Content

• To step
• Part 1 of 3: Prepare your apology
• Part 2 of 3: The right time and place
• Part 3 of 3: Apologizing
• Tips

An apology is an expression of remorse for something you did wrong, and it serves to mend the relationship after that mistake. If the person who has been hurt also wants to mend the relationship, he will forgive the other. A good apology declares three things: regret, responsibility, and recovery. Apologizing for a mistake may seem difficult, but it can help repair and improve relationships with others.

To step

Part 1 of 3: Prepare your apology

1. Give up the idea of ​​wanting to be right. Continuing to argue about the details of an experience that involves more than one person is usually frustrating, as an experience is highly subjective. How we experience and interpret situations is different for everyone, and two people can experience the same situation very differently. An apology must acknowledge the genuineness of the other person's feelings, whether you think the other person is "right" or not.
   • Imagine going to the movies without your partner. Your partner felt left out and hurt. Rather than argue about whether he / she is right to feel that way, acknowledge that he / she felt hurt when you apologize.
2. Use "me messages". One of the most common mistakes when making an apology is using "you" instead of "me". If you apologize, you must take responsibility for your actions. Do not pass the responsibility on to the other. Focus on what you did wrong, and don't make it sound like you're blaming the other person.
   • A very common, but ineffective way to apologize is to say, for example, "I'm sorry you felt hurt" or "I'm sorry you got so upset". An apology should not be a regret for the other person's feelings. It should show that you feel responsible. These kinds of messages don't - they pass the responsibility on to the person who is hurt.
   • Rather, stick with "I'm sorry I hurt you" or "I'm sorry I got you so upset". Show that you are responsible for the pain you caused someone and don't pretend to blame them.
3. Don't try to justify your actions. It is a natural reaction to justify your actions when you try to explain it to the other person. But by making excuses, the apology becomes less valuable, because the other person can then regard it as being insincere.
   • Justification can include claiming that the other person has misunderstood you. It could also mean denying hurting someone, like, "It wasn't that bad," or a pathetic story like, "I used to be bullied, so there's nothing I can do about it."
4. Be careful with excuses. An apology can express that you didn't hurt the other person on purpose or willfully. This can make it clear to them that you care about them and don't want to harm them. However, be careful that giving reasons for your behavior does not degenerate into justification.
   • Examples of excuses include denying your intention, such as "I didn't mean to hurt you" or "It was an accident". Apologies can also be a denial of your free will, such as "I was drunk and didn't know what I said". Be careful with these types of messages and always make sure you do first acknowledge the other person's feelings before giving reasons for your behavior.
   • The other person is more likely to forgive you if you apologize than if you try to justify your behavior. He / she is even more likely to forgive you if you apologize, take responsibility, acknowledge that you hurt him / her, know how you should have behaved, and make sure you will do better in the future.
5. Avoid "but ...". An apology that includes the word "but" is rarely taken as a true apology. That's because "but" is seen as a kind of verbal eraser. It shifts the focus from what the apology should be about - taking responsibility and expressing regret - to justifying your own behavior. When people hear the word "but", they usually stop listening. From that point on they only hear "but this was actually Your own debt".
   • For example, don't say, "Sorry, but I was just tired." This emphasizes the justification for the insult, not so much that you regret hurting the other person.
   • Rather say, "Sorry for being catty to you. I know I hurt you. I was tired and I said things that I regret."
6. Consider the other person's needs and personality. Research suggests that how someone sees themselves - or themselves in relation to you and others - affects what kind of apology works best.
   • For example, some people are very independent and highly value rights and entitlement. These people are more likely to accept an apology that offers a specific remedy for the pain.
   • People who value close relationships with others are more likely to accept an apology that expresses empathy and regret.
   • Some people consider social rules and norms very important and see themselves as part of a larger social group. These types of people will be more sensitive to apologies that acknowledge that certain values ​​or rules have been violated.
   • If you don't know the other that well, focus on a little bit of everything. These apologies recognize what's most important to the person you're offering them to.
7. Write down your apologies if you want. If you're having a hard time finding the words for an apology, write down your feelings. This ensures that you express them correctly. Take your time and discuss why you think you should apologize and what you can do to avoid making another mistake.
   • If you're worried about getting too emotional, you can take your note with you. The other person may even appreciate that you took the trouble to prepare the apologies so thoroughly.
   • If you're worried about screwing up, practice with a good friend. You don't have to practice so much that it looks like a play. But it can be helpful to practice and ask your friend for feedback.

