Content

• Steps
• Part 1 of 3: Cool Off
• Part 2 of 3: Noticing Signs of Anger
• Part 3 of 3: Prevent Conflict

Relationships are impossible without ups and downs, but anger always makes the situation worse. It may turn out that you notice only the negative sides of your partner, willingly attribute guilt or condemnation to him. This behavior is very harmful to the relationship, so it's best to deal with the problem as soon as possible. Learn to resolve conflicts quickly and constructively, so as not to dwell on guilt, blame, and anger.

Steps

Part 1 of 3: Cool Off

1. 1 Think twice before speaking. Always think what you are saying, even if venting your anger gives you a sense of relief and satisfaction. Collect your thoughts so as not to say what you will later regret.
   • If you want to respond to the words or actions of your partner with lightning speed, then it is better to stop and think carefully.
2. 2 Deep breathing. Focus on your breathing to calm your body and mind. Deep breathing allows you to move away from the situation and feelings of anger in order to focus on your inner state.
   • Practice breathing deeply during moments of calm. Then try to apply these skills in moments of anger or frustration, and make sure they help you pull yourself together.
   • If you feel a wave of anger rolls up, then distract yourself with breathing exercises and prevent an explosion of emotions.
   • This method will help you calm down only if you breathe with your diaphragm, not your chest. In the first case, you will feel how your stomach (and not your shoulders) rises and falls. When exercising, place your hand on your stomach to feel the movement.
3. 3 Calming phrase. If you are usually unable to control your anger, use a word or phrase to remind you to stay calm. This will help you calm down and prevent your emotions from gaining the upper hand.
   • Say to yourself “Relax,” “I’m calm,” or “Calm down.”
   • Always use this word when anger starts to build up.
4. 4 Express your feelings calmly. You can express your feelings calmly even in moments of anger. Focus on your wants, needs, and feelings, rather than blaming or hurting your partner. Speak to express thoughts, not to attack your partner.
   • Speak in the first person. For example, instead of saying, “You made me so angry,” say, “I’m very angry when I hear this from you.” The ability to control your own feelings makes you stronger and does not allow you to unnecessarily shift the blame onto your partner.
5. 5 Break. If you find it difficult to control anger, then explain to your partner that you need to recover. If you are afraid to say something hurtful or feel the need to collect your thoughts and feelings, then ask your partner to take a break. Leave the room, wash with cold water, or take a walk. Do whatever is necessary to pull yourself together.
   • Say, “This needs to be discussed, but I’m having a hard time dealing with my anger. Let's get back to the conversation in 10 minutes or in the late afternoon? ”.
   • Don't use the break to get away from the conversation. Deal with your emotions.

