Content

• Steps
• Part 1 of 2: Make a decision
• Part 2 of 2: How to End a Relationship
• Tips
• Warnings

Neil Sedaki has a song called "breaking up is hard to do" and this statement is absolutely true for most people. The decision to break off a relationship with a loved one is usually accompanied by severe stress and an unpleasant sediment on the soul of both partners. But, in fact, this stress and pain can be reduced by taking the time to think about the situation and assess how the right step will be this decision. If a breakup is unavoidable, do it in a respectful and discreet manner.

Steps

Part 1 of 2: Make a decision

1. 1 Don't make rash decisions. It is very important to reevaluate your decision when you are calm, in control of your emotions, and are able to reason reasonably. This approach can help you avoid impulsive decisions that not only can hurt other people's feelings, but also make you regret the step later.
   • It’s much harder to deal with a problem when you’re upset too much, and strong emotions can lead you to make bad decisions.
2. 2 Explain why you want to break up. It is very important for yourself to understand the reason why you want to end the relationship with this person. This approach will help you distinguish everyday difficulties and troubles from really serious and uncontrollable problems in your relationship with your partner.
   • It is up to you to decide which problems can be called too serious and have no other solution, and only you can decide which of the difficulties you are ready to cope with. For example, if your partner treats other people badly, if he does not want children, although you dream about it, problems of this kind can hardly be solved somehow. On the other hand, if you are annoyed with your partner's simple unwillingness to help you around the house and at home, this problem can be solved.
   • Remember that there are disagreements and conflicts in every couple, but if these quarrels take place on a global scale, if a person acts mean and disgusting during a quarrel, most likely this indicates deeper problems in the relationship between partners and their incompatibility.
   • If you are in a painful and unhealthy relationship with your partner, if you are physically or verbally abused in a relationship, this is a sure sign that it is time to end the relationship.
3. 3 Make a list of your partner's positive and negative qualities. Also consider writing a list of reasons why you want to end the relationship. In the first list, in addition to the qualities of a partner, you can also include the positive and negative aspects and situations in your relationship with your partner.
   • It may be easier for you to focus on the positive aspects of your relationship if you see them written on paper - you will not dwell on the negative aspects of the relationship just because they match your negative feelings at the moment.
   • A rational list can also help you avoid making such a big decision to break up just because "I have a feeling this will be the right move."
   • Remember that any form of humiliation, violence, or other form of abuse is an objective reason to end the relationship.
   • Take another look at the resulting list, think it over and ask yourself, is it possible to say that the relationship with this partner is more ruining your life (making it more difficult) instead of making it better?
4. 4 Decide if you can somehow save your relationship by changing certain things? If you're just upset about your partner's behavior, consider if there is a way to influence the course of your relationship with your partner.Before making a final decision, try to fully concentrate on whether it is possible to solve the problems that have arisen in the relationship (and how exactly). This approach is more rational than the idea that a breakup will solve all your problems. If there really is an opportunity to save the relationship by changing some things, find out if your partner is ready to participate in solving your problems with him and take certain measures.
   • If this or that issue has already been discussed with your partner more than once, but the discussions have not borne any fruit, if your relationship has not changed for the better, if you feel that the relationship does not satisfy you, it hurts you, if you feel cheated, then the best way is to end this vicious circle - to end such a painful relationship.
5. 5 Share your feelings with your partner. Before making your final decision about breaking up, talk to your partner about your concerns, observations, and considerations. Give your partner one last chance to change everything. If you eventually decide to end the relationship, this blow will no longer be so unexpected and abrupt, because you have already expressed your displeasure and your disappointment to your partner.
   • If you wait for a long time and accumulate your negative emotions and disappointment, at some point all these emotions will "shoot" in the most unexpected and hardly pleasant way for you.
   • Try to politely and calmly explain to your partner what is bothering you. Don't shout, insult or blame him.
   • If your partner cheated you, betrayed you, or harmed you in any way, don't feel the need to share your feelings with your partner or give that person a chance to change.
6. 6 Set a reasonable time frame for any kind of relationship change. You don't want the chance to do something turned into an endless chain of hope and disappointment. By identifying the time period during which you expect any changes from your partner, you will make it easier for yourself to make a decision in the future.
   • You can voice your decision to your partner about the period of time during which you are willing to wait, or you can not explain anything. However, keep in mind that if you decide to put the question bluntly (for example, the ultimatum "we will not part if you quit smoking by the beginning of next month"), the partner may agree to your terms, but in the near future, he will most likely return to the old habits.
   • Make sure that this ultimatum really benefits you. In most cases, ultimatums don't work. However, in some situations, they are necessary to maintain the strength of your relationship. For example, you can say: "So that there are no problems in our relationship with you, I need to see that you are making a certain effort to smoke less and less often than now." On the other hand, ultimatums like "You have to want kids too" don't work. They can only harm the relationship and cause guilt.
   • Some people take quite a long time to somehow change the behavior to which they have long been accustomed. For example, some smokers take months or even years to quit smoking. Give your partner time to put in some effort and deal with certain habits.
7. 7 Discuss your situation with someone you trust. If you find it difficult to figure out the situation on your own, share your feelings and thoughts with someone you trust. This will help you analyze everything, sort out your feelings and have a generally more objective idea of ​​how things are at the moment. In addition, your friend (or trusted partner) can help you see your partner's behavior from a different perspective.
   • You can discuss this situation with a friend, with someone from your family, and even with a psychologist.
   • It is important to know that the person will not betray your trust and will not discuss this situation with outsiders. You also need to make sure he doesn't treat your partner differently.
8. 8 Make your final decision. After you have considered all the ambiguous moments of your relationship, discussed them with your partner and gave your relationship another chance (in situations where it is generally acceptable), make a final decision about the future fate of this relationship. This step will help you start moving on and plan how to part ways with your partner in a respectful, calm, and honest way (or how to focus on rebuilding your relationship with your partner if you've made a different decision).
   • Remember, your decision should be based on what you think is best for you and not for someone else.

