Content

• Content
• Steps
• Method 1 of 3: Get Help
• Method 2 of 3: When loved ones are affected
• Method 3 of 3: Learn to Recognize the Signs of Borderline Personality Disorder
• Tips
• Warnings

Borderline personality disorder is a type of personality disorder that the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) defines as a manifestation of instability in interpersonal relationships and self-perception. People with BPD have difficulty understanding and managing their emotions. As with any disorder, this behavior causes severe stress and social exclusion and can be diagnosed for certain symptoms. A mental health professional is able to diagnose borderline personality disorder; you shouldn't try to diagnose yourself or others yourself. Overcoming the manifestations of this disorder is equally difficult for both the person with the disorder and his loved ones. But if you or someone you care about has BPD, there are a number of ways you can learn to deal with it.

Content

Steps

Method 1 of 3: Get Help

1. 1 Seek help from a psychotherapist. Therapy is the first step in treating people with a condition such as borderline personality disorder. While there are a number of treatments available, one of the most effective statistically is dialectical behavioral (or behavioral) therapy. It is based in part on the principles of cognitive behavioral therapy and was authored by Marsha Linegan.
   • Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is a treatment designed specifically to help people with BPD. Research confirms the continued success of this method. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy focuses on teaching people with the disorder how to manage their emotions, develop a tolerance for frustration, develop self-awareness skills, identify and define their emotions, and strengthen psychosocial skills to interact with others.
   • Another common treatment method is scheme therapy. This type of treatment combines CBT techniques with techniques used in other approaches. This method focuses on helping people with BPD rebuild and reshape their perceptions and expectations to build stable self-esteem.
   • Therapy is usually carried out in both individual and group formats. This combination allows you to achieve more effective results.
2. 2 Pay attention to how you are feeling. One of the common problems in people with BPD is the inability to recognize and define their own emotions. Trying to stop yourself from experiencing strong emotions and reflecting on exactly what you are experiencing now can help you learn to manage your emotions.
   • Try to "check" yourself from time to time throughout the day.For example, you can take a break from work, close your eyes and “check” how your body is feeling and what emotions you are experiencing at the moment. Pay attention to any physical stress or soreness. Try to find yourself looping the same thought or feeling internally over a period of time. Observing your feelings will help you learn to recognize your emotions, which is the way to learn how to manage them.
   • Try to think as concretely as possible. For example, instead of saying, “I’m so angry that this is just unbearable!”, Try to find out the source of this emotion: “I am angry because I was late for work because of traffic jams.”
   • Try not to judge your emotions when thinking about them. For example, avoid telling yourself, "I am very angry, and I am such a terrible person to feel this way." Instead, concentrate on identifying your feelings without any judgment or criticism: "I'm angry right now because my friend is so late."
3. 3 Learn to distinguish between primary and secondary emotions. Learning to recognize all of your feelings in a given situation is a very important step towards mastering emotional self-control. People with BPD tend to experience emotional chaos and storms. Stop for a moment to try to separate different emotions from each other.
   • For example, if your friend forgets that you agreed to have lunch together today, your natural reaction would be anger. And this is the primary, basic emotion.
   • But along with anger, you may experience a whole host of other emotions. For example, you might get hurt when a friend forgot about you. It may seem to you that this is a sign that he does not care about you. You may feel ashamed that you don't deserve to be remembered by your friends. These will all be secondary emotions.
   • Reflecting on the sources of certain emotions can help you deal with them.
4. 4 Learn positive self-talk. One way to learn healthier ways to deal with your reactions to different situations is to replace your negative reactions and habits with positive self-talk. It will take some time for you to feel comfortable and natural to do this, but it is an extremely useful skill. Research has shown that positive self-talk can help increase concentration and focus and overcome feelings of anxiety.
   • Remind yourself constantly that you deserve love and respect. Play a game with yourself, the task of which is to find as much as possible of what you like about yourself: competence, caring, vivid imagination, and so on. As soon as you start to get overwhelmed by negative thoughts about yourself, remind yourself of all the positive qualities that you have identified in yourself.
   • Try to remind yourself that all unpleasant situations are temporary, sooner or later they pass, and this happens to all people. For example, if a coach criticizes your tennis practice, think that this situation is not at all an assessment of your game in general, especially how you can play in the future. Instead of diving into endless experiences of the past, focus on what you can do better next time. This will give you a sense of control over your actions and relieve you from feeling like a victim of circumstance.
   • Reconstruct negative thoughts in a positive way. For example, if you didn't do well on an exam, your first thought might be, “I'm such a failure. I am worthless and will definitely fail my studies completely. " Such thoughts are not only not helpful, but also not fair to you. Better to think about how you can benefit from your failure: “I didn’t do the exam the way I wanted.You can talk to the teacher and understand what exactly brings me, and prepare for the next exam more effectively. "
5. 5 Before you react to those around you, pause and check yourself. It is natural for a person with BPD to often respond with anger or despair. For example, if you are upset by a friend, your instinctive reaction might be to yell or threaten the other person. Instead, try to pause internally and try to deal with your emotions. Then try to convey how you feel to the other person in a non-aggressive manner.
