Content

• Steps
• Method 1 of 2: Find a Balance
• Method 2 of 2: Boost Confidence
• Tips
• Warnings

Have you ever been told that you are obsessive or clingy? Have you ever been so excited about a new relationship or friendship that you pestered the person with attention, and in return he simply pulled away from you? Have you noticed that you want to call, write a message or a letter to someone more often than he does in response? If so, then you've probably already found that compulsion turns off most people. In this article, you will learn how to find the source of your obsession and become confident enough to mitigate it.

Steps

Method 1 of 2: Find a Balance

1. 1 Slow down. All relationships develop at their own pace, so you do not need to strive to quickly become "soul mates" or "best friends forever" just because everything is going great. Cherish the newness of everything that happens and the excitement of something new, because that feeling of newness will never happen again. You may be nervous about not knowing how the relationship will unfold, but this is so interesting! Be patient and learn to enjoy the excitement. Do not try to rush the relationship, otherwise all the joy will disappear and stress will arise.
   • If you had a wonderful Friday night, you will surely want to do this again as soon as possible. But, instead of calling a friend on Saturday morning to make new plans, wait a few days. Get a feel for the fun time you had and let your friend enjoy the memories too. When it's time to spend time together again, both of you will look forward to meeting each other, which will make the time together even more enjoyable.
2. 2 Take off your rose-colored glasses. Part of the reason for being overly infatuated with someone is our tendency to idealize the other person early in the relationship. When you first meet someone with whom you have developed a bond, it is very easy to dive into fantasies about how wonderful your friendship or relationship can be.However, these fantasies lead to high expectations, which are sometimes unrealistic! Right now, you think you want to spend all your time with this person, but this only sets yourself up for disappointment in the future.
   • Remind yourself constantly that the new person in your life is just a person, that is, imperfect... He will make mistakes, and you need to be willing to deal with it and forgive, not be shocked that the person is not capable of being perfect.
3. 3 Practice quid pro quo (Latin phrase meaning "then for this", quid pro quo). Imagine your human interaction is a tennis or volleyball match. Each time you initiate contact, you throw the ball to the opposite side of the court. Then you wait for him to return. You don't have to throw a bunch of balls to make sure he / she still wants to play. If you are an obsessive person, you are probably nervous while you wait. When this happens, take a deep breath in and out. If you have already contacted someone (sent an e-mail or SMS, or called and left a voice message), you do not need to do it again. As much as you would like to contact him again, please note that there are only a few options in this situation:
   • The person has not received the message yet.
   • He was too busy to answer you. If you trust this person, don't blame him right away, but assume that this is exactly the case.
   • He's not interested in chatting now.
4. 4 Do not crush or choke. It doesn't matter how close you are to the person, spending all your time with them can become overwhelming. Even if a person loves you, he hardly wants to be with you every second, day and night. If you find it difficult to be away from a person for even a few minutes, this will ultimately turn into a big problem for you. Yes, it can be very difficult, but force yourself to back off and give the person some space. Spend a few days away from him, do the things that appeal to you, and do not require communication for a while. Your relationship will definitely improve because, as the old saying goes, "love grows stronger when separated."
5. 5 Look for signs that the person is no longer interested. This happens for many reasons, but one thing is true - throwing attention at a person will not change their attitude. Persistence is not the answer! The person may be ignoring you to avoid communication without direct confrontation. Nudging from you will not change his feelings, and deep down in your soul, you understand that. If the person has not honored you with an answer, do not waste time on him. You deserve better treatment.
   • Consider if the person is fickle. Some people simply fail to maintain friendships or relationships, sometimes they are lazy or forgetful. Although most often a person does not show responsibility, not because he forgot to call you back, but because he decided so.
   • Maybe a person just needs a little time to focus on other things for a while. This does not necessarily mean the end of your relationship.
   SPECIALIST'S ADVICE

   

   Jessica Engle, MFT, MA

   
   
   Relationship Coach Jessica Ingle is a relationship coach and psychotherapist based in the San Francisco Bay Area. She founded Bay Area Dating Coach in 2009 after completing her Master's degree in Counseling Psychology. She is a licensed family and marriage psychotherapist and registered play therapist with over 10 years of experience.