Part 2 of 2: How to End a Relationship

1. 1 Choose the right time to tell your partner your decision to break up. This is the best and most honest way to end a relationship - by talking to your partner in person, giving your arguments. Choosing a convenient time and a quiet, peaceful place where you and your partner can be alone will simplify the process and minimize any distractions.
   • It is best to choose time outside of school or work day so that the person has the opportunity to be alone with himself and he does not need to return to the team and communicate with other people immediately after breaking up with you.
   • You can hint your partner a little about the approximate topic of your conversation so that the person is mentally prepared and does not feel that he has been taken by surprise. For example, you can say something like this: "I would like to talk to you about the status of our relationship somewhere in a quiet, calm atmosphere."
2. 2 Find the right place to break up. Most likely, you will want to be alone with your partner so as not to embarrass yourself or him. In addition, you need to choose a place from which you can leave at any time and with ease, so that your conversation does not turn into a protracted and difficult conversation.
   • If you don't feel safe next to your partner, it is best to announce the breakup somewhere in a public place (or take a friend with you to the meeting who can protect you if something happens, but will not interfere. into conversation).
   • If you and your partner live together, the breakup is likely to be problematic and stressful for both of you. In this case, the decision - to pack your things and move out immediately, or to wait a while - depends only on you.
   • If you do not feel safe, if you are uncomfortable staying under the same roof with this person, make sure in advance that you have a place where you can live for some time. You can collect and move your belongings until your partner is at home, and then, when he gets home, talk about everything and leave. Or you can part and leave, taking the most necessary things, and after a while, when both of you have already calmed down, return for the rest of the things.
3. 3 Plan the conversation ahead of time. Think about what you want to say to the person. A basic conversation plan can help you get rid of over-emotionality by allowing you to be in control of the situation. Plus, a thoughtful course of action will make it easier for you to refrain from hurting the person's feelings more than necessary.
   • In fact, the conversation about breaking up can drag on and be much longer than you planned, especially if your partner is devastated and completely overwhelmed by the news. Many such conversations are protracted due to the fact that certain moments and situations are discussed and chewed over and over again. Therefore, consider setting a specific time limit.
   • Be honest with your partner, but don't be rude or cruel.When you explain why you can no longer stay in the relationship, you can remind the person of what attracted you to him at the very beginning of the relationship, highlight some of his strengths and good qualities.
   • For example, you can say, "I was really attracted by your openness and kindness when our relationship was just beginning. But now, I'm afraid I understand that you and I have completely different goals in life, so it will be difficult for us to continue to be a couple."
4. 4 Communicate your decision to break up in a private conversation. Of course, it’s much easier to break up with someone if you don’t have to look them in the eye, for example, on the phone, through correspondence on social networks, or via SMS. But, in fact, such a conversation cannot be called respectful and honest. Of course, this does not apply if you just live too far from each other and do not want to wait until the next meeting, as well as if you are afraid of your partner. Treat this conversation with respect, because your partner and your relationship with him deserve it.
   • Telling your partner about the desire to break up in person, you help him realize that you are serious.
5. 5 Remain calm and respectful for your partner. Sit next to your partner and communicate your decision to end your relationship. Approach this conversation as calmly and neutral as possible so that this difficult process does not become even more negative and destructive for both of you.
   • Don't say anything bad about your partner, especially something that you will regret later. Remember that bad things can come back and hurt you and your feelings in the future. For example, you definitely shouldn't say: "Look, buddy, it looks like you don't have the slightest idea about personal hygiene, and I just hate being around you." Instead, say, "The thing is, you and I seem to have completely different styles and rhythms of life, and they are unlikely to be compatible."
   • Do your best to control your emotions. This will help you minimize the feelings of guilt you may have and will also help you stay true to your decision.
   • You can say: "I think you are a wonderful person. You really have many positive qualities and strengths that will definitely make some girl happy, but they are incompatible with what is important to me in a relationship, with the way I imagine them to be." ...
6. 6 Focus on the relationship problem, not the person. Talk about what is not right for you in this relationship, not what is wrong with your partner. If you blame your partner for all the problems and get personal, the situation will only get worse.
   • For example, instead of saying, "You're too jealous and insecure," it's better to say, "I need more independence and freedom in my relationship."
