Content

• Steps
• Method 1 of 3: How to Apply NVC
• Method 2 of 3: Dealing with the Boundary Issue
• Method 3 of 3: How to Communicate Well
• Offer templates
• Tips
• Warnings

Nonviolent communication (NGOs) is a simple method of open, empathic communication that has four main aspects:

• observation;
• feelings;
• needs;
• requests.

The goal of NVC is to find a way that will allow all participants in a communicative act to get what they really need without using feelings of guilt, shame, insults, accusations, coercion or threats. This method is very useful in resolving conflicts, trying to find a common language with a person, as well as for conscious life in the present and the ability to adjust to your own and others' true needs.

Steps

Method 1 of 3: How to Apply NVC

1. 1 Voice over observations that lead you to the need to speak up. These should be exclusively factual observations without the component of judgment and evaluation. People often disagree with assessments, because everyone looks at things differently, but directly observable facts are a common basis for communication. For example:
   • The phrase: "It is two o'clock in the morning, and I can hear music in your room," is an observed fact, while the statement: "It's too late to turn on the music so loudly" is an assessment.
   • Phrase: “I looked into the refrigerator and saw that it was empty. It seems to me that you did not go to the store, ”is the observed fact (with a clearly indicated conclusion), while the statement:“ You spent the whole day uselessly ”is an assessment.
2. 2 Vocalize the feelings that are caused by such observations, or assume the feelings of others and ask questions. Just name the emotion without moral judgments so that communication takes place on the basis of mutual respect and cooperation. Follow this step to pinpoint the feeling that you or another person is currently feeling, not to induce shame for those emotions or otherwise influence those feelings. Feelings are sometimes difficult to express in words.
   • For example: “There are 30 minutes left before the start of the concert, and you are continuously measuring the dressing room with steps (observation)... Are you worried? "
   • “I see that your dog runs around the yard without a leash and barks (observation)... I'm scared".
3. 3 Vocalize the needs that triggered those feelings, or anticipate the needs of others and ask questions. When our needs are met, we experience a joyful and pleasant experience. Otherwise, the feelings will be very unpleasant. Analyze feelings to understand the original need. Name a need without moral judgments in order to clearly define your own or someone else's internal state at the moment.
   • For example: “I noticed that you turn away when I talk to you, but you answer so quietly that I can’t hear anything (observation)... I ask you to speak louder so that I can understand. "
   • “I feel uncomfortable (feeling)since I need to talk to someone. Is now the right time for a meeting? "
   • “I noticed that your name is not on the thank you page. Do you feel resentful for not receiving the appreciation you need? "
   • Please note that in NGOs “needs” have a special meaning: they are common to all people and are not tied to specific circumstances or strategies of satisfaction. Therefore, the desire to go to the cinema with a person is not a need, just as the very desire to spend time with a specific person is not a need. In this case, companionship may be a need. You can satisfy this need in different ways, not just with one specific person and not just going to the movies.
4. 4 Make specific requests to meet identified needs. Ask clearly and specifically to meet your current need, and do not use hints and do not voice only what you do not want. For a request to be a request and not a demand, the person must be able to refuse you or offer an alternative. You alone should be responsible for meeting your own needs and letting the person be responsible for their needs.
   • “I noticed that in the last ten minutes you have not said a word (observation)... Are you bored? (feeling)"If the answer is yes, you can communicate your feelings and suggest an action:" I'm bored too. Would you like to go to a pizzeria? " - or: “I am very interested in communicating with these people. Do you mind if we meet in an hour when I'm done talking? "

Method 2 of 3: Dealing with the Boundary Issue

Nonviolent communication is an idealized communication style that will not work in every situation. Consider how to use this communication correctly, as well as distinguish between situations where a more direct and decisive communication style is needed.

