Content

• To step
• Part 1 of 3: Prepare for your apology
• Part 2 of 3: Offer your full and sincere apologies
• Part 3 of 3: Moving forward in the relationship

Infidelity is a tremendous betrayal, and there is no guarantee that your relationship will be saved if you have cheated on you. However, some relationships can survive and, with the necessary effort, can even become stronger. It gives both partners the opportunity to learn more about themselves, their values ​​and the importance of the relationship in their lives. The road to recovery is a two-way street, in which both partners must commit to learning from the betrayal, to show and accept forgiveness, and to make a renewed commitment to sticking together. Nevertheless, although both partners must be involved, the journey begins with the one who cheated on her. If you cheated, you will have to apologize to your partner sincerely and in full.

To step

Part 1 of 3: Prepare for your apology

1. Determine why you cheated. First of all, it is important to realize that cheating usually indicates that something is wrong, or that the person who cheated on it feels like something is missing. The goal is to find out what the problem is so that once you and your partner overcome the initial shock, you can decide how best to deal with the problem. Consider the following questions:
   • Do you feel insecure or unattractive?
   • Do you feel like something is missing from your relationship?
   • Are you satisfied with your sex life?
   • Are you (or were you at the time of the infidelity) stressed about certain aspects of your life?
   • Have you been thinking about cheating for some time, even if this is your first time cheating?
2. Decide if you really want to stay with your partner. Based on the self-assessment from the previous step, should you now seriously consider whether or not you are determined to stay with your partner?
   • You hurt your partner and he / she deserves an apology, even if you eventually decide to break up.
   • If you decide to stay together and try to put this betrayal behind you, it won't always be easy. If you cannot fully commit to this, then it is unfair to let your partner put in so much effort unnecessarily.
3. Write about the relationship. To find out if you actually want to continue the relationship, consider writing out your reasons. Why do you want to stay with your partner?
   • Try to be as specific as possible. Hopefully you still love your partner, and that should definitely be on the list, but it's pretty sketchy. Why do you love him / her? What do you like about him / her? What do you like about your relationship? How do you envision your future together?
4. Understand what you are apologizing for. You cheated, of course, and you'll have to apologize for that. However, you will also need to let your partner know that you understand exactly how you hurt him / her and in what ways. Be willing to discuss the specific ways you damaged the relationship.
   • You haven't cheated on your own; you have broken your partner's trust, destroyed his / her image of your relationship, you have embarrassed your partner and may even put your partner at risk for an STI.

