Content

• Steps
• Part 1 of 3: Proper Hearing
• Part 2 of 3: Correct Words
• Part 3 of 3: Correct body language
• Tips
• Warnings

If you are a good listener, then you can see the world through the eyes of other people. Listening enriches the learning process and increases the tendency to empathize. It also increases your contact with the outside world, helping you improve your communication skills. A good listener delves deeper into the situation and knows which words can and cannot be used. The process of listening and understanding may seem simple, but these skills require genuine interest and practice, especially in a conflict situation.

Steps

Part 1 of 3: Proper Hearing

1. 1 Put yourself in the other person's shoes. Active listening is blocked by your inner thinking. Therefore, try to look at the problem from the point of view of another person and think that in this case you will find a way out of the situation much faster.By being a good listener, you can also become best friends with the person you are talking to.
   • Remember that you have two ears and one mouth. So listen more and talk less. It is more profitable to listen than to speak. While listening to the other person, look them in the eyes to show you are interested (even if you are not interested, do it out of courtesy). People who know how to listen are more observant and therefore tend to think and understand things better. Make sure you are actually listening and not doing something else. Focus on your conversation partner and don't get distracted.
   • Instead of immediately judging your interlocutor or immediately suggesting a solution to a problem, listen carefully to the interlocutor and look at the situation from his point of view. This will help you to truly hear the person, and not form your own opinion prematurely.
2. 2 Don't compare your interlocutor's experiences with yours. Don't think that comparing experiences is a great technique for listening to another person. If the other person tells you how he coped with the death of a loved one, do not tell him, "This is exactly what happened to me." This can make you sound rude or insensitive, especially if you are comparing something really serious to your less intense experiences, such as your conversation partner's divorce and your three-month relationship with a girlfriend.
   • Do not think that this is the best way to be helpful to your interlocutor and assess the situation correctly. In fact, this is a very simplified way of thinking, demonstrating to your interlocutor that you are not listening to them at all.
   • Don't say much "I" or "me." So you make it clear to the interlocutor that you are focusing not on his situation, but on yourself.
   • Of course, if the person knows that you have experienced similar experiences, then he may ask for your opinion. In this case, speak it out, but carefully, remembering that your experiences are not quite similar to those of your interlocutor (otherwise, he will think that you are just trying to appear useful).
3. 3 Don't try to provide instant help. Some people believe that while listening to the interlocutor, they should instantly think of ways to solve his problems. Instead, listen carefully to the interlocutor, and then think about the solution to the problem and voice it, but only if your interlocutor really needs your advice. If you start to think feverishly about possible solutions to your interlocutor's problems, then you are not really listening to them.
   • Concentrate on what the other person is saying. Only then can you try to help him.
4. 4 Empathize with the other person and nod your head to show that you are listening carefully. If a person is waiting for your approval (this can be understood by his voice), say: "Yes", and if you are told about tragic events, you can say: "My God!" By pronouncing these words, you demonstrate to the interlocutor that you are listening to him carefully. Say these words at the right time and quietly so as not to interrupt the other person. Try to comfort the person if they are in trouble. On the other hand, most people don't want to be pitied, so just try to reassure the other person (but without any kind of edification).
5. 5 Memorize what the other person says. For example, if the interlocutor tells you about problems in relationships with his best friend Vladimir, and you do not know this person, try to remember his name. By mentioning this name later, you will demonstrate to the interlocutor that you have listened carefully and are trying to understand the situation. If you do not remember names, details, or important events, then you were not listening to your interlocutor.
   • Of course, you don't have a phenomenal memory. But if you constantly interrupt the other person, demanding clarification, because you forgot important details or names, then you are a bad listener.You do not need to memorize every little thing, but also do not force your interlocutor to repeat what has already been said over and over again.
6. 6 Show follow-up interest. A good listener is not the one who listened to the story of the interlocutor and immediately forgot it. If you really want to demonstrate that you care, ask the other person about their situation when the next time you two will be alone, or just call them or send a message. If the person is in a difficult situation (for example, he is getting divorced, looking for a job, or even getting sick), then he will be pleased to know what you think of him. However, you should not do this if the interlocutor does not need it; in this case, just tell him that you are always there and ready to help.
   • Your interlocutor will be moved by the fact that you remember and think about him even after your conversation. This will develop your listening skills.
   • Remember, there is a fine line between follow-up interest and pressure. For example, if the interlocutor told you about his desire to quit, you do not need to constantly send him messages asking whether he quit or not. So you put pressure on the person and create a stressful situation (not help).
7. 7 Know what not to do. It's as helpful as knowing what to do. If you want the other person to take you seriously and think that you respect him, do not do the following:
   • Don't interrupt the other person.
   • Do not interrogate the interlocutor. Instead, gently ask questions at the right time (when the other person pauses).
   • Don't try to change the subject of the conversation.
   • Don't say, "This is not the end of the world" or "You will feel better in the morning." So you minimize the person's problem, which will only worsen his condition. Look at the interlocutor to show him that you are listening and you are interested.

