Content

• To step
• Part 1 of 4: Facts you should know
• Part 2 of 4: Responding to social cues
• Part 3 of 4: Avoiding common pitfalls
• Part 4 of 4: Have a respectful conversation
• Warnings

There are tons of reasons why you might want to know if your boyfriend is gay, but there are some important things you should know about this situation before moving on. A person's sexuality is extremely complex and extremely personal. Be aware that trying to figure out that sexuality could cause you more problems than solutions.

To step

Part 1 of 4: Facts you should know

• Know that there are no definite physical signs that prove someone is gay. There are no outward appearances that are 100% guaranteed to indicate that someone is homosexual. No physical features, no behaviors: nothing. The only way you can really be sure is if someone tells you. Some behaviors and physical characteristics may be slightly more common in gay people than others, but those characteristics should not color your image of someone.
• Sometimes people have good reasons to stay in the closet. You might really want to find out if your boyfriend is gay, but he could have good reason to stay in the closet. By "outlining" him, even if only to yourself, you may be putting him in danger. Maybe his family is very homophobic. By determining that he is gay, you could inadvertently outdo him by treating him differently or implying something unconsciously.
• Being interested in men does not preclude him from being interested in women as well. If you're trying to figure out if your boyfriend is gay because you want to date him (as a woman), it's important to remember that his interest in men doesn't mean he doesn't like women. It is therefore better to ask him yourself or just see how things develop between you than it is to decide for yourself.
• Even if he's gay, that shouldn't influence your opinion of him. It's important to remember that whether he's gay or not doesn't matter. This piece of information should not affect how you feel about him or how you interact with him. Since it doesn't matter, it isn't important for you to know either. By making an early judgment you only create problems.
• Someone's sexuality is none of your business. Most importantly, you know that his sexuality is basically none of your business, it's his business; not yours. Just as you don't sit in front of someone and watch them kiss (or even do something even more intimate), you don't interfere with that part of their life. All you can do is ask him about it and let him decide if he wants to tell you.

Part 2 of 4: Responding to social cues

1. Watch how he talks about men. Listen to your friend when he talks about men and notice what he has to say about them. Does he regularly refer to other men as attractive? Does he love his favorite male characters on TV or the latest celebrity gossip? Doesn't he get his words out when the hottest kid at school or office is near him? Things like this could indicate that he views men with something more than simple admiration.
   • For example, if he says something like, “Oh man, I chilled with Peter all weekend. He was so friendly and it felt so natural to be with him. ”
2. Think about how he talks about women. You can also pay attention to language that indicates a lack of interest in women, or the absence of language that would normally indicate interest in women. This too could indicate that he is gay. Generally, guys get a little shy and don't get their words out when there are women around who like them. If you don't notice that sort of thing with him, it could be that he's gay.
   • For example, does he behave uncomfortably or does he seem very reluctant when you offer him a date for him?
3. Watch for secretive, embarrassing, or embarrassed behavior. When someone is in the closet, they often have to hide a lot about themselves. Maybe your friend has already come out, but you just don't know about it yet - maybe he has a completely different life to hide. Look for signs that he is hiding something, or that he is ashamed or embarrassed about something — this could also be an indication.
   • For example, if you invite him to do something on the same weekend as Gay Pride and he says he is too busy, it could indicate that he is gay.
4. Watch for physical clues. One of the theories as to why some people are born homosexual has to do with the hormones they were exposed to before birth. This exposure to hormones could manifest in real physical ways, and could be a vague indication that someone is gay. Notice a feminine gait, feminine body shape, or finger length. These could be signs that he has been exposed to more estrogen in the womb than usual, and this could have an effect on brain development. However, it is extremely important to remember that this is not 100% conclusive. There are many other factors that can contribute to changes in the body, so don't take this as conclusive evidence.
   • In women, the index and ring fingers are the same length, while in men the ring finger is longer. In gay men, the chance that the ring and index finger are the same length is slightly higher. However, there are also factors (as many older brothers have) that make this indicator completely irrelevant.
5. Think of alternative options. You can also think about the other possibilities that all these different signs could point to. For example, it could be that your boyfriend isn't gay, but he falls somewhere else on the Kinsey scale of unicorns and awesomeness. For example, he would:
   • Be bisexual (and be interested in both men and women).
   • Being able to be asexual (and not naturally having sexual desire).
   • Also, just not being able to be interested in you (if you're wondering why he didn't make advances).

