Content

• Steps
• Part 1 of 4: Signs of Emotional and Psychological Abuse
• Part 2 of 4: Signs of Sexual Violence
• Part 3 of 4: Signs of physical abuse
• Part 4 of 4: How to Deal with Violence
• Tips
• Warnings

Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference between when your partner just got up on the wrong foot and when he is abusive to you. According to the study, 57% of students are unsure if they will be able to recognize abuse in relationships. Violence can take many forms and is not limited to physical abuse. Emotional and psychological humiliation, verbal abuse are all manifestations of cruelty. Abusive people try to control you through threats, coercion, manipulation, and other methods. Normal healthy relationships are based on mutual trust, respect and acceptance of the person for who they are. If you are worried about the threat of an unhealthy relationship or an abusive partner, read our article for signs of this behavior and how to maintain healthy and happy relationships.

Steps

Part 1 of 4: Signs of Emotional and Psychological Abuse

1. 1 Controlling behavior. This behavior may seem “normal” to you, but it is one form of cruelty. Your boyfriend may say that he always wants to know what you are doing because he cares about you, but real concern involves trust. The following are signs of a guy's controlling behavior:
   • he demands to constantly call him up, even if it is unreasonable or inconvenient;
   • he wants to know about everything that you do;
   • he forbids you to see people if he is not around;
   • it looks at your phone, computer and social media profiles;
   • he expresses dissatisfaction if you spend time with someone other than him;
   • he demands to show him your messages;
   • it asks for passwords from your accounts;
   • he dictates what to wear, where to go, what to say, and the like.
2. 2 Rate how you feel around him. Sometimes it is difficult to recognize abuse if what you think of as "abuse" (usually physical abuse) has not happened yet. You can measure your relationship by how you feel around your boyfriend. Perhaps you feel like something is “wrong” or you are “tiptoeing” and don't know what will make him angry. You may also be constantly blamed for relationship problems. Consider the following questions:
   • Are you accepted for who you are, or are you constantly being forced to change?
   • Do you feel embarrassed or humiliated around your boyfriend?
   • Does the guy blame you for his feelings or actions?
   • Do you feel embarrassed for yourself around a guy?
   • Do you feel like you have to change in order to prove your “love”?
   • Do you feel tired or empty after interacting with him?
3. 3 Rate how he talks to you. We all say words that we later regret. Even in healthy relationships, people don't always show kindness and respect in their interactions. But if you notice constant disrespect, underestimation, intimidation or humiliation, then these are undeniable signs of an unhealthy relationship. Ask yourself the following questions:
   • Does your boyfriend constantly judge you even in front of other people?
   • Does he call you names or insults?
   • Does the guy raise his voice and yell at you?
   • Do you feel like you are being suppressed, rejected, ignored or ridiculed?
   • Does the guy tell you that you'll never find someone “better” than him, or that you don't “deserve” someone else?
   • Are you embarrassed by what your boyfriend talks about you?
4. 4 Rate how people listen to you. Some people are born leaders who take responsibility. This is fine. But if the guy does not recognize your needs or ideas, or makes mutual decisions without discussing with you, then this is a problem. In a healthy relationship, people listen to each other even when they disagree and try to find a compromise. Abusive relationships are more like a one-way road.
   • For example, do you have a say in making plans? Does your boyfriend listen to you or do you usually do what he wants?
   • Are your feelings taken into account? For example, if you tell a guy that his words hurt your feelings, will he understand this and ask for forgiveness?
   • Are you comfortable expressing your opinion or arguing with a guy? Does he listen to your opinion if it does not coincide with his views?
5. 5 Assess how much the guy takes responsibility. A common trait of abusive people is that they try to shift responsibility for their actions and feelings onto others. Also, the cruel person will blame you for not giving him what he wants.
   • This can sometimes take the form of flattery, especially if you are being praised in comparison to others. For example, he says something like, “I'm so glad I met you. You are totally different from my crazy ex-girlfriends. " If you notice that a guy often blames others for his feelings or actions, then this is a bad sign.
   • An abusive person may also accuse you of being cruel. For example, a common excuse for cruelty is, "You made me so angry that I lost my temper," or, "I'm jealous of all my friends because I love you so much." Remember that each person is responsible for their feelings and actions. You are not responsible for your boyfriend.
   • Abusive people often get what they want by making you feel guilty as if you were the cause of their emotions. For example, "I'll kill myself if you leave me," or, "I'll go crazy if you meet that guy again." This behavior is dishonest and unhealthy.