Part 2 of 3: Noticing Signs of Anger

1. 1 Study the signs of anger. It may seem that feelings of anger arise out of the blue, but certain signs are always present. The body communicates anger even before an emotional reaction occurs. Look for these signs:
   • Clenched arms or jaws, tight muscles (eg, shoulders)
   • Blood flow to the face
   • Faster breathing
   • Headache
   • The need to move, to walk back and forth
   • Heart palpitations
2. 2 Accept your anger. Anger is a reflection of our feelings, not an imposed sensation. He is associated only with us, not with a partner. Don't blame your partner and accept that anger is your personal responsibility.
   • Only by accepting anger can you control it.
3. 3 External factors. Assess the extent to which external factors provoke or intensify anger. These include lack of rest, feeling hungry, stress at work or school, and other external influences. If anger in a relationship is caused by external sources of stress (deadlines at work or a child's illness), then the person may not manage the anger well and blame it on the partner or the relationship.
   • Assess your daily activities and identify events or situations that trigger anger. These situations include commuting, noisy children, or lack of sleep every night. Deal with these issues and learn how to release a healthy outlet for anger without the involvement of your partner.
4. 4 Primary emotions. Often, anger is secondary to deeper emotions - sadness, guilt, shame, fear, pain, or rejection. Consider whether anger is the primary emotion or whether it expresses something else. A person uses anger when other emotions make him feel weak or vulnerable, because anger acts as a kind of protection and gives us strength.
   • Ask yourself if you are really angry or reacting to weakness, vulnerability, sadness, or shame. Is anger just an attempt to hide another emotion?
   • If a person regularly feels nothing but anger, then he can be a protection for other emotions that cause feelings of vulnerability.
   • Emotions such as vulnerability, sadness, guilt, shame, or defeat can trigger feelings of fear. Think about why you block these emotions and learn to express them (even if in a secret diary). If you are unable to express emotions other than anger, then you should see a therapist. A professional will help you evoke and feel emotions in a safe way.
5. 5 Maladaptive thoughts. The cause of anger is only our perception of the situation, not outside factors. It is related to our interpretation of events. Acknowledge that thoughts influence anger, then question their validity. In a relationship, a partner can hurt us and trigger the mechanism of anger. Here are common examples of destructive thinking patterns:
   • Generalizations - to say that the partner ALWAYS acts in a certain way or NEVER does something (“You NEVER take out the trash” or “You ALWAYS interrupt me”).
   • Accusations - the desire to blame others if something went wrong. The person may blame their partner for what happened to them, but not admit their responsibility (you forgot your phone on the bus, but blame your partner for distracting you).
   • Telepathy - the assumption that the partner deliberately tried to offend, ignored or upset you (if the partner does not wash the dishes, then you begin to believe that in this way he is taking revenge on you).
   • Last straw - active attempts to find reasons for the disorder or focus on negative aspects. Usually everything starts with the little things and is collected until the “last drop”, after which you explode.
6. 6 Avoiding negative thoughts. Once you've identified your way of thinking, learn to respond rationally to them. If you want to blame your partner for an oversight or defend yourself, pay attention to the thoughts that influence such a desire. Then ask yourself a series of questions.
   • "How accurately and correctly do I assess the situation?"
   • "What can I do about this?"
   • “Could the situation ruin the whole day? Is it worth going to the end? "
   • “How important is it globally? Will this greatly affect our relationship? "
   • Consider spending your anger and emotional energy on it. If not, tell yourself, "I'm upset, but I can handle this."

Part 3 of 3: Prevent Conflict

1. 1 Realize the importance of relationships. It is important to remain polite and not prove yourself right. If you want to “win” at any cost, think about how it affects the relationship and whether you need to pursue such a goal. It is likely that the partner will notice this and will not want to be on the sidelines right after you are right.
2. 2 Focus on the moment. In a moment of anger, he tends to remember the past in order to insist on his own. This is a surefire way to add fuel to the fire. Try not to blame your partner and think about the current situation, rather than going over other problems in your relationship. It is important to resolve precisely the pressing issue.
   • If the conversation drifts away, gently return to the main topic. Say, "Let's talk to the point."
3. 3 Practice listening actively. Don't interrupt your partner during a conversation. Listen to the end and only then share your opinion. This approach allows you to express your thoughts and at the same time confirm the importance of your partner's words.
   • Ask, "Are you asking me to pay more attention to your feelings and not jump to conclusions?"
4. 4 Admit your mistakes. Don't be afraid to admit that you made a mistake. Reflect on your assumptions or misunderstandings. Take responsibility for your words and actions. You don't need to take the blame for everything in the world, just for your own misdeeds. Apologize to your partner sincerely.
5. 5 Learn to forgive. Stop holding a grudge. Don't give up forgiveness in order to punish your partner. Forgiveness is a path to freedom and a way to get negative feelings out of your mind about your partner.
   • It is not so important whether the person utters the words “I forgive you” or not. Forgiveness is more likely to bring personal freedom and release your partner from blame. This does not mean that you take full responsibility or even admit the situation is acceptable. This shows that you are ready to let go of the hurt.
6. 6 Take responsibility. Begin to be responsible for the changes you want. Direct the aspiration inward and ask yourself why you want to change your attitude towards anger and what you are doing for this purpose. Think about why you want to control your anger and how it will affect you, your partner, and your relationship. You can even write down your goals on a piece of paper and post them in a prominent place.
   • You can choose a person to whom you will report on your progress or with whom you can openly discuss the desired changes. Tell him when and why you are angry, and how you deal with anger.
7. 7 See a specialist. If your anger is negatively affecting your relationship and you hurt loved ones, regret what you say or do, or get out of control, then seek professional help. See a therapist or join a relaxation class to join forces with people who want to manage their anger. It is important to discern when anger becomes destructive in order to see a doctor for yourself and the relationship.
   • Review the guidelines for choosing a psychotherapist.