Content

• Steps
• Method 1 of 3: Dealing with Your Feelings
• Method 2 of 3: Finding Solutions
• Method 3 of 3: The Importance of Realistic Expectations
• Tips
• Warnings

If your father remarried, you will need to find a common language with your stepmother. The arrival of your stepmother will change your life. You will feel insecure, and that's okay, but know that there are things that can help you improve your relationship with your stepmother faster.

Steps

Method 1 of 3: Dealing with Your Feelings

1. 1 Talk to a therapist. Talking to specialists helps many people. Psychotherapists are experienced in dealing with foster parenting situations. Surely they will be able to give you practical advice. Look for a therapist who works with children and adolescents.
   • The therapist will be able to objectively assess your situation. Psychotherapists have many years of experience in helping people overcome difficulties.
   • The technician is an outside observer and can help you look at the problem in a new way.
2. 2 Tell your friends and family about your problem. Chances are, you already talk to them and spend time with them, so you don't have to look for an excuse to talk to them. Friends and family have a stake in your well being.
   • Since friends and family will be involved in the situation, their help may not be as helpful as the help of an outsider. It is best to listen to advice from people who have nothing to do with the situation.
   • It is best to ask for help from several people, including friends, family, and a therapist.
   • If you are religious, seek help from people in your community. Often, clergymen know how to help a person in such a situation.
3. 3 Talk to your father. If you don't know how to communicate with your stepmother, ask your father to talk to you about it. It is better to explain everything to him clearly and without anger. Chances are, your father will be able to help you with advice. You might want to talk to your therapist or friends about how you can best start this conversation. Try saying this:
   • “Dad, I’m sad and I don’t understand my feelings. Taking on a stepmother is harder than I thought. Is there anything you can advise me? "
   • “I don’t know how I should feel about my stepmother. She's not my mom, but she's your wife now. What should I do?"
   • “I wanted to talk to you about the changes in our family. I feel uncomfortable with my stepmother, and I don't know what to do about it. ”
4. 4 Remind yourself of your worth. Everything you say and do has value. When you realize that you are an important part of the family, you will come to the conclusion that your opinions matter. If you think that you are underestimated or not noticed, tell about it - let your father and stepmother know about your feelings.
   • The desire for safety and security is perfectly normal. They come when a person has the feeling that he is seen and appreciated.
   • Most people want to see that their emotions and opinions are valued in the family. If you think this is not the case in your family, talk to someone about it.
5. 5 Analyze your own attitude. Are you making the situation worse by pushing your stepmother away? A person is inclined to defend himself when something changes in his familiar environment. If you allow yourself harsh remarks, disrespectful behavior towards your stepmother, you will aggravate the problem. If you are sad, upset, or angry, it’s not surprising that you indulge in taunts. Quarrels and anger at your stepmother will prevent you from concentrating on homework and enjoyable activities like meeting family and friends.
   • Arguing with your stepmother will not bring you closer. Most likely, the situation will only get worse.
   • You don't have to always agree with what your stepmother says, but you should treat her opinion as you would like her to treat yours.
6. 6 Try to accept the situation. It will be difficult for you to come to terms with what happened, but thinking about the past will only increase the pain and lengthen the time to adapt. It is better not to think about what is left in the past, but to accept the situation that exists now and tune in to a positive future.
   • One way to accept the situation is to turn your attention to something more positive. Do not reflect on the problems that you have with your stepmother, but try to devote more time to study and friends, despite the changes in your life.
   • Do something new - sign up for a language course, try rock climbing, volunteer.
   • Leaving your home, meeting new people, and trying new things can distract yourself from the constant resentment of your stepmother.
7. 7 Try journaling. A diary will help you reflect on the events of the day. This is a great way of self-discovery, as journaling allows you to learn new things about yourself. If you're having trouble with your stepmother, set aside 20 minutes each day to write in your diary, and it will be easier for you to accept your feelings.
   • Keeping a journal can help you understand what would happen if you acted differently or treated the situation differently.
   • Some people like to write a little after describing the day about what the day taught them. They analyze how they might have responded to stress, ponder relationships with others, and learn to appreciate the little things in life.
   • It is recommended that you write down at least three things you are grateful for a day. This will allow you to think good things more often.
8. 8 Go in for sports. Studies have shown that exercising for at least an hour a day promotes a good mood and helps to better adapt to stress. Moderate exercise is a great way to deal with stress.
   • Moderate stress is stress in which breathing becomes more frequent.
   • Jogging, brisk walking, swimming can be practiced independently. Team sports (basketball, football, volleyball, and others) will help you communicate with other people more often.
   • Try to do strength training several times a week. Power loads include weightlifting, gymnastics, pull-ups, and other resistance exercises.
9. 9 Develop a positive attitude towards life. If you find yourself complaining about something, try to challenge yourself with something positive. Give small compliments to your stepmother every day. Even if you are nervous or upset, there is something good to be found in every situation.
   • Watch your thoughts about yourself. For example, if your internal dialogue (self-talk) contains some negative statements about yourself and other people, try to change the situation.
   • It's very easy to fall into the trap of negative self-perception, but you need to get rid of it. If you are struggling with negative thoughts, talking to someone you trust (for example, a father, a therapist, another adult) will be helpful to you.