Part 2 of 4: Signs of Sexual Violence

1. 1 Rate how much you enjoy sex with a guy. There is a common misconception that once you start a relationship, you “owe” your boyfriend sex. This is absolutely not the case. In a healthy relationship, sexual activity is always mutual, consistent, and enjoyable for both partners. Disrespecting your desires is a sign of cruelty.
   • Some people think that being in a relationship cannot blame a person for rape, but this is not the case. Having a relationship is not a binding contract that you cannot refuse sex. If your partner forces you to have sex against your will (even if you have enjoyed having sex with him before), then this is rape.
   • Sexual intercourse in a situation where you are intoxicated, unconscious, or unable to consent for another reason is cruelty and violence.
2. 2 Assess how much you are being forced into action. In addition to rape, other forms of sexual abuse are possible. For example, your abuser forces you to have sex without your desire. If you are pressured or forced, then this is cruelty and violence.
   • For example, your boyfriend says, "You can do this if you love me," or, "All girls do this, so you should." These are examples of coercion, trying to make you feel guilty in order to get what you want from you.
   • If you are required to have special sexual encounters that you do not like or enjoy, then this is abuse.Even if you generally enjoy having sex, you shouldn't be forced to have sex that scares you or doesn't interest you. It's okay to settle for one and refuse the other.
   • If you are forced to submit nude photos, that is abuse. Please be aware that if you are a minor (under the age of 18), sending or receiving such photographs may legally be considered a type of child pornography.
3. 3 Rate how your healthy choices are respected. You have the right to make decisions about your personal and sexual health. This includes the choice of contraceptives used and protection against sexually transmitted diseases.
   • The partner must respect your choice. For example, if you want to use condoms and other protective equipment, then the guy should not blame you or try to dissuade you.
   • A guy shouldn't try to trick you into having sex without the contraception and protection you want to use. “I forgot to put on a condom” is no excuse.

Part 3 of 4: Signs of physical abuse

1. 1 Physical abuse does not happen immediately. Abuse does not always start with physical abuse. Sometimes they can even seem “too good to be true” when your chosen one looks like the “dream guy”. But all types of cruelty increase over time, and if one form of cruelty manifests itself, then others will manifest over time.
   • Physical abuse can be cyclical. There are usually times of calm when the abuser behaves well and even tries to please you. Then the tension begins to build up, leading to a surge of violence. After such an event, your abuser may apologize, “repent” of his actions, and promise to change. This cycle is constantly repeated.
2. 2 Even one-time cruelty is too much. "Acceptable" level of brutality does not exist... The abuser may apologize for their actions by saying, “I am angry,” or blame them on alcohol or drugs. In healthy relationships, people do not express emotions through violence. If your boyfriend is having violent attacks, then he needs psychological help.
   • A person cannot just “become” cruel after drinking. If a guy blames alcohol for his behavior, then this is an attempt to justify himself in order to avoid responsibility for his actions.
   • A willingness to express emotions through cruelty indicates the possibility of a worsening situation. If your boyfriend may suddenly become violent, then it's best to end the relationship.
3. 3 Assess how safe you are with him. In a healthy relationship, people get angry sometimes, too, because it's natural. But the difference is that if a person respects his girlfriend, then he will never harm her, and he will not threaten even in a fit of anger. If you don't feel safe, then you probably have a violent boyfriend.
   • Some people threaten to harm themselves if they don't get what they want. This is a form of abuse.
4. 4 Other types of physical abuse. Violence includes such obvious manifestations as punches and kicks, slaps, attempts to strangle them. However, there are many other types of physical abuse that are not so easy to recognize:
   • attempts to destroy your personal belongings (break your phone or scratch your car with keys)
   • a tendency to deny basic needs such as food and sleep;
   • hunting to bind you or restrict movement without your consent;
   • the desire not to let you out of your house or car, not to let you in the hospital, or to prevent you from calling emergency services;
   • attempts to threaten you with a weapon;
   • the desire to push you out of the house or out of the car;
   • ideas to leave you in an unfamiliar or dangerous place;
   • violence against children or pets;
   • attempts to drive a car dangerously when you are inside.