1. 1 Make sure the person is open to nonviolent communication. NVC uses a special type of emotional closeness, which is not always comfortable for a person, so everyone has the right to establish their own boundaries. If the person is not ready to express their feelings directly, do not try to force or manipulate them.
   • Do not use psychoanalysis without the consent of the person.
   • If at some point a person no longer wants to discuss his feelings, then he has every right to make such a decision and end the conversation.
   • Persons with impaired mental and physical development (especially in moments of stress) are not always able to use and correctly interpret NVC. In this case, use a direct and unambiguous communication style.
2. 2 Realize that other people are not responsible for the feelings of others. You don't have to do otherwise just because the other person doesn't like your actions. If someone asks you to give up or ignore your own desires and needs, then you have the right to refuse such a request.
   • If a person is behaving aggressively, then you can think about what he needs. That said, this task can be emotionally exhausting, so it's okay to leave with the words, "His bad mood is not my problem."
   • People don't have to care about your feelings. If you are denied a request, do not get angry and do not try to make the person feel guilty.
3. 3 Be aware that nonviolent communication can be misused. People can use NVC to injure a person, so it is important to learn to distinguish between these situations. Sometimes it is not necessary to satisfy other people's "needs". It is important to remember that the tone of speech is not as important as the semantic content, and it is better not to share some feelings with others.
   • Attackers can use NVCs to gain control over other people. So, consider an example: "I feel like you don't care about me when you don't call me every 15 minutes."
   • Tone criticism can be used to disrupt conversation about a person's needs (for example, “It hurts when you say you’re not happy with me,” or, “I feel like a victim when you speak that tone”). People have the right to express their opinion, even if their words are not to the liking of others.
   • You cannot force a person to listen to deeply negative feelings towards themselves. For example, parents should not tell a child with autism how hard it is for them, or a person should not tell a Muslim that all Muslims should be deported. Some ways of expressing feelings can be offensive.
4. 4 Realize that some people don't care about your feelings. Your words: “I am offended when you laugh at me in front of my classmates” will have no effect if the person does not care about your feelings. Nonviolent communication can work wonders if people accidentally hurt each other, rather than intentionally, or when one of the parties is indifferent to the feelings of the other person. In such cases, it is better to say directly: "Stop", "Get rid of me" - or: "I am very unpleasant to hear this."
   • Sometimes people take offense at us not at all because we are doing something bad. If a person attacks the other, then both sides cannot be equally fair.
   • Judgments like “she’s evil” or “this is not fair, I’m not guilty” are sometimes necessary, especially for victims of abuse, harassment, bullying and others who need to protect themselves.

Method 3 of 3: How to Communicate Well

1. 1 Try to find a joint solution. Joint action should be conditioned by mutual voluntary consent and should be a way to fulfill real needs and desires, and not be provoked by pressure or feelings of guilt. Sometimes it is possible to find a way to satisfy the needs of both parties, and sometimes it remains only to peacefully leave in different directions.
   • If you’re not ready to ask like this, you probably need more time or empathy. Perhaps your instincts tell you that the person doesn't care about your feelings. Think about what is stopping you.
2. 2 Listen carefully person. Don't assume that you know his feelings or the best outcome for him. Let him express his thoughts and feelings. Recognize the person's feelings, let them talk, and show that you care.
   • If you try to name his needs for a long time, then the person will most likely get the feeling that you are playing the therapist, and not listening. Focus on the person's words, not your opinion of what they "really" mean.
3. 3 Take a break if one or both parties are too tense for this conversation. If you are too upset and unable to articulate thoughts clearly and thoughtfully, the interlocutor does not want to speak openly, or both parties want to end the conversation, then it is better to stop. There will come a better moment for conversation when both parties are ready.
   • If one of the parties is constantly not satisfied with the outcome of the conversation, then try to assess the situation deeper, since the problem may not be so obvious.

Offer templates

Sometimes a ready-made proposal template helps to competently express your thoughts and feelings:

• "Do you feel ____ the way you need ____?" Try to show deep empathy when filling in the gaps so that you see the situation through the eyes of the other person.
• "Are you angry because you think ____?" Anger is triggered by thoughts like, "I think you're lying," or, "I think I hear more promotions than that employee." Expose such a thought and the hidden need will become clear to you.
• The phrase “I think you feel ____” will be another way to express empathy without asking directly. This formulation shows that you are making an assumption and not trying to analyze a person or prompt to him what exactly he feels. Express moderately your thinking about feelings or needs in simple words like, "Could you, how about, maybe it makes an impression."
• Words: "I see that ____" - or: "As far as I understand, ____" - also allows you to clearly voice the observation and show the person that this is an observation.
• The phrase: “I think ____” can be seen as a way to express a thought that will be perceived as a thought that can change as new information or ideas are received.
• Question: "Would you agree to ____?" - allows you to clearly express your request.
• Question: "Do you mind if I ____?" - makes it possible to offer assistance in an attempt to satisfy the identified need, but at the same time the person is still responsible for his own needs.
• A complete template for all four aspects might look like this: “I see that ____. I feel ____ because I need ____. Would you mind ____? " - or: “I noticed that ____. Do you feel ____ because you need ____? ”And then:“ Will it help you if I ____? ” - or express your feelings and needs with a follow-up request.

