Content

• To step
• Part 1 of 6: Mourn the relationship
• Part 2 of 6: Getting through the time
• Part 3 of 6: Rethinking your relationship
• Part 4 of 6: Dealing with others
• Part 5 of 6: Express yourself
• Part 6 of 6: Moving on with your life

Love is one of the most beautiful, most rewarding and most satisfying human experiences. Whether it's the love of family, friends, a child or your partner, it's a shared human adventure. When love goes well you feel fantastic, but when you have to let go of that loved one, you can be devastated with grief. You will have to mourn whether you have to let go of someone because he / she has passed away or because a relationship is over. You must mourn what you have lost and accept that time heals all wounds. Acknowledge your emotional boundaries, but don't shut yourself off when you're trying to let go of someone and then overcome the loss.

To step

Part 1 of 6: Mourn the relationship

1. Understand the five stages of grief. These stages may be better described as cycles. You can skip stages, never experience certain stages, or get stuck in a stage. But you can also experience all stages over and over again in waves. The stages are:
   • Denial and Closure: At this stage, you are denying the reality of the situation. It is a natural response to overwhelming grief pain.
   • Anger: This stage sets in when the denied pain comes to the surface. You can direct the anger at inanimate objects, strangers, family or friends. You may feel angry with the person who died or left, and you may also feel guilty for being so angry.
   • Taking the fight: At this stage, you may feel like you want to regain control, instead of feeling helpless. You think about how you can become a better person, or how you might have been able to help better, and so on.
   • Depression: This stage brings grief and regret once you realize that your loved one is really gone. You may feel overwhelming sadness, cry, and so on.
   • Acceptance: This stage can be described as reaching a calm state of surrender. Some people will never reach this stage of grief.
2. Recognize that you are grieving. The relationship has actually died. That is why it can feel exactly like a loved one is dead in a divorce. You can be sad about the loss. Let yourself be carried away on the waves of mourning, without submerging. Don't fight it. Acknowledge it for what it is: waves of emotions that carry you through strange currents, while allowing your heart to heal. Grief is part of the healing process.
   • Even if no one in your life knows what you are going through, you can still acknowledge your own pain. If you are sad, take a moment to say, "I am sad, and that's okay. It will get better ".
   EXPERT TIP

   Share your grief with others. Even if people around you don't fully understand how you feel, don't be afraid to share your grief with people you trust.

3. Get professional help if needed. If you are concerned that your way of grieving is not healthy or that you are depressed, you may need to seek professional help. A therapist can help you better understand your grief and assess whether you are depressed.
   • Learn how to overcome depression to better understand what it is like to be depressed.
   • It can be good to talk to a therapist even if you are not depressed. A therapist can help you process the grief.

Part 2 of 6: Getting through the time

1. Promise yourself not to rush. The old adage "time heals all wounds" is really true. But healing is better if you deal with your emotions in a realistic way and if you give yourself time to recover. We may want a quick fix, but in the end, there is no quick fix if we've truly loved someone. Accept that it takes time to heal and don't rush it. EXPERT TIP

   Live from day to day. Try to pass the time by dividing it into small bites. You can put your long-term goals in the fridge for a while. This is truly a time to live from day to day.

2. Celebrate small wins. You may still feel the pain, but you notice that it is getting less and less. See that healing is getting closer step by step. It means that better times will come.
3. Think positive things. Find a balance in what's healthiest for you, so allow yourself sad moments, while also being happy every once in a while. If you are inundated with negative emotions, give yourself a moment (maybe literally a minute) to feel what you are feeling. Then choose to focus your thoughts on something positive.
   • For the record, it's okay to laugh when you're in mourning. You just need to recalibrate your emotions. Believe it or not, but your emotions are doing exactly what they are supposed to do. That said, the recalibration process can sometimes go awry, and you end up in depression again, which can be a serious problem.