Method 2 of 3: Finding Solutions

1. 1 Talk to other children who have foster parents. Many children have stepmothers. You probably have a boyfriend or girlfriend with a similar family situation. Peer advice is sure to help you.
   • If you understand that you are not alone in this situation, it will be easier for you to accept the changes.
   • Try to find something in common in your situation and that of your friend, and don't look for differences in your families. Even if your situations differ from each other, your companion will surely understand how you are feeling.
2. 2 Talk to your stepmother. Talking about your concerns will help you get to know each other better. Sometimes solving a problem together brings people together. This will allow you to relieve tension in the relationship and clarify any understatements.Tell your stepmother about your concerns, honestly and without emotion. You can start a conversation with the following phrases:
   • “I'm angry about the way things are going. Can we talk about this? "
   • “I want our relationship to improve. Can we discuss this? "
   • “I know that you are not like my mother, but I really don’t like it when ... Can this be changed?”
   • “I'm not used to the way you do everything yet. Can we talk about what the rules should be in this house? "
3. 3 Come up with a plan of action for situations where your opinion is not taken into account. Unfortunately, not all parents are willing to admit that children have opinions. Authoritarian parents consider only their beliefs correct and do not give their children freedom of choice. If you are not listened to and just told that you have to adjust because your stepmother said so, you will probably feel overwhelmed. If your father or stepmother doesn't pay attention to your words and feelings, you will have to solve the problem in other ways.
   • Talk to your school counselor about your feelings.
   • Ask the facilitator to be present during your conversations with your father and / or stepmother. A grandmother or grandfather, an uncle or aunt, a psychologist or family friend can help you find a compromise. Your father and stepmother will be more inclined to listen to you if another adult is present during the conversation.
4. 4 Choose your words carefully. Try to agree more often and strive for a solution that works for everyone. But if you really need to be taken seriously, stand your ground. Your opinion matters.
   • Most likely, you want everything to be the same as before, but the situation in your family has changed significantly. Remember that some things will not be the same as in the past. Try not to voice your dissatisfaction with every little thing.
   • If you think you need to say your opinion, do it. Express your thoughts directly and without sarcasm and you are more likely to be heard.
5. 5 Start over. It's never too late to start solving problems with your stepmother. Tell her that you don't like the way things are going and that you want to start over. Apologize sincerely if the situation calls for it. You may be able to radically change the situation.
   • “I apologize for my behavior. Can we try to mend the relationship? "
   • “I don't like how our relationship is going. Maybe we can try to fix it? "
   • “I know that you are not my mom, and you will never be, but sometimes this whole situation pisses me off. Can we find a solution together? "
6. 6 Offer your help. Sometimes what you say is more important than what you do. Ask your stepmother if she needs help with household chores or shopping. Offering your help to your stepmother will let her know that you are ready to work to improve your relationship.
   • If you see your stepmother is having a hard day, offer to help her clean up or put the laundry in the cupboards.
   • If you already drive, go to the store to shop for the whole family.
   • Collect all dirty clothes and wash them. Take out the trash when you notice that the bucket is full.
   • Feed your pets and clean your cat's litter box, even if it's not your turn. Offer to cook dinner for the whole family once a week.
7. 7 Spend time with your stepmother. Going to the movies or going for a walk to talk to her can help you bond. If she asks you to help with something, don't refuse. Very often, in order to defuse the situation and see the situation in a new way, it is enough just to leave the house and look around.
   • Try to calm down and look at your stepmother with different eyes. Chances are, you have something in common that might bring you closer together.
   • Even if you just watch TV together or play a computer game, it will help strengthen your relationship.
   • If you do not know where to start, try looking for group activities: go on a rafting or sign up for a dance.