Part 2 of 3: The right time and place

1. Find a convenient time. Even if you immediately regret something, the apology may not be effective if you are in the middle of a very emotional situation. For example, if you're still arguing, the apology might fall on deaf ears. It is very difficult to really listen when we are overwhelmed by negative emotions. Wait for both of you to cool before apologizing.
   • If you apologize while your emotions are racing through your body, you may not seem sincere. Wait until you calm down so that you can say what you want to say and so that the apology is meaningful and complete. Just don't wait too long. If you let days or weeks go by, the damage may already be too great.
   • In a professional situation it is better to apologize as soon as possible.This prevents the working atmosphere from being ruined.
2. Do it personally. It's easier to show that you mean it when you apologize in person. Much of our communication happens non-verbally, through things like body language, facial expressions and gestures. Always apologize personally if you can.
   • If apologizing in person isn't an option, use the phone. The tone of your voice can show that you really mean it.
3. Choose a quiet place to make an apology. Apologizing is usually a private matter. Find a quiet place so that you can focus on the other person and have little distraction.
   • Choose a place that feels relaxed, and make sure you have enough time so that you don't have to rush.
4. Make sure you have enough time to have a whole conversation. A hurried apology is rarely effective. This is because an apology has to do several things. You have to admit you were wrong, explain what happened, express your regret, and show that you will do things differently in the future.
   • Pick a time when you are not rushed or stressed. When you think about all the things you need to do, you cannot fully focus on the apology, and the other person will feel distant.

