Content

• Steps
• Part 1 of 3: What it does not follow do
• Part 2 of 3: Getting Started
• Part 3 of 3: How to Recover a Relationship
• Tips
• Warnings

Deciding how to deal with your cheating spouse is not an easy task. There is no right answer to the question of whether you should try to fix the situation and stay together. You can only maintain communication, listen to yourself and decide whether to save your relationship. If you decide to try and fix things, then proceed step by step and take care of yourself.

Steps

Part 1 of 3: What it does not follow do

1. 1 Don't blame yourself. The reasons for cheating are not always obvious, and blaming yourself may seem like a natural step to you. You may feel that you have estranged yourself from your spouse or have shown too little initiative in the bedroom. Perhaps you are too carried away by your career, and there is practically no time left for a relationship. Such circumstances may imply that your relationship needs to be worked out together. However, it is important to understand that none of your actions can force the person to change you, so you should not blame yourself for your spouse's mistakes.
   • Of course, certain problems in the relationship could arise through your fault, and you need to clearly understand this fact. However, never allow yourself to think that your mistakes are an excuse for cheating on your spouse.
   • If you focus on self-accusations, it is easy to forget about your spouse's role in a situation. It is important to see his behavior as well.
2. 2 Don't dwell on the third person. If you want to drive yourself crazy as soon as possible, you can ask millions of questions about the person, follow them for hours on social media, or even try to set up a face-to-face meeting. It may seem that if you learn everything about this person, then you can understand the essence of the problems in your relationship, although in reality you will not receive answers, but a new portion of pain.
   • The reason for the betrayal of a spouse rarely lies in the person with whom it happened. If your spouse is not convinced that he is ready to build a serious relationship with such a person, then in most cases, betrayal is only an expression of dissatisfaction with himself or the marriage. Avoid giving too much attention to the other man or woman because you don't think enough about your partner or your relationship.
   • Some details can reassure you a little, but it is often better not to know what such a person looks like than making a living or other details that will distract you from the essence or lower your self-esteem. They are not worth it.
   SPECIALIST'S ADVICE

   

   Cherlyn chong

   
   
   Relationship Coach Sherlyn Chung is an dating and breakup recovery coach who helps women with successful careers to forget their exes and find love again. He is also the official coach of The League dating app. She has been covered by AskMen, Business Insider, Reuters and HuffPost.

   Cherlyn chong
   Relationship coach

   Understand that you are in pain because cheating affects your self-image. A woman always wonders if the other woman is more beautiful and how well her husband is with her. A man wonders if his wife gets more sexual pleasure with another man. In fact, your partner has replaced you with another person, so you want to understand the reasons, but you should not dwell on the third person.

3. 3 Don't try to find a logical explanation. It may seem that it will be easier for you to move forward if you find a logical explanation for what happened (for example, the feeling of a husband's own powerlessness after losing a job or excessive courtship by another man against which your wife could not resist), but do not try to find meaning where it is no. Accept that you are in pain and need to find a way to move on, but don’t think that finding excuses for your partner’s actions will help you find a way out.
   • Your partner's mindset at the moment they decide to change may defy logic. You don't need to spend too much time trying to establish the exact reason for the cheating - it is better to just move on.
4. 4 Don't make the situation public. Even if you are in great pain and you are incredibly angry, you do not need to give in to the urge to give vent to feelings and talk about all relatives, close friends, or even subscribers on the social network. If there is any chance that you want to save the relationship, you will have to deal with the fact that people will look at your partner and your relationship differently for the rest of your days. There is no need to communicate the situation to everyone in the world. Tell only the closest people who can really help you get through the situation.
   • When you tell everyone about what happened, you might feel relief at first, but soon it can be replaced by pain and regret. You are probably not ready for advice or judgment from everyone who knows about the situation.
   • If you do decide to share your spouse's infidelity with close friends, be prudent, especially if you haven't decided what to do with the situation. If a friend thinks that you have definitely decided to leave, then he will find a thousand reasons to support your decision, and you will not feel relieved or even embarrassed when you decide to stay in the relationship.
5. 5 Don't dwell on the opinions of friends and family. Do not share the situation with a large circle of people and do not worry about the opinions of those with whom you decide to share. Relatives can give useful advice, but in the end, you need to do what is best for you. Don't ask yourself what others will think if you decide to leave or stay. Ultimately, none of this matters, and you shouldn't make decisions based on other people's views.
   • Communication with loved ones will certainly give you strength and help you see the situation in a new light, but remember that someone else's opinion will never replace your own.
6. 6 Don't make big decisions without a lot of thought. When you find out about cheating, your first impulse may be to pack your things or kick your partner out of the house, but you should think carefully about your actions. Undoubtedly, you need to stay away from your spouse for a while, but you do not need to talk about divorce or other extreme measures right away. Give yourself time to think about what happened and make the best decision, so that later you do not regret the hasty act.
   • An immediate decision to be away from each other may be smart, but there is no need to rush to file for divorce. Even if your intuition tells you that this is the right step, you should make decisions with a clear and cool head.
7. 7 Don't punish your partner. You may want to be violent towards your spouse, take things that are valuable to him, or even change in return, but this behavior will not help solve the problem. You can show that you are in pain, act cold, and keep your distance for a while, but don't intentionally make your partner feel worse, or you both will feel unbearably bad.
   • If you punish your spouse, then your bitterness will only increase, and the relationship will become unbearable. It is perfectly normal to move away temporarily and behave coldly, but intentional cruelty will not remedy the situation in any way.