Part 2 of 3: Offer your full and sincere apologies

1. Keep it private. You might be tempted to publicly humiliate yourself to apologize. For example, you might think that your partner will be moved by your willingness to shame yourself by posting a long-winded excuse on Facebook. However, you cannot achieve anything with this. All you do with it is shift the focus to yourself and hang your private affairs on the big clock.
   • Also, think carefully before you do things like send a bunch of flowers or apology presents to your partner's work address. This will only draw the attention of his / her colleagues to him / her, making them want to know why your partner is getting a bunch of flowers or gifts. However, chances are that your partner does not want to share your relationship problems at that moment, not in that place, or with those people.
2. Accept responsibility for your actions when you apologize. It's important to understand why you cheated, but an explanation is not the same as a justification.
   • Even if there are underlying problems in your relationship (for which you may both be responsible), you are the only one responsible for the cheating. The purpose of this discussion is to show your partner that you fully acknowledge your mistake.
3. Avoid using “like” language. If you apologize like “I'm sorry as I hurt you ”or“If you would not reject me so often, I would never have looked for a sexual outlet ”, then you will not accept full responsibility. This kind of language will make your partner feel like you want to clear yourself of the blame, and that you also want to play the black petit to him / her.
   • Instead of saying, “I'm sorry if I hurt you,” acknowledge that you are the direct cause of your partner's suffering: “My actions hurt you and I really regret it. ”
4. Prepare for tough questions. Whether your partner caught you in the act, found evidence for the affair, or whether you confessed your infidelity, he / she will likely have a lot of questions in store for you:
   • Your partner may want to know details about the affair: how you met, how often you were together, why you cheated, whether or not you love the other person, etc.
   • If you close now and refuse to answer your partner's questions, you're driving a wedge between the two of you. This will lead to further distrust and will severely impede the ability to communicate openly and honestly with one another.
5. Answer honestly, but also good-natured. You should avoid vague, evasive answers, but you also don't need to go into detail about your missteps. For example, if you are asked what you found so attractive about your lover, don't respond with "Well, Sam has the body of a supermodel and the bluest eyes I've ever seen."
   • If your partner keeps begging you for details, be honest but also careful. For example, choose something like, "I found Sam attractive, but that doesn't justify my mistake."
   • When answering the questions, you should absolutely avoid comparing your lover / mistress to your partner. Don't say, "Sam is a lot more outspoken and generous than you." This will only hurt your partner, and you also try to evade responsibility.
6. Know that your partner may not be completely rational during this discussion. Even if your partner has known about the affair for some time before you apologize, don't expect (or even demand) that the conversation will be calm and rational. Emotions can be incredibly unpredictable, and you cannot impose on your partner how he / she should feel or respond to your apology.
   • If the emotions run too high, you may need to give your partner some time and space to sort things out and process before you proceed with your apologies.
7. Apologize without making any conditions. Because you hurt your partner, you owe it to him / her to apologize - regardless of whether he / she decides to stay with you or not.
   • Apologize unconditionally; not only if he / she is willing to forgive or take you back. Your apologies are not genuine if there are conditions attached to them.
8. Make your apologies without assuming that your partner will take you back. You are very sorry for what you did and may think that your partner will take you back if you can show him / her how sorry you are and how much it hurts you. This is completely natural, but you shouldn't assume that everything will work out on its own if your apologies are perfect.
   • Whether your partner will be able to forgive you is not up to you. And even if he / she forgives you, it is not yet certain that he / she will be able to trust you again.
9. Let your partner know what you want. While you shouldn't let the apology depend on whether your partner wants you back or not, you can let your partner know that you hope they can forgive you or that you want the relationship to last.
   • For example, you could try something like, “I know that what I did hurt you so much, and that I violated your trust. I regret that very much. I hope you'll be able to forgive me eventually, and I'm willing to do my best to regain your trust - no matter how long it takes. But even if you can't promise that yet, I hope you will at least believe how sorry I am and how much I regret it. ”
10. Listen to your partner. After you apologize, your partner may not want to talk to you at all. If so, you will have to respect his / her wishes. However, this apology isn't all about you; this apology is about and is for your partner. If your partner feels the need to vent, then you should let him / her do so.
    • Make it clear that you understand your partner and that you realize how much you have hurt them. Don't interrupt your partner to try to justify or explain your actions.
11. Show respect for your partner and yourself. Your infidelity hurt your partner terribly and was extremely disrespectful. You are now going to try to make amends. You can show your partner respect by listening attentively to him / her. While it is important to give your partner the space to express his / her feelings, under no circumstances should you tolerate abuse of your partner.
    • Although you have ridden a crooked skate, there is absolutely no justification for abuse. Therefore, prepare to leave if your partner becomes violent or engages in verbal or emotional abuse.
    • If the discussions get overheated, try to respond this way: “I understand why you are angry, but the language you are using now is not acceptable. Let's talk again later - maybe we would benefit from going into therapy together. ”

