Content

• To step
• Part 1 of 2: Practicing better communication
• Part 2 of 2: Building self-esteem
• Tips
• Warnings

Do you have problems with friends who are constantly walking all over you? Are your parents talking to you about heavy feelings of guilt? Are you constantly broke for lending all your money to others? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you may need help standing up for yourself. Being more assertive can be a tedious process, but in the long run, learning this skill will help you communicate more effectively.

To step

Part 1 of 2: Practicing better communication

1. Practice with "me" statements. "I" messages allow you to take responsibility for your own feelings and opinions while communicating, without attacking or offending others. These assertive statements are based on your own unique experience with a particular topic. They are not focused on the experience of the other. "I" messages convey the statement "This is the situation for me" to the listener. Examples of "I" statements include:
   • "I get scared and upset when there is yelling or cursing during an altercation" instead of "Yelling and swearing scares me. You have to stop."
   • "I fear that my skills will not work in my current position" as opposed to "You have all put me in a position that is not conducive to my growth."
2. Learn to say "no". Turning down projects or nights out with friends may not seem so friendly, but saying "no" every once in a while allows you to say "yes" to events and tasks that make you thrive. For the most part, you have the right to use your time as you see fit. Assertiveness means saying no to situations that are of no importance to you.
   • Saying "no" may seem difficult at first, but with a little practice you will see that using this right will help you move forward. Doing this will give you experience in setting boundaries for others and standing up for yourself, which are some of the most important skills for both personal and professional growth.
3. Judge as little as possible. Many people prefer not to be assertive in social situations, because they equate assertiveness with having an unshakable point of view. Assertiveness by definition involves standing up for yourself, but this is done by compromising, weighing up each other's needs, and being respectful. Positions are not fixed.
4. Keep your emotions in. Assertive people are considered experts in communication. It follows that these communicative masters cannot be guided by their emotions. They need to control their emotions, as not managing their own feelings effectively can have serious consequences.
   • For example, if someone says something that you disagree with, it is not helpful to lash out at them in anger. Such a reaction can damage the relationship because you speak from your emotions, not from an objective attitude.
   • The first step to controlling your feelings is to be aware of them. Start monitoring your feelings for several days. Pay attention to the moments and situations that evoke strong emotions in you. Find an emotion table and try to name what you feel.
   • Then you look for the stimulus behind these feelings. In other words, why have you responded this way? Then you decide whether that emotion is a clear example of how you want to behave and interact with people. If it isn't, then you will have to make the choice to change your perspective by addressing negative or useless thoughts.
5. Get rid of mitigating statements. In English, a qualifying statement is something that is added to an earlier statement to make it less valid. When writing an argument, it is good practice to leave room for uncertainty. Therefore, mitigating statements are helpful in this regard. In the context of assertiveness, it is better to give your opinion with the help of categorical statements, which statements are what you are 100% behind. Categorical statements leave no room for doubt, making them appear assertive.
   • A mitigating statement might sound like, "this is just my opinion but ..." or "feel free to ignore this ...".
   • A stronger, categorical, and assertive statement would sound like, "in my opinion ..." (with no added "but" or mitigating caveat) or "I think the best action is to ..."
6. Watch your body language. Nonverbal communication affects as much, if not more, than the words you use. Assertive communicators must be aware of their body language in order to appear non-threatening, indifferent, etc.
   • Assertive speakers respect the other person's personal space, and take up to a little more than a meter between both parties. They also maintain direct, non-invasive eye contact, while speaking with a balanced volume of voice (not too soft, not too loud) and a tone adapted to the situation and location.
   • It's okay to stand or sit with an upright but relaxed posture (open arms and your legs facing the speaker) and use gestures that aren't threatening to illustrate a point.
7. Choose your battleground with care. Being the lovable peacekeeper all the time can be detrimental to you at various times in your life. However, barking someone off at the slightest error of judgment probably won't get you many followers either. Being assertive means choosing a firm but flexible middle ground.
   • Choose your battles with care. Not every issue requires heavy debate or storming the barricades. Decide which points correspond to your values, and make sure to speak up especially at those times.

Part 2 of 2: Building self-esteem

1. Understand what you want. Assertiveness can help promote greater self-esteem, but you do need some self-esteem to stand up for yourself in social situations. Assertiveness and confidence are both rooted in knowing what you want. How do you want to be treated by others? How do you want to feel about yourself? What are you excited about? What kind of people do you want to be around you? What do you value in yourself and in others? All these questions can give you an idea of ​​what you want.
   • To start, grab a piece of paper and a list of values ​​you admire about yourself and others. You can think of characteristics such as ambition, forgiveness, compassion, honesty, goodness, etc. Arrange the values ​​in order of importance. The way you do this will guide you in answering many of the other questions.
2. Be clear about your expectations - to yourself and to others. Once you know what you want to get out of life, focus on making those things come true. Stop accepting the way you are treated by others if it doesn't match your standards. Give voice to your desires by standing up for yourself when those basic desires are not being met.
   • For example, if you have a partner who is lying to you, and this goes against your fundamental desire to have an open and honest relationship, then you will need to stand up for yourself (i.e. make your voice heard) to your partner and discuss these wishes . If the person doesn't respect your rights, you can consider whether you want to continue with the relationship.
   • Don't beat around the bush or expect others to be able to guess your needs. Make it known in a clear and healthy way what your needs and wishes are, making it clear to others that these important norms and values ​​are non-negotiable. "I expect to be able to trust my partner" or "I want you to always be honest with me."
3. Know what you have to offer. An important aspect of building self-esteem is being aware of your strengths. Make two lists: one for your achievements and one for all the things you admire about yourself. Enlist the help of a close friend or family member if you are having trouble pinpointing some of the traits that make you a great person.
4. Become a thought editor. Few people understand that one of the most powerful tools we have for directing our emotions and behavior is in our thoughts. What you say to yourself on a daily basis can determine whether you feel great or terrible about yourself. Learn to control your self-talk by paying close attention to any negative or annoying comments you make to yourself. Turn your negative thoughts into positive ones by looking for evidence - or lack thereof - to support or deny these troublesome thoughts.
   • Suppose you say to yourself, "I'll never get a raise. Nobody notices my performance." Can you really predict the future (like you will never get a raise)? How do you know that no one notices your achievements?
   • By asking questions you can prove that this thought is clearly not rational, because no one can predict the future. Awareness of negative thoughts can silence that inner critic who is undermining your self-esteem.
5. Respect other people. It is important to recognize that the word "assertive" has a completely different meaning from "aggressive". Aggressiveness is touted over and over in the corporate world as a positive trait. Aggressive marketing, aggressive sales - they may be great in many ways, but an aggressive communicator is offensive, belittles, disrespectful, and violates the rights of others.
   • Being assertive translates into respecting other people's opinions, time, and efforts. Stand up for yourself and at the same time treat everyone else in a positive way. When you respect others, you naturally become a more respectable person.

Tips

• Remember that assertiveness is a mix of variables and includes the way you speak, sit, and present yourself to others. You will need to practice and apply all of these variables to be an effective communicator.

Warnings

• All too often assertiveness is confused with aggressiveness. As indicated above, these two are very different manners. Assertiveness involves being honest and standing up for yourself in a way that is appropriate and not threatening to others.