Content

• Steps
• Part 1 of 3: Improving Communication Skills
• Part 2 of 3: Showing Love Through Action
• Part 3 of 3: Getting to Know Your Guy Best
• Tips

Relationships are mutual work, but improving your relationship doesn't have to amount to hard labor. Learn to understand each other better and adjust your behavior as a couple so that your romance turns into something more.

Steps

Part 1 of 3: Improving Communication Skills

1. 1 Don't take your boyfriend for granted. After a while, many people read to take their halves for granted. This is one of the tests for the strength of your relationship, with which, however, it is quite possible to cope.
   • Try to think about what you like about your boyfriend several times a week. Maybe it's his ability to pinpoint when you've had a tough day and calm you down by buying a pizza and playing a good movie. Or how great he plays volleyball. Whatever it is, try to think about these points periodically. You can also sometimes tell your boyfriend why he charmed you so much.
   • Just don’t overdo it and don’t get bored with it. Keeping a close eye on everything he does to see if he “really” loves you will only create a tense situation. If he says that he loves you, and his actions generally confirm the words (do not forget that everyone can make mistakes), then you can take his word for it.
2. 2 Learn to listen actively. People tend to "switch off" quite easily during conversations, especially if they are not particularly interested or are distracted by something else. This happens to everyone. Learn to catch the moment of shifting attention and remain an “active listener”. Your boyfriend will feel appreciated, and you will be able to notice things that you did not notice before.
   • Reframe and re-ask what you heard. This will save yourself a lot of frustration, especially if it was an emotional conversation. Instead of judging on your own about the correctness of what you heard, reformulate what you heard and ask again: "So, if I understood correctly, you just said ____, right?" Then give the guy time to clarify if you hear something wrong.
   • Encourage further storytelling. This will show that you are listening carefully. Ask small questions like, "So what happened next?" - or: "What did you do then?" You can also just nod back and say, "Uh-huh," "Really?" - or: "Wow."
   • Summarize what you heard. After hearing a lot of new information, try to summarize the main threads of the conversation. This will show that you were listening carefully and also allow the guy to explain anything you might have misinterpreted. "Are you worried about a tough day at work tomorrow, so I'd better pick you up tonight and then go shopping?"
   • Such methods are effective not only for lovers! They will help you connect with anyone.
3. 3 Ask questions. Do not limit yourself to everyday questions like: "What did you do today?" - or: "What would you like for dinner?" Probing, important questions can positively influence your communication. They encourage people to share their thoughts and feelings. Research shows that asking serious questions brings people closer and strengthens feelings.
   • For example, if a guy talks about learning problems, ask the following: "What do you think, what if you try ____?"
4. 4 Don't blame. Questions and a statement with an emphasis on "you" and "why" often lead to problems. This sounds like an accusation, so the interlocutor may close in himself or try to defend himself.
   • For example, you don't need to ask questions like, "Why do you keep forgetting to pick me up after class?" Questions like this sound like an accusation or show that the person is angry.
   • Try to shift the focus to yourself. Questions can be asked to help explain the situation. For example: “I am offended that you could not pick me up, because we agreed.Did something happen that you can't do? " It doesn't sound so accusatory (unless, of course, overuse sarcasm!), But it still allows you to express feelings, and the guy understands your displeasure.
5. 5 Avoid moralizing. Leave them to the professionals in the pulpit. I always want to give advice to others, especially close people. But you only need to advise when asked to do so. Otherwise, it will look like patronage, preaching, or distrust of a person's independent decisions.
   • Sometimes when a person asks for advice, they really want to be listened to and sympathetic to. In this case, ask your boyfriend this question: "Do you just need to speak out or do you want to hear what I think about it?"
   • Avoid the word "should". Nobody likes lectures like, "You should do this," or, "You should." It may seem to the person that you are putting on airs or taking him for an idiot. Instead, you can say, "What if ___?" - or: "Maybe you should try ___?"
6. 6 Resist the urge to be right. It's really hard. We all want to show our case at least sometimes. But in most cases, there is no unequivocal right or wrong. You shouldn't take the conversation as a war.
   • This does not mean that you need to forget about your thoughts and emotions. Not necessary. They won't go anywhere. Just don't forget that your boyfriend too has a right to his thoughts and emotions. There is no "right" or "wrong" in feelings. They are outside of these categories. You only control your reaction to these feelings.
   • For example, imagine a situation where your boyfriend comes in and claims that you recently embarrassed him in front of friends. It may seem to you that everything was completely different, but try to understand his feelings: "I'm sorry that this happened." Then you can explain your behavior: “I didn't think that everything would turn out like this. Next time I will behave differently. "
   • If you immediately go on the defensive, then your interlocutor will not hear what you are trying to say. But if you first acknowledge his feelings, and then try to explain himself, then almost certainly you will understand each other and can easily settle the situation.
   • If you do not insist that you are right, this does not mean that you always give up. Be sure to say what you think is extremely important. Just remember to listen to the opposite opinion. Compromise will always be the best solution for both of you.
7. 7 Talk about things that bother you. Not sharing personal, including embarrassing thoughts, needs, or feelings that you have, can negatively impact your relationship. Studies have shown that if people don't express their feelings and needs openly, then they feel less emotionally secure and less happy. Research also shows that couples who are unable to communicate openly and directly have less confidence in their relationships.
   • Try not to shy away from your needs or your boyfriend's needs by mistaking them for "stupid" or "immature." Evasion destroys trust. You both need to feel like you can share absolutely everything with your soul mate.
   • Don't try to hide your feelings in an attempt to "be strong." Suppressing or hiding feelings can lead to feelings of resentment and undermine your relationship.
   • When a guy shares his thoughts and feelings, show your interest and emphasize the importance of his words by saying, “I’m very glad you shared with me,” or, “I see it scares you that ___”. These open and supportive comments help build trust between you.
   SPECIALIST'S ADVICE

