Content

• To step
• Part 1 of 2: Think about it
• Part 2 of 2: Improve communication
• Tips
• Warnings

So you've just had the biggest fight with your mom and decided to lock yourself up in your room and cut off all contact, but of course that won't work. Some days you may feel like you want to get your mom out of your life completely. You should not do that. The relationship with your mother is one of the most important relationships you have, and you just need to put in a little effort to make amends.

To step

Part 1 of 2: Think about it

1. Get away from each other for a while. Let your mom relax and give yourself time to think about everything. Get out of the house if you can so that you both have room to calm down. Spend time with friends or take a walk to think more clearly. If you're on punishment and can't leave the house, try other methods of calming down, such as listening to music or calling a close friend.
2. Analyze your own role in the argument. Chances are, if you and your mom have had a disagreement, you may have said terrible things to her, such as swear words or that she is ugly. Can you see aspects of the fight that were your fault? Have you broken a rule? Did you swear? Bad grades at school? Or are you mad at her for not wanting to give you permission to do something?
   • Think about your own role in the argument and try to identify at least three things you know you did wrong. This will help you later in expressing a heartfelt apology.
   • Fights sometimes happen when we are in a bad mood, tired, or hungry. Were any of these circumstances relevant in your case? Have you been out of your mind simply because you had a bad day at school?
3. Try to see everything from her perspective. Now that you have a better understanding of the argument and what went wrong, try to look at it from your mother's perspective. Had she come home from work tired? Is she ill or not feeling well? Did you attack her with an accusation or an insulting statement while she was doing something else?
   • For years, counselors have used a strategy to help people identify when they need self-care and avoid heated discussions or decisions. The acronym for this is HALT in English and stands for hungry, angry, lonely, and tired. Avoid unnecessary disagreements in the future by assessing your own mood and that of your mother.
4. Turn the tables. Often, teens and young adults do not understand their parents' thinking about certain decisions. The parents say "no" and that's all you hear. You don't see the underlying reason for the decision. To help you better understand your mother's behavior, imagine yourself standing in her shoes and talking to your own child.
   • How would you have reacted in a similar fight with your child? Would you have said "yes" or "no"? Would you have tolerated your cheeky talk or snide remarks? Would you have listened to a counter argument when it came to your child's safety?
   • Thinking about parenting from this point of view will help you develop more empathy for your mother and also gain some insight into her decisions.

Part 2 of 2: Improve communication

1. Go to her and apologize. After both you and your mom have stepped back from the argument, go over to her to apologize. You should now have a new level of appreciation for her position as your parent. Go to your mom and ask if it is convenient for her to talk now (keep in mind the HALT states).
   • If she's okay with talking, start by saying you're sorry. Use one or two of the behaviors you labeled as wrong to make your apologies. You could say this: "I'm sorry I waited until the last minute to tell you about the money I needed for school."
   • Then add a solution to the problem. The solution may sound like, "I'll try to give you advance notice in the future if I need money for school supplies."
2. Tell her you have tried to view it from her point of view. Tell your mother that after careful thought, you realized that you acted inconsiderately or inappropriately during the argument. Give her a few points about the things you noticed about your own behavior that weren't helpful to the discussion.
   • Your mom will likely be surprised that you took the time to think about her perspective. She may even see you as more mature.
3. Give make her feel respected. Contradicting, adopting the wrong attitude, or refusing to listen can seem like you don't respect your mother. Even if you don't think you did any of these things, your mom may have felt somewhat disrespected after the fight. Do a few things to acknowledge your respect for her. Show respect by doing the following:
   • Listen carefully when she speaks.
   • Don't text while she's talking.
   • Acknowledge all the things she does for you.
   • Share with her things that are happening in your life.
   • Get her opinion on important topics.
   • Don't interrupt her when she's talking.
   • Perform chores / tasks without her having to ask.
   • Address her by whatever name she prefers (i.e. Mom or Mother).
   • Don't use swear words or confusing slang in her presence.
4. Communicate your own feelings in a respectful way. Chances are you will feel ignored by the argument. After listening to your mom and showing her that you can see it from her perspective, help her understand yours. Use "I" statements to take responsibility for your feelings so that you minimize the risk of offending your mother. Then tell your mother about your needs without belittling her point of view or beliefs.
   • For example, imagine that you and your mom had a fight about how many times you've been at your friend's house. You can say: "I have been with Maartje a lot because she is very upset about the divorce of her parents. I understand you're worried. It would be great if you could cooperate so that I can support my girlfriend and also get my homework and chores done here. "
5. Discover a common interest. You may be wondering what this has to do with overcoming an argument with your mother. Well, finding an activity that the two of you share can help you build a closer relationship with her and improve the way you communicate with her. Spending time with your mom in a relaxed state, such as watching a movie, running, or gardening, can help you see her as a multifaceted person, just like you. As a result, you can feel a greater sense of respect and love for your mother.

Tips

• If you show respect for your mother, she is more likely to respect you and your opinion.
• Offer to help your mom with housework. This shows your mother how sorry you are. This shows your respect.

Warnings

• Don't swear or use harsh language in an argument with your mother. This is a sign of disrespect.
• Don't apologize to your mom until you've clearly identified what you did wrong. If you do this before examining your own role in the argument, the apology will not come across as sincere.