Content

• To step
• Part 1 of 3: Understanding regret
• Part 2 of 3: Overcoming regrets through cognitive behavioral therapy
• Part 3 of 3: Leaving regrets behind
• Tips
• Warnings

There is no such thing as a life without regrets. Regret is both a feeling and a thinking pattern, in which one constantly muses or reflects on an event, reaction, or other actions that could have been taken. Regret can become a painful burden that gets in the way of your current happiness, causes you grief, and limits your future. Unproductive regret can also prevent you from taking a step forward. If you are overcome with regret, find out where those feelings come from, learn to forgive yourself and leave the past behind.

To step

Part 1 of 3: Understanding regret

1. Learn what regret is. Regret is a critical way of thinking or feeling, where you blame yourself for things that have happened. Productive regret can help you adjust your behavior in the future. Unproductive regrets, those where you blame yourself for everything, can trigger chronic stress, which can cause you problems with your health.
   • Regret can be about things you did or didn't do. For example, you may regret certain behavior during an argument or regret not taking a job.
2. Find out what you regret. This will vary from person to person, but some examples of feelings related to regret include sadness, loss, remorse, anger, shame, and fear. Identify the link between these feelings and the regret you feel. For example, you may spend most of the day thinking about something you've done in the past. This can make you feel defeated and hopeless. Maybe you think about what you did or said, or you think about what you would have liked to do differently in order to change the current situation.
   • Constantly overthinking and regretting can make you anxious. This can cause you to worry about future decisions that you might regret later on.
3. Identify the background to your regret. What is the cause of your regret. People can regret for a variety of reasons. Typical experiences you may regret include:
   • Lifestyle: Many people regret moving to another country or wish they would not have declined an offer for a home. For example, you moved from Canada to Australia because you wanted to live in a warmer climate. But just a few months later, you find that it is impossible for you to find work, you live off the street, and you feel homesick all day long. You wish you'd never moved down under.
   • Work: People may regret not choosing another career and pursuing their dream job. Or they regret turning down a job or promotion. Like hating going to the office every day, and regularly wishing you hadn't turned down the opportunity to co-own your own business.
   • Family: People may regret not correcting problems with family or friends, especially when the other person is gone. Or they regret not spending more time with older relatives. For example, you moved to the other side of the country because of your partner's job. However, you have never done enough to stay in touch with your grandmother, either over the phone or through visits. Now that your grandmother has passed away, you regret not doing more to keep in touch.
   • Children: One may regret starting a family. For example, maybe you started a family because you wanted your partner's dream to come true. A year down the line, you find yourself taking no pleasure in parenting and that your relationship has suffered, and you wish every day that you had started a dog shelter the way you would have liked. However, keep in mind that many fathers and mothers suffer from postpartum depression after the birth of a child. Seek professional help if you think you may be affected.
   • Marriage: One can regret the timing of a marriage or the choice of partner. Some even regret getting married at all. For example, you may have married your husband / wife because your family liked and approved your partner. After 5 years of marriage, you find out that you have nothing in common. You often think about what your life would have been like if you were married to your old childhood sweetheart, who your parents didn't like.

