Content

• Steps
• Part 1 of 4: Immediate resolution of the current situation
• Part 2 of 4: Responding to Bad Behavior
• Part 3 of 4: Encouraging Good Behavior
• Part 4 of 4: Addressing Serious Behavioral Problems
• Tips
• Similar articles

One of the toughest parenting challenges is watching your adorable and adoring toddler gradually morph into a rude, sarcastic teenager. A teenage child can sometimes push parents to the brink, but if you want to keep a peaceful environment within the walls of your home, then you need to make an ironclad plan to punish bad behavior and reward good behavior. To cope with the disrespectful attitude of your child, try not to get frustrated, but simply follow the advice in this article.

Steps

Part 1 of 4: Immediate resolution of the current situation

1. 1 Don't raise your voice. According to research, yelling at a teenager, however deserved it may be, only exacerbates bad behavior. Scolding your child may make you feel better for a little while, but without working to improve their behavior, you will achieve little. No matter how difficult it may be for you, even if the teenager yells at you, do not allow yourself to raise your voice in response.
2. 2 Convince your teen to be calm. Even if you remain calm, it will not be very pleasant for your child to start yelling at you. Moreover, your child's habit of raising their voice at you must be eradicated before they even consider it acceptable behavior.
   • If this behavior started relatively recently, show understanding and explain to the child why screaming does not help him: “I understand that you are upset, but swearing will not help anyone, but will only drive us both out of ourselves. The more angry we get at each other, the less likely a peaceful outcome will be. "
   • If this isn't the first time your teen has raised his voice at you, say, “I’m doing my best to never raise his voice at you, no matter how upset I am. So I expect the same courtesy from you.”
   • If rude behavior has already become a habit in your teenager, set the boundaries of acceptable behavior with a confident tone: "I don't know what you are trying to achieve with your stinging attitude towards me. After all, I am your mother and you have to watch your tone, so stop yelling. on me until I double your punishment. "
3. 3 Think before you speak. Each person was faced with the fact that he said hurtful words, which he later regretted.Give yourself a few seconds to deal with a momentary upset reaction or anger before responding to the child. It is difficult for a teenager to manage their emotions, but you, as an adult and a parent, must exercise discretion when you speak.
   • Don't worry about how to explain that you are upset. Instead, focus on what can be said that will lead to the desired behavior of the teenager.
4. 4 Breathe deeply. Taking a few deep breaths will normalize your breathing and heart rate. By deliberately reducing your irritation symptoms, you can set yourself up for a calmer train of thought. It will also be helpful for you to count to ten, but it will take longer for you to get yourself under control.
5. 5 Try to distance yourself from the situation. If your reactions are so strong that deep breathing and counting do not help, you need to postpone the conversation with your teenager, which you should ask him to. To unwind, do something that will relieve you of unnecessary stress: read a book, start knitting, cook, lie down with your eyes closed - do what makes you feel better.
   • You can say, "I am now, like you, too upset to talk calmly. I am afraid that we may say too much hurtful things to each other, so it would be better to interrupt."
   • You can also use the following phrase: "I love you very much, but it seems to me that we need fifteen minutes to rest from each other before continuing this conversation."
   • Or you can say: "Let's go to our rooms and calm down. When I'm ready to talk to you, I will come to the hall, and you do the same."
   • Don't resume the conversation until both of you have calmed your emotions.
6. 6 Don't use judgmental phrases. To express your point of view, use the pronoun "I" instead of the pronoun "you" in conversation. When emotions are heated, any person will feel under attack if he constantly hears the pronoun "you" in his address. But you don't need it at all. Instead of attacking your teenager for treating you badly, try to explain to him how his words and actions make life difficult for others, including you. For example, try the phrases below.
   • Instead of saying, "you treat me badly," say, "I hate it when you talk to me like that."
   • Instead of saying, “You never clean up the mess,” say, “I'm terribly tired of cleaning up the mess after work.”
   • Instead of saying, “You should be more respectful of your father / mother,” say, “Your father / mother is having a difficult time.”
7. 7 Learn to anticipate problem periods. Pay attention to those situations that lead to aggravated behavior of the teenager. For example, he may be most irritable right after school, but calmer after a snack or a little rest. Also, a teenager may behave worse during a heavy workload at school or because of a quarrel with a friend or girlfriend.
   • Knowing the situations that lead to the worst behavior of your child, you will have a choice between giving your teen more freedom in such situations, or taking proactive measures to reduce his stress.
   • Proactive measures will make life easier for your child. Leave him a ready-to-eat snack in the kitchen so he can eat after school, help with homework, and so on.
8. 8 Don't take what your child says personally. While you find it difficult to watch an adorable and loving child turn into an aggressive teenager, you should remember that, to a certain extent, his harsh phrases have little to do with you. Starting in early adolescence (12-14 years old), the child already realizes that adults, including parents, are not perfect.During the period when the child is trying to get used to the fact that his parents are ordinary people, and not who they seemed to him before, it is normal for him to periodically break down until he learns to communicate with you in an adult way.
   • Remember, the problems are not just about your child. Talk to the parents of other teens, then you will understand that all adolescent children have some degree of behavior problems.
9. 9 Change your perspective on the child's behavior. The child's bad behavior always pisses off the parents, in such a situation it is very difficult to overcome their upset feelings, which are quite justified. However, it will be much easier for you to stay calm if you try to look at the situation from the point of view of a teenager. Think back to your own period of growing up: the likelihood is high that you also said hurtful things to your parents. To understand the child's point of view, it will be helpful for you to remember the following facts.
   • Egocentrism, or belief in one's own point of view as the only correct one, is a normal component of a teenager's cognitive development.
   • The child's brain gradually develops in order to subsequently overcome egocentrism, but in adolescence this process is not yet complete. For example, when a child at the age of three stands in front of the TV and watches what is happening on the screen, he does not yet realize that the rest of those present in the room do not see the same picture through his body. In adolescence, an understanding of some things comes, but the development process is still ongoing.
   • The adolescent brain develops in a way that allows him to take a completely new look at abstract concepts for the first time. But without the wisdom that comes over the years, and without the cognitive ability to weed out some of the conclusions that abstract thinking leads to a teenager, everything around him seems unfair to him.
   • This is why a teenager is incredibly frustrated with things that seem completely irrelevant from an adult's point of view. In any case, remember that during adolescence, your child's brain continues to develop important cognitive functions that will ultimately enable him to understand the adult thought process.