   

   Jessica Engle, MFT, MA

   
   
   Relationship Coach Jessica Ingle is a relationship coach and psychotherapist based in the San Francisco Bay Area. She founded Bay Area Dating Coach in 2009 after completing her Master's degree in Counseling Psychology. She is a licensed family and marriage psychotherapist and registered play therapist with over 10 years of experience.

   Jessica Engle, MFT, MA
   Relationship coach

   Jessica Engle, Relationship & Dating Specialist, advises: “Talk openly about how you feel and what you need, and then come to an agreement on how you will show gratitude to each other. You both should be satisfied with the agreement, so that you follow it. "

8. 8 Restrain passive-aggressive behavior. Passive-aggressive behavior is opposed to clear and open communication, it can ruin a relationship in an instant. It is fueled by anger or pain. You may be tempted to "punish" a guy if he upset or hurt you, but it's much better (and more effective) to just talk about it. It's easy to be passive aggressive, so watch out for the following:
   • Forgetfulness to do something. One of the manifestations of passive-aggressive behavior is the ability to "forget" to do what we do not want. You can “forget” to buy tickets for a movie you don’t want to watch, and a guy can “forget” about your relationship anniversary if you upset him. This behavior hurts both.
   • Saying is not what you mean. Sarcasm is a quick way to offend a person. Sometimes people use passive-aggressive language to indirectly communicate their grievances. For example, if your boyfriend forgot about his Friday night date and bought football tickets instead, the passive-aggressive reaction might be, “No, why would I be upset? I love it when you forget about what is important to me. Be sure to go to this match. " Instead of honestly and directly expressing your grievance, such a wording provokes the interlocutor into defensiveness and confusion (besides, not everyone recognizes sarcasm).
   • Silent boycott. If you are upset or offended, then you may start to ignore or pretend not to hear the guy. This behavior is destructive because it stubs out attempts to establish a conversation and discourages any desire to solve the problem. If you need time to cool down (which is perfectly normal and natural), then speak directly about it: “I am too upset to discuss this right now. I'd better calm down and talk later. "
9. 9 Watch your body language. A significant part of our communication is non-verbal communication, that is, body and gesture language - our actions during a conversation. Watch your body. It can "talk" about things that you did not mean at all.
   • Don't cross your arms, relax them. With your arms folded across your chest, you sort of lock in and take a defensive position.
   • Maintain eye contact. Lack of eye contact may indicate a lack of interest in the conversation. Maintain eye contact at least 50% of the time you speak and 70% of the time you listen.
   • Don't point your finger. This can look like an accusation and embarrassment. Try to gesture with open palms.
   • Your body should be facing the interlocutor. When a person turns away or turns to the side, thereby he openly shows disinterest and even disrespect.

