Content

• Steps
• Tips
• Warnings

It seems almost impossible to treat a recent divorce or breakup from a Zen perspective. Regardless of who initiated the breakup, you are overwhelmed by a wave of emotions, a feeling of loss and regret that events developed in this way, and in such conditions there is no need to talk about calmness and balance. The mind can understand that breakdowns and hysteria will not bring anything, but only you will not order your heart. Zen philosophy helps to calm the heart. This change is not easy, but time and practice will replace seething emotions with equilibrium to restore peace to the soul and banish depression. Practice Zen, and with time you will surely get much better.

Steps

1. 1 Investigate the reasons for the breakup honestly without giving up your feelings. Many people tend to put on rose-colored glasses, idealizing past relationships, although there were not only positive moments, and you lost an imperfect partner. A break in a relationship leads thoughts to confusion, and a person seeks to idealize the banal and mundane features of his former half, in order to hide them from anger and sad thoughts. At this stage, you need to focus on valid reasons for divorce, to find real peace of mind in the turmoil of emotions. Some of the most common reasons for the end of a connection are:
   • Too many quarrels. Constant quarrels and disagreements poison relationships, as well as destroy your psyche and self-esteem. Of course, there are couples who find pleasure in a quarrel, followed by reconciliation, but most people are debilitated by such skirmishes. They deprive vitality that could be directed to other matters, impoverishing a person's life.
   • Lack of sexual or moral attraction. A healthy and balanced relationship must be supported by both the physical and moral attractiveness of the partner. By convincing yourself that you need to stay with a person only because of the similarity of views or his personal qualities, sooner or later you will still get out of the normal course of relations. The bond will be strong if the same attractiveness is felt on both sides at all levels. In other words, if you are comfortable with both the physical and the moral relationships, but your partner does not feel the same attraction, the union will not be strong. Each half should be attractive to the other.
   • Hectic meeting schedule. The reason for the breakup may be a lack of synchronicity in your and his / her schedule, as well as the move of someone from a couple to another city. Timing inconsistencies and geographic constraints are often a major problem. If this happened to you, you do not need to howl at the moon in despair, just accept what happened as it is - this is a break. Leave your sadness to the will of higher powers - if you are destined to be together, fate will bring you together again.
   • Cheating on one of the partners. Cheating is abnormal, and finding it becomes a red flag signaling a breakdown in the relationship. If the betrayal happened on your part, you need to understand that it is better to be the first to declare the breakup than to play the role of a traitor. If you have been deceived, think about the fact that you deserve better than trusting your love to a person who is looking for comfort in the arms of another / other.
   • All relationships were nothing more than a game. Perhaps you yourself, your partner, or both together perceived these meetings as just another entertainment. Lack of seriousness is laying the seeds for future breakup.
2. 2 Time to get over the grief. It will take more than one day to reach the Zen goal, but time is exactly what is needed now.So you can come to your senses after the loss of what was of value to you, without seeking to get some new pleasure in return for the loss. People who are reluctant to accept the pain of a breakup tend to forge new connections in which they will project unreleased feelings about the past onto a new partner, regardless of who he or she is in himself. Leave room for your grief, even if it feels more painful than the death of a member of your immediate family. There has been a loss in your life, and the only way to come to your senses and regain emotional and physical health is to allow your feelings to fully relive what happened. Only then will the world return to your soul. Accept your grief and prepare yourself for it to be expressed in different ways. Some psychologists identify 5-7 stages of grief experience:
   • Insulation. This is the time when you want to think alone. Usually, this phase of grief begins even when the person is in a state of shock. If you enjoy meditation, you can set aside a lot of time for it during the lonely phase.
   • Anger. After a breakup, a person is often overwhelmed with anger. This feeling will be directed not only against the ex-partner, but also against yourself or something / someone from the environment. You can calm your anger by thinking and disconnecting yourself from it, but first you need to learn to recognize the emergence of anger.
   • Bargaining. At this stage, you begin to regain control of the situation, pondering the possible paths of events, if you would have acted differently at a certain point. Often such thoughts arise: “Oh, if I could / could be more attentive then to her / his interests” or “If I took him a little more fun”
   • Depression and depression. Emotional recession after the breakup of a relationship is experienced to a greater or lesser extent by each person. Pay attention to your blues. If the depression lasts longer than 1-2 months, or if your emotions hurt you or others, you should immediately see a psychologist. Be especially vigilant if you are prone to depression. In this case, you need to visit a psychologist if the depression lasts 2 weeks.
   • Adoption. At this stage, peace returns to the soul, and you can accept the break in order to move on with your life.
3. 3 Immerse yourself in the ark of a healthy lifestyle. Resist the temptation to pour wine over your grief and sweeten it with ice cream to make life more fun. In real life, using alcohol and sugar will only make things worse. Not alcohol and sweets, but endorphins will help resist the wave of despondency. To feel better, do the following:
   • Dump all booze, sweets, and fatty foods in the bin. As crazy as it may seem, a clean and healthy diet can help restore physical and mental balance. To get started, buy a book with healthy food recipes and products from which you can prepare delicious and healthy meals.
   • Reinforced training. Physical activity helps to overcome even the most dull blues, because during vigorous activity in the body endorphins are produced. These chemical compounds are also called "happiness hormones". Their presence allows you to perceive events more clearly, while maintaining a positive outlook on life.