Part 3 of 4: Avoiding common pitfalls

1. Don't judge based on a feminine voice or way of speaking. While some people in gay culture have a certain voice or a certain way of speaking, it is not good to make your judgment based on the similar or “effeminate” way your friend talks. Some guys just talk in a soft voice or speak slightly feminine by nature.
   • For example, he could just be shy or have grown up with someone who talked that way.
2. Don't judge based on the things he likes to do. What a boy enjoys is also not a good indicator of his possible homosexuality. Everyone can enjoy different kinds of things; just as some women enjoy football, boys can also enjoy things that are usually more associated with women or the gay community.
   • Examples of things he might like but don't necessarily mean he's gay include figure skating, dancing, and theater.
3. Don't judge based on the media he likes. You cannot make your judgment based on the movies he watches or the music he listens. They can't tell you whether he's straight or gayer than Gerard Joling and Gordon together. You will have to look for clues other than his mp3 collection.
   • Examples of media he might like but don't necessarily mean he's gay include Lady Gaga, musicals, and chick flicks.
4. Don't judge by how he looks, how he dresses, or how he grooms. There is still the stereotype that if a man dresses well or spends a lot of time on his hair, he is gay. Nowadays, however, it is increasingly common for boys to pay more attention to how they look, which means that personal care is not a good indicator.
   • Likewise, you shouldn't assume he's absolutely straight if he's a super macho who doesn't even know how a comb works.
5. Don't judge based on the people he hangs out with. Sometimes you might assume that someone is gay because they only hang out with girls, or that their best friend seems gay too. However, these are not fair indicators. People look for different things in friendships, and he probably just feels better around the friends he has.

Part 4 of 4: Have a respectful conversation

1. Allow some time for the two of you. Try to set aside some quality time so that the two of you can talk to each other. This is a very personal matter and you don't want to force him into an awkward position when other people are around. Try to gradually give the conversation an increasingly serious turn by discussing other deep matters first. It's important to put him at ease and set a tone where you can share deep, personal feelings with each other.
   • For example, you can talk about your family problems, about politics or about concerns for the future.
2. Show him that you wouldn't have a problem with him being gay. Subtly bring up topics that show that you are okay with your friends being gay and that he does not need to hide his true nature from you. For example, you can talk about another friend who is gay, or even come out hypothetically if you don't know any gay men yourself.
   • For example, you could say something like, “I really admire people like Neil Patrick Harris (Barney in How I Met Your Mother). He shows all those conservative people that gay people are much more than just those nasty stereotypes, and he does a great job. Also you can really see that he is very happy now. I wish everyone could be as proud of their sexuality as he is. ”
3. Talk about other friends who came out. You can also talk about the experience other people have had coming out. Show him that you fear those same negative effects could plague him too. This will show him that you are willing to act as a support system if he needs it.
   • Say something like, “Before Linda came out, I was so worried about her. She seemed really unhappy… as if she wasn't happy with herself at all. And when she came out, everyone was so mean to her, I don't wish that on anyone. I really hope that no one has to experience that. ”
4. Let him tell you. Now that you've set a precedent, showing him that you have no problem with homosexuality, and showing that you are willing to listen to him, you should give him the time and opportunity to tell you. Maybe he won't tell you right away, and maybe he won't for the next few weeks. But if he's gay, he'll probably tell you if he's comfortable with it and he feels he can really trust you.
   • If you want him to tell you, it's important to create an atmosphere of trust and understanding. Don't spread gossip or rumors about people, because revealing secrets can make him think you'll reveal his secret too.
5. Just ask him. If he doesn't say anything at all or you prefer not to make assumptions based on his behavior, you can just ask him about it. You are free to ask and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. In fact, this is the best way to find out if someone is gay. Moreover, it is a lot better than making assumptions. It may feel a little uncomfortable, but if he really trusts you, chances are he will tell you the truth.
   • Say something like, “You know I'll be your friend through and through no matter what happens. But I really have to ask because I don't want to make assumptions or draw the wrong conclusions: are you gay? ”
   • Do the “bend and snap” (check out YouTube). Legally Blonde can solve a lot of things if you apply it correctly.

Warnings

• Don't ask him flatly "Are you gay?" That can seem rather inconsiderate.
• If he says "yes," don't judge him for that - never.
• When you get to know him, don't get to know him just because you want to find out if he's gay. Only get to know him if you really care about him and want to be his friend.
• If he doesn't want to spread the news, he has his own reasons for it. Whatever you do, don't tell others - unless he's given you permission to do so.