Content

• To step
• Part 1 of 3: Identifying harmful people in your life
• Part 2 of 3: Talking to harmful people
• Part 3 of 3: Acting against harmful people
• Tips
• Warnings

Do you have a friend, family member, or love partner who is particularly difficult to get along with? Do you feel like you are being put down or manipulated by that person? If so, then you may have a harmful person in your life. Harmful people require special care in handling if you decide to proceed. There are techniques you can use to learn how to take care of yourself and interact with other people in a harmful relationship.

To step

Part 1 of 3: Identifying harmful people in your life

1. Find the basic characteristics of a harmful person. Harmful behavior can manifest in different ways. You may have a malicious friend and you may not even realize it. Here are some of the ways that harmful people can behave:
   • They create and are surrounded by interpersonal problems.
   • They try to manipulate and control you.
   • They are needy and constantly demand your attention.
   • They are extremely critical of themselves and other people.
   • They are unwilling to seek or change help.
2. Watch for people who are constantly angry. A strong form of harmfulness is constant anger. These people are irritable and get mad at you for the smallest things. You may feel like you have to be constantly on the lookout for something to keep them from jumping on top of something. Recognize the characteristics of an angry person so that you can learn to respond appropriately. Here are a few signs that you are dealing with an angry person:
   • Shout at people.
   • Threatening people.
   • Questioning people in a hostile tone.
   • Regular use of heavy, intense language.
3. Watch out for cynics bringing you down. Another form of harmful behavior is cynicism. Cynical people have a negative view of the world. This worldview infects everything in their lives and they find it difficult to be positive. They are difficult to be around because of the incessant dark cloud that hangs over their heads. Cynical people can:
   • Endlessly complaining about their lives.
   • Never be satisfied with how you interact with them.
   • Failure to contribute anything positive to the relationship.
4. Evaluate how you feel around certain people around you. A helpful way to tell if someone is harmful is to pay attention to how you feel around them. You can "tick off" certain points near them. Ask yourself the following questions:
   • Do I feel drained now? Does it seem like this person is draining my emotions?
   • Am I walking on tiptoe? Am I afraid to say the wrong thing because the other person may react negatively?
   • Am I ignoring my own voice? Does the other make it difficult for me to listen to myself and follow my own values?
5. Ask for a second opinion. You may be too intimate with the harmful person to know whether or not they are harmful. It may just be that the other person is going through a difficult time. Ask another friend or someone with good judgment or who thinks the other person is harmful. This helps you determine the harmful people in your environment.
   • Your own judgment is a good source of information, but it can sometimes be difficult to have an unbiased opinion when we are too intertwined with a situation.

