Content

• To step
• Method 1 of 3: Understand the situation
• Method 2 of 3: Make a plan
• Method 3 of 3: Follow-up actions
• Tips
• Warnings
• Necessities

When you've hurt someone, it's not always easy to make amends. Apologizing can be a scary idea, but it's well worth it if it can save your relationship. Talking about the situation is a big step in the right direction. Better to just talk about it instead of pretending it didn't happen. If you can find the right way to apologize, you can make amends. To learn how to mend a relationship, see the steps below.

To step

Method 1 of 3: Understand the situation

1. Try to look at the situation objectively. Was it a situation where one of the two was clearly wrong or was it unclear? It is difficult to apologize, especially if you are not sure what exactly and whether you are the one to apologize. Think carefully about what happened and identify what you are responsible for and what you should apologize for.
   • If you know clearly what your role was in the whole, and therefore why you should apologize, it is less difficult to apologize. For example, if you've borrowed a car without first asking for permission and then had an accident, it's pretty clear why you should apologize.
   • It may also be that it is not all that clear. If you've had a fight with a friend and haven't talked to each other for a while, it can be difficult to find out who caused the fight.
2. You can having mixed feelings about someone but when you've done something wrong you don't always feel guilty. People often hide their shame through aggressive behavior or by making up all kinds of reasons for their behavior. It can be difficult to admit that you made a mistake and hurt someone else. However, if you want to apologize, you should focus on what you did and on repairing the relationship instead of letting your feelings cloud your thoughts about the situation. Ask yourself the following questions to gauge your feelings:
   • Do you try to cover up your own shame because you fear that you will be less of a person if you admit your mistakes? Do not worry! If you apologize for a mistake, it only proves that you are a good person, not a bad person.
   • Are you aware of your mistake but convinced yourself that you should not admit it in order to maintain your reputation? This will only give you a reputation for being stubborn and angry.
   • Do you think this is a battle between your self-esteem and the respect you get from others?
3. Try to see the situation from the other person's perspective. How do they feel about what happened between you? Do you think they feel just as angry and frustrated as you? Do they feel hurt, amazed, confused and frustrated? Don't think about your own pain for a moment, and ask yourself how the other person feels about you.
   • Try to change your mood. If you are still angry, and you feel like you have been wronged or even irreconcilable, you should realize that your relationship is more important than whether you are right.
4. Write down the reasons why you want to apologize. This helps you convert the emotions you feel into concrete reasons on paper. This way, you can separate the emotions, the concerns, the truth, and your own interpretation and get a good overview, which in turn helps you apologize.
   • Admit what you did wrong. You shouldn't come across as arrogant or stubborn, but honest.
   • If you think you are both to blame for the argument, you should still avoid saying this by being the bigger person.
   • Read everything you wrote down. What do you notice? Can you see a pattern? For example, you can see that you have behaved selfishly towards a particular person or towards everyone before. What happened is not as important as the motivation that caused it, so try to get it clear what you want to convey to the other person during your apology.
5. If you apologize you should do this honestly, if you still feel angry or defensive you should wait. There is no point in apologizing if you are still preoccupied with your emotions. Your message will not come across well because it is not sincere. You have to confront your own reluctance to find out what is bothering you so much.
   • If necessary, you can give yourself some time to cool down and let the wounds heal. Don't wait too long, however, because the longer you wait, the longer it will take to regain the other person's trust and the more difficult it will be to make amends.
   • You just have to admit your own bad behavior and try to make it right. Admitting does not mean that you like something right now, but that you recognize the behavior and know what you did wrong.
   • Acknowledge that you are angry and that it is not necessarily bad, but do not use your anger as an excuse. Make a conscious choice to move on, always remember that the excuse is about your mistake and not your reputation.
6. Decide what to do to repair the damage you have caused. Once you have passed the shame and can think clearly again, you need to think about how to make up for it. Everyone apologizes differently, so you have to decide for yourself what suits you best.
   • Apologizing may mean being vulnerable and apologizing.
   • Sometimes you have to do more than just apologize. In such cases, you also have to put your words into action. If you have damaged someone's property, you can offer to compensate for the damage financially.