   • For example, say your friend is late for a planned lunch together and your first reaction is anger. You may be tempted to yell at her and ask why she is being so disrespectful to you.
   • Test your emotions. What do you feel? Which emotion is primary and which are secondary? For example, you may feel angry, but also fear that the person did this to you out of indifference.
   • Try asking your friend a question in a calm voice without trying to scare or criticize her. Use statements that begin with "I / Me". For example: “I am offended that you were so late for our lunch. Why are you late? " Perhaps you will find that in reality the reason for being late is completely harmless, for example, there were traffic jams or she could not find the key to the house for a long time. Sentences that begin with "I / Me" do not allow you to break into accusations of another person. And this, in turn, makes it possible for the other person not to defend himself and to be more open.
   • Remind yourself to be aware of your emotions and not rush to jump to conclusions. This will help you learn to control your reactions when you interact with other people.
6. 6 Describe your emotions in detail. Try to correlate the physical symptoms and the emotional states in which these symptoms appear. Learn to recognize your physical sensations along with emotions, they will also help you to better understand your emotions.
   • For example, in certain situations, you may feel as if everything in your stomach is falling somewhere into emptiness, but you may not understand what feeling is associated with this physical sensation. The next time this sensation arises, think about how you are feeling at that moment. Perhaps this sensation is closely related to nervousness or anxiety.
   • Once you realize that the feeling of emptiness in your stomach is associated with anxiety, you will begin to notice that you have become more in control of this feeling, and now it is no longer controlling you.
7. 7 Learn self-soothing techniques. Mastering the techniques of self-soothing can help you find calmness at the moment when you are overwhelmed by a storm of emotions. These techniques can help you show mercy and comfort.
   • Take a hot bath or shower. According to research, physical warmth has a calming effect on most people.
   • Listen to soothing music. Studies have shown that listening to certain music can help you relax. The British Academy of Sound Therapy has compiled a list of scientifically proven sedative songs.
   • Try to soothe yourself with a touch. By touching yourself with compassion and a desire to comfort, you release stress by releasing oxytocin. Cross your arms over your chest and try to squeeze yourself gently. Or, put your hand on your heart and feel the warmth of your skin, your heartbeat, and the movement of your chest as you breathe. Take a moment to remind yourself that you are beautiful and worthy.
8. 8 Develop a tolerance for uncertainty and difficult situations. Emotional patience is the ability to experience uncomfortable emotions without giving in to inappropriate reactions. This skill can be developed by being aware of your emotions and stepping through situations of uncertainty in a safe environment.
   • Keep a journal throughout the day where you note whenever you feel insecure, anxious, or fearful. Be sure to indicate in which particular situation you had these feelings and how you reacted to them.
   • Rate the level of uncertainty in the situation. Try to place anything that makes you anxious and uncomfortable on a scale of 0 to 10. For example, “go to a restaurant alone” could be 4, and “let a friend plan a shared vacation” could be all 10.
   • Develop a patience for uncertainty. Start with small, relatively safe situations. For example, try ordering a dish at a restaurant that you have never tasted before. You may or may not like it, but this is not the main thing. You will prove to yourself that you are able to handle the situation of uncertainty on your own. Gradually, as you become more and more secure, you can move on to more serious situations.
   • Write down your reactions. You tried to do something that you were not sure about - write down what came of it. What have you done? How did you feel during this experience? How did you feel after? How did it feel if things didn't go as you expected? Do you think you will be able to withstand a more serious situation in the future?
9. 9 Train yourself to have unpleasant experiences in a safe environment. Your therapist can help you learn how to deal with uncomfortable emotions through a variety of exercises. Here are some examples of how you can learn it yourself:
   • Take an ice cube in your hand and hold it until you feel that negative emotions have passed. Concentrate on the physical sensation of the ice cube in your hand. Please note that at first there is a very strong emotional stress, but gradually it subsides. The same can be said for any emotion.
   • Imagine an ocean wave. Imagine how it rises and then rises and falls down. Remind yourself that we are like waves - our emotions rise and then dissolve into nothingness.
10. 10 Get regular exercise. Exercise can help reduce stress levels from stress, anxiety, or depression. This is due to the fact that exercise releases endorphins, or so-called "happiness hormones", produced by our body. The American National Institute of Mental Health recommends regular physical activity that can reduce negative emotions.
    • Studies have shown that even moderate exercise, such as walking or gardening, can have a similar effect.
11. 11 Stick to a schedule. Because instability is one of the hallmarks of borderline personality disorder, discipline about eating and sleeping times can be curative. Swings in blood sugar and lack of sleep can worsen symptoms of the disorder.
    • If you forget to take care of yourself, for example, forget to eat or go to bed on time, ask someone to remind you of this.
12. 12 Set realistic goals for yourself. The process of overcoming any mental illness takes time and practice. There is no need to expect a complete transformation in a few days. Don't let yourself get discouraged. Do not forget that you can only what you can, and what you can is enough.
    • Remember that the symptoms of your illness will definitely subside, but it will not happen overnight.

