Content

• Steps
• Method 1 of 3: Deal with suspicions and listen to intuition
• Method 2 of 3: Dig Deeper and Gather Evidence
• Method 3 of 3: Talk to your spouse
• Tips
• Warnings

Every couple goes through difficult times at certain times. But even in a seemingly cloudless period, there is still the possibility of facing a spouse's infidelity. Pay close attention to his habits and do a little investigation to keep yourself from cheating. If your intuition tells you that your spouse is cheating on you, protect yourself and be proactive in trying to identify infidelity.

Steps

Method 1 of 3: Deal with suspicions and listen to intuition

1. 1 Notice the decline in the quality of your relationship. People who have romance on the side sometimes vent anger at their spouses because of guilt. An affair can also be the result of a falling apart and unhealthy marriage. The following are signs of an unhealthy relationship:
   • Your spouse began to criticize you more often.
   • You quarrel more often.
   • You spend less time with each other.
   • He doesn't answer your calls.
   • A poor relationship can be a symptom or cause of cheating. Either way, take action to remedy the situation with your partner. Discuss your concerns honestly and openly and let your spouse know that you love them and want a healthy, caring and supportive relationship.
2. 2 Listen to your spouse's words. If he has fallen in love with another girl, perhaps he will often mention her in conversation. Or, conversely, he may criticize her in your presence or stop talking about her altogether.
   • He may also quote a potential romantic partner in detail or tell stories about their harmless (but shared!) Pastime. If the husband violently insists that he is “just friends” with the person (which he does not do with other acquaintances), this is probably indicative of an affair.
   • Likewise, if a spouse stops mentioning a girl he has often talked about before (usually a colleague), this could be a sign that he is having an affair with her.
   • Finally, if a spouse begins to criticize someone with whom he had no problems before (a neighbor, colleague, or girlfriend), perhaps he is doing this in order to hide the presence of a romantic connection and to mislead you.
3. 3 Take a closer look at his appearance. When a person starts an affair on the side, he, as a rule, begins to take better care of himself. If your spouse buys new clothes, changes their hairstyle, or otherwise improves their appearance, they may be looking to look good for a new romantic partner. Here are some other visible signs that your husband probably wants to please his mistress with a new, youthful look:
   • visiting the dentist;
   • buying new glasses;
   • more frequent visits to the solarium and beauty salons;
   • using a new perfume;
   • weight loss;
   • more frequent sports.
4. 4 Pay attention to any changes in his sexual activity. When one of the partners begins to go to the side, the intimate life of a couple can both improve and come to naught. If your spouse is satisfying his sexual appetite with someone else, he may not have energy for you. On the other hand, it is quite possible that in order to better disguise the affair, the spouse decides to mislead you and will start having sex with you more often. Perhaps because of the affair, he has an overall increase in libido, or he met new techniques in bed. If the level and type of sexual activity between you has changed, you should be wary.
5. 5 Trust your intuition. If you suspect something is going wrong, don't ignore the feeling. You may have caught subtle micro-expressions (very short bursts of emotion that are different from the person's) or insincere emotions. What is often attributed to intuition or gut has a solid foundation in biology. Trust your feelings if you suspect your spouse is cheating.

