Content

• Steps
• Part 1 of 3: Give up defensive tactics
• Part 2 of 3: Hear criticism
• Part 3 of 3: Show Empathy

Taking criticism is not easy. It is doubly difficult if it comes from a partner you love and respect. It is important to understand that criticism is not intended to humiliate and trample you, but to strengthen the relationship. Try not to be defensive, listen carefully, and show empathy.

Steps

Part 1 of 3: Give up defensive tactics

1. 1 Remember, this is not a zero sum game. Nobody likes to hear criticism. It is very difficult to realize that you have not lived up to your partner's expectations. Feelings of unfair accusation, misunderstanding, or vulnerability may arise. It is important to remember why he started this conversation at all.
   • Try to understand that your relationship shouldn't turn into a power struggle. The fact of sincere criticism from your partner does not mean that you are “losing”.
   • Also remember that criticism is not a zero-sum game. The point is to find a compromise and improve the relationship.
2. 2 Don't interrupt. You won't be able to accept criticism from your partner if you don't stop defensively, listen and show empathy. Let your partner speak up. There is no need to interrupt to refute criticism or criticize in return. This is the first sign of defense.
   • Try this trick: Count to ten every time you feel like interrupting your partner. It is very likely that after that the critical moment will pass and your argument will no longer have such significance. If ten seconds is not enough, then count to twenty or thirty.
   • If you interrupt your partner, then apologize and shut up. Stop talking, regret being rude, and let your partner continue.
3. 3 Neutralize other defensive tactics. Man has created a whole arsenal of defensive tactics that allow you to ignore or sweep away criticism. Learn to recognize and neutralize these behaviors early on. This is the only way you can listen to sincere criticism and have an open dialogue.
   • Do you placate or directly deny with the words “Of course, as you wish” or “No, I do not do that at all”? You may be ignoring or sabotaging criticism: “I'm just that kind of person. Deal with it". This behavior will prevent you from accepting sincere criticism.
   • Some defensive tactics are less obvious and rely on manipulation. These can include devaluation (“Why blow an elephant out of a fly?) Or accusation (“ Where does this cruelty come from? What about my feelings? ”). In other cases, the responsibility lies with the criticizing party: "Maybe you should be a little kinder to me?"
   • Pay attention to your other tricks, such as apologies and attempts to neutralize criticism (“I didn't mean to upset you. You got it all wrong”).
4. 4 Watch your non-verbal cues. People often express their feelings through non-verbal cues.Pay attention not only to your words, but also to other points: gestures, tone of voice, facial expressions, eye contact and distance from your partner.
   • Maintain eye contact with your partner. Looking to the side will show your coldness, lack of interest, or ashamed.
   • Don't cross your arms or turn away from your partner. This is how you show that you are defending yourself and shutting down from his words.
   • Watch your facial expressions. A raised eyebrow or pursed lips express condemnation or disagreement.
   • Speak in a normal, even, and friendly voice. A raised voice indicates tension and a desire to exacerbate the situation.
5. 5 Offer to reschedule the conversation. Sometimes a person simply cannot get out of the defense in order to listen to the interlocutor. If you're stressed or nervous, try apologizing and reschedule the conversation. In the end, your partner also doesn't benefit from hitting a blank wall.
   • Apologize politely. For example, say: “Look, Oleg, I'm really sorry. We need to discuss this, but I'm not in the mood right now. Shall we continue in a couple of hours? ”.
   • Be sure to emphasize the importance of the conversation: “I understand that this is very important. You have long wanted to say this. It's just that I'm a little screwed up right now. Let's get back to the conversation later? ”.
   • Take charge and start an interrupted conversation. After calming down, walk up to your partner and offer to return to the conversation.
   • To reschedule a conversation does not mean avoiding the conversation. Moreover, constant transfers are another kind of defensive tactic: “Are you coming back to this again? I am very busy now".