Part 2 of 3: Talking to harmful people

1. Express yourself effectively. Because it is common to have tensions within friendships and relationships, it is therefore essential that you can express your feelings clearly. When you acknowledge and explore your feelings, you have the opportunity to deal with these tensions in a smooth way. And by speaking in an expressive way, you free up space for other people to share what they are feeling, and you can work through these different feelings together.
   • Start listening. Make sure you understand what the other person is saying before arguing with your own vision.
   • Use "I" statements. An easy way to avoid being too confrontational is to tell people what you are experiencing, rather than what they are doing wrong. For example, you could say something like, "When you're late for our coffee dates, I feel like you don't value my time," instead of, "You're always late and it's not that polite."
2. Tell the other person how you expect to be treated. Strange as it may sound, sometimes people don't know what is acceptable behavior. Acceptable behavior for one person may be unacceptable to another. In order to let people know what your limits are, you have to be honest and make them clear.
   • If being late for coffee appointments annoys you, let the other person know. They may have no idea how their behavior affects you.
   • If the person is really harmful then this strategy will not work, but no matter what, it is advisable to set boundaries.
3. Speak with determination and assertion. This is part of effective argument, but speaking assertively is something you can do all the time, whether you have a disagreement or not. Becoming an assertive speaker will improve your communication and relationships.
   • Try to figure out where you can use some improvement. You may be easily intimidated and people tend to walk all over you, especially if they have a toxic personality. The first step is to identify the problem area.
   • Think about tactics for specific situations. Maybe your malicious friend is asking for money and having a hard time saying no. What can you do in these situations? Can you rehearse a simple script for the next time he asks? For example, you could say something like, "I care about you, but I can't give you any more money."
   • Learn to respond assertively in your life. You can use techniques like the "skip record," where you just keep repeating yourself if what you said is disputed. Start small if this is difficult for you, such as saying no (if appropriate) to family members or friends who are not harmful to you.
4. Protect yourself from harm. Be aware of what is going on in your relationships with harmful people. For example, try not to take everything they say to you just like that, if you notice that they tend to be rude and critical of you. Protect yourself in these relationships, if you wish to continue them, by becoming aware of what they say to you, how they behave towards you, and how they make you feel.
   • For example, if they make a claim about you like, "You are never there for me," analyze this claim. Is it true? Can you think of any examples to show that they are wrong? Toxic people often exaggerate and make all-or-nothing claims. Think critically about what they say about you.
5. Apologize if appropriate. Just because someone is harmful does not mean that you are always right and they are always wrong. Admit mistakes you make and apologize when you think it is appropriate. Even if they don't accept your apologies or even rarely apologize, at least you know you've done your best to be a good friend or partner.
   • You may even make a positive impression on them. This is called modeling, or showing people healthier ways to behave than what they are used to.

Part 3 of 3: Acting against harmful people

1. Establish and maintain boundaries. Borders are important in general, but they become even more important when dealing with harmful people. Malicious people often take advantage of people with boundaries that are not strongly defined and who are not particularly assertive. Here are a few steps to help you create better boundaries:
   • Get in touch with your own feelings and then act. Try not to get caught in the emotional turmoil of harmful people. Pay attention to what you feels and need.
   • Give yourself permission to stand firm. Many people feel guilty when they have to set firm boundaries. But it also remains very important to take care of yourself. Don't ignore yourself just to accommodate others. Learning to say no doesn't make you a bad person.
2. Listen to your gut feeling. Some people find it easy to find excuses for a harmful person. You know deep down that this person is bad for you or is taking advantage of you. Avoid explaining away these gut feelings or their behavior. Let your instincts have the final say, because it probably knows what's going on and what you need better than you realize.
3. Ask for help. Learn to know when enough has passed and you need help. Contact a close friend or family member you can rely on. If you want to maintain relationships with harmful people, make sure you use your own support network. Keep taking care of yourself as a priority. Giving too much of yourself isn't the best way to be there for other people.
4. Take responsibility for what you do. Try to make a sober assessment of the nature of the relationship you are in and the effect it has on you. Many people who stay friends with harmful people have a "people pleaser" personality, where they want other people to like them and feel like they are supporting others. There's nothing wrong with being supportive, but be aware of what's going on so you have a realistic view of the situation. If the situation is hurting you, that's something you should know. If the situation offers the other person this freedom and prevents it from changing, then that is another thing you should know. Ask yourself these questions to get a sense of whether or not you are uncritically supportive:
   • Am I usually the one who maintains the contact?
   • Do I often take on the role of "peacemaker", trying to smooth out tense and difficult situations?
   • Does it sometimes feel like I'm chasing this person, taking over responsibilities, or working behind the scenes to avoid anger or confrontation?
5. Go away. Ultimately, you may have to end the relationship with this person if it is harmful to you. Keeping people out of your life can be a painful experience, but in the case of harmful people, short-term pain can be healthier than long-term pain. Keeping harmful people in your life can mess up your self-esteem, your finances, your emotional balance, and your other relationships. If the toll you're paying is too high, it may be time to plan your way out.

Tips

• Respond to hostility with compassion. This is good modeling behavior and also makes you feel positive about yourself.

Warnings

• Don't play with their games. If you find yourself being sucked in, take a step back and assess your involvement in the situation.