Content

• To step
• Tips
• Warnings

Every relationship is different, but most couples have a fight from time to time. Partners who have been together for a long time usually find a way to make amends and move on. If you don't want to pretend that the argument never happened and then just wait for the tension to subside, you can learn how to make it right in an open and healthy way.

To step

1. Identify the underlying cause of the argument. There is a saying, "You never argue for the reason you think." It may seem like you are arguing about money, sex, or something else, but there is usually an underlying feeling that has not fully manifested itself, perhaps even something that you have not realized before. Find the underlying cause to help you calm down and make amends with your partner. Common feelings that can underlie arguments include:
   • Inadequacy. Feeling that you are not good enough and not quite believe that your partner like someone you would like - at least, not for any length of time.
   • Fear of abandonment. You fear that your partner will leave you - perhaps literally by being unfaithful, or by becoming emotionally distant. However, being alone for a short while after an argument is good. You and your partner can then relax for a while, so that no hot-headed things are said.
   • The feeling of being taken for granted. You feel undervalued, maybe even used.
2. Indicate in a sentence what is most important to you. Learn how to communicate nonviolently. Tell your partner something like "I get scared talking to other girls" or "I'm mad I don't have the money to pay for this right now." This allows you to get to the heart of the issues at play, and in many cases it helps the other person understand what your feelings are without arguing about them.
3. Take your responsibility. Have you lashed out at your partner? Are you trying to determine the outcome of the argument? Is it easier to get what you want by manipulating the situation, instead of asking directly? We all do such things to some degree. If you can find a way to do your part in the discussion without trying to blame yourself or your partner for it, this can open up a whole new dialogue.
4. Be humble. Sometimes apologizing for something (even though you "didn't start") can disarm your partner and eventually cause him or her to apologize too. Something like "This was not meant to be, and I'm sorry it is now. Can we pause from our disagreement, catch our breath and try again, just this time without getting so angry?" However, never apologize for something you didn't do just so you don't argue anymore. Be sincere.
5. You don't always want to be right. Wanting to win a discussion is the surest way to keep it going. It's a situation where no one wins, and it keeps you from really connecting with your partner. There is an old saying, "Would you rather be right or be happy?"
6. Let your partner learn it his or her own way. You can only control yourself and learn at your own pace. If your partner doesn't see it, don't force the other person to view the matter your way. Each point of contention has something for both of you to learn from, but it is impossible for anyone to do it force to see things from your point of view. Either they do or they don't.
   • If you ask for an apology, but your partner doesn't intend to, consider openly forgiving him or her anyway. This kind of acceptance, provided you don't do it in a condescending way, can show that you accept your partner's imperfections, possibly making him / her less defensive. Example: After clearly expressing how you feel (as previously described), say something like "I know you didn't mean to hurt my feelings by forgetting about our anniversary. It still hurts, but I'm willing to trust you didn't do it on purpose, and I'll try to remind you next time. OK? "
7. Appreciate your partner. The sooner both of you can experience some sort of joy and happiness again, the better. Successful relationships have a five-to-one ratio of appreciation and criticism. Actions that create genuine positive feelings will help fill the emotional bank account of your relationship by noting and expressing many of the things you really love about your partner and yourself, and how you are together. If you still feel depressed about it, start with yourself.
8. Set boundaries. If your argument has been a bad one, it is wise to make an agreement with your partner about the boundaries and conditions of your relationship. For example, "Let's agree not to berate each other." Or, "I'd like us to agree to talk about what's going on without yelling at each other."

Tips

• Forgiveness is not a feeling in the first place. It is a choice that goes beyond feelings; it is an act of willpower.
• Talk quietly and listen to each other, so that it does not degenerate into another fight.
• Keep a cool head while you try to make up for it. Remember, your only motive is to make things better and be happy together again.
• When the other person indicates they want some space and doesn't feel like talking right now, give them that space so that you and your partner have time to cool down and think about it.
• Do not placate the other with sex or otherwise. That will not fix anything and will only lead to more disagreement.
• Always listen to the other. If you don't, it will lead to more disagreement.
• Be open to forgiveness.
• Do your best to look at it from an outsider's perspective and see if you will need to change anything about yourself.
• We don't live forever. Always remind yourself that every second you go through angry will make your life just that much shorter.
• Become the kind of person you expect from your partner. Set a good example yourself.

Warnings

• No one wins if you stop the discussion, but the feeling remains that you are separated from each other.