Content

• Steps
• Part 1 of 3: End the relationship
• Part 2 of 3: Counteract Codependent Behavior
• Part 3 of 3: Deal with the consequences

Codependent relationships have many manifestations: a person can indulge the alcoholism of a partner or try to please the partner in everything, without having the decisiveness to say "no". Codependency can be related to drugs and psychotropic substances, emotional, physical, sexual abuse, chronic pain, or mental illness. A codependent relationship occurs when one partner gives love through assistance, and the other feels love through assistance. For a while, such an exchange can bring joy, but this is a shaky relationship, and at some point one of the partners will become unhappy. Most often, the best way out of the situation is to break up the relationship.

Steps

Part 1 of 3: End the relationship

1. 1 Accept that you have a choice. It may feel like you have no choice in the relationship. However, a person is free to love a partner of his own choice, and not because of dependence. You have the right to end a destructive or dangerous relationship. Realize the ability to choose the best for yourself.
   • The relationship may seem to serve not so much you as your partner. Is it your responsibility to take care of your partner? Think about what options you have and what your partner is capable of choosing too.
   SPECIALIST'S ADVICE

   

   Lauren Urban, LCSW

   
   
   Licensed Psychotherapist Lauren Urban is a licensed psychotherapist based in Brooklyn, New York with over 13 years of experience in therapeutic work with children, families, couples and individual clients. She received her Master's Degree in Social Work from Hunter College in 2006. He specializes in working with members of the LGBTQ + community and with clients planning or in the process of getting rid of drug or alcohol addiction.

   Lauren Urban, LCSW
   Licensed psychotherapist

   Codependent relationships lead to anxiety and depression. Psychotherapist Lauren Urban says: “Many people in this relationship complain of anxiety and depression. In addition, they often feel oppressed, but do not know how to get out of a relationship... The reason such a relationship is codependent and not just dependent is because specific inequalities of opportunity... Both partners get something out of the relationship and fill an unhealthy need».

   
   
2. 2 Confirm your desire to end the relationship. Often codependent people are so absorbed in caring for a partner that they begin to ignore their own needs, desires and dreams. If you are ready to end the relationship, then be firm and realize that such a decision is your desire and even a need. Before starting a conversation, remember that you have made a decision and are not going to negotiate or give a second chance.
   • It is likely that the second chance has already been given, but nothing has changed.
   • If you end a codependent relationship, but the person remains in your life (parent, brother), then set hard boundaries.
   • Remain firm, even if you are begged to stay. Say, “I have thought it over carefully and am confident in my decision. You cannot convince me. "
3. 3 Talk. At the end of a codependent relationship, it is unlikely that you will be able to just walk away and not even talk. A person can become confused by an abrupt change when their needs are no longer met without further explanation. Pick an opportune moment and talk.
   • You might say, “I noticed that we have an unhealthy relationship. I hardly care about myself. I think we need to set boundaries and end this relationship. "
4. 4 Keep calm. Your decision can be met with hostility. The person may be angry, angry, upset, hurt, or sad. Remain calm even if you are threatened. No need to raise your voice, shout or swear. Respond to your screams in a soft, calm voice. It is possible that the interlocutor will repeat your behavior.
   • In the case of accusations, say the following: “I am not going to discuss the past or argue. Just letting you know about my feelings and intention to end the relationship. "
   • We advise you to read the article on how to calm down an angry person.
5. 5 Express your feelings. Decide what you want to say. You can get by with the phrase "you can't go on like this" or describe in detail what exactly does not suit you. When talking about your feelings, it's best to focus on yourself and avoid blaming. Try to speak in the first person.
   • For example, first-person phrases allow you to focus on your feelings and not blame the other person. Instead of saying, “You demand that I give you all my attention and use me,” say: “I devote all my time to you and I am constantly tired. I do not like it".
6. 6 Set boundaries. In some cases, after the end of the codependent relationship, you can get up and leave forever, but in other situations, you can end the codependent relationship in the name of making them healthier (for example, between relatives). Perhaps you feel responsible for the actions of others, or you think you are doing more than you should. Establish boundaries for actions that you agree or disagree with.
   • For example, if your brother is suffering from a hangover and asks to call him at work and say that he will not be able to come, then say: “I didn't think of getting drunk last night. You need to deal with the consequences of your actions yourself. "
   • If you need to prepare for an exam, and your friend wants to talk about her problems, say: “I am worried about you and always support, but I need to prepare for the exam. Let's meet tomorrow?"
   • Let the person know if you want to set specific boundaries. Say, “We have some issues to discuss, but I don’t want to meet in person.Let's limit our communication to text messages. "
   • We advise you to read the article on how to stop pleasing everyone around you.