   • The closeness of a good friend. Watching a comedy movie in the company with a friend in the evening will leave no room for crying about your grief. You can also get out to a joint party with friends who are ready to support you in difficult times. Feeling loving and having a support system is very important in these situations.
4. 4 Try relaxation techniques. Deep breathing and visualization techniques can help you cope with a breakup, as well as your Zen goals. Relaxation techniques to look out for include meditation, deep breathing, visualization, and relaxation music.Use these techniques as soon as anxiety begins to take hold of you. Relaxation can also be practiced every morning to recharge your batteries for the whole day.
5. 5 Practice letting go of the attachments that come with this relationship. Buddhist philosophy affirms the universality of the idea of ​​attachment and detachment arising in relation to any event in life. To find true self, a person needs to free himself from all attachments when he puts too much hope in someone or something. Take time to read about Buddhism's interpretation of attachment to find its manifestations in your situation. In particular, pay attention to the following tips:
   • Perceive your feelings as they really are. Emotions are often simply a block that prevents further movement, because it is more convenient for a person to freeze in horror, suffering from their emotions, rather than admit them and move on to a practical solution to the current situation. After all, accepting suffering is not a solution to the situation, and it only delays the restoration of emotional health.
   • Don't hold on to old relationships. By clinging to the past, you are depriving yourself of support. The past no longer exists, and, clinging to something familiar, a person builds his life on illusion.
   • Find what can bring joy now in order to live in the present tense.
   • Let him / her go to bring back the joy of life.
   • Understand that letting go is not easy. The sense of ownership will come back again and again, but a stable and persistent mindset will dissipate it over time.
   • Learn to see negative manifestations in order to prevent them from developing. To let go, it is better for a person to openly accept their thoughts and direct their thinking in the other direction every time negativity rises and overwhelms all feelings. Diving into the experience and returning to the past is an attempt to maintain attachment. Seek control only over what is within your control - over thinking.
   • Stop making excuses. Let go of everything "if only ..." and "I can't do without ...". It is necessary to realize how destructive such thoughts are, and also that they only create new bonds and walls of the dungeon that binds consciousness. Start believing that you are strong enough to face your future. Do things that you can do on your own (you can sign up for some courses), visit friends, or write a story about what happened to you (you can even publish it).
   • Let yourself grow. See yourself as something that is constantly changing - the person who met with a former partner no longer exists. Now you, too, are changing, and let the direction of change be the next stage of life, filled with greater self-esteem and the ability to find your true self.
6. 6 Restore your integrity. A romantic relationship is often accompanied by the thought that the two of you are so intertwined that the two became one... Such a formulation becomes a breeding ground for the development of a mess from mutual dependence, while it does not correspond to reality at all. You are not complementary to someone else, and no one is complementary to you. You yourself are a whole person, separate and real, no matter who is around you. If during the breakup you were unable to maintain your integrity, restore it. Remind yourself that you don't need anyone for integrity. Love is not only self-sacrifice for the sake of a partner. In love, we need to accept each other as we are and as we become through inner self-knowledge and outer compassion.
   • Think of breaking up as an invaluable experience in how easy it is to keep people. By squeezing too hard, we suppress the person. Of course, there is always a risk that a person will not return after they have been released.However, it is much better if the decision to continue the relationship comes from the partner voluntarily. The union on love is stronger than the interconnectedness of obligations.
7. 7 Connect with more people, but not because you need new dates. Meet with others to fulfill your sincere desire to keep in touch with people. Now is not the time to seek replacement... It is better to appreciate the existing status in which you are in relation to each person. Remember that breaking up with one person does not take away your connections with the rest of the world. It is full of people who need your love, support and sympathy. By maintaining a wide network of social contacts, you will more quickly learn that love is possible without control, dependence and distressing need for a partner. And when the right person comes into your life, you will be a whole person who is ready to accept a relationship of equals.
8. 8 Make a conscious choice to choose Zen calm versus anger and blame. You can only change the situation by becoming more optimistic about a future in which this breakdown will be an important lesson, not a heavy burden. Accept things as they are, continue the practice of liberation and leave enough room for the future life to develop freely. Ideally, you need to sincerely wish all the best, even your ex-partner, in order to establish your thinking in Zen in this way.

Tips

• Give yourself a break. If you want to burst into tears or is just feeling sad, you can allow yourself to immerse yourself in these sensations for a while. It's better than pretending that you feel good about having cats scratching your soul.
• You don't need to get involved in a new relationship in search of happiness immediately after breaking up with your past partner. The best way to find peace is to find happiness within yourself.
• Healthy lifestyles and other positive changes are great tools for moving forward. But if you accompany these actions with the thoughts "I will show him / her what they gave up", then such an activity will contradict the whole philosophy of Zen, and you are unlikely to be able to free yourself.

Warnings

• If negative emotions continue to overwhelm you even several months after the breakup, seek professional help. Your goal is to move forward, and if you are stuck in one place, the help of a psychotherapist will be very helpful.