Content

• Steps
• Part 1 of 2: Taking love from yourself
• Part 2 of 2: Embracing the Love of Others
• Tips
• Warnings

There are many reasons why you may feel uncomfortable accepting love. Perhaps accepting someone's love makes you afraid of getting burned. Or you are disgusted with yourself, and therefore consider yourself unworthy of the love of another person. No matter why you are afraid to accept love, it is not too late for you to open yourself to the opportunities that love and the feeling of love of a loved one give us.

Steps

Part 1 of 2: Taking love from yourself

1. 1 Self-compassion concept. Self-compassion is about developing acceptance and self-compassion. Self-compassion is critical to your ability to love others and accept their love. According to experts, self-compassion has three elements:
   • Kindness to yourself. Sometimes we are told that the manifestation of acceptance and understanding towards oneself leads to selfishness and narcissism, but think for yourself: if your friend made a mistake, will you constantly remind him how badly he did, or will you try to understand the mistake? Treat yourself with the same kindness that you show towards others.
   • General humanity. It is quite easy for a person to believe that he does not have a sense of guilt and the presence of flaws, but pain and mistakes are an irreplaceable part of what makes us human. Realizing that you are not the only person who makes mistakes or feels pain will help you feel connected to the people around you.
   • Mindfulness. Mindfulness has a lot to do with meditation. It is the idea of ​​recognizing and accepting the experience gained without further evaluating it. For example, if you often have thoughts like, “I’m so ugly, no one will ever love me,” then with the mindfulness approach, you’ll get the following: “I feel unattractive. This is just one of the many feelings that will visit me today. " Acknowledging the moments when you experience negative thoughts can help you channel them in a different direction.
2. 2 There are also some myths about self-compassion that need to be dispelled. We are often taught that self-acceptance is self-empowerment or self-centeredness, and sometimes even more lazy. And that's not all, they say, perfectionism and self-criticism are rewarding and productive activities. In fact, this is not the case, such actions are often based on fear.
   • Self-pity is different from self-compassion. Self-pity involves experiencing the feeling of "poor me, poor" when things take a nasty turn. For example: “My colleague is credited with more credit for our project than me. I'm always unlucky. " Pity forces you to focus on your problems, thereby creating a feeling of inferiority. The self-compassionate thought would be: “My colleague and I have been working tirelessly on this project. I feel like I've done a great job and it doesn't matter what others think. "
   • Self-compassion is not laziness. Accepting yourself does not mean that you do not want to become better, but only that you will not torture yourself by making mistakes. Expressing love for yourself will help you express it to other people.
   • Self-flagellation and taking responsibility for your mistakes are not the same thing. A self-compassionate person can admit their mistakes without feeling like a terrible person. Research has shown that, in practice, self-compassionate people tend more toward self-improvement.
3. 3 Understand the difference between self-compassion and self-worth. Even if at first glance these two concepts are similar, they have some significant differences. Self-esteem is what you think and feel about yourself and is an important characteristic of a healthy and happy person. However, she tends to be influenced by surrounding recognition.For example, you might feel attractive when you compliment your appearance. The essence of self-compassion is accepting yourself with all your shortcomings and treating yourself with kindness and understanding.
   • Psychological research has shown that self-esteem is not a reliable indicator of a person's success and abilities. Sometimes it is the self-confident people who understand the situation the least.
4. 4 Fight shame. Shame will hurt us tremendously, and it’s easy to cause shame in us. Shame is a deep, enduring belief that for some reason we are unworthy of love, time, attention. But despite this, shame often has nothing to do with us or our actions - it is an internal decision.
   • You must be aware of your thoughts and feelings towards yourself. Sometimes, shame manifests itself as a feeling that you don't deserve love. Sometimes he represents a fear of revealing himself to people, fear of losing them because of this. These sensations are as common as they are destructive. You must convince yourself that you deserve love.
5. 5 Practice self-acceptance. For most people, this will be a daunting task, since we often perceive self-criticism as a positive trait (it helps to work harder, strive for excellence, etc.). However, there are some steps you can take to improve your ability to accept yourself.
   • Remind yourself of your strengths. We are used to creating a list of our failures, and people tend to remember negative events and emotions better than positive ones. Take some time each day to write down something positive about yourself. It doesn't matter at first whether you believe yourself or not. Get in the habit of thinking positively about yourself, and then you are more likely to believe what you write.
   • Depersonalize your failures. Nothing is easier than succumbing to thoughts like, "I'm a failure" if you don't succeed, but summing up like this depreciates you and stimulates shame. Instead, try thinking along these lines: “I didn't succeed in _____, but I gave it my best.”
   • Remind yourself that you are human. Perfectionism can have devastating effects on our perception of ourselves. Try to look in the mirror and say to yourself, “I am human. And people, as you know, are imperfect. There is nothing wrong".
6. 6 Understand that vulnerability, weakness, and error are part of the human experience. And sometimes you will do things that you will later regret. It doesn't matter what you do - get a bad grade on a test, insult a friend's feelings, or vent your resentment at your boss. However, thinking about these negative experiences and berating yourself for them prevents you from discerning life experiences in them.
   • Instead, admit that you are no longer able to change anything, apologize for what you did if you can, and figure out how to act differently in the future.
   • Accepting your mistakes doesn't mean you have to pretend like nothing happened. It also doesn't mean that you shouldn't regret what happened. By accepting responsibility for your actions, you acknowledge your mistakes, but it is the decision to focus on what you can take away from what happened and how to avoid it in the future that turns guilt into growth.