Part 4 of 4: How to Deal with Violence

1. 1 Understand that this is not your fault. There is a common misconception that a victim of violence can “deserve” this treatment. For example, when Chris Brown beat Rihanna, many quickly came to the conclusion that she “deserved” it with her behavior. All wrong. It doesn't matter what you did and what you didn't. Nobody deserves a violent treatment, it always on the conscience of the offender.
   • This applies to any form of violence, not just physical violence. Every person deserves to be treated with kindness and respect.
2. 2 Call the Domestic Violence Hotline. These hotlines can help those who have been or believe they are being abused. These services sometimes provide competent lawyers who will listen to you and help you choose an acceptable solution to a problem.
   • In Russia, you can contact the Crisis Center for Women by phone (495) 124-61-85. You can also call the Psychological Aid Service (short number 051, Moscow) or the All-Russian Helpline for Women Victims of Domestic Violence (8-800-7000-600).
3. 3 Talk to someone you trust. If you are afraid of your abusive boyfriend, tell your loved one about it. This could be your parents, therapist, school worker, or church representative. It's important to find someone who will listen to you, offer support, and not be judgmental.
   • Sometimes it is too dangerous to try to end such a relationship. You need to talk to people who can help and support you so that you are not left alone with problems.
   • Remember that asking for help is not a sign of weakness or failure. It is an indicator of your strength and ability to choose what is best for you.
4. 4 Find a safe haven. If you think you are in immediate danger, then leave the guy as soon as possible. Call a close friend or relative and ask to stay with them. You can also contact the Domestic Violence Service for the address of the nearest women's shelter. Call the police if necessary. Do not stay in a place where you are in danger.
   • If you have been physically or sexually abused, call the police immediately and seek medical attention.
5. 5 Get the support of family and friends. Coping with the consequences of abuse is very difficult. Usually, bullies try to isolate you from friends and loved ones. An abusive ex-boyfriend can make you live in fear and loneliness and feel unworthy. The support of loved ones will help you move on and realize that you are a wonderful person who deserves care and respect.
   • Sign up for extracurricular activities and school sections.
   • Become an advocate for your peers who are victims of abusive relationships. Communities and schools often have programs to educate people on how to protect themselves from abuse. You can suggest such a program if you don't already have one!
6. 6 Appreciate yourself. You may have been abused so often that your brain begins to perceive it as “normal”. Remember that all of your ex-boyfriend's harsh words about you are not true. If you start to think of yourself in a negative light, then drive away such thoughts. To switch to the positive, find logical flaws in such thoughts or reformulate them in a useful direction.
   • For example, you may think badly of yourself or your appearance, especially if the abuser has often criticized you. Instead, start looking for aspects that you admire or are proud of. This may seem like “pretense” at first, since you are not used to this way of thinking, but focusing on positive things will help you heal the effects of abuse.
   • If generalizations like “I'm such a failure” come to your mind, try to find logic in such thoughts. It is very likely that she is not here.Focus on specific things, and in case of a real problem, look for ways to solve it: “Today I watched TV longer than I should have and did not have time to do my homework. Tomorrow I’ll do my homework first, and then I can reward myself for it without feeling guilty. ”
   • Celebrate even small accomplishments. Victims of abuse often struggle to overcome feelings of failure. Recognize your accomplishments, even if it's small.

Tips

• Don't be afraid to ask for help. No one should go through such a situation alone.
• There are many organizations that provide assistance to victims of relationship violence. A search on the Internet or a telephone directory can help you locate local centers, support groups, domestic violence victim protection organizations, and other services.
• If the person to whom you have opened up begins to condemn you, then do not take his words for truth. Sometimes people find it difficult to believe in the reality of abuse. What matters is what you feel you, not the words of other people. If one person is quick to judge you, then don't be afraid to talk to other people.

Warnings

• Don't believe in promises to change. If your abuser does not receive psychological help and does not express his true desires change, the likelihood of a change in behavior is extremely low.