   Jessica Engle, MFT, MA
   Relationship coach

   Think about whether you are with the right person. Jessica Ingle, relationship counselor and psychotherapist, says: “I don't think you can objectively assess whether a person is intrusive. It all depends on the person you are in a relationship with. For one, your requests may be too high, while the other will like your desire to get close as much as possible».

   
   
6. 6 Respect other people's wishes. If the person ignores you or has grown cold with you, you probably feel rejected - yes, it really is a rejection, and it really hurts. But if the person has decided that it is time to move on, there is nothing you can do to force things. Do your best to get past this stage yourself, and resist the urge to be assertive. Lashing out at the person or trying to hurt him in return will only increase the distance between you.
7. 7 See if your needs are being met. If the person you are thinking of is not rejecting you outright, but is acting insecure or pretending, consider whether you really want to see that person in your life. The fact that you want to spend time with your friend or significant other doesn’t make you intrusive yet. It takes time and effort to maintain a relationship. If the person makes you feel like you're asking for too much, but you know you are not too intrusive, it may mean that the problem is not with you, but with the other person.
   • Decide how much time and attention you are willing to devote to the relationship, and figure out how much you expect in return. If your expectations are reasonable, but you constantly feel frustrated and self-neglected, it might be time to find a new friend or lover who will make you feel valuable and loved.
   • Relationships are not easy to balance - it often seems that one person is putting in more effort than the other. There are periods when one person is busy, and the other writes and calls more. However, if this is a persistent situation in your relationship and you don't think this will change, end the relationship before it harms your self-esteem.