Part 2 of 3: Showing Love Through Action

1. 1 Remember - no technique. We live in a world of fast and affordable communication, but, ironically, these same technologies can distance people from each other. Buried in computers or telephones, people communicate live less and less. Set aside time for just the two of you: no phones, computers, or video games.
   • People pick up the phone without even realizing it. If you have a similar problem, then during those moments for two, keep your phone as far away as possible.
   • If you live separately, then in addition to messages, speak by phone or Skype. In conversation, non-verbal aspects such as intonation, gestures and facial expressions are very important. This cannot be conveyed by text. Try to have a live or voice conversation for at least a few minutes a day. This will bring you closer together.
2. 2 Change your daily routine. Remember how at the very beginning of the relationship, each meeting was something new? Were you so happy about these moments that you could hardly wait for the meeting to come? If your relationship turns into a routine, then try changing your daily routine and spending more time together not on a schedule, but rather non-trivial.
   • Try new things. Try it together, whether it's a new restaurant or a hobby, as long as you share a common experience. It will also expand your range of common themes and fun memories.
   • Change your routine. For example, if you enjoy watching movies in the evenings, you can try to add some variety. Perhaps there are cinemas in the city that show your favorite movie on a big screen. In summer, you can go to the open-air cinemas. Turn on your imagination. Try making a movie-themed dinner (Goodfellas and spaghetti, how about that?).
3. 3 Look for common interests. It doesn't have to be something monumental. Even doing your homework together can help you bond.
4. 4 Your boyfriend should have time for himself. In relationships, it is best when people still have individual interests, and they can spend time alone with themselves or with their friends. Both of you can use the activity you prefer to do one at a time. It is sometimes good for everyone to be alone for a while.
   • This will show that you trust him. If you show a guy that he has earned your trust, then he will treat him very carefully. If you do not trust him and are afraid to leave him alone even for a minute, then in the future he may betray your trust, because you constantly did not trust him.
   • No matter how much you love each other, no one is able to satisfy all the needs of another one hundred percent. Spending time with your friends and having your own interests will help you both remain happy, healthy, and versatile individuals. Also, the time spent together will be appreciated even more.
5. 5 Choose gifts carefully and arrange meetings. If your boyfriend loves gifts or surprises, choosing something very personal will show you how well you know him and follow what is interesting and important to him. When choosing, be guided by what your boyfriend would like to do or get.
   • Does your boyfriend like sports? Is he crazy about the adrenaline rush? Buy tickets for a soccer or basketball game and go to it together. Go with him to the amusement park and try to ride as many attractions as possible.
   • Perhaps your boyfriend is a hopeless romantic? An extremely sensual person? Buy him a collection of poems by Joseph Brodsky or Sergei Yesenin and write something pleasant on the cover, for example: "From the bottom of your heart, because with every line in these verses it fills with love for you."
   • Does your boyfriend enjoy spending time in nature? You can go camping with him and sleep in a sleeping bag. Also, don't forget about zoos and other activities.
6. 6 Put a love note in his shirt pocket or lunch box. If your boyfriend likes cute confessions, then write a short note. It can be literal, humorous, or even a little silly, but he will definitely appreciate your attention.
   • Build on your boyfriend's personality. If he's not a big fan of sentimentality, then write a fun, playful note. If he likes sincerity and sensuality, then write how dear he is to you.
   • People quickly get used to everything good. This is called hedonic adaptation. There is no need to write such notes every day so that they do not lose their significance. It’s not difficult to overdo it with a good one.
7. 7 Show your love. External displays of affection are very important if your boyfriend values ​​physical touch as the language of love. Don't embarrass him, but remember to show that you think he is great.
   • Keep track of your boyfriend's preferences.Maybe he likes it when you gently nibble on his ear, or maybe it annoys him. Find out his preferences to demonstrate your love and affection in healthy ways.
   • Dressing up in sexy clothes for your boyfriend can add a little spice to your relationship. Find out about his secret fantasies and try to surprise him periodically. Then he will gladly surprise you in return.
   • Remember that sex is far from the only way to show your feelings and affection. Hold each other's hands, hug, kiss and hug each other. Expression of feelings should also be varied.
   • Do not be offended if your boyfriend is not ready for outward manifestations of his feelings as much as you are. All people are different.
8. 8 Spend time with him periodically. You will definitely have your own personal interests and close friends, but sometimes spending time with mutual friends will only strengthen your relationship.
   • A typical problem at the beginning of a relationship is that a girl begins to spend more time with her boyfriend and less time with her friends. In this case, you shouldn't be surprised if your friends think that you no longer need them. Introduce your boyfriend to your friends and try to spend time together. Also, don't forget to spend time with his friends.
9. 9 Make an appointment and go to a cozy place to relax and talk. You can have dinner in a relaxed atmosphere and show your boyfriend how important he is to you. Let him share his views and feelings. Listen carefully, but keep the conversation going. You can clarify some points, if there is such a need.
   • Plan dates so that he likes them. Think about activities where you will be around: kayaking, hiking or going to the zoo, commuting by train or bus to a nearby town.
10. 10 Get lost together for a day. Take a day off. Do something extremely unexpected, such as try recording a song together. Enjoy complete freedom. Even if it's just one day, live that day with your loved one.
    • The adventures experienced together will forever remain in your memory as pleasant memories. Studies have shown that the memory of having a pleasant time together strengthens the bond between people.