Part 2 of 2: Embracing the Love of Others

1. 1 Determine where your hesitation in accepting love comes from. A person may be uncomfortable with accepting the love of others for a variety of reasons. For some, this is simply an unwanted trait of their character. For others, it is a past history of abuse or trauma that has caused a person to close in on themselves, wanting to defend themselves, which makes it almost impossible to trust someone so much to accept their love. Understand what is holding you back from accepting love, and you can overcome it.
   • Some people are more reserved than others. Don't confuse emotional restraint with an inability to accept or express love.
   • If before that you were in a relationship that ended badly, or a loved one did not show you the same love and trust that you showed him, it will be difficult for you to accept someone else's love again.
   • It is common for survivors of abuse to experience an inability to trust others. Trust is not easy to rebuild, so take your time. Don't feel guilty if you find it difficult to trust others.
2. 2 Get used to your vulnerability. To achieve intimacy in a relationship, be it with friends or your significant other, you have to get used to feeling vulnerable around the other person. You may be scared to accept this opportunity, but research has shown that without vulnerability, people cannot connect.
   • For example, a lot of what triggers the classic "fear of commitment" comes from the fear of being vulnerable and then hurting you. This attitude is often related to past experiences.
   • Try to accept vulnerability gradually. Start small - say hello to your colleague, say hello to your neighbor, and accept that they may not answer you and that this is okay. You just need to learn how to move forward.
3. 3 Assess the level of vulnerability you are comfortable with. You should pay special attention to the choice of love that you are willing to accept and the level of vulnerability that you are able to handle at the moment, especially if you have had little experience in accepting the love of others or if loved ones have hurt you in the past.
   • For example, accepting an offer from a colleague for a cup of coffee may represent a fairly low level of vulnerability for some people, but a high level for others. The decision to repair a broken friendship is a very high level of vulnerability.
   • It's best to start with small steps first, and that's okay. You will be able to get used to accepting higher levels of vulnerability as well as accepting love more comfortably.
4. 4 Give up the desire to control everything. When you are in a relationship with another person, be it a colleague, friend, or significant other, you must remember that you are connected with a unique person with your own feelings and thoughts. You cannot and should not control the actions and emotions of other people, otherwise in the end it will harm all participants in the relationship. Admitting that you cannot control the other person means that you are ready for the fact that he can hurt you, but also that you can find out how loving they can be if you allow them to express yourself.
5. 5 Find people who accept you for who you are. It can be difficult to accept yourself if the people around you constantly criticize you or ask you to change. It is much easier to accept love from friends and soulmates who take you for who you are, love you unconditionally, and don't constantly criticize or feel ashamed of you.
6. 6 Remember your right to say no. While many studies show that people who are open to vulnerability and acceptance of love from others are generally happier and more resilient than others, you don't have to accept love from everyone. Always remember that you can and should ask others to respect your privacy.
   • The other person must respect the boundaries you set. People who regularly ignore or reject your requests hardly give a damn about your feelings.
7. 7 Learn to recognize when moral bullying is hidden behind “love”. Sometimes people try to control someone by manipulating their feelings of love. Moral bullying takes many forms, but learning to recognize the warning signs can help you determine when an offering of love can enrich your life, and when it is just an attempt to manipulate you.
   • A common humiliation tactic is to make love dependent on your actions. This can manifest itself in such manipulations as: "If you really love me, then ..." or "I love you, but ...".
   • Another tactic of humiliation uses the threat of ending love to get what you want. For example, "If you are not ____, I will no longer be able to love you."
   • Abusers can also play on your insecurities to persuade you to obey them, for example by telling you that "no one will love you the way I do," or "no one needs you if I leave you."
   • If you are experiencing this in your relationship, you should seek advice or help. Moral bullying is not normal and you don't deserve to be treated like that.

Tips

• As with any skill, learning to embrace love takes time and practice. You may not want to open your heart to the whole world at once, and this is not unusual.
• The more you try to accept and love yourself, the better you will be able to accept the love of loved ones.

Warnings

• Individuals who try to manipulate or control you with "love" as a weapon or threat engage in moral bullying. You don't deserve to be treated like this. There are resources that can help you, including the Domestic Violence Program Hotline, the National Violence Against Women Resource Center, and the National Rape, Harassment and Incest Network.