Part 3 of 6: Rethinking your relationship

1. Evaluate your love with an honest look. Once you've gotten over the initial grief, it's a good time to take an honest look at the relationship. Start by seeing what was there. If you lost someone because they passed away and want to move on with your life, you may find that you have idealized the relationship and overlooked the bad times. You are not doing injustice to your loved one by bringing back those less than perfect moments. You remember the real, true person.If there was real love between you, those lesser moments and how you dealt with differences made that love so special.
   • Do not put your loved one on a pedestal, even if he / she has passed away. If you put him / her that high, you won't be able to hold him / her close to your heart and move on, and that's probably not the way he / she wanted it.
   • If you are divorced, it comes down to the same thing. The relationship was not perfect. If it had, you wouldn't have split up. Even if the other broke up, it shows that the relationship had weaknesses, and that doesn't matter.
2. Be honest about the highs and lows. Your relationship will undoubtedly have had its depths and heights. If you weren't the one who called it quits, you might be idealizing it. It's okay to think about the good times. But be realistic. There were also less pleasant sides.
   • Appreciate the positive aspects of the relationship and how the other person contributed to who you are today.
3. Know which parts may have been bad for you. It's important to know which characteristics of the relationship brought out the worst in you. That doesn't mean the other was bad. But it can make you realize that there were also unhealthy elements when you were together.
   • Once you recognize these unhealthy elements, you can appreciate the change more so you can get back to health. This gives you the opportunity to make sure you don't make the same mistakes again in a new relationship. It also changes your perspective a bit on what you have lost. It can help to give it a place so that you can move on.
4. Don't dwell on the bad stuff. It is important to be honest about the relationship and the other, to reconcile with your emotions and to let go and move on. But it is important not to completely crush the other person, even if he / she has been unkind. Lying in the past for too long isn't good for you.
   • If you say negative things about the other person, or linger in certain worse moments, you can actually strengthen the emotional connection with the other, making it more difficult to let them go. Your love can even turn into hate. That does not cause the other to leave your heart. It just stops you from liking him / her. You have to become completely free to continue, so be careful not to hold him / her in your heart in a negative way.

Part 4 of 6: Dealing with others

1. Reconnect with the people who have supported you the most. It is normal for you to isolate yourself for a short time. But it's essential that you don't shut yourself off from the people who support you the most for too long. They love you and need to know how you are doing. Sometimes they know you better than you know yourself. They can get you back on track.
   • These are the people who know when to shut up when they are with you and when to give you a push to get back to having fun in life. They know how to make you laugh and when to offer a shoulder to cry on. You don't have to reach out to everyone, but you have to trust the people closest to you.
   • These people can also help you see when your grief is turning into depression and tell you if you need professional support.
2. Set boundaries within conversations. Your friends and family may be able to talk about the other person without realizing how hard it is for you. It is best to let your friends know that you prefer to talk about a different topic. Just be honest and tell them you need more time. Be specific about what hurts and what you don't want to talk about just yet.
3. Set limits for interactions. It is important to know your pain threshold and to protect yourself. You may have agreed to stay friends with your ex, but the phone calls as "friends" are too painful. Be honest about how you feel. You may have to distance yourself completely until you are on top of it.
4. Accept invitations to meet up with acquaintances. You will probably have colleagues, classmates or friends and family who are just outside the category of "greatest support". Maybe you don't want to vent on that, but you still want them to play a role in your life. It's okay to decline the invitation to lunch with a coworker at first, but after a while you should let these people return to the lighthearted, friendly, distracting role they used to play.
   • You can demarcate these contacts with the natural boundaries that you have already established. You avoid too deep personal contact and keep things light and on the surface. They really don't expect you to put all your emotions on the table in your 30-minute lunch break.
5. Get to know new people. This is not about replacing what you have lost. It's about moving on. If you notice that you are less and less concerned with grieving, you are also less concerned with the person you have to let go of. Now you can open up to other people. New people are exciting.
   • Under no circumstances do you have to go on dates to get over your loss. Maybe you get all stressed just thinking about it. So try to handle this in a pleasant way. Rather than throwing yourself into the singles market right away, try making new friends. Friendships can lead to wonderful things. Some friends are more like a family. Sometimes a friendship turns into a love affair. Sometimes friends just stay friends. You can never have enough real friends.

