Content

• To step
• Method 1 of 3: Talk it out
• Method 2 of 3: Argue fairly
• Method 3 of 3: Avoid future conflicts

Conflict is simply part of married life. No matter how much you and your partner love each other, you won't always agree. Occasionally arguing doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong with your marriage, but the way you and your partner handle your disagreements does play a big part in whether you'll stick together for the long haul. Fortunately, healthy conflict resolution is a skill that anyone can learn. You can solve problems with your partner by talking honestly to each other, arguing honestly, and finding ways to avoid unnecessary conflict in the future.

To step

Method 1 of 3: Talk it out

1. Find a good time to talk. Talk to each other when you are both well rested and you can concentrate. Don't try to solve problems if either or both of you are upset, tired, or hungry.
   • For example, if your partner just got home from work, give them some time to relax before bringing up something that is bothering you.
2. Sit down and look at each other. Instead of pacing the room, stay calm and sit down to talk. Look at your partner.
   • By looking straight at him (or her), you let your partner know that you are listening to him (or her) and that you care what he has to say. It also helps you feel more connected.
3. Discuss the conflict. Tell your partner what's bothering you. Speak calmly and don't stray. If you're arguing about a problem that seems superficial, try to find out what the underlying problem is.
   • For example, you could say, "I would like you to tidy up the kitchen after cooking." When you leave everything alone, I feel like you don't appreciate how hard I work to keep everything clean. "
4. Don't blame each other. Don't blame your partner. This will cause him or her to be defensive and can turn your argument into a full-blown fight. Instead, tell him how you feel and what you think.
   • It's also a good idea to avoid the words "always" and "never".
   • For example, instead of saying, "You never tell me when you're going to work late," "I feel unimportant to you if you start working late and don't text me."
5. Listen actively. Be unbiased while listening to your partner. Pay attention to his body language as well as his words. Make sure you understand what he is saying by putting it into words.
   • For example, if your partner says, "Sometimes I just need time for myself," you could articulate that statement by saying, "So you feel like you can relax and recover on your own, is that correct?"
6. Make a compromise. Work with your partner to find a solution that you're both happy with. If you can't find a compromise that works for both, take turns telling which solution you prefer.
   • For example, if your partner prefers to use the dishwasher and you prefer to do the dishes by hand, alternate both ways every other week.
   • Compromise means that sometimes you will get your way, while your partner will get his way at other times.

Method 2 of 3: Argue fairly

1. Stay calm. Don't yell, scold your partner, or be sarcastic. If you're mean, all the productive discussions you've already had are in vain. If you find yourself getting angry, allow time out and control yourself before continuing the conversation.
   • If you get too angry to talk rationally, go somewhere alone and take a few deep breaths, or let off steam by going for a walk.
2. Focus on the problem in question. Argue about one thing at a time. Don't bring unrelated issues or old resentments into the conversation. Leave the past where it belongs - in the past. If you've already forgiven your partner for something, don't rake it up again to use as ammunition for your current discussion.
   • For example, if you argue about how often to mow the lawn, don't bring up an old disagreement about where your kids should go to school.
3. Do not hit below the belt. Stay civilized and polite. Some things, such as name calling or criticizing your partner's insecurities, should be prohibited during an argument. If you're so angry that you want to say something to hurt your partner, get out and cool off on your own.
   • For example, if your husband makes a rash decision, resist the urge to call him "stupid" or "idiot." Even if you feel it to be true at the time, it will only make communication and conflict resolution more difficult.
   • Ask your partner to explain his position so you can understand why he made the decision. Then you can discuss the matter calmly, including with input from both of you.
4. Don't jump to conclusions. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Don't put words in his mouth or look for reasons to believe the worst. Before answering, make sure you understand what he means.
   • For example, your partner tells you that he needs some space and you assume he wants to get out of the marriage. Ask for clarification. "Space" can simply mean more time and space to think about things.
   • If something bothers you, take it right away. Do not sulk alone about what may have been a harmless act or comment.

Method 3 of 3: Avoid future conflicts

1. Don't criticize your partner for small things. Learn to distinguish between real problems and small ones that you can ignore. If your partner has a few habits that are annoying but harmless, consider whether you really need to argue about them.
   • For example, if your husband likes to move some pillows to another chair when he gets home from work, don't whine about it. It's easier to put the pillows back than to argue.
2. Appreciate your partner. Focus on your partner's good qualities, both important and minor, and don't hesitate to give him a heartfelt compliment every now and then. If your partner does something thoughtful for you, thank him.
   • For example, you could say something like, "Thank you very much for cooking when I get home late." That makes my evenings a lot more relaxed. "
3. Let your partner make mistakes. No one is perfect, and your partner will make mistakes just like anyone else. You wouldn't like it if someone blamed your past mistakes, so don't use your partner's past mistakes against them.
4. Spend quality time together. Because of months or years of marriage, don't lose sight of why you married your partner. Get into the habit of dating, trying new things, and having fun together. Choose activities that you both enjoy, such as taking a walk to enjoy the weather or working on a hobby that you share.
5. Stay away from people who are trying to control your marriage. Don't listen to friends or family members who give you bad advice or try to influence you negatively. If someone tries to interfere with your marriage, tell them (or her) politely but firmly that your relationship is none of their business.
6. Don't try to win every argument. Choose happiness over being right. We all want to win arguments, but if we have to beat the other person all the time, the relationship will break. If you're arguing over something trivial, or if you think you might be really wrong, let your partner win the discussion.