Part 2 of 4: Responding to Bad Behavior

1. 1 Don't ignore bad behavior. While parenting requires total honest commitment from parents, there is a big difference between staying calm and letting your teen behave badly. Although you should not get into a fight with your child every time he says something through his teeth or rolls his eyes, you should regularly start conversations with him that this behavior is unacceptable.
   • Decide for yourself what kind of behavior you will tolerate and what kind of behavior you will fight.
   • For example, you can allow non-verbal disrespect in the form of ostentatious sighs or rolling eyes, but prohibit verbal rudeness and bickering.
2. 2 Be clear about your expectations. If a child does not see clear boundaries of acceptable behavior in a family environment, then he will not be able to observe them in any way. A good way to establish barriers is to create a clear, written agreement to punish specific types of punishment for arguing with parents and other types of bad behavior. While conflict can be tiring for everyone, it is very important that you initiate verbal communication when the child breaks the agreement. Try to intelligibly explain to the teenager that it was in his behavior or words that crossed the line between acceptable behavior and problematic disrespect for adults. For example, you can use the phrases below.
   • Say, “It's perfectly okay for you to tell me that you are too tired to clean your room right now. I understand that you have a very large workload at school.However, it is unacceptable to raise your voice at me, and this will always be punished. ”
   • Or say this: "You may not be able to control yourself when you roll your eyes, but you are able not to raise your voice or sarcastic. It goes beyond all boundaries."
   • You can also say, “I understand your upset feelings about putting you under house arrest. but you are not allowed to speak disrespectfully to me. "
3. 3 Establish specific penalties for bad behavior. If you use punishment haphazardly, the teenager will not have a clear idea of ​​the consequences of his disrespectful behavior. Explain to your child what kind of punishment awaits him for specific types of bad behavior, so that he understands the consequences well. For example, you can use the following ideas.
   • Tell your child: "I understand that you are very young and sometimes you lose control over yourself. However, if you raise your voice at us twice in a week, we will halve the amount of pocket money given to you."
   • Or report the following: "Using swear words leads to a week of house arrest with no exceptions."
4. 4 Be consistent in your punishment. You may think that you will have to give punishment all day if you react to all cases of bad behavior in a teenager, but no one said that parenting would be easy! If you use punishment irregularly, sometimes skipping bad behavior and sometimes punishing, you will give your teen mixed signals and confuse him. Teens are always trying to push the boundaries that are set for them, so those boundaries must be unwavering.
   • For example, tell your child: "You know perfectly well that for two cases of raising your voice in this house, your pocket money will be cut. Immediately cool down your ardor, otherwise you yourself will see what will happen next."
   • "The promise not to argue with me did not stop you from just starting to argue with me. You know about the consequences of your behavior. And only you yourself are responsible for your behavior."
5. 5 Don't make concessions for no particular reason. If your child does something on prom day that deserves house arrest, you can postpone his punishment until next week. After all, you want to teach him a lesson, not rob him of an important life experience. In ordinary situations, you should not introduce the practice of using indulgences. The desire to go out with friends is not a sufficient reason to change the established principles of punishment for misbehavior.
6. 6 Impose productive punishments in response to bad behavior. For a teenager, simple house arrest and allowing him to chill out in his room does not necessarily contribute to good behavior. Some teens even enjoy quiet, lazy idleness at home. Instead, use disciplines that teach your child a lesson in life. For example, you can use the following ideas.
   • Tell the offended teenager the following: “I understand that you are upset that you did not get the computer game that you want. But you need to understand that there is a big difference between what you want and what you deserve. Everyone deserves a roof over their heads, clothes, food, love from their loved ones, but not everyone has that too.On the weekend, you and I will volunteer in the homeless cafeteria so that you realize how much you have that you should follow be grateful".
   • In response to foul language, say, "I don't think you even understand how offensive words can be, so your punishment will be to write an essay on the history of swear words. Prove to me that you understand the power of the words you utter."
   • Answer the disrespectful attitude as follows: “I believe that you have some problems with productive communication with me. I want you to write me a letter about what you think about it, and take the time to make this letter written in a respectful tone. "
7. 7 Remove privileges from the child if necessary. Be prepared to resent the child if you decide to take something from the teenager that he values. In any case, doing this will tell your teenager in the most effective way that you will not tolerate certain behaviors from him. The choice of the type of privilege that you will deprive a teenager depends on the preferences of the child himself - try to find something that he values ​​most and least wants to lose in the foreseeable future.
   • For example, you can deprive a teenager of a cell phone, laptop, TV, and so on.
   • Set the exact time when the privilege should be returned. The fulfillment of the terms of restoration of the privilege should be based on good behavior during the period of the punishment.
   • Tell your child, "The next time you behave the same way, you will be deprived of the privilege for (x) days longer. The sentence will increase each time you behave this way."

