Content

• Steps

If you're in a relationship with a jealous or possessive person, you've probably begun to feel your relationship isn't as good as it should be. If your ex is in control of your actions, doesn't let you talk to someone and makes you feel lonely or depressed, he is emotionally abusing you. Furthermore, this form of violence can quickly escalate into physical violence. Know how to recognize the signs of abuse and end this controlling relationship.

Steps

Part 1 of 5: Recognizing an Unhealthy Relationship

1. 

   Consider how you feel. A relationship isn't always perfect, but in general you should feel good about yourself and your partner. If you are in an abusive relationship, such as when your boyfriend is possessive, you may have very negative emotions. These are signs that you are involved in an unhealthy relationship. You can feel:
   • Depression
   • Lonely
   • Shy
   • Guilty
   • Separated or confined
   • Concerned
   • Fear for your and children's safety
   • Want to kill yourself
     • When you have thoughts of suicide, please call the hotline 1800 1567 for advice if you are in Vietnam. If you live in the United States, call 911 right away, or go to the nearest emergency room.

2. 

   
   
   Note if your boyfriend acts as if he owns you. The tendency to possess in a relationship stems from the word "ownership". Your boyfriend thinks of you as an item that he owns and controls.

3. 

   
   
   Calculate the number of times you meet your friends or family members. A possessive boyfriend may not allow you to meet other people. He wants to be the center of your world. Maybe he asks you to cut off contact with your friends, family or co-workers. He tries to disrupt your support network and make you completely dependent on him. You may feel very lonely and aloof.
   • Think about the other people in your life. How often do you see them? Once you have lost your support network, it may be more difficult to get out of a harmful relationship.

4. 

   
   
   Consider how your boyfriend reacts when you talk to strangers. A possessive person controls who you meet and talk to, even waiters, shopkeepers and store cashiers.

5. 

   Notice how your boyfriend follows your actions. An possessive boyfriend will always keep an eye on where you go and what to do. He will ask you to "report" where you were, what you did, who you talked to, what you bought and what you even read. This can be tiring and many victims may stop some activities to avoid being questioned.

6. 

   Pay attention if your boyfriend controls access to resources. He may not give you access to certain means such as telephone or internet, car, school, job or health care. Limiting those resources is another way for you to depend completely on him, and he also makes it easy to monitor and control you.

7. 

   Think about whether your boyfriend is accusing you of being unfaithful. Many people possess or condemn their lover as cheating or unfaithful. You may feel like you can't talk to any other man because your boyfriend will get jealous. A healthy relationship must be built on trust and respect, and you can communicate with anyone.

8. 

   Realize possessiveness disguised with care. Your boyfriend can try to take control of your actions and behaviors by pretending it's caregiving. He decides everything for you, but hiding with cover is doing "the best for you".
   • For example, he may say that you should not drive because the car may have a problem. But he won't help you fix the car safely.

9. 

   Think about how you and your boyfriend communicate. In love there must be respect for each other. A couple in a healthy relationship should treat each other well. They do not curse, degrade, yell at, or engage in abusive behavior. They support each other in public as well as in private. They also respect the boundaries of their lover. Healthy couples have boundaries of their own (as a manifestation of their interests and wants), and they firmly embody their boundaries with love and goodwill.
   • When interacting with each other, people in good relationships communicate openly and honestly. It also means that healthy couples can share their feelings with each other, don't win at all times, and listen lovingly, openly, and without judgment.

10. 

    Consider how the controversy unfolds. The two don't always agree on each other, even in the best of relationships. Misunderstandings, ambiguous communication and conflicts need to be resolved quickly and decisively. Assertive dialogue helps maintain harmony and respect between the two of you, and encourages cooperation in solving problems and problems.
    • Healthy couples don't "play the blame game." Each person is responsible for his or her behavior, thoughts, and feelings. Each one owns his or her own happiness and destiny. Both are willing to take responsibility when making mistakes and do the necessary work to make up for the other. Apology, for example, is a good start.

11. 

    Determine if your partner is manipulating you. Manipulation is a form of emotional abuse in which one person uses tricks and distorts an incident or behavior so that the other person no longer believes in his or her judgment and doubts about his or her own abilities. It was a way of controlling her opponent, making her no longer able to function independently.
    • An example of manipulation: your boyfriend recalls a past action, but he changes some details. On the whole it seems correct, but the fine details have been tweaked to make him the right person and you the wrong.
    • If your boyfriend has been doing this behavior for a long time, it can be difficult to determine if it happened. You may not believe your judgment, and your self-esteem is too low. Think back to the times when you felt skeptical when your boyfriend told a story. You may have thought he must have remembered it wrong. This could be an example of the manipulative behavior that has gone into your relationship.
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Part 2 of 5: Recognizing Signs of Violence

1. 

   Understand the concept of violence. An abusive relationship is when a person repeatedly and persistently uses methods of mental, physical, financial, emotional and sexual control to gain power over the other. The relationship that is marked by domestic violence is one that is imbalanced by power.