Part 2 of 3: Getting Started

1. 1 Define your requirements. Consider your requirements for a partner before starting a conversation. Don't just start a conversation about cheating and jump straight into tears or try to smooth things over. Make an action plan so that your partner understands what steps you expect from him if he wants to continue the relationship. This should not be perceived as punishment, but as a plan of joint action.
   • Tell your partner what needs to be done to get you to continue the relationship. These activities may include consulting with a counselor together or separately, taking clear steps to help you relive your feelings, communicating daily, or living in separate rooms until you are ready to sleep in the same bed again.
   • If you are considering a divorce, then you should find a lawyer as early as possible. This will determine your position in the negotiations.
2. 2 Do not hurry. Even if you are really ready to forgive your spouse or return to your normal life, it is important to understand that it will take a long time for you to restore the trust and feelings that you had before. Even if both of you are willing to put in the effort to preserve the relationship, it can take a long time before things return to "normal" and you feel tenderness for your partner again. This is completely normal. If you are in a hurry, then there may be problems.
   • It is impossible to forgive a partner or return to the previous state of affairs in the blink of an eye. It can take months or even years to rebuild trust.
   • You should also take your time. It can take many days before you’re ready to share bed with your spouse again, to dine together in a restaurant, or to do activities that make you happy. Get ready for this.
3. 3 Give vent to your feelings. Your spouse should know how you are feeling. Talk about your anger, pain, betrayal of trust, and hurt feelings. You don't have to pretend that the situation didn't bother you at all. Show your real pain and feelings. If you are not ready to honestly and openly tell about your feelings, then you will never be able to build a life together. It is important not to close yourself off, even if you are shy and afraid to show your true feelings.
   • If you are anxious before a conversation or afraid of forgetting important details, you can write down all the thoughts that you want to share. This way you won't get confused or forget anything important.
   • If you are too excited to discuss what happened, give yourself the time you need and prepare to have a frank conversation. Of course, it is impossible to be completely calm during such a conversation, but if necessary, you can always wait a little. You don't have to constantly postpone the conversation.
4. 4 Ask the questions you want to get answers to. Perhaps you want to know some of the details of the betrayal. If you want to piece together the details, you can ask how many times it happened and when, how it started, or how your partner feels about the other person. If you want to preserve the opportunity to preserve the relationship, then think twice about whether it is worth asking about details that you are better off not knowing.
   • Ask any questions that will help you better understand the current state of affairs in the relationship. That said, it's best not to try to satisfy your curiosity, as answering such questions can hurt you even more.
5. 5 Get a medical checkup. As embarrassing as it may sound, immediately after the news of the betrayal of your partner, you both should immediately undergo a medical check-up. No one knows what diseases the person with whom your partner cheated could have, so it's better to take care of your health. Your spouse may argue that this is not necessary, but it is the right step for your safety.
   • This process will also help your partner understand the severity of their wrongdoing. A relationship with another person during a relationship with you has put you at risk, and this is important to acknowledge.
6. 6 Listen to your partner. Undoubtedly, you feel pain, resentment, anger, betrayal and many other emotions that need to be given an outlet, but it is important to listen to your partner. Even if this is the last thing you want to do right now, you need to listen to the opposite view if you want to clarify and maintain the relationship. You may find out about new feelings or dissatisfaction with your partner that you did not know about.
   • It is unfair to think that a partner has no right to share his vision of a situation or experience certain feelings. You may not be ready to find out about your partner's feelings, but you need to let him talk if you want to move on.
7. 7 Improve your communication every day. When you start talking about cheating, strive to improve your communication every day. Try to speak openly and honestly, regularly and without passive aggression.Even if it seems impossible to you after your spouse's actions, it's important to communicate as best you can to get things working out.
   • When you're ready, agree to talk every day, eliminate any distractions, and discuss the current state of affairs. If talking makes you tired and makes you feel terrible again, try to talk more about the present and the future, rather than about the past.
   • It is very important to ask each other about feelings and sensations. Now is the time to be vigilant and focus on the relationship. It will be more difficult for you to move forward without effective communication.
   • Learn to express your feelings in the first person. For example, it’s better to say, “I’m sad when you don’t greet me after returning from work,” instead of second-person phrases such as “You don’t pay attention to me when you come home from work,” which sound like accusations.
8. 8 Make a decision want to do you fix everything. Once you start talking about cheating, you need to make an important decision: do you think you can forgive your spouse and return to a healthy relationship, or are you convinced that you do not have a future together. Don't be fooled about whether or not it is worth trying to save the relationship. The most important thing is to take your time and think, so as not to make hasty decisions.
   • If you've talked to your spouse, expressed your feelings and heard his views on events, and then slowly thought about the situation, then it's time to make a decision.
   • If you decide to try to stay in the relationship, be prepared to put in a significant amount of effort. Once you've decided it's over, then it's time to tackle the divorce. Find out the rules for filing an application and all the legal nuances.