Method 2 of 3: When loved ones are affected

1. 1 Recognize that your feelings are natural. Friends and family members of people with BPD often feel that they are unable to cope, feel disoriented, exhausted, and have other traumatic experiences related to their loved one’s behavior.Depression, feelings of grief and isolation, and feelings of guilt are very common in those who have a loved one with BPD. It may be helpful for you to know that this is a natural phenomenon, and it is not because you are a bad or indifferent person that you feel this way.
2. 2 Learn what borderline personality disorder is. This disease is as real and devastating as physical disease. At the same time, there is no “fault” of your loved one in him. Your loved one may feel tremendous feelings of shame and guilt about their behavior, but at the same time be unable to change anything. Understanding the nature of borderline personality disorder can help you provide your loved one with the best possible support. Explore the resources about what this condition is and how you can help it.
   • A lot of information in English can be found on the website of the US National Institute of Mental Health (The National Institute of Mental Health).
   • In addition, there are various online programs, blogs and other resources through which you can understand what it means to suffer from BPD. The Borderline Personality Disorder Resource Center provides videos, guidance books, and other advice for loved ones.
3. 3 Encourage your loved one to go to therapy. It is important to understand that therapy will take a certain period of time and that not all people with BPD are susceptible to this treatment.
   • Try to never judge your loved one. For example, there is no use in saying "You bother me" or "Your behavior scares me." Try to use statements that begin with "I" and express empathy and concern: "I am worried about what I see in your behavior" or "I love you and want to help you."
   • A person with BPD is more likely to benefit from therapy if they trust their therapist. However, the instability in the relationship of patients with these disorders with other people can make it difficult to find such a therapist.
   • Consider family therapy. Some treatments for borderline personality disorder include co-therapy with the patient and loved ones.
4. 4 Never discount the feelings of your loved one. Even if you don't understand why he or she is feeling this way, try to be supportive and compassionate. For example, you might say something like, "It looks like you are having a hard time," or "I understand, this is very unpleasant."
   • Remember, you don't have to agree with your loved one to show them consideration and compassion. Just maintain eye contact when you listen to it and assent when you talk.
5. 5 Be consistent. Given that people with BPD are extremely inconsistent, it is very important that you, as an anchor, be consistent. If you said you'd come home at 5, do your best to do so. However, one should not react to threats, demands or manipulations. Make sure that your actions do not conflict with your own needs and values.
   • It also means maintaining healthy boundaries. For example, you might tell your loved one that if they raise their voice at you, you will leave the room. This is true. And if he starts yelling at you, be sure to do what you promised to do in such a case.
   • It is very important to develop a plan of action in advance in case your loved one begins to behave destructively or endanger themselves or you. It may be helpful to work out this plan in advance together in the presence of the therapist. And whatever that plan is, follow it.
6. 6 Set and insist on personal boundaries. People with BPD can be very difficult to live with because they are unable to control their emotions. They may try to manipulate their loved ones to meet their own needs. They may not be aware of personal boundaries at all and often do not know how to set them and do not even understand what they are. By setting your own personal boundaries based on your needs and comfort level, you can protect yourself in your interactions with your loved one.
