Author:
Randy Alexander
Date Of Creation:
27 April 2021
Update Date:
1 July 2024
Content
Children often feel that they are "held by their parents" and are not free to live up to their will. The reason is sometimes because a child just wants to push the boundaries and mature faster than their parents realize, sometimes because the parents are trying to control the child's life. There are many reasons parents want to control their children, from perfectionism to worrying about their kids making mistakes, and often parents don't realize they are harming their children instead of protecting them.
Steps
Method 1 of 4: Harder
Recognize control behaviors. Many parents are demanding of their children, but this is not necessarily a control preference. Controlling people often use several tactics to manipulate others. It may be obvious actions or subtle tricks. Behaviors can range from blunt criticism to hidden threats. Some signs that indicate that your parent has a controlling interest are:
- Separate you from other family members and / or friends, such as never allowing you to meet friends or other family members.
- Always blaming you for trivial things like your appearance, manners or choices.
- Threats of harming you or harming themselves, such as "If you don't come home right now, I'll die for you!"
- Show love or conditional approval, such as "I only love you if you keep the room clean."
- “Record” your mistakes, such as making a list of mistakes you made in the past so that you feel guilty or let you go wrong.
- Take advantage of guilt to get you to do something, such as "You struggled 18 hours to give birth and now you can't spend a few hours with me?"
- Stalking you silently or disrespecting your privacy, such as ransacking the room or reading messages on your phone when you leave the room.
Take responsibility for your actions. Even if your parent is a controlling parent, you are still responsible for your behavior toward them. You allow your parents to decide for you or to challenge. You can also be confident about treating your parents with respect or letting your anger flare up and escalating the stress.- You can think about your actions by looking in the mirror and talking yourself. Create different possible scenarios and practice reacting to your parents in any way you choose. This will make it easier for you to be more in control when the real situation unfolds.
Don't be obsessed with the thought of making your parents happy. It is your parent's responsibility to help you grow up and become a happy, healthy, and kind person. If there is something that brings you happiness that is not what your parents intended, you must do what you want instead of please. Your life is up to you.
Make a goal action plan. Getting out of a situation quickly was almost impossible. You need a wise and realistic plan of action to start making your own decisions. Start with something simple, like telling yourself every day that you can build your confidence. It's best to take one step at a time and make more decisions yourself.
Accept that you cannot make your parents change. Just as your parents cannot control your thoughts and feelings, you cannot change their thoughts or feelings. You can only adjust the way you react, and sometimes this will help your parents change how you treat you. Whether your parents change their personalities and when is up to them.
- Forcing your parents to change is just like your parents trying to control you. If you understand this well, you will accept that your parents can make their own decisions about this.
Method 2 of 4: Improve the situation
Separate from parents. People often use emotions to manipulate others. This can take the form of anger, rebuttal or making the other person feel guilty. If you want to get out of the grip of the controlling person (parent or someone else), you may have to distance yourself from them, such as less meeting or calling them.
- If you are still living at home (especially when you are young) it will not be easy to distance yourself from your parents. However, you can still set boundaries between you and your parents. Seek the advice of the school counselor or teacher.
Try not to be hostile. Your avoidance of your parents can make them upset and angry. When your parents complain that you aren't spending time with them or accuse you of not taking them seriously, don't act stubborn.
- Try saying something like, “I'm sorry for making you parents angry. I understand how frustrating this is. ”
- Remember that things may get worse before the situation improves. However, it is important that you maintain your distance and avoid getting caught up in threats. For example, if your mother threatens to commit suicide if you don't go to her house, say you're going to call the police, then hang up and do exactly that. Don't rush to your mother's house or give in to her demands.
Cut off financial ties with parents. Money is another tool that parents often use to control their children. If you can make money on your own, stop receiving sponsorship from your parents. This can be tricky, but you need to pay bills yourself, pay for purchases and do financial calculations. This not only makes you more responsible, but also helps loosen your parents' "grip".
- This can be difficult for young people, but if you take the small steps, it is not necessarily impossible. Even if you can't pay rent and amenities, try to make money for your hobbies. Not sure your parents will agree, but if you go to the movies with your own money, this also eliminates a tool that controlling parents can use.
Try not to beg your parents. When you beg your parents, it also means you put your parents in a position to bargain. If you want your parents to respond to your request, then you have to do something in response. This is not inherently bad, but it can cause you to quickly give up your agency and empower your parents. Ask a friend or other family member if you need help.