Method 3 of 3: The Importance of Realistic Expectations

1. 1 Be patient. Your family is changing and everyone needs time to get used to it. In families where not everyone is related to each other, some things happen differently from ordinary families. It is impossible to get used to each other instantly. Everything takes time, and the result does not always correspond to expectations. Everyone needs to adapt, and relationships in such families will evolve and change over time. Open and sincere communication is a prerequisite for such a relationship.
   • Most likely, your father wants you to get along with your stepmother, accept her, and so that you all become one big family, but the likelihood that this will not happen is very high.
   • If you think your dad is pushing you, tell him that you don't mind mending a relationship with your stepmother, but you need time.
2. 2 Assume the possibility that you can never have warm feelings for your stepmother. Sometimes people are so different from each other that it is almost impossible for them to find a common language. When there is a conflict of characters, it can be difficult to mend relationships.
   • Trying to be correct and respectful at all times will not make the problem worse. At the same time, you should continue to look for common interests that could bring you closer to your stepmother.
   • There is nothing wrong with wanting to spend more time with friends or family now. If you're asked to do something with your stepmother, don't be afraid to refuse if you don't want to, but try to do it politely.
3. 3 Keep calm. If your stepmother is being rude, bossy, or defiant and continues to do so despite your attempts to keep the peace, it is best to stop paying attention to her. Think about yourself and what you can change about yourself to accommodate her behavior.
   • If your stepmother is rude to you, don't take it as a personal insult. Consider this her problem, not yours. Remember that it is up to you how to react.
   • Don't let your stepmother's bad mood ruin your day. The best way to defuse the situation is to be friendly, not angry.
   • If you decide to make a scandal, it will only worsen the situation.
4. 4 Don't try to force change. Remember that it is not in your power to influence a person's behavior, and attempts to change that behavior often lead to increased conflict. Sometimes you just need to come to terms with the fact that you are not to blame for the fact that a person behaves this way towards you.
   • Try to stop noticing your stepmother and turn your attention to something else.
   • If necessary, do something that will make you leave the house, such as a walk with the dog or play an outdoor sports game. Visit friends to spend less time at home.

Tips

• Give your stepmother a chance. Perhaps over time you will like her, and you will have another close person and friend.
• If you are forced to live with a stepmother you don't like, remind yourself that this is all temporary. You will be able to move and live on your own very soon.
• Keep in touch with family members (grandparents) and friends to feel supported.
• Try to always be in a good mood and think more often about the pleasant things in your family.

Warnings

• If you start to feel like your life doesn't make sense, talk to someone you trust as soon as possible.
• Don't try to get rid of your stepmother or make her quarrel with your father. This will only harm yourself.