Method 2 of 3: Dig Deeper and Gather Evidence

1. 1 Observe unusual behavior. Does the spouse often go out of earshot when answering a call, or cover the phone screen when writing a message? Does he go on business trips or go to unusual meetings with friends, insisting that you stay at home? Is his reaction strange or suspicious when you challenge him to have a frank conversation about these meetings? He may be trying to avoid you in order to keep his affair a secret. Does he have a new hobby or hobby? If so, perhaps he took over this interest from his mistress. Any sudden change in your spouse's daily routine or lifestyle could be indicative of infidelity.
   • Write down the specific times when your spouse goes to work, goes to the gym, lunch, and more. Call him at work when he should be there and see if he picks up the phone.
   • It is possible that his daily routine has changed due to the nature of his work, so be careful about this as an indicator of cheating and take into account other factors as well.
2. 2 Behave as if nothing had happened. If your spouse thinks that you have figured out him, he will begin to be extra careful about hiding the affair, and it will be more difficult for you to find out the truth. Act calmly and naturally in the presence of your husband, even when gathering evidence and identifying signals that he unknowingly broadcasts.
3. 3 Review your bank statement. Are there any credit or debit card payments that you are not aware of, such as payments for restaurants, hotels, entertainment, and more? Have you found receipts for flowers, gifts, or other strange expenses? If you are running a joint account with your spouse, contact your bank for more information. Talk to your partner about their costs. If he answers evasively, vaguely or suspiciously, most likely he is cheating on you.
   • The financial questions will depend on the specific costs, however, there may be the following options:
     • “Do you think this cancellation is correct?”;
     • “Have you bought _______?”;
     • "When did you buy ____?"
   • Evasive or vague answers can be as follows:
     • "I do not remember";
     • "None of your business";
     • "Let's talk about this later."
4. 4 Check his phone if necessary. If you are sure that your spouse is cheating on you or you previously had access to his phone, check your messages and calls. You may find text or voice messages indicating an affair.
   • Be careful when accessing your spouse's phone. If he's not cheating on you, you could unintentionally harm your relationship by invading his privacy.
   • Even in the absence of clear evidence to expose the affair, circumstantial evidence can be used to figure out what is going on. If you notice a lot of messages or calls between your spouse and another girlfriend, this could be evidence of their romance. Other indirect signs of a love affair may be mentions of their walks together or entertainment that you do not know about.
5. 5 Check his computer. If you are sure that your spouse is cheating on you, you can check his computer as well. However, keep in mind that this is an invasion of privacy, and if your partner is clean in front of you, chances are it will be difficult for you to regain their trust. Perhaps he communicates with his mistress on social networks, via email or online chat. Look for messages that indicate an affair is on the side.
   • Also, check your browser history. If your browser history was recently deleted, it could mean that your spouse is hiding a recent web session (for example, visiting your lover's social media page).
6. 6 Hire a private investigator. A detective can organize surveillance of your spouse, track his movements and take a photo or video of his interactions over a long period of time. As an unknown third party, the detective can easily document your spouse's movements to uncover infidelity (or, hopefully, lack thereof).
   • Search the Internet for recommendations from detectives specializing in proving suspicions of extramarital affairs (and don't forget to delete your search history!).
   • If you can't or don't want to spend money on a detective, do a little investigation yourself. Interview your spouse's neighbors and coworkers about their habits. Try to find out if he was seen entering or leaving at untimely hours (especially when he claimed to be somewhere else), or if he was often seen in the company of someone who might be of romantic interest to him.

Method 3 of 3: Talk to your spouse

1. 1 Be patient. Perhaps your spouse will not be ready to confess to the novel on the side. Admit that you cannot force him to do it.Most likely, he will deny everything many times before making a confession, especially if you do not provide convincing evidence of his infidelity. SPECIALIST'S ADVICE

   

   Klare Heston, LCSW

   
   
   Licensed Social Worker Claire Heston is a licensed independent clinical social worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. She has experience in educational counseling and clinical supervision, and received her Master's degree in Social Work from Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also completed a two-year continuing education course at the Cleveland Institute of Gestalt Therapy and is certified in family therapy, supervision, mediation, and trauma therapy.

   Klare Heston, LCSW
   Licensed social worker

   Look for clues before asking your spouse to have a frank conversation. Licensed social psychologist Claire Heston says, “If you suspect your spouse is cheating on you, be alert. Also, ask practical follow-up questions when you think he is lying to you. Make sure that something is happening carefully before calling him into a frank conversation. This is not easy, so please be patient. "

   
   