   • For example, you might say that you won't be answering calls after 10pm because you need to get enough sleep. If your loved one calls at a later time, it is important to defend your boundaries and not answer calls. If you did answer, remind him of your boundaries and at the same time acknowledge his emotions: “I worry about you and I know that you have a difficult period, but it's already half past eleven at night, and I asked you not to call after 10. This is important to me ... Call me tomorrow at 6. And now I hang up, good night. "
   • If your loved one accuses you of being indifferent because you do not answer their calls, remind you that you set this boundary even earlier. Suggest another time when you can call.
   • More often than not, you have to insist on your boundaries over and over again before the loved one realizes that these are really real boundaries. It should be expected that on his part, the reaction to your attempts to defend yourself will be anger, bitterness, and other strong negative emotions. Don't respond to these reactions and don't get angry yourself. Keep pushing your own boundaries.
   • Remember that answering no is not a sign of indifference or that you are a bad person. You, too, need to take care of your physical and emotional health so that you have the strength to take care of your loved one.
7. 7 Reward appropriate behavior with positive feedback and praise. It is very important to reinforce responses to healthy behaviors with positive and praise. This will cheer up your loved one by instilling confidence in them that they can handle their emotions. It also motivates you not to give up.
   • For example, if your loved one starts yelling at you and then stops and thinks, thank him. Recognize that it was not easy for him, and make it clear that you appreciate it.
8. 8 Seek support for yourself.Caring for and supporting a loved one with BPD can be exhausting. It is important that you, too, have the resources that will help you receive care and support and maintain a balance between showing emotional compassion and tough asserting personal boundaries.
   • The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) and the National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder (NEA-BPD) offer you many resources to support you.
   • You may find it helpful to see a psychologist or therapist yourself. The professional can help you sort out your emotions and develop coping skills.
   • NAMI offers family-to-family education programs that can help families facing similar challenges support each other. Participation in this program is free.
   • Family therapy can also be helpful. Thanks to her, family members can learn to understand and correctly perceive the experiences of their loved one. The therapist offers support and training in specific skills that will help you support your family member. Family therapy considers the needs of each family member separately. Its goal is to help family members develop useful skills, develop coping strategies, and find resources to help them maintain a healthy balance between their own needs and those of their loved one with BPD.
9. 9 Take care of yourself. It is very easy to become so absorbed in caring for your fellow man as to forget about yourself. It is very important to maintain your condition and get enough rest.If you are constantly sleep deprived, feel anxious and do not take care of yourself, then most likely you will begin to react to your loved one with irritation and anger.
   • Get exercise. Exercise can help you overcome stress and anxiety. It is also a good coping technique as it helps restore a sense of balance in life.
   • Eat well. Eat regularly. Eat a balanced diet that includes protein, complex carbohydrates, and vegetables and fruits. Avoid heavy and dry food, and limit your caffeine and alcohol intake.
   • Get enough sleep. Try to go to bed and get up at the same time every day, even on weekends. Don't do anything else in bed - don't use your laptop or watch TV. Avoid caffeine before bed.
   • Relax. Try meditation, yoga, or any other relaxation activity such as a bubble bath or nature walks. When a loved one has BPD, it's always stressful, which is why it's important to take extra time for yourself.
10. 10 Take threats to harm yourself seriously. Even if you've heard someone close to you about wanting to commit suicide or self-harm, always take such threats seriously. 60-70% of people with borderline personality disorder attempt suicide at least once in their life, and in 8-10% of cases, these attempts are successful. If someone close to you threatens to commit suicide, contact a special help service for such people.