Part 3 of 4: Encouraging Good Behavior

1. 1 Encourage good behavior. Don't wait to reward good behavior until the child upsets you in some way. When a teen makes you proud of him or makes your life easier by washing the dishes of his own accord or standing up for someone who is wronged, be even more nimble with praise than with how quickly you hand out punishments when a child disappoints you.
   • From a sincere "thank you" with a hug and a kiss, the teenager will want to continue to behave in such a way that he will feel loved and appreciated.
   • Sometimes, if a teenager behaves well in a stressful environment or does not argue with his parents for a long time, you can prepare a special encouragement for him.
   • Rewards can include acquiring something the teenager wants to get (for example, a game), permission to start doing something that the teenager likes (learning to play tennis, playing the guitar, etc.), attending a social event with the teenager ( like a sporting event) or permission to go where you would normally keep your child out (like going to a concert with friends).
2. 2 Bribe your teen's good behavior, but do it wisely. Research into bribery of good behavior in children is confusing, with some claiming it is a good way to develop positive habits, while others say it leads to children who behave well only when promises of some kind of reward. Bribery can be effective, but only if you carefully consider the idea you are going to present to the child.
   • Don't present it as bribery. For example, you might start giving your child pocket money on a regular basis, which will be withdrawn if he is disrespectful to you.
   • Thus, the child will not perceive the reward as bribery for good behavior, but he will be offended by the deprivation of the reward for bad behavior. He will not see the reward as a reward for good behavior, but it will become obvious to him that bad behavior is punished.
3. 3 Become a good listener. A teen's problems may seem trivial compared to an adult's, but your child will be less belligerent if you show them that you care when they are upset. Try to find a way to connect with your child and discuss common issues in adolescence.
   • For example, say, “I remember how difficult it was for me to stay awake in class at your age.Hell, I still have difficulties with this at work. However, your grades are diminishing, so let me share with you a couple of tricks that will help you conserve energy throughout the day. "
   • Or start the following conversation: "There is nothing worse than knowing that your friends are talking about you behind your back. Tell me how you deal with it."
4. 4 Be a role model. Think about how you behave in front of the child. Do you roll your eyes, do you quarrel with your spouse in front of the child? If so, then by doing this you demonstrate to the child that such behavior is acceptable. Children learn by imitating the behavior of those around them. Despite the fact that you cannot completely control the environment around your child (at school, when he watches TV, and so on), you are able to control your own behavior shown to him.
5. 5 Eat at the table all together. Between work, household chores, chatting with friends, internet hobbies, and watching TV, it's hard to get the whole family together at the dinner table. Nevertheless, numerous studies have shown that the practice of regular meal sharing in the family has a proven positive effect on the maintenance of desirable behaviors in children of all ages. Therefore, prioritize family breakfasts, lunches and dinners.
   • Use this time to ask your child about what has happened to him or her recently and what is upsetting him.
   • This will help the child to get rid of the frustration and at the same time feel a stronger bond with their parents.
   • Without regular communication, you will only learn about a child's frustration when negative feelings accumulate and explode, causing unpleasant bickering.