Part 3 of 3: Getting to Know Your Guy Best

1. 1 Learn how you both express and receive love. Psychologist Gary Chapman argues that people have "love languages" that they use to express their feelings and interpret the manifestations of the feelings of others. If you know each other's love languages, you will be able to express your feelings in a way that is most pleasing to your soul mate. If you and your boyfriend have different love languages, and you do not know about it, then you can have a lot of misunderstandings.
   • Chapman identifies five love languages: words of encouragement, help, gifts, time, and touch.
     • "Words of encouragement" are compliments, encouragements, or interest in you.
     • "Help" is a desire to do household chores or other responsibilities that your spouse doesn't particularly like.
     • “Gifts” are gifts or visual expressions of feelings, such as flowers.
     • “Time” is time with your partner when nothing distracts you or hinders you.
     • "Touching" is any form of physical affection, including hugging, kissing, or having sex.
   • The main thing is that you know which languages ​​are closer to whom. So, if your boyfriend prefers “touch” to “gifts,” then you already know how you can best express your feelings. Likewise, if your boyfriend knows that “gifts” are closest to you, then to express his feelings, he will not emphasize that he is the one who constantly takes out the trash out of the two of you.
   • Also, don't forget about these languages ​​so that you can always pick up on your partner's hidden signals.
2. 2 Find a balance between intimacy, commitment, and passion. These three components make up Robert Sternberg's theory of love. Although psychologists disagree on this point, in general, romantic love is the excitement that an individual experiences when close to and affection for a particular person. Lust or lust is a sex drive that can, but not always, be limited to one person. In relationships, lust is often a motivating feeling: when you meet someone who turns you on, you strive to get them. It takes time for love to arise and develop.
   • During a relationship, both of these feelings experience ups and downs. At the very beginning of a relationship (this stage is often called a "honeymoon"), passion often reaches its peak: both want constant intimacy and partners simply cannot get enough of each other. It's great, but it's just as natural that this phase gradually fades away over the time spent together and deeper acquaintance.
   • When the initial outburst of passion subsides, you may realize that you have idealized your boyfriend too much, as the chemistry in your brain has made you a little insane. When this pillar begins to collapse, you suddenly notice things that annoy you: for example, he may floss in front of you, or otherwise pick vegetables at the store. This is fine. Right now "love" is entering the scene. Love gives you the patience to ignore these little things, because you really fell in love.
   • This does not mean at all that after a couple of months of a relationship, passion should evaporate. Now you can better examine your habits and preferences. Talk to each other about your sexual needs. Add variety to your everyday life and have fun together!
3. 3 It should be understood that people have different communication styles. According to a common truism, "men are from Mars and women are from Venus," but life is even more difficult. Even people of the same sex can have different communication styles. Whether you are cheerful or outspoken, if you sometimes feel like you speak different languages, it’s all about different communication styles. They are not divided into "good" and "bad", but you need to learn to understand each other better.
   • Some people choose to be part of the whole... They like to ask for the opinions of others, try to cooperate, but may perceive challenges and disagreements as signs of aggression or hostility. If you prefer to listen to all parties, avoid conflicts, solve problems together and speak out as it is, then you are one of those people.
   • Other people love competition... They try to be direct, assertive and take on challenges. Such people gather information and make their own decisions. They often like to take responsibility and command. If you are willing to express your opinion, have a normal attitude to conflicts and like to make decisions on your own, then this paragraph is about you.
   • People also differ in terms of directness. Some people find it more convenient to say everything directly: "I want us to spend more time together." Others prefer more subtle hints: “It's so wonderful when we are together. It is a pity that we do not always succeed. " Both options may be appropriate, as it all depends on the situation. The most important thing is to listen carefully and clarify what you do not understand.
   • If you have different communication styles, then this is not at all a sentence to your relationship. You just need to be aware of the differences that can cause misunderstandings, and both must be flexible and willing to compromise.

Tips

• Say what you think and think what you say. No one can read minds
• Resolve all disputes as soon as possible so as not to build up feelings of resentment. You never need to inflate an elephant out of a fly.
• Always be yourself.
• Remember to tell your boyfriend that you love him.
• He must know that you will always come to the rescue.
• Don't go after him, even if he makes friends with people you don't like.
• Watch yourself and your actions. We can change ourselves, but not others.
• Work on your self-esteem and self-confidence. We can only give joy to others when we are completely satisfied with ourselves.
• Show love and trust in your actions. Words should not be at odds with deeds.
• Don't be intrusive. Give your partner space whenever they need it.