How to recognize manipulator behavior

Video: 8 Signs of a Manipulative Personality

Content

Steps
Method 1 of 3: Behavior
Method 2 of 3: Communication Manners
Method 3 of 3: Communicating with a manipulator
Tips
Additional articles

Manipulate means trying to indirectly influence someone's behavior or actions. Manipulation does not have to be good or bad: a person can try to manipulate others, either with the best intentions or in order to force the other person to do something illegal. Manipulation is always covert and often directed at our weak points, so it is difficult to identify it. The cunning accompanying manipulation is subtle and easy to overlook, because it is often hidden behind a sense of duty, love, or habit.However, it is possible to detect signs of manipulation and not succumb to it.

Steps

Method 1 of 3: Behavior

1 Note if the other person is trying to make sure you always speak first. Manipulators want to hear us first to determine our strengths and weaknesses. You will be asked leading questions, when answering which you will express your point of view and feelings. Typically, these questions begin with “what”, “why” and “how”. The answer and reaction of the interlocutor will depend on the information he receives.
- If your interlocutor wants to hear you first, this does not always mean that he is trying to manipulate you. There are other factors to consider as well.
- The manipulator tries to talk about himself as little as possible and listen to you more.
- If this behavior is observed in most cases, it may indicate that they are trying to manipulate you.
- Even if it seems to you that the person is sincerely interested in you, remember that such inquiries may have a hidden background. If the interlocutor avoids direct answers to your questions and tries to quickly move the conversation to another topic, this may indicate that he is insincere.
2 See if the other person is trying to please you. Some people have a natural charm, and manipulators try to use this for their own purposes. The manipulator can praise you before asking for anything. He may also make a small gift, after which he will ask you for a favor.
- For example, someone might give you a great dinner and talk to you affectionately before asking for a loan or helping with a job.
- While this behavior is often not dangerous, remember that you are not obligated to do something just because someone is treating you kindly.
3 Pay attention to attempts to coerce. The manipulator may try to coerce you into something through intimidation and threats. In an attempt to get his way, he can shout, criticize and insult the interlocutor. You may hear from him “If you don’t do this, then I ...” or “I won’t do it until you ...”. The manipulator can use such tactics not only in order to force the interlocutor to certain actions, but also in return for the promise to stop doing something.
4 Pay attention to how the person deals with facts. If the other person is too loose with facts to convince you of something, they may be trying to manipulate you. A person may lie, under-speak, hold onto information, pretend to be ignorant, or exaggerate. A manipulator can also pretend to be an expert on a subject and bombard you with facts and statistics. In doing so, he will try to seem much more knowledgeable than you.
5 Pay attention if the interlocutor constantly introduces himself martyr or a victim. In doing so, a person can do something that you did not ask him to do, and then refer to it. After “doing a service,” he expects you to try to repay it, and if you don’t, he may start complaining.
- The manipulator can also complain and say: "Nobody loves me (I am sick, I am humiliated, and the like)" in an attempt to evoke your sympathy, so that they can then use it for their own purposes.
6 Consider whether a good attitude towards you depends on something in particular. The manipulator can be kind and affectionate with you if you do what he needs, but this attitude will change dramatically if you do not live up to his expectations. It seems that this type of manipulator has two faces: an angel mask, when he wants to please you, and a frightening appearance, when he needs you to be afraid of him. Everything goes great only as long as you live up to expectations.
- Sometimes it seems that you are walking on a razor blade and are afraid of angering the manipulator.
7 Observe typical behavior. All people try to manipulate from time to time, but manipulators do it all the time.The manipulator has a hidden goal, and he deliberately tries to use the other person in order to achieve power, control or some other advantage at his expense. If this behavior occurs regularly, you may be in front of a manipulator.
- The manipulator rarely takes into account your rights and interests, they are not important to him.
- Be aware that mental illness or disability can play a role. For example, someone who is depressed may not have the intention of manipulating you, and people with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder often forget to check their email. With these and a number of other disorders, it may seem that the patient is trying to manipulate you, although this is not so.

Method 2 of 3: Communication Manners

1 Mark if you are being rebuked or judged. A common method of manipulation is to find fault with the person and make him feel guilty. No matter what you do, the manipulator will always find something to complain about. Whatever you do, something will be wrong. Instead of giving advice and constructive criticism, the manipulator will only point out to you your shortcomings.
- This behavior can be expressed in the form of sarcasm and jokes. The manipulator can make fun of your clothes and appearance, the way you drive a car, your place of work, your family, or anything else. While such remarks are often made as a joke, they can be quite painful. At the same time, you are the object of ridicule, the purpose of which is to undermine your faith in yourself.
2 Pay attention to the periods of silence. The manipulator can use silence to gain control over you. He may not pick up the phone or answer your text messages and emails for a long time. This is done to make you feel insecure or to punish you for "wrong behavior". This behavior is different from simply trying to cool off before resuming communication, and is used to make you feel helpless.
- A period of silence can be either provoked by your actions or start for no apparent reason. If the manipulator wants you to feel insecure, he may suddenly stop communicating with you.
- If you inquire about the reasons for the silence, the manipulator may answer that everything is in order or declare that you are paranoid and you are asking stupid questions.
3 Recognize the guilt trap. This technique is to make you feel responsible for the behavior of the manipulator. It puts you in control of the other person's emotions: their joy, success or failure, anger, and so on. As a result, you will feel obligated to do something that is wanted of you, even if it seems wrong to you.
- The guilt trap is often preceded by statements such as "If you could understand me better, then ...", "If you really love me ..." or "I did it for you, why don't you want to do it for me?" " (and this is said about what you did not ask for).
- If you agree to do something that you normally would not do (or that you don’t like), you may be a victim of manipulation.
4 Notice if you have to constantly apologize. The manipulator can make it seem to you that you are to blame for something. He can blame you for something you didn't do, or he can make you responsible for a situation. For example, you made an appointment at 1:00 pm, but the person was two hours late. In response to your reproaches, he says: "Yes, you are right. I am doing everything wrong. I do not even know why you continue to communicate with me, I do not deserve it." As a result, you soften and change the topic of the conversation.
- In addition, the manipulator misinterprets your words in the worst possible way, which makes you have to apologize for them.
5 Pay attention to the fact that you are constantly being compared to other people. When trying to force you to do something, the manipulator may declare that you are worse than someone else. He may call you a stupid person if you refuse to do what he wants. This is designed to make you feel guilty and still force you to do what you are asked to do.
- When compared with others, the following phrases may sound: "Anyone else in your place would do it", "If I asked Maria, she would do it" or "Except for you, everyone else thinks it is normal."