Method 2 of 3: Make a plan

1. You have to decide in advance what to say and try to practice the conversation. Look at your list of reasons again, and think about what you could have done differently and how you can avoid these problems in the future. Make a note, in your head or on paper, of what you are going to say to the other person, including the following:
   • You have to forget your guilt and take responsibility. Discuss what you did wrong and admit that you made a mistake. This ensures the right tone during the conversation. You can start by saying that you are sorry for hurting the other person. If you admit this right away, you will take away a lot of the tension.
   • Of course, this isn't the first time you've hurt someone, and they've probably experienced a similar situation. Sorry can come across as a little easy, so if you use the word sorry, you should also make it clear that you are really sorry by going further into how you feel about what happened. In particular, discuss how you will prevent this in the future.
2. Go to the other. It is of course possible to apologize by email or telephone, but it is much better to go to the other person. This shows a degree of guilt and a real will to make amends.
   • If you want to apologize to a family member you haven't seen in a while, you should invite them to neutral territory. You should not sit at home with you or the other person, because that creates tension.
   • If you can't start apologizing yourself because of the distance between the two of you, write a letter. You do not have to use a computer, but just write a letter old-fashioned. This comes across as much more personal and helps you express your emotions in words. If you don't have nice handwriting, practice your handwriting before you start.
3. Always start your apology by telling the other person that you are want to apologize for your mistake and then continue by saying everything you have practiced before. Consider the following:
   • The purpose of this conversation is to improve your relationship during the conversation. If you start the conversation with that idea, you are already well on your way.
   • Pay attention to your body language, the tone of your voice and your posture. If you're really sorry, it should show in all of these things. Look the other person in the eye to show that you mean what you say, don't avoid them. Also, don't avoid the truth.
   • Only use language that shows that what you say is only your opinion. For example, say things like “I think” and “I think” instead of using terms like “you” and “you” that sound rather reproachful. The behavior of the other is not in question. You are the one to apologize, not the other.
   • Don't say things that show you think you are actually right. This only leads to more arguments.
4. Keep it short and simple. The longer you talk, the more problems you cause. Make sure your apology is short, concise, and effective. You want to end the discomfort for both of you as soon as possible.
5. Let the other take out on you. You should not think that you know what the other person thinks of you, but just face the confrontation blankly. You may have tried to imagine what the other is thinking, but you do that from your own perspective, you don't know what the other is thinking. Give the other person the space, time and freedom to tell you what they think of what you have done so that you can learn from it. Even if you don't completely agree with the other, you should keep your mouth shut!
6. Support your words with actions. If you say that you are sorry, it helps if you can substantiate this right away by making promises for improvement in the future and immediately linking actions to this. For example, you can immediately offer to take care of the damage if you have broken something. If you have offended someone with your words, you should explain why you did this. It does not matter whether it concerns money, time, or attention, try to give back or at least compensate what you have taken from the other person.
   • Explain what you are going to change about your behavior to avoid similar situations in the future. If you can make this clear, you should do that. If you make a promise, you must keep it. For example, if you tell the other person that you will never ride an ATV again because of the accident you caused that killed a sheep, you can show them a sales ad for your ATV.
   • Be honest when the other person asks if you have learned anything from this. This gives the other person the impression that you are really sorry, have learned something and it gives the other person the impression that this has been a good lesson for you.
   • If you have trouble keeping your promises, you can also make the other person a proposal in which you use a certain object that is important to you. However, this is a horse remedy that you should not use. An example would be if you say, "If I don't do this, you can sell my Star Trek collection."
7. If you don't know how best to apologize, ask the other person for suggestions. If they make a realistic suggestion, you can use it, even though it's more likely they won't want to think along with you given the situation. So be careful if you think the other person will take this as an opportunity to take something away from you, you want to apologize but that doesn't mean they can do anything to you.

Method 3 of 3: Follow-up actions

1. Don't make the same mistake twice. If you hurt someone twice, they will never trust you again. If you want to keep the friendship, make sure you never hurt this person again. Try to be a reliable friend. It's impossible to be perfect, but you can do your best to be as reliable as possible.
2. When the conflict is over, you should also be able to move on with your life. No matter what the outcome of your attempt to apologize, it's important that you don't get stuck in self-pity after the attempt and just move on. If it didn't work out, it doesn't matter, you did your best and that's the most important.
   • Focus on the future and don't dwell in the past for too long.
   • If things don't work out in the end, you should resolve never to hurt someone so much that they don't want to have anything to do with you again.
3. It is important that you learn from what happened. Use your experience to forgive people who make the same mistake without feeling superior.
   • If you forgive yourself, you can live in the present and avoid getting stuck in the past. That way you can always move on, even if things don't work out in the end. If you forgive yourself you can remember the experience, heal it and move on with your life.

Tips

• Quarrels do happen more often in a relationship, but an argument can help you understand each other better and get to know each other's boundaries so that you will have less arguments in the future. If you see every argument as an opportunity for a better relationship, you do not have to avoid them every time, but you can also just have an argument from time to time without getting too nervous about it.
• If you ask someone else for forgiveness, you must have forgiven yourself in advance, this will make it easier for the other to forgive you.
• If you apologize on behalf of someone else, a friend or family member, because you feel responsible for the other person, you are not doing well. If you do this, do not put their shame and guilt on you because this can affect your life. You should remind yourself from time to time that we are all responsible for our own actions.

Warnings

• If you always think you're right, your life probably won't go very well. Everyone has an opinion, and it often differs from your opinion, but that doesn't mean everyone is wrong. You use your own opinion, critical thinking and perspective to make judgments so that your opinion can never be the same as that of someone else. If you always think that you are right, you will argue a lot with other people. You can prevent this by putting your own opinion into perspective and admitting that your opinion is not always correct. You should also do this when talking to other people by saying things like "your opinion differs from mine". Sometimes there are several truths.

Necessities

• Pen and paper (optional)