Part 2 of 3: Correct Words

1. 1 Be silent. This is the main trait of a good listener, as most people just can't wait to speak up. In addition, many people express false sympathy by sharing their experiences.
   • A good listener temporarily forgets about his own desires and patiently waits for the interlocutor to express his thoughts in his own manner.
2. 2 Reassure the interlocutor of your reliability. If the person tells you something very personal or important, let them know that you are a reliable person who knows how to keep your mouth shut. Tell the interlocutor that he can trust you and everything said will remain between you. If a person is not sure whether to really trust you, then he will not open up to you. Do not force the other person to be honest with you - this will embarrass or anger him.
   • Of course, if you say that what you heard will remain a secret, do so (only if something does not prevent this, for example, the words of the interlocutor about the intention to commit suicide). If you are not a reliable person who can be trusted, then you will never be a good listener.
3. 3 Respond to the other person's lines with understanding. During pauses in conversation, you need to use two techniques: "repeat and encourage" or "summarize and paraphrase". This will give the conversation a smooth flow and relieve tension from the other person.
   • Repetition and reward. Repeat some of the above and at the same time use positive feedback as a reward. For example, you might say, “I understand that you don't like taking all the blame on yourself. I wouldn't like that either. " This technique must be handled with care. Use empathy techniques from time to time as a push to action. If you sympathize with the other person too often, you will be perceived as an indulgent person.
   • Generalization and paraphrasing. It is very useful to summarize what you heard and rephrase the words of your interlocutor in your own way. So you can convince the interlocutor that you really listened to him and understood the meaning of what was said.You also give the other person the opportunity to correct false assumptions and misunderstandings between you.
   • Make sure to give the other person a chance to improve. Use the following statements: "I may be wrong, but ..." or "Object if I'm wrong." This is a very valuable technique if you feel discouraged with a conversation or feel like you are no longer able to concentrate on listening.
4. 4 Ask meaningful and actionable questions. Refrain from asking questions, otherwise your interlocutor will become defensive. Use questions to encourage the other person to find solutions to their problem on their own. This will help the other person to draw their own conclusions without being subjective and without putting pressure on them.
   • After you've listened to the person carefully, it's time to take action: rephrase your questions. For example: “You don't like taking the blame on yourself. But I cannot understand why you are gnawing with guilt. You can just ask the person not to do this anymore. ”
   • This construction of the question will push the interlocutor to directly answer your misunderstanding of the situation. Responding to your reply, the interlocutor will gradually move from an emotional response to a logical and constructive conclusion.
5. 5 Wait for the interlocutor to open up to you. In the process of encouraging a constructive response, the active listener should show maximum patience and allow the interlocutor to throw out their thoughts, feelings and ideas. As a rule, such a conversation starts off sluggishly, and it takes a long time for the interlocutor to speak out. If you start asking personal leading questions too early, the person will close down and won't share information with you.
   • Remain calm and imagine yourself as the speaker. Sometimes it helps to understand how the interlocutor got into such a situation.
6. 6 Do not interrupt the interlocutor with your comments about what was said. Wait for the moment when the interlocutor himself asks for your opinion. Active listening requires the listener to forget about their opinion for a while and patiently wait for the right moment in the conversation. When the conversation is interrupted, summarize or gently express your disagreement.
   • If you interrupt the interlocutor, then he will be disappointed and will not understand what you tell him. The interlocutor always wants to finish his thought, and interrupting him, you put the interlocutor in an uncomfortable position and distract him.
   • Refrain from giving advice. Instead, give the person a chance to change their minds and find a way out of the situation on their own. This behavior does credit to you and the person you are talking to. Such communication, as a rule, ends with an effective decision, which enables both parties to the conversation to understand their intentions.
7. 7 Reassure the other person that you were happy to talk to him (regardless of the outcome of your conversation). Let him know that you are ready to discuss this topic further without pressure from you. Also, reassure the other person that everything said will remain between you. Even if the interlocutor is in a terrible situation, do not tell him: "Everything will be okay" - just calm him down by offering your help.
   • You can pat the other person's hand or knee, hug them, or do something else to reassure them. Do whatever is appropriate in the situation (but don't go overboard).
   • Offer your interlocutor your help if you have the opportunity and time. But don't give the person false hope. If the only help you are willing to give is your willingness to listen to the person, make it clear. In fact, this is a very valuable help.
8. 8 Be objective when giving advice and do not rely on your own experiences and feelings. Think about what is best for the person in this situation, rather than what you did in a similar situation.