Part 5 of 6: Express yourself

1. Talk about your emotions. Emotions can be overwhelming and they can even make you completely silent. It's time to find your inner voice. Talk to a family member, friend, or counselor about it.
   • There are times when something is so personal that you would rather not talk about it with someone you know. You can make an appointment with a counselor or a clergyman. Feelings can be so confusing that it's hard to put into words. An objective third party can help you by asking the right questions and unraveling your emotions without giving an opinion of your own.
   • It's important to be able to talk about it so that you don't get stuck in your own head, without someone being able to validate or correct your thoughts.
2. Write a letter to the other. Write a letter to your loved one. Then put the letter away so that it is your own choice to let him / her go. Some people find it beneficial to burn the letter to indicate a definitive end. Or maybe you want to do something to show that the other person is in your heart forever. That may be more appropriate if your loved one has passed away.
   • You can tie the letter to a helium balloon and release it.
   • You can also make a wish balloon, with words of love on it that you send into the sky as if you were sending it to your loved one.
3. Write about your feelings in a journal. You can also choose a diary to express your feelings. Make room for the emotions you are now feeling, but also the feelings you hope to regain. Making a diary allows you to be completely honest because it is only for yourself.
   • This helps you to discover patterns in your thinking, doing and behavior.
4. Change something for yourself. Changing even one tiny thing in your life can make you feel completely refreshed, reminding yourself that life is still fun. Change your furniture, go to the hairdresser, drive to work in a different way or eat your dessert first. Whatever it is, choose something you like. It can temporarily improve your mood, but that's all it takes to remember that you can still laugh and enjoy life.

Part 6 of 6: Moving on with your life

1. Live your own life. You have mourned and you have taken time to think honestly about the relationship. You have learned to respect and stretch your emotional boundaries. You have allowed people into your life again and you have found your own voice. Now is the time to move on. Honor the life of your loved one by living yours. His / her love influenced you by how he / she lived, not how he / she died. Continue his / her legacy of love and life by accepting the path of love and life that lies before you.
   • Often people lose the best qualities they shared with the one they lost because of too much grief. Instead, you can try to continue his / her love by giving him / her a happy place in your memory. Learn to smile again when you think about your loved one. He / she can still give you a lot of joy through those memories. Laughter helps to heal.
2. Assess if you can still relapse. While you should take enough time to get over a broken relationship, at some point you will be ready to let another into your life. But don't bring old baggage into the new relationship, be it friendly or romantic in nature. Consider whether you are over the other by now. If you still think about him / her a few times a day, you may be entering a "comforting relationship." Even a "comfort friendship" can be a problem because you are trying to fill a hole in your emotional needs, attracting someone to fill that hole. It may be the case that the other person does not really suit you very well. He / she may not even have anything else to offer you.
3. Determine how often you still think about the other person. Can you go to places where you used to come with your loved one without immediately thinking about him / her? If the whole world is still screaming his / her name, you probably need even more time.
4. Connect memories to new experiences. Until you're ready, it's okay to avoid places that remind you very much of the other person. But remember, the pain is multi-layered. While dodging isn't a bad thing at first, eventually you need to start challenging yourself to heal completely. Consider visiting old places with a good friend. Then you can start making new memories and associations. Start in a place where you feel comfortable, and gradually create new stories and memories. These places can still be special.
   • Do you still think about him / her when that one song is played on the radio? If so, it may be too early to proceed. You must recapture this memory by linking it to new experiences. Try listening to the song with a friend and ask them to help you redefine it. Make it funny. Remember that laughter helps you heal.
   • If you love the view from a particular restaurant, meet up with some close friends there. Laugh, have fun and give that place a nice meaning again. Peel the shells off piece by piece and give them a new, positive meaning.
5. Pay attention to how you react when someone mentions your loved one's name. When someone mentions your former lover's name, do you still feel a stabbing pain? If you have, remember that you wish him / her the best. That may seem strange, but it can help you reprogram your thoughts about him / her.
6. When you see your ex-lover, rate your emotional response. If you bump into him / her with a new lover, how strong is your emotional response? Is it painful to see him / her happy? Can you be happy for him / her already? Have you released him / her yet?
   • It may hurt a bit, and like a physical wound, you will eventually heal so that you can return to normal functioning and get on with your life. Make sure it doesn't hurt more than a little bit before continuing.