Content

• Steps
• Part 1 of 3: Determine How Much Space You Need
• Part 2 of 3: Create Distance
• Part 3 of 3: Move on
• Tips

It is already frustrating enough to endure bad attitudes from anyone, but it’s even harder to deal with the pain of a family member. It doesn't matter if the person has done a truly unforgivable act, or if you simply no longer intend to tolerate repetitive abusive behavior, sometimes breaking the bond with a family member is the best thing to do for your mental health. It can be difficult at times, but if you set clear boundaries and reach out to people who care about you for support, you can start moving on.

Steps

Part 1 of 3: Determine How Much Space You Need

1. 1 Analyze your relationship with this family member as a whole. Perhaps from time to time this person is kind to you, or maybe he even loves you sincerely. It can probably even be called good, if you do not take into account the unhealthy attitude towards you.
   • If you have negative feelings every time you think of this person, even though they usually treat you well, it may be because they hurt you so much that you find it difficult to move on. In this case, it is better to move away from him for a while in order to concentrate on yourself.
2. 2 Don't make excuses for his behavior. It doesn't matter why a person did this or whether he regrets it. When it comes to long-term unhealthy relationships, and you feel that you would be better off without his presence in your life, make the right choice.
   • For example, if someone constantly dislikes you, don't justify their behavior by saying, "He must have had a bad day," or, "She's been under a lot of stress lately."
   • Likewise, don't blame yourself for the abuse by saying something like, "If I hadn't accused him of lying, he wouldn't have hit me."
   • On the other hand, if a person who usually treats you very well snaps or behaves hot-tempered from time to time, it is quite possible to enter his position and take into account his life circumstances.
3. 3 Think about other family members who might be harmed. Part of the reason for the complexity of family relationships is that a large number of people are involved. When deciding whether to delete a relative from your life, you must take into account the rest of the family, as this can also affect your relationship with them. However, sometimes this is inevitable.
   • If you break the bond with one parent, it could affect your relationship with the other parent. If you have problems with your brother or sister, you may lose contact with your niece or nephew. In addition, you can become an uninvited guest at family gatherings or other events where the person may be present.
   • However, there are likely to be family members who are willing to support you, so don't see this as your only deterrent.
   • Never demand or expect other family members to end their relationship with this person just because you do.
4. 4 Take a step back in a one-sided relationship. If you notice that every time you talk to a relative, it is only about him, and the conversation does not flow in both directions, most likely this is a toxic relationship. This narcissistic behavior is unlikely to change, and you are probably better off maintaining contact with this person on a more superficial level.
   • You may even notice that the person uses you for emotional comfort when they have problems, but becomes dismissive of you when you start sharing your own experiences.
   • The same goes for people who only talk to you when they need something from you, like money or advice.
5. 5 Keep your distance from family members who feed on drama. If you have someone in your family who is always at the center of conflict or loves to reveal secrets to other people, it is likely that it is difficult to maintain a healthy relationship with him. It is not necessary to completely cut ties with the drama lover, but it is best to keep him at a distance.
   • A drama lover can often change his attitude towards you, either presenting you as his best friend, then pushing you away if you criticize or contradict him.
   • If someone in your family is spreading gossip about you, then you definitely need to stay away from such a relative.
   • The same goes for a person who is often dishonest.
6. 6 Avoid people who always make you tense or upset. Whether it's an aunt who always criticizes your weight, or a sister who always jokes about how much more successful you are, you have every right to avoid anyone who makes you unhappy. If you find yourself feeling stressed out just from the thought of being in the same room with this person, avoid potential encounters with them.
   • Sometimes a temporary breakup can help calm hurt feelings. However, if the person’s behavior doesn’t change, it’s probably best to break the bond with them forever, especially if you catch yourself thinking about their words even when they’re not around.
   • If the person denies that they said something hurtful, or tries to justify their behavior, then he is unlikely to change in the future, and you should stay away from him.
7. 7 Get out of the abusive relationship. Any relationship can become violent: with a parent, grandparent, brother or sister, or even a distant relative. In addition, violence can take many forms, ranging from constant humiliation or shouting to being hit, kicked or sexually assaulted. If you feel that you are being abused, you should get away from that person as quickly as possible.
   • Other signs of violence include boycotting, controlling behavior, or being constantly accused of things you didn't do.
   • If you are a child who is the victim of parental abuse, find a reliable adult you can trust. This could be another family member, teacher, or school counselor. You can also call the Children's Helpline at 8-800-2000-122.
   • If you are a parent, you may also decide to end the relationship with the person who you think has abused your child.