Part 3 of 3: Moving forward in the relationship

1. Cut off communication with your lover / mistress. Obviously, the affair will have affected you and your partner. However, do not forget that there is also another party involved. If the relationship still wants to have any chance of success, then your partner should not be afraid that you will cheat again — with anyone, but this person in particular.
   • Your partner may want to be involved in this step because he / she wants to make sure you really ended the affair.
   • Contact the other person, explain that what you did is wrong, and make it clear that you will not continue the affair.
   • Whatever you do, under no circumstances should you promise your partner that you will never go to your lover / mistress again if you do - if only to say goodbye. You must be sincere when you promise to cut ties.
2. Set clear boundaries with your ex-lover / mistress if you cannot ban him / her from your life. It is not always possible to cut ties with your lover. This is the case, for example, if you have cheated on you with a colleague or someone you absolutely cannot avoid. If so, you will need to make a plan for the future interaction with your ex-lover / mistress.
   • Limit contact with your former lover as far as you can. You may need to communicate at company meetings, but of course you don't need to have lunch together.
   • Make sure to reassure your partner that the relationship will never again take on inappropriate forms.
3. Ensure open communication between you and your partner. In order to fix this situation, you will have to prove your love for your partner again. This means that you will have to deal with the lack of confidence that your partner has in you for a long time. You may have to sacrifice some of your privacy and be willing to share details about your day with your partner.
   • For example, your partner may want to access your social media accounts, mobile phone and email address. Consider granting him / her this access; if you don't, your partner will start to think you have something to hide. If you are not willing to make this concession, you should rethink whether the relationship is worth saving or not (or whether the relationship can be saved at all).
4. Give your partner reason to trust you. Your partner might have a hard time trusting you for quite a long time, and that's understandable. If you come home a few minutes late, you may not think it is all that exciting, but know that you have to start from scratch. You have to be one hundred percent reliable.
   • If you say that you will be home by eleven, then you must be home by eleven; not at a quarter past eleven.
   • You will also need to contact your partner if you will be arriving later or if your plans change. If possible, you should also be willing to come home earlier if your partner asks.
5. Understand that you are in a new relationship. If your partner decides to give you another chance, you can't assume that everything will be the way it used to be. In essence, you are back to square one, and you are starting to develop a new relationship together. You and your partner have both been changed by this experience, and you will have to learn to adapt to it.
6. Be patient. You cannot control how long it will take your partner to forgive you and leave your betrayal behind. In fact, even after things have gone well for a long time, your partner may again become unexpectedly angry and suspicious. If you try to move forward too quickly and more or less demand that things get back to normal within a short period of time, your partner will feel disrespected.
   • If it's worth trying to save the relationship, then you should be prepared to allow your partner to grieve on their own schedule. You will also have to be prepared to cope with setbacks.
   • You cannot control how long it will take your partner to leave the anger and sadness behind. However, you do have that with yourself. You can be consistent and trustworthy, demonstrating your repentance and commitment to your partner.
7. Be open to therapy. It is not absolutely necessary to seek professional help together to save the relationship. However, it is unlikely that therapy will harm the relationship. In fact, therapy can actually benefit the relationship enormously. You have nothing to lose.
   • As a neutral (and knowledgeable) third party, the therapist or psychologist can provide you with a safe environment in which you and your partner can express your feelings, examine the relationship, create a specific battle plan, and map the progress you are making to bring and assess.
   • In addition, by offering to seek therapy, you are making it clear to your partner that you are determined to repair the damage you have done. In this way you show that you are willing to do anything to earn back the trust of your partner.
8. Do your best in therapy. If you decide to go into therapy, you will have to give it your all. Show up to the therapist once or twice a week and assume that your partner is constantly speaking is not enough.
   • Answer the therapist's and your partner's questions completely and honestly. Also really do your best on any exercises or relationship homework that you are given.
9. Protect yourself during this process. You have admitted that you were wrong and are now working hard to save the relationship - for which you may have had to give up some degree of freedom and privacy - but you must be careful not to compromise that fundamentally change who you are or compromise your integrity.
   • If during the make-up process you start to feel like you are losing yourself or being taken advantage of, then it is time to rethink the relationship.
   • You may have to accept that the relationship is over and that you will have to move on. You may also need to seek professional help if you have not already done so.