   • Also, you should not make the person himself the main reason for the breakdown of relations. For example, if you say a seemingly innocent phrase, "You deserve more," your partner will take the opportunity and claim that you are the perfect match for him, and there is no reason to doubt that and end the relationship. Therefore, it is better to say: "It seems to me that you and I want different things from life. Take at least a career: I want to become a scientist, and this requires endless trips, business trips and a lot of time alone."
7. 7 Try not to give the person false hopes. Some common phrases and words can leave a person with false hopes that you can still get everything back. Leaving the door open will only hurt yourself and your partner even more.
   • For example, you may not even suspect, but phrases such as: "We will discuss this later", - or: "I would like to remain friends / I still do not want you to leave my life" - leave the door open , and the person hopes that everything will turn out to be fixed, that in the end everything will be all right.
   • Find a way to calmly and without rudeness say that you no longer need to communicate.It can be said that such a decision will help both of you to recover from the breakup faster.
   • In the event that you want to remain friends, please let us know in the conversation. Perhaps both of you will find that breaking up is the best way out of the situation. Either way, be honest about your future friendships with this person, about your expectations and needs.
8. 8 Try to anticipate your partner's reaction. Prepare to respond to your partner's arguments, reactions, and possible outbursts of anger. This will help you stick to your decision and minimize the potential risk of being manipulated by your partner. Prepare for the following points:
   • To questions. Most likely, the partner will want to know why you do not want more relationship with him, if there is something that he can do to prevent separation. Answer these questions and be as honest as possible.
   • Sobbing and crying. Perhaps your partner will be really very upset and will not hesitate to show it. Of course, you can help him calm down and cheer him up, but don't let yourself be manipulated and don't change your mind.
   • Dispute. Be prepared for the fact that your partner may try to challenge everything you have said about the reasons for the breakup, including examples of situations from your relationship that did not suit you. You should not enter into another conflict and fight for details that no longer matter much in the overall outcome of events. Let your partner understand that no amount of disputes and conflicts will change your decision. If the person is trying to get into an argument with you, just say, "I don't want to argue and swear, if you don't stop, I'll just leave."
   • Bargaining or pleading. It is highly likely that your partner will offer an exchange: roughly speaking, he changes or changes something in your relationship, and you abandon the idea of ​​breaking up. But remember, if the person has not changed before, when you (most likely, repeatedly) discussed problems with him, now it is too late to expect any real action from him.
   • Aggressive behavior. Your partner may overstep boundaries and start saying hurtful things to you, trying to "pull the strings" to feel less hurt. If your ex is insulting you, just take note of his behavior and continue with what you came for. You can say: "Of course, I can say that you are being too aggressive towards me, but I am not going to tolerate insults, so I think it is better to end this conversation." Threats of harm are especially dangerous. If this happens, leave immediately.
9. 9 Move away. This is one of the most difficult but most important steps in the process of ending a relationship. Try to minimize your interactions with your ex and their friends - this will help reduce feelings of guilt and also keep your ex from giving false hopes.
   • If you have children in common with this person, you will not be able to completely distance yourself from him. Try to maintain a civilized relationship with your ex and prioritize the welfare of your children.
   • It may be a good idea to remove your ex-partner's phone number and email address from your mobile and computer.
   • If you live together, try to move out as soon as possible. If you can't move out right away, find someone to stay with for a while. Don't forget to collect your belongings. This whole unpleasant process with the return for things will only complicate the separation.
   • Perhaps, after a while you will realize that you may well remain on friendly terms with this person. In this case, be sure to define personal boundaries for any relationship and communication in the future.

Tips

• If you are confident that you want to end the relationship with the person, it is best to do so as soon as possible.But if your partner is having a terrible day, chances are it's best to wait for a better moment to have this conversation. Reporting a breakup when the person is already depressed can make the process harder and more painful for both of you.
• Never decide to break up in the heat of the moment. If your relationship is already really dead, if nothing will restore it, it will not change over time, when the anger and resentment pass. Decide to break up when both of you are calm and able to talk things over peacefully. It is at such a moment that you have a chance to complete everything with dignity.

Warnings

• Always take any physical threats and abuse seriously. Try to leave as soon as possible or contact the police if necessary.