Part 3 of 3: Apologizing

1. Be open and non-threatening. Try to discuss issues openly and in a non-threatening manner so that you can achieve mutual understanding or "integration". This way of speaking has a positive long-term effect on relationships, according to research.
   • For example, if the person you hurt cites a pattern of past behavior that they believe led to your mistake, let them finish. Pause before responding. Think about the other person's statements and try to view the situation from his / her point of view, even if you disagree. Do not fall out, do not yell or insult the other person.
2. Use open, humble body language. The non-verbal communication you convey when you apologize is just as important as what you say, if not more so. Do not hang or dangle, because that can radiate that you actually do not feel like the conversation.
   • Make eye contact while you talk and listen. Try to look into the other person's eyes at least 50% of the time when you are talking, and at least 70% of the time when you are listening.
   • Don't cross your arms. This is a defensive sign and shows that you are closing yourself off from the other.
   • Keep your face relaxed. You don't have to force a smile, but if you feel a sour look or frown, take a moment to relax your facial muscles.
   • Keep your palms open rather than closed when gesturing.
   • If the other person is close to you and it is appropriate, touch them to convey your emotions. A hug or a gentle touch on the hand or arm can show how much the other person means to you.
3. Show that you are sorry. Express your condolences to the other. Acknowledge that you hurt him / her. Acknowledge the other person's feelings as true and real.
   • Research has shown that when apologies are motivated by feelings of guilt or shame, they are more likely to be accepted by the hurt person. However, apologies motivated by pity are less likely to be accepted because they seem less genuine.
   • For example, you can start your apology by saying, "I'm really sorry I hurt you yesterday. I feel really bad that I hurt you."
4. Take responsibility. Be as specific as possible when you take responsibility. A specific apology means more to the other person because it shows that you are aware of the situation that hurt them.
   • Avoid generalizing. If you say something like "I am a terrible person," it is first of all not true, and it is not paying sufficient attention to the situation that caused the pain. Too much generalization makes tackling the problem impossible; it is not so easy to change that you are a "terrible person", but you can pay more attention to other people's needs from now on.
   • Continue the apology by explaining what exactly caused the pain. "I'm sorry I hurt you yesterday. I feel really bad that I hurt you. I shouldn't have been like this because you were a little late’.
5. Let us know how you can improve the situation. An apology is usually only successful if you let it be known how you will go about it in the future, or how you think you can ease the pain.
   • Find the underlying problem, describe it to the other person without blaming anyone else, and tell them what you want to do to fix the problem so that you don't make the mistake again in the future.
   • For example, "I'm sorry I hurt you yesterday. I feel really bad that I hurt you. I shouldn't have lashed out like that because you were a little late. In the future, I will think more carefully before I say anything’.
6. Listen to the other. The other person may also want to express his / her feelings. He / she may still be angry or have more questions for you. Do your best to stay calm and open up.
   • If the other person is still angry with you, they may not respond how you want. If the other person yells at you or insults you, those negative feelings can get in the way of forgiveness. Take a moment out or try to redirect the conversation to a more productive topic.
   • If you want to take time out, you can express your compassion for the other person and give them a choice. Don't pretend to blame the other person. For example, you could say, "I obviously hurt you, and you are very angry now. Shall I leave you alone? I would like to talk to you, but I don't want to upset you any further."
   • To take the negative charge from the conversation, try to behave in a certain way that the other person values ​​you, rather than behaving the way you did. For example, if the other person says "You just don't respect me!", You can respond with "How can I show you from now on that I do respect you?" or "How do you want me to behave in the future?"
7. End with gratitude. Express your appreciation for the other person's role in your life, and emphasize that you don't want to endanger or damage your relationship. Now is the time to briefly summarize what formed your bond and let them know that you love them. Describe what your life would be like without his / her trust and companionship.
8. Have patience. If the apology is not accepted, thank the other person for wanting to listen to you and say that you are always open to talking about it again if he / she wants to. For example, say, "I understand you're still angry, but thanks for talking to me. If you change your mind, give me a call." Sometimes people want to forgive you, but they need to cool down for a while.
   • Remember, it does not mean that when someone accepts your apology, they have forgiven you completely. It can take time, perhaps a lot of time, before the other person can let go completely and trust you completely again. There is nothing you can do to speed up this process, but there are all kinds of ways to sit it out. If the other person is really important to you, then it is worth giving him / her the time to get over it. Don't expect everything to be back to normal right away.
9. Keep your word. A sincere apology also offers a solution, or a promise that you will solve the problem. You have promised that you will work on the resolution, and you must stick to that to make the apology genuine and complete. Otherwise, an apology loses its value and the other person no longer trusts you at all.
   • Ask how it is going now and then. For example, after a few weeks, you might ask, "I know how much I hurt you a few weeks ago, and I'm really trying my best to change. How am I doing now?"

Tips

• Sometimes an apology gets bogged down in ruminating on the fight you wanted to win. Be careful not to get old cows out of the ditch. Remember that an apology doesn't mean saying that what you said was completely wrong or not true - it means that you regret hurting the other person with your words and that you want to mend the relationship.
• Even if you feel that the argument was also the other's fault or that it was due to a misunderstanding, try not to blame the other person when you apologize. If you think that better communication can improve things between you, you can mention that as a possible solution so that the conflict will not arise in the future.
• If you can, take the other person aside so you can apologize in private. Not only will this prevent the decision from being influenced by someone else, but it will also make you feel less nervous. However, if you have publicly insulted the other person, you may want to make your apology public.
• After you apologize, think about yourself and how you could have handled the situation better. Remember, an important part of an apology is making a commitment to be a better person. That way you know that the next time you get into such a situation, you react in a way that you don't hurt anyone.
• If the other person is willing to discuss a solution, take the opportunity. For example, if you've forgotten your husband's birthday, you can promise to celebrate it on another day and make it extra special and romantic. This doesn't mean you can forget about it next time, but it does show that you are willing to put in the effort to change.
• An apology usually leads to another, either from you (because you realize you did even more wrong) or from the other person (because they now see that the problem came from their side as well). Be willing to forgive the other.
• Let the other person cool for a while first. He / she may still be angry, and then he / she may not be able to forgive you.