Content

• To step
• Method 1 of 3: Set boundaries
• Method 2 of 3: Get help
• Method 3 of 3: Take care of yourself

If you are an older adult, probably one of your greatest desires is to have a strong and healthy relationship with your children and grandchildren. That's why it can be absolutely heartbreaking when the children you've raised and cared for treat you badly once they become adults. Facing this can put your livelihood at risk, so make sure you set clear boundaries, strengthen your support system, and take good care of your own health and well-being.Getting older can be challenging enough - you shouldn't accept abuse from your children.

To step

Method 1 of 3: Set boundaries

1. Put your safety first. Setting strong boundaries with adult children who treat you badly is essential, but don't do this if your safety is compromised. If you feel threatened or think you are in immediate danger, get yourself out of the situation before trying to come up with a solution.
   • Ask your child to leave if you feel unsafe. Otherwise, leave the area yourself and go to a friend or neighbor.
   • If you have been injured or threatened, please contact the local police or contact "Safe at Home". If you need medical attention, call the emergency services right away.
2. Say "no" to unacceptable behavior. Learn to hold back tactfully when your kids treat you badly. This helps indicate that you will not tolerate the behavior.
   • If they yell or swear at you, say something like "Stop yelling" or "I won't accept swearing".
3. State your boundaries clearly. Explain what happens when the inappropriate behavior occurs. Do this clearly and thoroughly so that there is no question as to what steps you will take if your boundaries are exceeded.
   • For example, you could say, "If you yell or call me names, I will stop the conversation" or "If you come to my house drunk, I will call the police".
   • If necessary, refuse to open the door and change your locks if the child in question has a key.
4. Act on breaking boundaries. Show your adult children that you mean it and that you will not let the unacceptable behavior continue. You can do this by actually doing what you indicated you would do.
   • For example, if you have said that you do not want to continue talking after yelling or abuse, step back and leave the room. If you said you would call the police if your child comes over drunk, do so.
   • Make sure you only indicate consequences that you can and want to continue. That way you can be consistent every time a line is crossed.

Method 2 of 3: Get help

1. Recognize elder abuse. Some older adults are healthy, but they face abuse from adult children. Others are handicapped and depend on these aggressive children. All abuse is bad, but elder abuse is a crime. You can recognize this as follows:
   • Physical abuse, including hitting, squeezing, or restraining causing pain.
   • Psychological or emotional abuse such as humiliation or accusation that causes mental distress.
   • Financial abuse involving improper or wasteful use of money or material possessions.
   • Neglect involving failure to provide adequate care to an elderly person.
   • Sexual abuse involving involvement in unauthorized sexual acts.
2. Confide in a trustworthy person. If you are being abused by an adult child, tell someone. Contact a trusted friend, caregiver, or doctor and tell them what is happening.
   • If the person you're talking to isn't doing anything to help you, keep telling until someone does.
   • If the abuse is not technically elder abuse, this person can still provide you with support and help you brainstorm ways to stop the abuse.
3. Contact the authorities. If your adult child is abusing you physically, verbally, financially, or sexually, there are steps you can take to protect yourself. Call a helpline in your area to talk to someone about your situation. They can help you get help and engage the appropriate authorities in your area.
   • In the Netherlands, you can go to the Veilig Thuis website or call Veilig Thuis, tel .: 0800 2000.
   • If you are in the UK, call the Elder Abuse Helpline, tel: 080 8808 8141.

Method 3 of 3: Take care of yourself

1. End the relationship if the abuse continues. If your child continues to abuse you, distance yourself. How you do this will depend on the nature of the relationship.
   • If the adult child still lives with your home, you could ask the child to move.
   • If the child lives elsewhere, you could indicate that the child will stop visiting you (unless they can treat you appropriately).
   • If you depend on the child, you can try to make other arrangements, such as moving in with another family member or moving to an assisted living facility.
2. Talk to a therapist. Experiencing abuse from a loved one can have dire consequences for your overall health and functioning. Try to process what you are feeling by talking to a professional counselor. This person can provide support and practical guidance in dealing with abuse.
   • Ask your doctor for a recommendation for a therapist in your area.
3. Spend time with supportive people. Dealing with abuse can be stressful and make you want to distance yourself from others. Don't do this - let friends and family members be there for you during this time. This will help you deal with the abuse and remind you that not all relationships in your life are toxic.
   • Make a few regular appointments with others every week. Invite a friend for dinner or attend a Sunday church group.
4. Create one self-care routine to deal with stress. Cherish yourself by doing activities that help you relax and unwind. Try relaxation techniques such as progressive muscle relaxation and mindfulness meditation. Also consider pampering yourself more often or engaging in your favorite hobbies or pastimes.