2. 

   Know what emotional abuse is. This type of violence often includes verbal abuse, in which the abuser frequently degrades your dignity by constantly cursing, yelling, not showing any trust, acting as if you were the object. friends, intimidate you and use your children against you or threaten to harm them among other behaviors.
   • Possessive behavior is a form of emotional abuse, but it can also be accompanied by other forms of violence.

3. 

   Understand what physical violence is. Acts of physical violence seem self-explanatory or too obvious to need mentioning. But for those who grow up with the whip, they may not know that it is not normal and healthy behavior. The following symptoms indicate physical abuse:
   • "Grab your hair, punch, slap, kick, bite or strangle your neck."
   • Deny your right to meet your basic needs like eating and sleeping.
   • Smash your belongings or furniture, such as throwing dishes or punching a wall.
   • Use a knife or gun to intimidate you, or use a weapon to harm you.
   • Use action to prevent you from leaving, from calling the police or going to hospital.
   • Physical violence against your children.
   • Drive you out of the car or leave you in an unfamiliar place.
   • Too bad and dangerous when you sit inside.
   • Forcing you to drink alcohol or use drugs.

4. 

   Identifying sexual violence. This type of violence includes all kinds of unwanted sexual activity, including "forced sex", making you feel like you are forced to have sex. Sexual violence also includes "forced fertility", which means that it doesn't give you the option of getting pregnant.
   • Abusers can control how you dress, coerce, intentionally transmit a sexually transmitted infection, quit drugs or force you to drink alcohol for sex, make you pregnant or force an abortion against your wishes, forcing you to watch pornography, etc.

5. 

   Understand the form of economic violence. Economic violence means that the abuser prevents you from having your own money, even when you make money. They may keep your credit card or make a credit card in your name and then destroy your credit record.
   • The abuser may also move in your home but don't contribute to pay bills or expenses. It is also possible that they will not pay for your basic needs like medicine or food.

6. 

   
   
   Understand technology abuse. Abusers use technology to threaten, stalk, bully or harm you. They can use social media to send you malicious messages or ask for your password. The abuser also insists that you keep your cell phone with you and answer whenever he calls. advertisement

Part 3 of 5: Taking Action

1. 

   
   
   Think realistically whether the relationship is worth healing. In a possessive relationship, your boyfriend is responsible for his actions. Many victims of abuse have been trained to get used to thinking, "It's my fault," and "If I don't, he won't." But it is your boyfriend who decides how he acts. If your relationship is worthy of healing, then your boyfriend must really want to change his behavior. He must be the initiator of the change.
   • If your boyfriend is possessive enough to make you feel isolated, confined, sad, anxious or scared, then you should probably give up on the relationship.

2. 

   
   
   Ask for the help of a close friend or family member. People living in a possessive relationship are often separated from friends and family. She may shrink because she feels judged or stigmatized. But once you feel the need to leave the relationship, you will need support network. Even if you haven't been in contact with friends or family in a while, they may still be willing to help.
   • Call for the person's help. Talk to them about the exit strategy of this relationship.

3. 

   Get help through the domestic violence hotline. In the US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233 | 1-800-787-3224 (TTY)) has counselors who can discuss options with you. choose and help you make a plan out of that relationship. In Vietnam, you can call the hotline 1800 1567 for assistance.
   • The National Domestic Violence Hotline (in the US) also has a website (www.thehotline.com) where you can chat with people who are online, except from 2-7am. The counselor is there to help you decide on the safest action plan for that time. They also have a list of 4,000 safe homes across America. They will help arrange a place for you and your child if needed.

4. 

   Make your own safety plan. A personalized safety plan that outlines exactly what you will do when you feel threatened or in danger.
   • Safety plans are available online such as the US National Center for the Prevention of Domestic Violence and Sexuality. Print out this form and fill it out.
   • Keep this paper in a safe place where your boyfriend can't find it.

5. 

   Leave immediately if you feel unsafe. If the relationship is dangerous, you don't need to let your boyfriend know when you're gone. Leave immediately and find a safe place to stay, such as a shelter.
   • Your first priority is keeping yourself safe (with your kids and pets if you have one).

6. 

   Trust your instincts. Your intuition may be telling you that the relationship is not healthy and that your boyfriend doesn't respect you. Realizing this can be difficult, but once you trust and be honest with yourself, you can make a difference, and it will lead to a safer, better life for you. advertisement

Part 4 of 5: Termination of Relationship

1. 

   Organize what you will say. It's a good idea to practice what you will tell your boyfriend when he breaks up. This will help you think hard to find the best way to present yourself. This can be very difficult when you are the victim of a controlling relationship. But you deserve to be heard and respected.

2. 