Method 3 of 3: Learn to Recognize the Signs of Borderline Personality Disorder

1. 1 Learn how borderline personality disorder is diagnosed. A mental health professional diagnoses borderline personality disorder according to the DSM-5 classification of diseases. According to the DSM-5, a person must show at least 5 of the following symptoms to be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder:
   • "Feverish attempts to avoid real or imagined rejection"
   • "Unstable and emotionally intense interpersonal relationships, characterized by frequent changes in extreme states of idealization and depreciation."
   • "Violation of self-perception"
   • "In at least two areas of life, manifestation of impulsivity, which is potentially self-destructive."
   • "Recurrent suicidal moods, gestures or threats, and self-mutilation"
   • "Affective instability due to pronounced mood swings"
   • "Chronic feeling of emptiness"
   • "Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger."
   • "Erratic, stress-related paranoid ideas or prominent symptoms of dissociation."
   • Keep in mind that you cannot diagnose yourself or loved ones with BPD. The information provided here is solely intended to help you suggest the presence of borderline personality disorder in oneself or a loved one.
2. 2 Notice the intense fear of abandonment. A person with BPD experiences intense fear or anger in the face of the prospect of breaking up with a loved one. This can manifest itself in impulsive behavior, such as self-harm or threats to commit suicide.
   • This reactivity can manifest itself even if the separation is inevitable, already planned, or is temporary (for example, another person goes to work).
   • People with BPD have an intense fear of loneliness and a chronic need to get help from others. When someone leaves, even for a short time, or is late, they may panic or rage.
3. 3 Reflect on the stability of interpersonal relationships. A person with BPD may not have long-term relationships with anyone. People with this disease, as a rule, cannot accept the "gray" sides of the personality of others (and often, themselves). Their view of relationships can be described as “all or nothing,” where the other person is either perfect or evil embodied. People with BPD often end friendships or romantic relationships very quickly.
   • People with BPD often idealize, or “put on a pedestal,” the person with whom they are building a relationship. However, if the other person makes some mistake or mistake (even presumably), the person with BPD will often devalue him right there and then.
   • A person with BPD generally does not accept responsibility for problems in his / her relationship. He may say that the second did not try enough or invested little in the relationship. From the outside, it may seem that such a person has very superficial emotions or relationships with people.
4. 4 Rate this person's level of self-esteem. People with BPD tend to have low self-esteem. In people without this disease, self-perception is usually relatively consistent: they generally understand who they are, what their values ​​are and how others see them - all these ideas rarely undergo significant changes. People with BPD feel very differently. A person with BPD usually has unstable self-esteem that changes depending on the situation and environment.
   • People with BPD may base their opinion of themselves on what they think others think of them. For example, if a partner is late for a date, a person with BPD may take it as a sign that he or she is a bad person and does not deserve to be loved.
   • People with BPD have vague goals and vague values. This also applies to their relationship to other people. A person with BPD can be very kind in one case and extremely cruel in another, even towards the same person.
   • People with BPD may experience intense feelings of self-loathing, even if everyone around them tries to convince them otherwise.
   • People with BPD may experience unstable sex drive. It is much more common for them to change the sex of their partners several times.
   • People with BPD tend to have a worldview that is different from their cultural norms. It is very important to take cultural norms into account to determine what is “normal” or “stable” worldview.
5. 5 Pay attention to the manifestations of self-destruction. Everyone is sometimes impulsive, but a person with BPD regularly exhibits risky and impulsive behavior. Such behavior can pose a serious threat to his well-being, health and safety. Such behavior can manifest itself by itself or as a reaction to any event in life. Common examples of risky behavior include the following:
   • Risky sexual behavior
   • Reckless driving or driving under the influence of alcohol or drugs
   • Alcohol or drug abuse
   • Binge eating and other eating disorders
   • Prodigality
   • Uncontrolled gambling addiction