Part 4 of 4: Addressing Serious Behavioral Problems

1. 1 Coordinate your efforts with other adults. As the saying goes, “raising a child requires the efforts of the entire village,” which is largely true. A child comes into contact with many adults, and he probably treats them as disrespectfully as he does you. Talk to them to join forces in setting barriers to acceptable behavior and disciplinary punishment, to systematize the approach used and to cope with the adolescent's behavioral problems.
   • Make an appointment with your child's homeroom teacher to discuss emerging problems at school and to develop a plan of action to address the unwanted behavior.
   • If possible, talk to teachers in specific subjects. Develop a punishment system for bickering at home and at school and communicate it to all teachers.
   • For example, you can ask teachers to notify you of your child's bickering with adults at school, so you can punish them with extra chores, house arrest, and so on.
   • If your child spends a lot of time at a particular friend's home, keep in touch with their parents regularly. If you are comfortable with the parenting practices of these parents and the level of their education, then you can give them permission to punish your child when he misbehaves in their home.
2. 2 Enroll your child in the sports section. According to research data, systematic team sports for a long time can not only bring a child into good physical shape, but also improve academic performance, reduce manifestations of undesirable behavior and increase self-esteem. Team sports will also help your child see a positive, authoritative person in the coach. A good coach will develop healthy social interactions in the team and provide teens with emotional support that they may not want to ask their parents for.What's more, the bond between your child and his teammates will create a sense of belonging and pride (both in the team and in school), which will lead to better concentration and behavioral improvement.
   • Choose a sport that your teen really enjoys. Forcing your child to do something they don't like will not help you influence their behavior.
   • Before putting your child on a team, find out more about the coach. Make an appointment with him to chat. Also talk about the coach with the parents of other children to make sure that the coach's goals for character development are consistent with your goals.
   • Be honest with the coach about the child's behavior problems at home so that he knows what to expect and can prepare a plan to deal with such problems.
   • Demonstrate an interest in your teen's team passion. At every opportunity, attend his games, be an active fan. Rejoice at your victories together and grieve at your losses together.
3. 3 Use family therapy. Even if you believe that the problem lies solely with your child, you, as a parent, need to do serious work to improve your child's behavior. Family therapy sessions with a therapist are recommended for children between the ages of 11 and 18 who have severe behavioral problems, including delinquency and violence. This therapy is built on five elements: engagement, motivation, kinship perspective, behavior change, and generalization.
   • Involvement. In family therapy, the psychologist develops a close relationship between all family members and does so more actively than with other types of therapy. The relationship with the family psychologist himself becomes much closer than with other types of psychological help.
   • Motivation. The psychologist helps to draw a red line between blame and responsibility, which often becomes blurred. The goal is to move family relationships from an environment of mutual blame to an environment of shared hope.
   • A related point of view. Through observations and surveys, the psychologist will conduct an objective analysis of the dynamics of relations between family members. He will try to translate the individual points of view of family members on existing problems into a single family opinion, thanks to which family members feel like one family unit, understand how they function together, instead of focusing on themselves as isolated representatives of the family.
   • Behavior change. The psychologist will teach family members conflict resolution techniques and communication techniques to help them overcome bad moods and family problems in a constructive way.
   • Generalization. You will make a plan for how to transfer the knowledge gained from family therapy into real life outside of therapy.
   • Family therapy usually consists of 12-14 sessions over 3-5 months.
4. 4 Use attachment-based psychotherapy if your child has problems caused by a lack of attachment to their parents. Attachment theory suggests that the relationships that young children develop with their caregivers influence their later behavior during adolescence and adulthood. If you, as parents, have not been able to provide your child with a safe and secure parenting environment, then it is unreasonable to expect that growing up the child will be able to overcome the problems of lack of attachment, even if you have already become more responsible parents.
   • Typically, attachment therapy consists of one to one and a half hour sessions that are held once a week.
   • Classes begin with the question: “Why don't you (the child) turn to the parents in crisis situations or in case of need?”
   • The therapist will meet with family members, both as a group and individually.
   • One-to-one lessons will allow you to extract from the memory of a teenager difficult memories from childhood, which need to be comprehended in order to achieve a positive change in behavior.
   • Working out with parents on their own will help them cope with attachment problems, which they may also suffer from and which may affect the child.
   • Full-fledged family activities will serve as a place for honest, open communication with each other and for developing a plan to improve the family atmosphere.

Tips

• Teenagers can say very hurtful things because they don't think about the consequences. As a parent, it is your responsibility to explain to your child the consequences of being rude to other people.
• Remain calm, do not show irrational, aggressive or impulsive outbursts of anger!
• Remember that in most cases, the rudeness of a teenager is due to changes in hormonal levels. Do not take his words seriously, as most likely the child does not really mean them at all.

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