Identify violent behavior. If you are a child and are being abused, call the child protection agency or talk to the responsible person at school like a teacher or counselor. Violence can take many forms, so if you are unsure whether you have been abused, talk to a school counselor. Some forms of violence include:
- Physical violence, which includes slapping, punching, detaining you, burns or injures you in a variety of ways.
- Emotional abuse includes behaviors such as cursing, insults, blaming, and unreasonable demands.
- Sexual violence, including behaviors such as improper cuddling or touching, sexual intercourse, and other sexual acts.
Method 3 of 4: Merging the relationship
Closing the past. You won't be able to heal a relationship if you keep your anger in your heart. Therefore, it is helpful to forgive parents for the mistakes they've caused. Maybe you should also forgive yourself for the way you responded to your parents' mistakes.
- Don't forget that you forgive not just for the other person, but for your own relief. Forgiving your parents also means that you are choosing to let go of your resentment but not saying that what they said or did to you is right.
- To forgive someone, you will have to take the initiative to let go of any anger. One way to do this is to write a letter to your parents that you will not send. In the letter, honestly describe how you feel about what happened, why you were angry, and why you think your parents did the same. At the end, end the letter with something like, “I'm not happy about what happened, but I'll let go of the anger inside. I forgive my parents ”. You can also say this out loud to yourself.
Make it clear to your parents with respect. Talk to your parents about how you are feeling and why you keep your distance from them. How can your parents solve it if they don't know that a problem exists? Do not blame or act impolite. Talk to your parents about how you feel instead of complaining about what they did.
- Instead of saying, "Mom (mom) deprives me of my human rights," you could say a more constructive sentence like, "I feel like I can't make a decision."
Set clear boundaries for you and your parents. When you begin to improve your relationship, it is important to avoid falling into the old path. Determine in advance what decisions your parents can and cannot interfere. Likewise, the boundaries also include what decisions you can make or what you can ask your parents.
- For example, do you consult with your parents about important career decisions, such as which university to go to, or whether or not to accept offers for a job. On the other hand, you may not allow your parents to interfere in your personal decisions, such as who you date, marry or not marry.
- You can also refuse to participate in issues raised by your parents, such as romantic problems.However, you will probably decide to stay by your side to help when your parents have serious health problems, like cancer or heart disease.
Method 4 of 4: Maintain boundaries
Respect the boundaries in your relationship with your parents. Once boundaries are set, you must respect them. You cannot expect a parent to respect your space if you do not behave the same towards your parents. If you find it difficult to stick to the boundaries set out, talk openly to find a solution.
- When a problem arises in the relationship between you and your parent, constructive speech can be helpful. Try saying, “I respect my boundaries, but I feel like you don't always respect mine. So can our mother and daughter find a way to keep the whole couple of sugar safe? "
Deal with when a parent interferes with your own choices. If your parents are over the line, you have to let them know. But this doesn't mean you allow yourself to get angry or upset. Calmly and politely tell your parents that they've crossed the line and should stop. If you truly respect you, your parents will give you space back.
- Humor can also be an effective way of dealing with controlling parents. For example, if your parents are nagging all the time because of your decision to choose a career, try joking, “Attention, note: I'm not satisfied with my career. Understood. Anything else?"
Pause if the problem persists. If things start to get back “the way they were,” you may need to spend less time with your parents again. However, you don't have to cut all ties with your parents. Often parents and children too close together can inadvertently exceed the boundaries set by the two sides. Reduce the amount of time you spend with your parents and try again later.
Consider seeing a therapist if your situation does not work. In some cases, the problem can be so severe that you and your parents need to see a counselor to see if the problem improves. If both sides have tried to keep the boundaries and still have not worked, talk to your parents about seeing a therapist.
- You could try saying, “Parents are very important to their children, but I think I need help making my parent-child relationship better. Do you want to come with me to see a counselor? ”
Advice
- Talk to a close friend or family member about your troubles. Hope they can help you.
- Try talking to your parents before separating. The problem can be solved in a more pleasant way.
- Find a time when your parents are comfortable. Don't try to approach when your parents come home from work. Try saying, “Mom and dad, I know you work hard for me, and I'm grateful for them, but I want to make decisions on my own. I feel like I'm no different from a baby when my parents make all the decisions. Can parents let me make up my mind? ” Be prepared to say that one of the two people will disagree.
Warning
- If you have experienced violence and need urgent help, call your local child protection agency.
- Don't assume all parental advice is "in control." Often parents want what's best for their children, and they actually have more life experiences than you.