6. 6 Think about how often you have thoughts or actions related to self-harm or suicide. Self-harm or threats to do so, including threats of suicide, are very common among people with BPD.Such actions can happen on their own, or they can be a reaction to real or imagined rejection or abandonment.
   • Examples of self-mutilation include cuts, burns, scrapes, and pinches of the skin.
   • Suicidal attempts or threats can be manifested, for example, an attempt to grab a package of pills and threats to drink them all at once.
   • Suicidal attempts or threats are sometimes used as a manipulative technique to get the other person to do what the person with BPD wants to do.
   • People with BPD may well be aware that their actions are risky or disruptive, but feel completely unable to change their behavior.
   • 60-70% of people diagnosed with borderline personality disorder attempt suicide at least once.
7. 7 Observe the person's mood. People with borderline personality disorder suffer from "affective instability," in other words, absolute unstable moods, or, in other words, mood swings. Such moods change very quickly and are often much more intense than a stable reaction to a particular situation.
   • For example, a person with BPD may feel euphoric happiness one moment and burst into tears or anger the next. These mood swings can last from a few minutes to many hours.
   • Despair, anxiety, and irritability are common conditions for people with BPD, and can be triggered by events or actions that would go unnoticed by people without the condition. For example, when a therapist reports that the time for their meeting is nearing the end, the person with BPD may respond with feelings of despair and abandonment.
8. 8 Pay attention if your loved one often seems to be suffering from boredom. People with BPD often share that they feel "empty" or extremely bored. Most reckless and impulsive behavior is triggered by these very feelings. According to the DSM-5, a person with BPD can continually seek out new sources of stimulation and experience.
   • In some cases, this sensation extends to the perception of other people. A person with BPD can get bored with friendship or romance very quickly and begin to seek the thrill of a new relationship.
   • A person with BPD may even feel like they don't exist or worry that they are in a different world from everyone else.
9. 9 Pay attention to frequent outbursts of anger. A person with BPD will display anger more often and more intensely than is customary in their culture. He usually has difficulty controlling his anger. It is often a reaction to the feeling that a friend or family member is neglecting and neglecting them.
   • Anger can be expressed in the form of sarcasm, bitterness, verbal outbursts and tantrums.
   • Anger can also serve as a default reaction, even in situations where from the outside, completely different reactions seem to be more adequate. For example, a person who wins a sporting event may, instead of rejoicing over victory, focus on being angry with their opponent.
   • This kind of anger can turn into physical violence and fights.
10. 10 Pay attention to manifestations of paranoia. A person with BPD may suffer from intermittent paranoid thoughts. As a rule, they are triggered by stress and do not last long, but at the same time, they can return regularly. This paranoia is most often associated with the intentions or actions of others.
    • For example, if a person is told that they have a medical condition, they may suspect the doctor is colluding with someone against them.
    • Another common tendency among people with BPD is dissociation. A person with BPD may suffer from dissociative thoughts and feel as if they or those around them are not real.
11. 11 Find out if the person has PTSD. Borderline personality disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) are closely related, as both can occur after trauma, especially during childhood. A person with PTSD may be haunted by unexpected vivid memories, they may avoid talking or reminders of what happened, be under stress, have difficulty remembering an event (s) that traumatized them, or exhibit other symptoms. If a person has PTSD, the chances are high that they also have borderline personality disorder, and vice versa.

Tips

• Continue to be supportive and open as possible.
• Take time for yourself, regardless of whether you yourself have this disease or someone close to you is suffering from it.
• There is no approved medication for the treatment of borderline personality disorder. Medicines cannot cure this disease. At the same time, mental health professionals may prescribe additional medications to reduce symptoms such as depression, anxiety, or aggression.
• Remember that BPD is not your “fault,” and it doesn’t make you a “bad” person. This disorder is treatable.

Warnings

• Always take threats to self-harm or commit suicide seriously. If anyone close to you expresses suicidal thoughts or self-harm, call your local or federal helpline.