Part 2 of 3: Hear criticism

1. 1 Don't take it personally. This is undoubtedly extremely difficult. How can you not take your partner's words personally when it comes to you and your behavior? Think of it this way: Your partner is not criticizing to belittle or chastise you, but is loving and wants to improve the relationship. Reward him with the benefit of the doubt.
   • Understand why you take criticism as an attack. Do you feel like your partner is exaggerating or unfairly blaming? Perhaps you are just embarrassed and ashamed?
   • Think about why your partner brought up the topic. He hardly wants to make you look bad or humiliate you. Most likely he is trying to reach out to you. Sincere criticism is a desire for communication, love and development.
2. 2 Keep your mouth shut and listen. At such moments, there is often a desire to defend oneself and explain everything. Try to hold back. Listen and don't interrupt. Repeatedly repeating "but ..." you will only show that you do not want to listen to anything.
   • Hold back every time you want to refute your partner's words. If it's easier for you, then you can bite a tear on your tongue or lower lip.
   • If you just need to speak, then ask questions expressing what the partner said: “I just want to clarify. Do you think I'm not helping enough with the housework? " or “Did I understand correctly? Do you feel like we spend too much time with my parents? ”
3. 3 Ask for specific examples. It is much easier to accept and understand criticism if you clarify, and not get angry. Ask your partner for details, examples, and further development. This will allow you to better accept criticism and show interest in the opposite point of view.
   • Say, "What specifically led you to think that I was moving away from you?" or "Please give a specific example of a situation where I was selfish?"
   • Remember that questions like these help you better understand the criticism. You are not clarifying in order to brush aside criticism or find fault with trifles. This display of defensive tactics should be avoided.
4. 4 Restrain the urge to launch a counteroffensive. It is impossible to accept criticism without sincerity and openness. You won't get anywhere if you start to boil and criticize in return. This approach will only worsen the situation and lead to frustration.
   • Resist the temptation to lash out at your partner and say, “Do you feel like I help very little around the house? I've never seen you clean in the garage or behind the house! ” or “You are very unfair to me. You yourself constantly annoy me with your actions! ”.
   • Don't try to dismiss criticism, make excuses, or pass off your behavior as normal. For example: “I don't see any problem. My friend Andrey goes to the bar every evening. ”

Part 3 of 3: Show Empathy

1. 1 Listen to your partner's words. You need to empathize in order to accept sincere criticism. You need to look at the situation through the eyes of your partner. Try to actively listen to the other person.
   • Focus on what your partner is saying first. There is no need to say or do anything. Just don't stop your partner from talking and listen.
   • To listen means to be silent for a while. Don't try to squeeze in your opinion. All you need to do is send verbal and non-verbal signals - nod, agree with important remarks, or say “uh-huh,” “yes,” and “I understand.”
2. 2 Refrain from judgment. To empathize, you need to temporarily leave your mental space, accept the position of a partner and refrain from the need to express your own opinion. This is extremely difficult, but this is the only way to focus on the feelings of your partner and accept sincere criticism.
   • Refraining from judgments does not mean categorically accepting the partner's point of view. You can decide to disagree and talk about it later. But for the moment, refrain from your views, thoughts and reactions.
   • Empathy requires confirmation of what you hear. Do not ignore your partner's criticism and do not say that he is wrong: “I have a problem too” or “Enough about that!”.
   • It should be understood that listening is not only intended to suggest a solution. The partner has complaints. In the future, you will try to come to a solution, but now you need to listen to his position.
3. 3 Repeat what you heard. Repeat what your partner has said in your own words to take the criticism proactively. Remember to show respect. Reframe what you heard from your partner to make sure you got it right.
   • Repeat the key message. Use your own wording. For example, say, “So you think I'm too selfish. Is that correct? " or “I take it that the emotional distance between us is upsetting you.”
   • You can add a question to clarify the details. For example, say, "What exactly is upsetting you about my relationship with your mother?" This will make it easier for you to communicate.
4. 4 Let them know that you take the criticism into consideration. Finally, show your partner that you understand their point of view. Say that you understand the essence of the claims and will think it over carefully. Reaffirm the importance of your partner's words, even if you don't share their point of view. Leave the door open for future discussions.
   • Say something like this: “I don’t agree on everything, Natasha, but I respect your point of view” or “Thank you for your sincerity. I will definitely think about your words. "
   • Summarize the words of your partner and your point of view to come to an understanding: “I understand that if I do not get a new roll of toilet paper, then you see it as lazy and cunning. I just don't see anything wrong with that. Do we understand each other? ”.
   • If you accept opposing points of view, then try to come to a common solution: “I understand why you take this for laziness. Let's use a reminder so I don't forget to change paper when it runs out? ”.