Method 2 of 2: Boost Confidence

1. 1 Keep yourself busy with other things. Busy people simply don't have the time to be obsessive; they are always preoccupied with other things, and you know what? All of these “other things” often make us more interesting friends and romantic partners. If you can't find a better thing to do than waiting for someone to call or text you, chances are you are bored (and you know what they say - if you are bored, then you are boring). What are you waiting for?
   • Volunteer. Learn to dance. Start jogging. Master oil painting. Join the club. Do it all, prove yourself and have fun! All your worries will go away, and when this person gets in touch, it will be a pleasant surprise, not an insane relief!
2. 2 Chat with other people periodically. Focusing your life around one person is not very beneficial for your mental health and self-esteem. Invite other people to your company instead of putting all your energy into one person! Gather a few people together and go to a movie or dinner instead of spending all your time worrying about volume person. Have fun with the different personalities that fill your life - there is more than one friend of you.
3. 3 Remember, it's okay to be alone. Many people don't date anyone and still enjoy life to the fullest. They have freedom and fun, and in many cases they are just as happy as people in a relationship. The deeper truth is that a relationship is a desire, not a need. The problem arises when a person turns them into a need and begins to believe that he cannot survive without them.
   • Do this exercise: When an obsessive thought comes to mind, repeat the mantra. Say, "I am strong," or, "I have everything I need." Repeat mentally something that makes you feel like a complete person who does not need someone else to live.
   • It also helps to listen to music and watch films about freedom and fortitude.
4. 4 Work on your self-esteem. Most likely, if you are struggling with obsession, you have problems with self-esteem. You may be looking for someone to help you feel better, but the truth is, you are the only person who can actually do it. Don't base your happiness on the other person. Of course, it's good that someone makes you happy, but if this person is the only source of your happiness, you will be angry and sad when he is not around, and for a person it can be quite difficult! He will feel guilty, indebted to you, and ultimately resentful towards you.
   • The only way to get rid of an obsession is to prove to yourself that you don't need someone by doing things on your own, spending time alone for a long time, until you feel confident. Act like you want to have a friend or loved one, but definitely not need in that.
   • Don't look for new relationships until you’re sure you’re not repeating your old behavior.
5. 5 Learn to trust. Once you understand yourself, you can deal with any problem in relationships with other people. Obsession is often associated with a lack of trust and sometimes fear of rejection. When you find yourself doubting someone's feelings for you or someone's loyalty, ask yourself why you don't trust them. Is it because he did something questionable? Or is it because someone has hurt you in the past and now you expect this new person to behave the same way?
   • If the latter is true, remind yourself that it's not fair to judge someone by the actions of a completely different person, right?
   • If this person is truly dear to you, it means that he has earned your trust, give it to him.
6. 6 Take advantage of your independence. By being confident and unobtrusive, a person becomes more attractive. This is the trick: the more confident a person is and really does not need others, the more attractive he becomes to others. Once you become truly independent, you will feel it. You will be confident enough to handle the relationship without worrying too much about what the other person is thinking. You will value the time alone with yourself as much as the time you spend with your loved one.
7. 7 Understand - it's all about the nature of the brain. Our brains are quite hyperactive. We, as its owners, always want to do and acquire something. When we have nothing to occupy ourselves with, obsessive thoughts begin to appear in our heads, we begin to feel bored and frustrated. A pragmatic approach in this case would be to direct our thoughts and brain hyperactivity towards good deeds, that is, towards what brings us pleasure: looking for new activities, hobbies, strengthening attitudes, and so on. All this helps to cope with obsessive thoughts, but only temporarily. People who do not create the impression of intrusiveness simply direct the activity of their minds to constructive and creative deeds. Or the whole point is that their needs are met by someone else. That is why such people do not seem to be intrusive, but on the contrary, they attract us.
   • For example, people who have many good friends do not behave intrusively when they make new ones, and this is all because their desire to have friends is satisfied. Another example: people who do what they love also do not give the impression of intrusiveness, because what they do takes the activity of their minds. Another example: a guy who is doing well in a relationship with a girl is unlikely to behave obsessively with other girls, because he gets everything he wants. As a result, he is not intrusive and attractive to others.Guys who are in relationships (in good relationships) are always more attractive to those around them - a scientifically proven fact.
   • What do all of the above people have in common? Their needs are overridden by external factors. Once this factor is eliminated, the brain will again begin to need, at least for what it was deprived of. This can be facilitated by moving to another city, losing friends, jobs, breaking up relationships, and so on.
   • No, this does not mean at all that you need to give up looking for hobbies, friends, relationships, and so on. On the contrary - this is what allows us to occupy such a hyperactive mind and exclude obsession from our life. What exactly will help in your case - you will have to find out experimentally, since we are all unique.
   • Obsessive thoughts disappear when a person ceases to seek satisfaction outside, when he realizes that none of the external factors is capable of satisfying him. Keep doing what you love to do, spending time with your friends, but do it just because you enjoy it, not to feel satisfied. This will make you more humble and simpler. As the Tao Te Ching says: "When the Tao is in the world, everything that exists flows into it, just like mountain streams flow to rivers and seas."
   • Do you have a feeling of uncertainty? You are on the right track.

Tips

• Give the person their own space, respect their personal boundaries.
• Step back for a while and go about your business. Be a busy person.
• Do whatever brings you joy and happiness. Don't spend too much time alone. Get out of the house, spend the evening with your friends. The more interests and hobbies you have, the more attractive person you will become!
• Appreciate yourself!
• To begin with, you must learn to be alone and comfortable. Then your time will become more valuable to you, and you will be able to look at relationships more objectively.
• Excessive obsession can only cause rejection. This will lower your self-esteem, deepening your feelings of loneliness.
• If you love the person with whom you are in a relationship, show it to him easily and unobtrusively, do not press on him, otherwise he may push you away.
• Love yourself.
• Aggressive stance in the early stages is very repulsive. Learn to behave in moderation and start with small steps.
• Obsession is wasting your precious time. Learn self-control. You can.
• Understand that some people are just not very nice. It's not about you, it's about them. Find new friends for yourself.
• The love of your life will knock on your door sooner than you think. Just be patient and optimistic.

Warnings

• The need for others can become a vicious circle. You seek attention, the person gets scared and pushes you away, you feel worse and start a new circle with even greater obsession. Realize this and change your behavior.
• If you are impatient, then you probably often start thinking about things that really don't have a place to be. Remain calm and try to focus on what you love.
• The need for relationships can lead to depression, and we all know that depression has extremely negative side effects, so the best way out is to have new hobbies in order to shift the focus on them.
• