Content

• To step
• Method 1 of 3: Examining your feelings about sex
• Method 2 of 3: Distinguish different types of attraction
• Method 3 of 3: Identifying yourself as asexual
• Tips
• Warnings

It is good and healthy to ask yourself questions about your sexuality. Sometimes it takes a while to find out what your sexual identity is. If you are not attracted to others and are not interested in sex at all, you may be asexual. This is also a normal sexual orientation. Incidentally, asexuality does not have to mean that you do not have sexual feelings. Remember that every asexual is different. Yet there are a number of similarities in which you could recognize yourself.

To step

Method 1 of 3: Examining your feelings about sex

1. Report it if you don't think much about sex. Think about how often and for how long you think about sex. As an asexual, sometimes you don't think about sex for days, weeks, or even years because it just doesn't interest you.
   • You may not even remember the last time you thought about sex. Or maybe you sometimes think about sex when other people are talking about it, but you quickly lose interest again.
2. Pay attention to how you feel when other people make sexual comments. It's very normal for people to talk about sex on television or maybe you have friends who talk about sex a lot. Think about how you feel when these topics come up. As an asexual you can experience the following:
   • You get bored when people talk about their crush, their sexual experiences or their sexual desires.
   • You think about other things when people talk about sex.
   • You don't understand what makes someone "sexy".
   • You pretend that sex interests you to belong.
3. Think about how you respond to suggestive erotic or pornographic material. Think of erotic photos, sex scenes in film and pornography. Find out if you have little or no desire to view this material. If this doesn't turn you on and you're wondering what other people think about it, you might be asexual.
   • For example, you don't understand why people like pornography because you find it boring or repugnant instead of arousing.
   • For example, you feel bored or uncomfortable during sex scenes in a movie.
   • You may not be excited to see someone in revealing clothes.
4. Consider if you have ever had exciting sexual experiences. You can also be asexual with sexual experience. In this case, consider how you felt during the event and why you did it. You may be asexual if:
   • You may have felt it was expected or you thought it would be fun if you tried it.
   • You never wanted to initiate sex.
   • During sex you found out that you didn't like it.
   • Sex may have felt weird and ridiculous, instead of nice.
   • You had the feeling that you were working automatically or routinely.
   • You like almost anything more than sex.
5. Find out if you'd rather masturbate than have sex with someone else. You can be asexual but still enjoy masturbation. You may be sexually aroused, but not attracted to other people. This is also normal. If you do enjoy masturbation, you may prefer to be responsible for satisfying your own sexual needs.

   Tip: Self-gratification can be confusing with asexuality. As an asexual, you may or may not find it exciting and satisfying. Both occur in asexuality.

   
   
6. Speak to your doctor if there is a medical problem that is preventing you from enjoying sex. Asexuality is normal and completely acceptable. Yet it can happen that physical or mental factors play a role that prevent you from enjoying sex. Make an appointment with your doctor to rule out an underlying problem. If there are problems, you can discuss with your doctor whether and how you want to have these problems treated. For example, one of the following could play:
   • A morphodysphoric disorder is a disorder that causes a distorted body experience. It makes people think and feel very negative about their bodies. In principle, everyone is susceptible to this disorder, but it is relatively common in transgender people. People with this disorder are not comfortable with their bodies enough to even imagine having sex with someone.
   • Various physical or hormonal problems can play a role. You are not obliged to have it treated, but you have a choice. Talk to your doctor and decide for yourself what you want to do.
   • Complex post-traumatic disorder (PTSD) can cause you to be unconsciously too anxious to open up to an intimate relationship. You don't need sexual contact, but with the right therapy, these feelings can come back.

Method 2 of 3: Distinguish different types of attraction

1. Realize that there is a difference between romantic identity and sexual identity. As an asexual, you can still have romantic feelings and be attracted to someone that way. For example, you may enjoy cuddling, dating, and even kissing someone. In fact, you can develop a very deep, meaningful partner relationship this way.
   • You may not have any romantic feelings at all. This means that your relationships consist of common friendships and family ties.
   • It is common for asexual people to be "pan-romantic". This means that they can fall in love with anyone, male or female. You can nurture - and share - deep romantic feelings with both men and women.
2. Remember there is a difference between aesthetic, sensual and sexual attraction. These different types of attraction can be confusing. Aesthetic appeal is created when you like someone but you are not sexually interested. Sensual attraction means that you want to be close to someone. You want to cuddle, hold someone's hand and maybe kiss. Sexual attraction is when you want to have sex with someone. Realize that you can be asexual, while still experiencing aesthetic and sensual attraction with the right person.
   • When you feel attracted to someone aesthetically, you admire a beautiful face or a beautiful voice, for example. However, you don't feel the need to get intimate with him or her.
   • When there is sensual attraction, you find someone attractive and enjoy being around them. For example, you want to cuddle and hold each other's hands.
   • In sexual attraction, you long for intimate physical contact with this person.

   Tip: It is normal for people of any sexual orientation to feel sexually attracted to someone, but nothing else to do with these feelings. This is not enough to make you think you are asexual.

   
   
3. Look for signs that you may be gray-sexual or semi-or demi-sexual. These are both somewhere on the spectrum of asexuality. As a gray-sexual, you occasionally feel sexual attraction. A demi- or semi-sexual often develops sexual feelings only after he or she has built a deep emotional bond with the potential sex partner. If you are not sure if you are asexual, this could also be one of the options for describing your sexual orientation.
   • Evaluate events that you felt sexual arousal for something or someone. This can indicate gray sexuality.
   • Consider whether in the past you only felt sexual attraction to someone you had a close emotional connection with. For example, you may feel sexually attracted to your partner while no one else turns you on. This indicates demi- or half-sexuality.

Method 3 of 3: Identifying yourself as asexual

1. Accept that an asexual orientation is completely normal. Just because many people don't understand asexuality doesn't mean it isn't a normal sexual identity. It's part of who you are. Don't try to change yourself, but realize that your asexuality makes you a unique person. Being confident is something you can work on.
   • There is nothing wrong with not being interested in sex.
   • It doesn't matter if you don't know exactly who you are and what your sexual identity is. Take the time to discover more about yourself.
   • You are under no obligation to fit in other people's boxes or to fulfill the desires of others. You don't have to have sex to prove something to your partner or to make him or her happy.
2. Realize that every asexual is unique. You may recognize yourself in some aspects of asexuality, but not others, while still seeing yourself as asexual. Asexuality is a spectrum, so the feelings are different. A few examples are:
   • You may find sex disgusting, annoying, or even somewhat enjoyable.
   • Maybe you never want to have sex, or maybe you do it because your partner enjoys it and it gives you pleasure.
   • You never feel sexually aroused at all, or maybe you do occasionally.
   • Maybe you enjoy masturbation, maybe you just use it as an outlet, or maybe you don't like masturbation at all.
3. Join a peer support group to better understand your sexual identity. Fellow sufferers help you to understand yourself better. Support group conversations can also help you come out to family, friends, co-workers, and romantic partners. Search online to see if you can find a suitable group.
   • For example, join the "Asexuality Visibility & Education Network" (AVEN).
   EXPERT TIP

   AVEN is an international organization with a lot of information about asexuality.

   
   

   Take as much time as you need to establish your sexual identity. There are those who know instinctively, but it is more common to require a long period of research. Don't be pressured to pigeonhole yourself. You don't owe anyone an account or explanation about your sexual identity.

   • Feel free to experiment with sexuality if you feel you want to try different things to discover your sexual identity. However, never let yourself or others pressure you to do something against your will.

Tips

• Be proud of your sexual orientation.
• Decide for yourself if and when you want to come out to family or friends. Don't do it until you're ready.
• You may be curious about sex from time to time. This is normal. Feel free to experiment a bit, as long as you don't go beyond your limits.
• There are several options for having children, if you wish. You could have sex specifically for this, practice artificial insemination, or become a foster or adoptive parent. To be asexual does not necessarily mean to be childless.

Warnings

• Report to the police immediately if someone threatens or assaults you because of your sexual orientation. This is punishable.
• There will always be people who cannot understand or accept your orientation. You don't have to constantly defend yourself against their comments and comments. You are under no obligation to change for them, nor are you obliged to explain or account for them.
• Be aware of prejudice when coming out at work. In some cases, this can lead to bullying behavior because people cannot or do not want to understand. If this happens to you, go to the confidential counselor for human resources.