Part 2 of 3: Overcoming regrets through cognitive behavioral therapy

1. Apply cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). CBT exercises teach you how to make changes in your habits and thinking patterns. You can then quickly start changing your feelings of regret, shame, and anger. Instead of those feelings, focus on getting rid of any harmful, unproductive thoughts you may have.
   • With CBT, you can work to reduce and replace your feelings of regret and fear, instead of telling yourself to just stop thinking about the past.
2. Write down everything you regret. With regret, the question arises in people “why” they acted a certain way or not, and this is often the reason why people get stuck. List the things you regret and any questions you keep asking yourself. For example, you may wonder why you acted in a certain way. Go through the list and change the "why" questions to "now what?" This will help you get rid of the feeling of being stuck.
   • For example: You ask yourself, "Why have I lashed out at my child so many times in the past week?" For "What now?" could you fill in that you know you have very little patience left after work. In the future, you might want to take a 5-minute break before interfering with your children.
3. Learn your lesson. Regret can be an important learning tool for the future. Think about the lessons you have already learned and recognize that life lessons make you wiser. For example, if you regret not treating your partner with respect, you may have learned that treating your partner disrespectfully makes you feel bad. This knowledge makes you a wiser partner and person.
4. Apply what you have learned. What you regret can also be things you have learned about yourself and others. This knowledge reduces the chance that you will make a similar mistake again in the future. Make sure to apply the wisdom you have learned.
   • For example, if you've learned that disrespecting your partner causes your partner to become suspicious, don't do it again in the future.
5. Check how regret affects your future. While you cannot change what happened in the past, you can choose how your past affects the present and the future.
   • For example, you cannot change how much and how often you drank during your college years, but you can choose not to let this regret make you feel guilty now, or influence the choices you make for the future.
6. Know what productive regret is. Spanking yourself for things beyond your control can be considered unproductive regret. But productive regret can be positive if it motivates you to improve yourself or seize opportunities. Once you become aware of a missed opportunity, be it educational, financial or emotional, you will be more likely to not make that mistake again in the future.
   • If you find yourself in doubt about seizing a new opportunity, ask yourself if you'd rather worry about a missed opportunity or seizing it. Trying something new reduces the chance of regrets in the future.

Part 3 of 3: Leaving regrets behind

1. Build your empathy for others. You're not the only one who regrets something. Find out what others are going through. Remember, empathy helps to better understand the feelings of others. This may require you to challenge your prejudices and actually start listening to others.
   • For example, if you regret drinking heavily during your college years, you may have a deeper understanding of what your son is going through after a night he is not really proud of.
2. Turn regret into gratitude. You may be sorry and use these words: "I should have ..." "I could ..." "I can't believe I ..." "Why didn't I ..... Turn these words into statements of gratitude. You will start to think about the past in a different way and start to let go of your regrets. If you find yourself regretting it, turn it into a statement of thanks. This can help you look at the past in a more positive way.
   • For example, change "I should have gone to college," to "I'm thankful it isn't too late to go to college." Or change this to, "I should have tried harder to quit drinking," to "I'm thankful I can do better now."
3. Forgive yourself. Regret can make you resentful towards yourself and others. It is better to learn to forgive yourself. Not only will this reduce your feelings of regret, but it can also increase your self-esteem. Healthy self-esteem is essential to many areas of life, including relationships.
   • Don't try to simply ignore the regret. It is better to acknowledge your mistakes and feelings, but give yourself the opportunity to put it behind you.
4. Write a letter to yourself. Writing a letter is an exercise in forgiving yourself. This emotional and cognitive tool helps heal your regret. Write a letter to your younger self, or yourself from the past and have a conversation with your younger self, as you would with a child or close friend. This ensures that you show compassion towards yourself.
   • Remind your younger self that you deserve the best in life, even if you've made mistakes, because you're human and it's okay to make mistakes.
5. Practice your affirmations every day. An affirmation is a positive statement to encourage you, make yourself feel better, and have more compassion for yourself. Having compassion for yourself makes it easier to feel empathy for and forgive yourself, which can lessen your feelings of regret. Say these affirmations aloud to yourself, write them down, or think about them. A few examples of affirmations are:
   • I am a good person and deserve the best despite my past.
   • I am human and I make mistakes, that's okay.
   • I have learned a lot from my past and am worthy to look forward to a bright future.

Tips

• You cannot change what happened in the past, but you can choose the effect of your past on the present and your future.
• Remember that sometimes you are harder on yourself than others.
• Visualize yourself doing and undertaking things as you move on, leaving behind everything you regret.
• Find support groups or a counselor to learn how to get rid of your regrets.
• Volunteer people in need or support a cause so that you don't spend all the time with your own life.
• Write down your feelings about the person you dislike, then make a wad of the paper and throw it away straight away.
• Remember, everyone makes mistakes, you're not alone.

Warnings

• If you notice that at some point your regret turns into a severe depression, the tendency to withdraw from life, self-destruction or suicidal thoughts, contact your doctor, a psychologist, counselor, psychiatrist, suicide prevention line, the mental health care, or someone you can trust completely. You are not alone.
• If you feel regret because someone assaulted or assaulted you, realize it isn't your fault. But do report this to the police (and tell your parents if you are still young) so that the person who harmed you can be stopped and he or she can no longer harm you and other victims.