Part 2 of 3: Create Distance

1. 1 Take a break if you don't want to end the relationship entirely. Sometimes you just need to stay a little away from a person in order to forgive his offensive act. This is especially true if you are usually very close to the person and they did something rash. You may even be able to cope with your feelings without directly challenging him to have a frank conversation.
   • If you need a little space, try telling this relative that you are busy right now but will catch up soon.
   • As soon as you cool down a little, let him know how much he offended you so that he can make amends and not repeat these mistakes in the future.
2. 2 Meet in neutral territory if you cannot avoid the person completely. If, for any reason, it is impractical to completely break off relations with a family member, try to meet with him in a public place when the need to talk arises. Invite him to join you in a cafe, park or restaurant, where each of you can leave at any time.
   • Talking to your grandmother in the house where she lived for 35 years will give her a sense of superiority and will be less likely to get your point across.
   • On the other hand, if you have a frank conversation in your home, you may feel that the person is violating your safe space, especially if he does not leave when you ask him to.
3. 3 Remain calm if you decide to speak with this person in person. Once you have made the decision to cut ties with the relative who hurt you, you may want to talk to them first to let them know. Let him know that you are not going to visit him again, and you will not answer his phone calls or other attempts to contact you. Conversations like these can cause strong emotions and a storm of feelings, but try to remain calm and remember that this drama will soon be a thing of the past. You may find it easier to control yourself if you plan your speech ahead of time, so take this opportunity if you have one.
   • If you are already having thoughts that you no longer want to be involved in toxic relationships, and a family member suddenly does something to provoke you, you may not have time to think through your words. Go ahead and tell him that you need some space.
   • Start the conversation something like this: "I decided it would be better for my mental health if I no longer spend time with you."
   • If the person gets very upset, you can say, “I don't want to argue. I just need a little space now, because this relationship no longer seems healthy to me. " After that, leave as quickly as possible.
4. 4 Send an email or letter if you want to plan your speech. If you want to communicate your feelings to the person, but are afraid that you will not be able to express them in person, try to convey it in writing. Let him know that you are planning to retire for a while. You can make a copy of the letter to reference it if the person attributes to you something that you did not say.
   • Writing a letter or email is especially good if the family member has a habit of distorting your words, interrupting you when you speak, or being physically aggressive when upset.
   • Whether it is necessary to specifically indicate what he did wrong, or to get off with a general phrase - you decide. For example, you might say, "I'm tired of your hurtful words that you don't apologize for."
5. 5 State your desire to keep your distance clearly and directly. Whether you are speaking in person or writing a letter, do not leave the door to communication open. Even if in the future you decide that you can forgive your relative, your words should not seem like simple complaints to the person, otherwise he will not take you seriously.
   • Say something like, "I don't want to see you or hear about you." If you have children, also set clear boundaries about whether a family member can get in touch with them.
6. 6 Be aware that he may try to manipulate you or other people. Perhaps this person will lose his temper after such a conversation. He may start spreading rumors about you, trying to get other family members not to talk to you, or manipulating you to rebuild a relationship. If you prepare for this in advance, you are more likely to remain unshakable.
   • The person may even be genuinely saddened by your decision to end the relationship. The main thing to remember: never stay with the person who makes you unhappy, just out of guilt.
   SPECIALIST'S ADVICE

   

   Adam Dorsay, PsyD

   
   
   Licensed Psychologist and TEDx Speaker Dr. Adam Dorsey is a licensed psychologist based in the San Francisco Bay Area. He is one of the founders of Project Reciprocity, an international program at Facebook, and a consultant to the Digital Ocean security team. He specializes in working with successful adult clients, helping them solve relationship problems, cope with stress and anxiety and make their lives happier. In 2016, he gave a TEDx talk about men and emotions that became very popular. Received an MSc in Counseling Psychology from Santa Clara University and a Degree in Clinical Psychology in 2008.

   Adam Dorsay, PsyD
   Licensed Psychologist and TEDx Speaker

   Define your boundaries before speaking. Adam Dorsey, a licensed psychologist, says: “If you have a toxic relative, know what your boundaries are. What do you say Yes and what is definite no? Every time you say yes to something that is an absolute no, a part of your consciousness begins to reproach yourself... This leads to internal and external the cycle of agreement and resentment ”.

   
   

Part 3 of 3: Move on

1. 1 Discuss the incident with someone you trust. Finding someone you can trust is very important when breaking up a relationship. You may find it difficult to reach out to other family members, as they may feel torn between two fires, so try talking to a close friend.
   • It's also a good idea to make an appointment with a counselor, as toxic family relationships can have a lasting impact on self-esteem.
2. 2 Practice regular personal care. Once you've removed the toxic person from your life, fill that space with positive, enjoyable activities. Taking care of yourself looks different from person to person, but it's important to do things that make you feel happy and confident. For example, you can soak in a hot tub, pursue a new hobby, or recuperate at university.
   • Recognize your strengths, especially if your family member regularly humiliates you. If necessary, write a list of your best qualities and post it in a prominent place.
3. 3 Don't get hung up on what you would like to have. It can be difficult to look at other happy families or remember what your family looked like before negativity appeared. Just keep in mind that even a family that looks perfect from the outside can have their own problems, so focus on the good things in your life.
   • For example, even if you have a bad relationship with your children, you may have a great support system at the church you attend.
4. 4 Set healthy boundaries in future relationships. Yes, relatives are not chosen, but you can choose with whom to spend time, and you do not have to put up with the behavior that offends you. Use this experience to understand what you will and will not accept from people in your life, and stand firmly on those boundaries in the future.
   • For example, if you decide that you are tired of putting up with the fact that your brother calls you names all his life, then you certainly should not date someone who will do the same!
   • Practice if-then statements in case you find yourself in a similar situation in the future. For example, you might say to yourself, "If someone tells a lie about me, then I will immediately speak up in my defense, because this is unacceptable."
5. 5 Allow the person to gradually return to your life if you want to. Whether to improve relations with this person or not is up to you. If you eventually decide to let the relative back into your life, take your time. Let him prove to you that he can build a new, healthy relationship with you.
   • Once you have re-established contact, conduct a conversation to clearly define your boundaries. Say something like, “I will not tolerate disrespectful comments about my weight. If you do it again, I will leave and never come back. "
   • If you notice that the person is returning to old habits, step back again.
   • If the person has been violent towards you in any form, probably keep them out of your life.

Tips

• You may occasionally meet this relative at holiday events or family reunions. If he tries to speak to you, just walk away. If you cannot remain silent, say: "Now is not the time or place for this conversation."