Content

• To step
• Tips
• Warnings

Do you think (or do you know) that a supposedly monogamous partner has cheated on you? You're not the only one. Between 25-50% of all partners will ever or ever cheat.

It's not a plaster on the wound to know other people who have been through the same thing. Take a look at these steps and use them to overcome your trauma. This can be a particularly painful experience and emotions will run high, so use this checklist to help yourself through it.

To step

1. First and foremost - take a deep breath and don't rush things. Think! This is especially important in the case of a long-term relationship. Responding abruptly can have consequences that you may regret. Before taking any action, give yourself some mental space.
2. Talk to someone. You are not alone. The statistics are debatable and vary considerably, but cheating surveys show that 25-50% of all married people have ever cheated or will do so.
3. Don't blame yourself. It's easy for people to look at themselves and find reasons why their partner cheated on them ... but nothing good ever came of it. Problems that lead to cheating usually affect both partners, but that's certainly not always the case. In the future, however, it may come in handy to do some introspection and look for a reason why your partner has sought affection elsewhere. There may be gray areas in your behavior that have led to these types of actions. You should not forget that most people prefer a monogamous life because it offers so much happiness & security. However, there are also people who do not agree with this.
4. Determine if you have really been cheated on. Ask yourself the following questions: Were you officially a couple when the "cheating" took place? Were you officially monogamous? If not, you can't be sure your partner knew he was going to hurt you. In that case, it might be better to adopt a less confrontational attitude.
5. Talk to your partner. Make your doubts and fears clear. It may turn out that nothing at all has happened. Or maybe something happened but some form of coercion was involved (for example, sexual harassment at work should be discussed immediately and openly to avoid possible repetition in the future). There may be narcotics or a psychological problem that needs to be addressed (sex addiction is no fabrication). If help is appropriate, you can support your partner in seeking it - this could be therapeutic for both of you. However, narcotics are not a valid "excuse" for inappropriate behavior, so the argument "yes, but I was drunk, so it doesn't matter" should never just be accepted - be very firm about that.
6. Ask yourself if you will ever be able to view your partner in the same way again. Infidelity doesn't mean much to some people. Some people have more than one physical relationship and to them this may not indicate a deficiency in the relationship with their steady partner, but this is rare. Infidelity often indicates boredom and dissatisfaction with the current relationship. Dealing with a partner who doesn't want you anyway, or a partner who doesn't mind hurting you is ridiculous. If so, dump him or her.
7. If you decide this is irreversible, don't break up with your partner to take him or her back later. This will only add to the emotional stress. If you break up, break it up permanently. However, a temporary break can also be a valid option. If you decide to take some kind of break, wait a while to talk to your ex again after you break up. First, give yourself some time to cool down. If children or financial matters are involved, this may not be possible. In that case you have to draw up specific rules (timetables, meeting places, etc.). This can be difficult, but it is necessary.
8. If you are married and are sure that there is more to your partner than just a friendly relationship, you may want to consider hiring a lawyer or private investigator in good standing who specializes in such matters. Check their credentials.
9. If you hire an investigator, know that you shouldn't confront or accuse your partner. Have the researcher do his or her work first.If you confront your partner, they can proceed in a more careful way, which may make the investigation more expensive).
10. Get tested for STDs as soon as possible. Ignorance will cause extreme stress. It is crucial to get treated as early as possible.
11. If possible you should try to provide proof (order forms, e-mails, photos, etc.) from adultery. Keep this information with a friend or relative at home. As a result, the researcher will have to do less work later, which will save you money.
12. Don't start gossiping. If you share your suspicions with more than one close friend, you are likely to spark gossip that can have very negative consequences in many areas. If an investigation is underway, know that gossip can thwart its course.
13. Also take a look at your personal actions. If you also cheat, it might be time to have an open conversation with your partner and talk things out. Maybe couples therapy can help. If you choose to get a divorce, remember that this can get really ugly very quickly and your mistakes will be brought back to the surface as well.
14. Turning things around is "not" fair. Don't start a new relationship just because your partner did. This is nothing but revenge and nothing good will come from it.

Tips

• Get out of the relationship if you have been hurt too deeply.
• It is important to be honest with yourself. If you don't end the relationship, will you still be able to live with the thought that it might happen again?
• If you want to move forward, it is always better to forgive and leave things behind than to carry on with the past.
• Do you want to invest more energy in an attempt to "straighten out" the relationship?
• Get Therapy! It's not exactly a bad idea to do this, even if everything in your life is running smoothly. But when you are hurt it will certainly help to be able to talk about it with an expert.

Warnings

• Do not retaliate by cheating on your own; if you are tempted by this thought, it is probably better to end the relationship anyway.