2. 2 Take a gentle approach. Even if you are angry and upset about your partner's unfaithfulness, always be gentle when inquiring about their habits that could reveal cheating. Use a harmless tone of voice and don't scream. Ask the question while sitting instead of standing over the person. Don't be aggressive or physically violent. Even if your spouse gets angry because of your "suspicion", do not respond with anger. Broadcast peaceful body language by keeping your hands on your lap or at your sides. When asking leading questions, do not cross your arms over your chest or rest your hands on your hips.
3. 3 Ask leading questions. There are many questions you can ask your spouse to find out if he is involved in an affair. Instead of directly asking or blaming him, ask about his whereabouts or habits to get him to inadvertently confess to a lie. One of the methods includes a technique called Volatile Conundrum. This means putting a potential cheater in a position where he must quickly make a decision about his behavior or whereabouts.
   • For example, if your partner says that before returning home he played football with friends in the schoolyard, answer that your friend also wanted to play there with the company, but it turned out that the field was closed due to a break in the water supply. Even if this is not true, the spouse will be forced to agree or disagree with this version of events, which will give you the opportunity to later double-check the accuracy of these words.
   • You can also ask more general guiding questions to find out why the partner changed their habits, appearance, or work schedule. For example, you might ask:
     • “Why have you changed the opening hours in your office?”;
     • “Why did you decide to dye your hair?”;
     • “Why did you decide to lose weight?”;
     • "Who called you?"
4. 4 Become a lie detector. If your spouse gives long, overly complex answers with an abundance of detail or fidgets and squirms during the conversation, he is most likely lying to you. Liars also tend to tell inconsistent or illogical stories. Ask the same question in different ways over a long period of time and look for changes in the explanations to determine if the spouse is taking sides. For example, you might ask, "Why did your work schedule change?" Secretly write down your partner's answer, and then ask a similar question after 7-10 days, for example, "Why have you come home late from work lately?" Sooner or later, micro-expressions (very short, lasting literally 1/25 of a second) will be reflected on the face of the deceiver, exposing his guilt, fear or surprise at the fact that he is suspected of treason.
5. 5 Ask directly. If you still find it difficult to determine if your spouse is cheating on you or not, take a more direct approach. Of course, the chances are great that the person will lie, but, perhaps, he will confess. Liars tend to give long, overly complex answers, fidget or crawl restlessly, and insert a lot of interjections such as "ahem" or "uh" into their speech. If your spouse reacts with anger or annoyance, they are probably lying to you.
   • Be honest. If you have information that convincingly proves that your husband is having an affair on the side, present it. You should not beat around the bush and vaguely hint that you suspect him of having an affair.
   • There is no absolutely exact criterion for detecting a lie. Each has their own unique habits that indicate a lie.

Tips

• One particular sign of infidelity — a change in appearance or increased travel rates — is not necessarily an indicator of infidelity. However, if there are several signs, the likelihood that your spouse is unfaithful to you increases.
• If you suspect your spouse is on the sidelines, consider visiting a family counselor. A family psychologist is a specialist who can give an objective assessment of your relationship, as well as provide recommendations on how to improve it.
• Don't feel guilty or reproach yourself if your spouse is cheating on you. He is the only person who is responsible for his behavior.
• Be honest about your expectations when challenging the cheater for a frank conversation. Do you want to get a divorce? Or just put an end to this romance? Have a plan for dealing with the consequences of infidelity.
• A common misconception is that a lie can be calculated by looking a person in the eye. In fact, the cheater can behave as he pleases: looking directly at you while holding your gaze, averting his gaze to a stationary object, furtively glancing around, or blinking more often. In other words, there is no accurate way to detect infidelity based on eye movement analysis.
• When your husband falls asleep or gets out, grab his phone and lock yourself in the bathroom. Examine your browsing history on the Internet, call log and SMS. Is there a profile on VK or Instagram that your partner constantly looks at? Or a number he often calls or writes to?

Warnings

• When a person goes to the side, he does not always show signs of infidelity or leaves traces of himself. Try to find strong evidence before accusing your spouse of cheating.
• Remember that the longer you allow your spouse to cheat without dealing with the problem, the less he will respect you and the more you will tacitly approve of his behavior.