Tips

• Don't say, "Because of you, I feel ____," "I feel ____, because you are ____," and especially, "You're making me nervous." So you shift responsibility for your feelings to other people, and they skip the stage of identifying the need that caused your feelings. Alternative: "When you did ____, I felt ____, because I needed ____." On the other hand, as mentioned above, if a less obvious formulation successfully communicates your need without shifting responsibility onto the person for the feelings of others, then you do not need to pronounce all the stages.
• You can independently use four basic steps to understand the needs and choose the right course of action.For example, if you are upset, in one of the cases you will be inclined to vilify yourself or others: “How stupid they are! Can't you see that their narrow-mindedness is jeopardizing the whole project? " A nonviolent self-talk might look like this: “This hasn't convinced the other designers. I don't think they heard me. I'm upset because I needed to get through to them. I want them to respect my work, hear my reasons and accept my project. How can I achieve this? Perhaps with a different team. It may also be that I should talk to each of them individually, in a relaxed atmosphere. Let's see what happens. "
• The situation does not always require all four aspects to be involved.
• The NVC method looks very simple, but in practice everything is much more complicated. Read the book, attend seminars, try the method in your own life, and see what and how you succeed. Make mistakes, analyze problems, and next time act on the basis of the acquired experience. Over time, your actions will become more natural. It is extremely useful to observe people who have learned to use this method successfully. There is a lot of information about NGOs in addition to four main aspects: options for solving specific types of difficult situations (children, spouses, colleagues, street gangs, warring countries, criminals, drug addicts), deeper ideas about needs and strategies, other key differences, different alternatives to domination, choices between empathy for others and for oneself, ways of expressing oneself, cultures with deep-rooted nonviolent communication styles, and more.
• Empathy doesn't always help you understand a person's real feelings or needs. The fact that you listen and strive to understand a person without criticism, judgment or attempts at analysis, advice or dispute often helps him to speak openly so that you understand a particular situation better or differently. A sincere interest in the feelings and needs that guide people's actions will lead you to something new that cannot be predicted without proper understanding. Often, sharing your feelings and needs will be enough to help the person open up to you.
• The above examples and templates are formal NVC method: communication in which all four aspects are expressed completely unambiguously. The formal NVC method is useful for studying NVC and in situations where there is a possibility of misunderstanding. In everyday life, you are more likely to apply conversational NVC method, which uses informal speech, and the way the same information is conveyed depends largely on the context. For example, if you are next to a friend who will have a conversation with his superiors after studying the effectiveness of his work, you can say: “Dima, you walk back and forth. Are you worried? " - instead of the more formal and less natural: “Dima, when you pace the room, it seems to me that you are worried because you want to stay at this place of work in order to still be able to satisfy your basic needs in the form of food and a roof over your head ".
• NVC can be useful even if the other person does not use such a method or knows nothing about it. Even one-sided application will bring results. There is a fee for training on the official website, but there are many free materials for beginners, audio and online courses in English. A link to the "Academy of NGOs" is at the end of the article.
• If they speak to you in the language of condemnation, insult or domination, you can always hear such words as the expression of a person's unmet needs. “Hey, club! Sit down and shut up! " - this is for sure an expression of an unmet need for sophistication and beauty in motion. “You're just a bummer and a drone. You can only make me angry! " - can be an expression of an unmet need for efficiency or a desire for help. Try to get to the bottom of the truth.

Warnings

• In NVC, "needs" are not critical to your existence: need will not be an excuse for saying, "You must do this because I need it."
• The basic method is to first establish an emotional connection and identify each other's needs, and then find a solution or voice the reasons why you see things differently. If you go straight to solving a problem or a dispute, the person will feel as if they are not listening to him, or he will become even stronger in his opinion.
• Don't try to argue with an angry person. Just listen to him. When you understand his real feelings and needs, and show him that you are attentive and not judgmental, he may be willing to listen to your point of view. After that, start looking for a way out that will suit both parties.
• Empathy is not a purely mechanical process. It is not enough just to say certain words. Try to understand the emotions and needs of the person, see the situation through his eyes. “Empathy is a connection at the level of attention and consciousness. This is not said out loud. " It is sometimes helpful to imagine how you would feel in such a situation. Read between the lines: what motivates a person, what caused his actions or words?
• In a tense situation, demonstrating sympathy often evokes new feelings, most often negative ones. If that's the case, just don't stop empathizing with the person.
  • For example, your roommate tells you, “You put my sweater in the dryer and now it looks awful! What a fool you are! " In response, you can show empathy: "I see that you are upset because you think that I am carelessly handling your things." To this you can get the answer: "You think only of yourself!" Continue to empathize: "Are you angry because you want more care and attention from me?"
  • Depending on the intensity of the passions and your past interactions, it may take several exchanges before you get an answer: “Yes! That's what I'm talking about! You just don't care! " At this stage, you can communicate new facts (“Actually, I didn't turn on the dryer at all today”), apologize, or suggest a new solution (for example, find a way to show that you care).