Method 3 of 3: Communicating with a manipulator

1 Know how to say "no" at the right time. The person will continue to manipulate you as long as you allow him to do so. To protect yourself from manipulation, you should say "no" in time. Stand in front of a mirror and practice saying "No, I can't do this" or "No, this is not for me." You must be able to defend yourself so that you are treated with due respect.
- You shouldn't feel guilty when you say no. You have every right to do this.
- You can refuse politely enough. If the manipulator asks you for something, try responding: "I would do it, but I'm very busy in the coming months" or "Thanks for the offer, but no."
2 Set appropriate boundaries. If the manipulator discovers that you succumb to his persuasion and cunning, he will try to win your favor in order to use you in the future. In this case, he will rely on his "helplessness" and will try to get financial, emotional or any other help from you. Notice phrases such as “You are the only one I have,” “I have no one else to talk to,” and so on. You have your own life, and you don't have to help this person all the time.
- If you hear from a person the phrase: "I have no one else to talk to," try to contrast it with specific examples:
  - "Do you remember Anna had a long talk with you yesterday afternoon? And Maria said that she is always happy to talk to you on the phone. I am glad to talk with you for 5 minutes, but then I have an important meeting that I cannot miss."
3 Don't blame yourself. The manipulator will try to make you feel guilty. Remember that they are trying to manipulate you to make you feel guilty and that you are not the problem. If you feel wrong, take a closer look at what is happening and check your emotions again.
- Ask yourself: "Is this person showing respect for me?", "Is he making reasonable demands and expectations?"
- If the answer to these questions is no, then the problems in your relationship are most likely related to the manipulator, and not to you.
4 Be persistent. Manipulators often twist and distort facts in order to present themselves in a more favorable light. Respond with persistence and strive to clarify the facts. Explain that you have memorized the facts differently and that you would like to better understand what exactly happened. Ask the other person simple questions and try to identify points of contact. When you find out what you agree on, take that as a starting point for further thinking. For example:
- Your interlocutor says: "You won't lure me into these meetings anymore. You use them only for your own benefit, and you always leave me to be eaten by sharks."
- Answer as follows: "This is not true. I thought you were ready to tell investors about your ideas. If I heard that you made a mistake, I would immediately intervene, but it seemed to me that you did an excellent job."
5 Listen to yourself. You need to listen to your inner voice and pay attention to your feelings.Do you feel that you are being overwhelmed and forced to do something that you would not like? Does this happen regularly when communicating with this person and does he require all new support and help from you after the first concession? Try to answer these questions to find out where your relationship with this person is leading.
6 Get over the guilt trap. That being said, one of the key points is to remember that the sooner you do this, the better. Do not fall for tricks and do not allow the interlocutor's interpretation of your behavior to determine the situation. Otherwise, the manipulator will try to convince you that you are disrespectful, untrustworthy, inappropriate, not kind enough, and so on.
- In response to the phrase: "You do not notice all that I have done for you!" try answering, "I really appreciate what you do for me. I have said this many times. But now it seems to me that you do not appreciate my efforts."
- Loosen the influence of the manipulator. Do not follow the lead if he tries to accuse you of indifference and bad attitude towards himself.
7 Shift your attention to the manipulator. Instead of making excuses and answering the manipulator's questions, take control of the situation into your own hands. If you are being pressured to do something wrong or not to your liking, ask the person clarifying questions.
- Ask the interlocutor: "Do you think this is fair to me?", "Do you think it makes sense?", "What will give it to me?"
- Such questions can cool the ardor of the manipulator and force him to abandon his intentions.
8 Don't make hasty decisions. The manipulator may try to pressure you and demand a quick solution or response. Instead, say, "I'll think about it." This will save you from hasty and thoughtless decisions, and the manipulator will not be able to drive you into a corner.
- If the offer disappears after a while, it may mean that no one expected you to accept it. after deliberation. If you are being pushed into a hasty decision, the best answer is "No thanks."
9 Choose the right social circle. Pay more attention to normal relationships and try to connect with pleasant people you trust. These can be family members, friends, teachers, a loved one, or like-minded people you met on the Internet. These people will help you feel like you are. Do not deny yourself the luxury of communication!
10 Try to stay away from the manipulator. If you find that it becomes difficult or unsafe for you to communicate with the manipulator, distance yourself from him. You don't have to re-educate such a person. If this is a member of your family or a colleague and you have to be around, try to keep communication to the necessary minimum.

Tips

Manipulation can manifest itself in all types of relationships, including romantic, family, or friendships.
Pay attention to behavioral patterns. You will be able to identify the manipulator if you are able to anticipate his behavior and recognize his goals.
If you encounter a manipulator, stop communicating with him or ask for help from someone who is familiar with this behavior.