Part 2 of 3: Counteract Codependent Behavior

1. 1 Think about what this relationship has given you. Despite thoughts of the effort involved, including caring, you have surely gained something from the relationship. If the relationship does not bring satisfaction to a person, then he ends it much earlier. Consider what the relationship has given you and why it no longer suits you.
   • For example, you saw the goal as caring for someone who is suffering from alcoholism or some other medical condition. Perhaps you liked the person's sense of need for you or control over the situation.
2. 2 Consider the fear of rejection. People in codependent relationships are often afraid of being abandoned. For this reason, they can choose the role of a helper: caring for a person and his dependence on you makes them believe that they will not leave you. If you are experiencing this fear, then see a psychotherapist. With therapy, you can get rid of this problem, learn to take care of yourself and trust others.
   • Often this fear is rooted in childhood or a traumatic event. Work through problems like this to get rid of the fear.
3. 3 Learn to value yourself. It is very likely that at least part of your self-esteem depends on caring for others. Stop relying on outside judgment and learn to respect yourself without outside help. It may feel like you just necessaryso that others recognize your value, but it is not.
   • If you are going to end a codependent relationship, think about what your self-worth is based on. How do you perceive yourself? Who do you think you are and what you deserve? Do you find it easier for others to achieve success or well-being?
4. 4 Satisfy your needs. Sometimes we are so busy with other people's needs that we forget about our own. The other person may seem to be dependent on you, but there are other responsibilities to keep in mind. It is very likely that by devoting time, attention, and energy to another person, you are forgetting about yourself. You might get the impression that all you can do is take care of him, or that’s your whole point.
   • Reconsider your own needs. For example, do you need to be alone to gather strength after a hard day? How do you deal with stress? When was the last time you had a normal diet or exercise? What about healthy sleep?

Part 3 of 3: Deal with the consequences

1. 1 Distance yourself physically. Start spending less time with the person and don't give up your business to meet their needs. Try to move if you live with such a person. Living together can exacerbate the need for care. Moving will create physical distance between you and reduce the need for care. Spend less time together to distance yourself emotionally and physically.
   • You can also create emotional distance. Make it clear that you do not want to answer messages, emails, or calls. Say, “I want to change our relationship. Do not misunderstand me. I think we need time to think things over. For this reason, I will not answer messages, calls or letters. "
2. 2 Analyze your feelings. You don't have to suppress your emotions or tell yourself that everything is okay. Analyze your feelings and emotions, and then think about relationships and your own personality. Identify and analyze every emotion you are experiencing, and don't ignore your feelings.
   • You can write down your feelings in a diary, discuss them with a friend or therapist.
3. 3 Accept your grief. There is no doubt that ending a codependent relationship is not easy. Accept the fact that it will be difficult and even painful for you. Don't suppress grief to avoid getting depressed. Accept and feel this emotion. Grief can include denial, anger, fear, and sadness.Other signs of grief include feeling tired, stressed, empty, and changing your sleep patterns or diet.
   • Let the grief exhaust itself. Let go of the consequences and embrace reality.
   • You can watch the body to let sorrow pass through you. The more you think, the less you feel connected to the emotional experience. When experiencing emotions, monitor the sensations in the body. What exactly do you feel and in which part of your body? Let your emotions and body feelings pass through you.
4. 4 Find support. It is sometimes very difficult to get out of a codependent relationship. Find someone to talk to about your intentions and get support. Get emotional support from a friend or relative. A trusted friend can help you make tough decisions and support you in dealing with the consequences.
   • We advise you to read the article on how to expand your social circle.
5. 5 See a psychotherapist. If you find it difficult to cope with the termination of a relationship on your own, then seek help from a therapist. It will help you understand your thoughts, emotions, attitudes and behavior, and identify beneficial and harmful actions. Through therapy, you will gain skills in introspection and problem coping.
   • The therapist will challenge you and provide support. Get ready to work on yourself and face different aspects of your personality.