Part 3 of 3: Correct body language

1. 1 Look at the interlocutor while listening to him. If the interlocutor suspects that you are not interested and that you are not listening to him, he will never open up to you again. Look into the other person's eyes to demonstrate that you are absorbing every word. Even if you are not interested in the topic of conversation, try to respect what your interlocutor is saying and listen to the meaning of what was said.
   • Concentrate your gaze and thoughts on the other person and become a good listener. Don't think about what you are saying, but focus on what the other person is saying (remember that this is about another person, not about you).
2. 2 Create an enabling physical and spiritual space. Eliminate any distractions and give the conversation your full attention. Turn off all mobile devices (including your phone) and make an appointment where no one will disturb you. When you are alone with a person, you need to calm down and tune in to listening to your interlocutor.
   • Choose a location that has few distractions. For example, if you are talking in a cafe, focus on the person you are talking to and do not be distracted by people entering and leaving the cafe.
   • If you are talking in a public place, such as a restaurant or cafe, do not sit near the turned on TV. Even if you choose to focus entirely on the other person, you may be tempted to take a quick glance at the TV screen.
3. 3 Encourage the other person with sign language. A nod of your head signals that you are hearing what is being said and that you want the conversation to continue. Adopting the position and movement of the interlocutor (reflection) will help him to relax and open up even more during the conversation. Try looking into the other person's eyes to demonstrate your interest in the conversation.
   • Lean towards the interlocutor; otherwise, he will decide that you are anxious to leave. Or, for example, if you cross your legs, stretch them towards the interlocutor (this way you show that you are interested).
   • But don't cross your arms over your chest. This speaks of your closeness and skepticism, even if in fact you are interested.
4. 4 Listen actively to demonstrate your interest. Active listening involves the use of facial expressions and body language; this applies to both you and your interlocutor.
   • Your words. You shouldn't say “hmm…”, “understandable”, “of course” every five seconds, so as not to annoy the interlocutor. Just comment on what you said at the right time to convince the other person that you are listening carefully. If your interlocutor really means something to you, then you will undoubtedly focus your attention and help the interlocutor understand his problems.
   • The expression on your face. Try to show interest and make eye contact with the other person from time to time. You don't need to embarrass him with your gaze, but try to express friendliness and a willingness to talk.
   • Reading between the lines. Be on the lookout for certain things that are not spoken out loud. Try to notice those lines that will help you evaluate the real feelings of the other person. Observe his body language and facial expressions to gather the information you need. You can't just pay attention to words. Try to imagine the emotions that led to this facial expression, gestures, and tone of voice.
   • Speak at the same emotional level as the other person. He will know that he is understood, and he does not need to repeat what has been said.
5. 5 Don't expect the other person to open up to you right away. Be patient and just listen without giving any advice.
   • Try to repeat what the other person is saying to make sure you understand them correctly and to avoid ambiguity and misunderstanding. So you will make it clear to the interlocutor that you are listening to him carefully and understand what he is saying.
   • Consider the circumstances. If you have a sensitive person in front of you, do not press on him.

Tips

• The more difficult the conversation becomes, the more important it is to listen carefully to the interlocutor.
• If someone tells you about their problems, they don't necessarily want you to solve them. Sometimes a person just needs to talk.
• No need to repeat what is said like a parrot. This is very annoying.
• If you are thinking about what to say when your interlocutor speaks, you are not listening to him. You reduce your chances of giving good advice.
• Postpone an important conversation for later if you are not in the mood to listen. If you're not ready for a conversation, it's best not to start a conversation at all. If you are overwhelmed with emotions, feelings, or internal impulses that interfere with the flow of the conversation, your condition can lead to a negative outcome of the conversation.
• No platitudes needed. Avoid comments like, "A lot of people have this problem, so don't worry about it."
• Refrain from giving advice.
• Listen carefully to what the other person is saying.
• Don't be rude - always be polite.
• Even if you are not interested in what your interlocutor is talking about, listen to him!

Warnings

• If you find that you have formulated an answer even before your interlocutor has finished speaking, you have not listened to him. Try to wait until the interlocutor pauses, and only then make comments.
• Clear your thoughts: put everything out of your head and start over.
• Look your interlocutor in the eye - otherwise, he will decide that you are not listening to him.
• Even if the story that the other person is telling is so long that you are no longer interested in listening to it, try to listen to it to the end. In this case, the interlocutor will be very grateful to you.
• Don't just say yes or nod your head - the other person will think that you are not listening carefully.
• Try not to talk too much, especially when the person is telling you something that is extremely important to him. Your interlocutor is imbued with trust in you, but if you show your disrespect or listen to him inattentively, the interlocutor will decide that it is no longer worth telling you anything; this can lead to a break in relations or prevent the establishment of friendships. If the topic is extremely important to the interlocutor, be sure to comment on what they said.