Content

• To step
• Part 1 of 3: Accept her role
• Part 2 of 3: Having a conversation
• Part 3 of 3: Setting boundaries for the relationship

Even the most stable and healthy relationships can sometimes be startled when a partner maintains a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex. If your boyfriend has a girlfriend, you may be wondering if he's cheating on you. You may also experience feelings of jealousy for the time he spends with her. That is only normal. But it's important that you trust your boyfriend and don't immediately think the worst. Try to accept their relationship and try to act normal to your boyfriend's girlfriend. If that doesn't work, you may need to re-evaluate your relationship.

To step

Part 1 of 3: Accept her role

1. Do some activities together. It can help to see if he treats you differently when she's around. After all, that way you can see if it is true that they are just friends.
   • There is a problem if your boyfriend suddenly stops showing you affection when the three of you are together.
   • If they are really just friends, then both your boyfriend and his girlfriend will respect you. If you can all be together without feeling bad, chances are they are indeed just friends and you don't have to worry about anything.
2. Get to know his girlfriend better. If you are unsure of her intentions, it may be better to spend some time alone with her. Perhaps this will make you conclude that your doubts are unfounded.
   • Try to view her from your boyfriend's eyes when the two of you are together. Does she have a nice personality? Does she tell funny jokes? Can she listen well? Give her the benefit of the doubt and don't immediately look for her bad sides.
   • She should have no problem getting to know you better if their relationship isn't amorous. If she seems jealous because you both play completely different roles in his life, then a bell must ring that something is wrong.
3. Don't be passive aggressive on their relationship. If you're struggling to accept their friendship, you may need to take a closer look at yourself. Passive aggression can be expressed when you are afraid to say what you think or to be honest. You may not be listening when your boyfriend is talking about his girlfriend. Or maybe you plan a party for his birthday and "forget" to invite her.
   • Passive aggression can come in handy, but it can also destroy your relationship. If you find yourself doing these things, ask yourself how you can better align your thoughts and needs.

Part 2 of 3: Having a conversation

1. Write down your doubts before speaking to your friend. This step will help sort your thoughts into order. Writing down your feelings about certain doubts can help you stay focused and avoid overreacting emotionally. He is supposed to hear what you are upset about and not just your howling or screaming.
   • Focus on specific behaviors or events that make you feel bad. This could include things like phone calls in the middle of the night, your boyfriend paying extra attention to his appearance before meeting her, or seeing him hide things from you.
2. Talk about this with a nonpartisan person, such as a sibling or friend. See if this person agrees that you are concerned about this. For example, it may not really be a cause for concern if they live on the other side of the country and only see each other very irregularly, as opposed to seeing each other every day.
   • You may discover that this outsider notices certain things that have escaped you. It will also help to confirm if you are seeing real problems or if you are unjustifiably concerned.
   • This conversation will also be a good practice so that you are prepared when the time comes to have the conversation with your boyfriend, if necessary.
   • Taking the time to listen to a different opinion will give you a little time between the event that made this conversation necessary and when you sit down with your boyfriend to discuss it. In general, it is better to give yourself at least 24 hours after a stressful event so that you can calm down and prepare to have a serious conversation.
3. Approach your boyfriend in a way that doesn't seem threatening. Don't say "we need to talk ..." because this can make him defensive because he feels there is a problem. Bring up the topic casually while driving or doing an activity together. Guys can feel intimidated by conversations that require a lot of eye contact. Sit next to him and try not to be too confrontational.
   • Start with an everyday conversation to gauge how he feels about this situation. If he suddenly becomes defensive or overly protective of his girlfriend, it could indicate that there are other things going on.
   • The conversation should focus on both of you and it shouldn't be dominated by him doing everything he can to save his time with her. If the whole conversation focuses on why he really needs to see her or why she really needs him, then there may be deeper feelings that matter.
4. Explain your doubts using "I" statements. Be specific. You may think he doesn't see that she has a soft spot for him. Or you may feel like they spend more time together than you do. By expressing your feelings specifically, you can direct the conversation to what you want out of the relationship, and away from her. Examples of "I" statements include:
   • "I feel left out when you do activities that we would do together, because it seems like you'd rather not have me there."
   • "I feel sad when you cancel plans with me and eventually go to her because it makes me feel like she's nicer than I am."
   • "I feel angry when I see messages with pictures of both of you because our friends wonder why you are posing like that together."
5. Try not to get upset when he laughs it off. If he really doesn't like her, this could be his way of putting the conversation behind him. In some cases, he may not be the one who keeps trying to get in touch. Chances are she's the one who wants more and she's making all kinds of efforts that he doesn't notice. Give him some time to think about his relationship with her for himself.
   • Making him aware of the fact that she sometimes behaves strangely can make him more aware of the fact that his girlfriend may have deeper feelings for him that he hadn't taken into account. For example, if she calls and he switches the call to voicemail when the two of you are together, will she keep calling until he answers? This could indicate that it is her and not him.

Part 3 of 3: Setting boundaries for the relationship

1. Have a conversation about cheating. What do you both consider to be unfaithful? Men and women often have a different view of what counts as cheating. Men focus on the actual sex act, while women also consider things like flirting and emotional attachment to be a form of cheating.
   • By establishing a definition of cheating together, you will get a guideline for which behaviors and things are unacceptable. Make sure you are as clear as possible when you mention the things you think don't fit into a friendship with someone of the opposite sex.
2. Find out where exactly you are in the relationship. Are you exclusive? Or would your boyfriend have no problem dating another girl? Make sure you are on the same wavelength as this will help you determine if there really is a different relationship with the girlfriend.
   • If you both decide that you are exclusive, this should be communicated to the girlfriend so that you can be sure that she is getting the same information as you.
3. Only set guidelines that you feel more comfortable with. You may prefer that they don't hang out together. If your boyfriend doesn't seem willing to discuss these guidelines, there may be more to the relationship than he dares to admit. If he really doesn't have an amorous interest in his girlfriend, then he should be open to only doing things that you're okay with.
   • Things to consider include how often they see each other, whether they spend time alone, and how he handles messages and calls from her while the two of you are together.
4. Turn the situation around. See if your boyfriend would be okay with you having friends of the opposite sex. Maybe he doesn't understand your jealousy at all. Bring up the topic and see what he says. This isn't revenge, so you're not supposed to go out and find someone to make him jealous. The intention is to let him see things from your perspective.
5. Remember that trust is an important aspect of a healthy relationship. A big part of trust is respecting your partner and not hiding things from him or her. This also mainly depends on trying to see the best in someone.
   • It may indicate that more is going on when you discover that your boyfriend is withholding details about his friendship with his girlfriend. Explain to him that if he hides things from you, your trust in him will be challenged.
   • However, it is also important to believe that he will remain faithful to you. Unless he's showing clear signs that there's more to it, try not to make a problem out of something that isn't actually a problem.
6. Let it go. Indeed, you have to trust your partner. However, if you can't get rid of the feeling that something is going on between them, then it might be better to follow your intuition. If their relationship is making you uncomfortable and your boyfriend refuses to step back, then maybe you should each go your separate ways.
   • You may also have to end the relationship if you can't bring yourself to overcome your jealousy and accept their friendship. You may simply not be able to cope with him "sharing" his time with someone else. You may need to review your expectations - and perhaps talk to a therapist - before you are ready for a romantic relationship based on trust.