   Choose a time and place. Usually it's best to say goodbye to someone face to face. In an abusive relationship, however, you should carefully anticipate your boyfriend's reaction. If you think he won't be violent, you can talk to him face to face. You may need to choose a public place so he cannot assault or destroy your belongings.
   • If you think he is going to fight violence, leave the place quietly without directly explaining. You can leave a message if you feel it is necessary. If you have children or pets, bring them and pets with you.

3. 

   Go with someone. If you are concerned about your safety, go with a close friend. This friend can testify and support you.

4. 

   Describe how you feel about his behavior. You can take this opportunity to let him know how his possessiveness makes you feel. Be assertive about what you need in a healthy relationship. Tell him the relationship did not meet your needs and you will be gone.
   • You can use concrete evidence to show how he disrespects you, isolates you, and controls you.

5. 

   Watch out for his reaction. Understand that your boyfriend probably won't listen to your explanation. He can be very wary. He may also become violent or excuse, or just ignore it. Rely on your strengths and do your best.

6. 

   Don't pay attention to the apologies. Your boyfriend can begged you to stay and forgive him. But you should be vigilant about those promises of change. Violence can "turn around," there is a period of silence, followed by escalation, and then assault. After the attack, a new cycle began again. If you have decided to sever the relationship, it is most important to listen to yourself. Ignore his apologies and pleas.
   • If he threatens to harm himself when you leave, just leave him alone. He must be held accountable for his actions. He's using his frustration to try to trick you into staying. You need to make sure your safety is your priority.

7. 

   If you live in the United States, call 911 when you feel unsafe. If the person becomes aggressive, call 911 right away. Calling 911 is to be sure to prevent physical violence if any. This way you can also stay safe when you and your baby leave the house. In Vet Nam, you can call 113 (the fast response police force).
   • Report physical violence that you have endured to police. Describe in detail what happened and show them the wound on the body.Submit a photo of the wound to the police immediately and the bruise appeared the next day. These photos can be used in court. Ask for the names and numbers of the police officers. Get the case file number in case you need a copy of the report. The police can arrest your boyfriend if they determine you are unsafe.

8. 

   Find a safe haven. List all the places you can go. Think of your friends or loved ones that he doesn't know. Locate a shelter. Shelters are often sponsored by nonprofits. They are in a secret location and are available 24 hours a day, so you can hide while your boyfriend is sleeping, if necessary. There they can help you coordinate with government social services for benefits to get you started again. They can also help you get an order of protection, and many places also offer counseling services.

9. 

   Do not reply to ex-boyfriend's messages. The person may continue to try to reach you by phone, on social media, or even in person. Do not reply to his messages.
   • Delete his phone number. Remove his name from the list of friends on social media. You may also need to change your phone number.
   • If it feels like he is watching or investigating, change your schedule every day. Go to school or work at different hours and take another route. If you feel unsafe, you should consider getting an order of protection.

10. 

    Apply for an order of protection if necessary. A protective order (PPO) is issued by the Circuit Court in your area. The PPO gives you the legal right to be protected from people harassing, stalking, or intimidating you. The order of protection will prohibit the person from getting close to your home or work.
    • Keep a detailed record of every contact he makes. If your boyfriend continues to contact or follow you, take note of the time and place and details of what happened. This note can be used to obtain an order of protection if you feel you need it.
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Part 5 of 5: Continue Step Forward

1. 

   See a mental health professional. Depending on the severity of the relationship you just gave up, you may need to find a counselor to talk about your experience with. It's a good idea to work with a professional to understand your boyfriend's relationship and behaviors.

2. 

   Get back a sense of security. After you have ended an abusive relationship that has caused you feelings of insecurity, it will take time to regain your sense of security. These include feeling secure physically, feeling free from scolding and humiliation, feeling free from poverty and economic violence, feeling secure in your activities and actions.
   • You will probably feel safe physically by taking a self-defense class. You can also begin to feel economically secure by finding a job and accumulating some savings.

3. 

   Allow yourself to suffer. Ending a relationship can leave you feeling sad, sad, lost, and anxious. Allow yourself to express those feelings. Do something creative like painting or writing to relieve yourself.

4. 

   Make time for yourself. When it comes to exiting a bad relationship, it's also a good idea to take the time to reconnect with yourself. Do activities that you love, whether it's cooking or picnicking, skiing or watching movies. Focus on what you need to feel happy again.

5. 

   Enter into a new relationship with caution. When you begin to think about entering a new relationship, you may bring with you some caution and a bit of confusion. Be optimistic about the possibility of a new relationship. But if you feel like you've had the same type of relationship, cut off immediately. Do not get caught in the vicious circle like last time.
   • Determine what qualities you want from your spouse. After you've been in an abusive relationship, take time to work out what to prioritize a good relationship. You should put yourself first.

6. 

   Be strong and believe in yourself. Ending a possessive relationship can be extremely difficult, especially if you've been involved in it for a long time. But be strong and believe in your resilience. Give yourself positive affirmations to know that you made the right decision. advertisement