Part 3 of 3: How to Recover a Relationship

1. 1 Do what is best for you. Alas, no magazine, friend, relative, or psychologist will ever tell you which solution is best for you or your family. If you have children, then the situation gets even more complicated. It may seem like there is only one right answer, but in the end you should listen to what your heart tells you. Finding the truth can take a long time, but the most important thing is to understand that no one can impose on you what you need to do or feel, especially your spouse.
   • This can be a daunting thought, as it will probably take time to find an answer. If your intuition is already trying to tell you, listen carefully.
2. 2 Decide to forgive your spouse. Remember that forgiveness is a decision and a choice, not an accident. If you are ready to forgive your spouse, or at least try to do it, then make the appropriate decision. Forgiveness will not fall from heaven, so you need to put in an effort. First, you need to admit that you are trying to fix everything.
   • Be honest with your spouse. Your desire or unwillingness to forgive should not be a mystery. Let your partner know that you want to try to mend the relationship.
3. 3 Spend time together without discussing cheating. If you want to restore the relationship, then you and your partner need to spend time together without discussing the fact of infidelity. Do what you love and don't go to places that might remind you of cheating. Try to start from the beginning and build a solid foundation for your relationship with daily activities before speeding up the pace of events.
   • You might enjoy doing new things together, like cooking or traveling out of town. This will help you see the relationship in a new light. In doing so, make sure that your partner does not suffer from unpleasant activities in an attempt to make amends.
4. 4 Take care of yourself. In a cheating situation, taking care of yourself may not seem like the most important thing. Perhaps the swirl of complex emotions prevents you from remembering meals or walking outside and relaxing. If you want to get through this difficult time and find the strength to rebuild your relationship, then continue to take care of yourself. Keep in mind the following aspects:
   • Try to get at least 7-8 hours of sleep every night.If you are having trouble falling asleep in the same bed with your partner, calmly discuss alternatives.
   • Provide yourself with three healthy meals a day. Take care of your physical and mental health and resist the temptation to "seize" stress and eat unhealthy foods like sweets. Fatty foods can cause lethargy.
   • Exercise for at least 30 minutes a day. Physical activity and time spent alone without thoughts of cheating are good for the body and soul.
   • Keep a diary. Take notes at least a few times a week to help clear your mind.
   • Don't isolate yourself. Spend time with friends and family to feel cared for.
5. 5 See a psychologist. Counseling is not for everyone, but you and your partner should try different solutions. Do not be afraid that you will feel uncomfortable, because you may find that you and your partner can safely share your feelings with a counselor. You should find someone you can trust to express your thoughts openly in your sessions.
   • If this is important to you, let your partner know that this step is not even discussed. Your partner has trampled on your trust, so he must make this decision for you.
6. 6 Talk to your children. If you have children, it will be even more difficult to deal with the cheating situation. Children are likely to feel tension in the home, so it's best to honestly and openly admit that there is a problem between you. You don't have to go into details. Tell the children that you love them and try to find the best solution together.
   • If you want to end the relationship, don't let your partner use the kids as an argument to keep the marriage going. The spouse may insist that the children will be better off living in a complete family, but the children are unlikely to feel comfortable if the parents constantly quarrel and no longer love each other.
   • Make time for children even in such a difficult situation, as children will make you stronger.
7. 7 Know when to stop. If you've made every effort to save the marriage, but are still not ready to forgive your spouse and continue the relationship, then you'd better break up. You don't need to be angry with yourself for not being able to forgive your partner, even if they are trying very hard to earn your trust again. Some things are impossible to forgive. If you are unable to continue the relationship and think that you did your best, then it is time to make a decision.
   • You don't need to be angry or offended at yourself for not being able to forgive. You put in the effort, but the root cause is the fact that your partner has broken your trust.
   • If you were able to continue the relationship, then there is no need to be ashamed and blame yourself for “giving up” and forgiving the betrayal. You have made a choice that you consider optimal for family and relationships, so no one dares to judge you.

Tips

• You can try taking your partner's cell phone for a minute and choosing a couple of unknown numbers. Call these contacts from a hidden number and see who picks up the phone.
• It is more than likely that the number will not be signed with a specific name, so as not to arouse your suspicions.

Warnings

• You don't have to act like a jealous partner and show that you are interested in any information. You shouldn't invent anything. You can always ask a direct question.
• Do not show excessive curiosity, otherwise the person will try to quickly cover all traces.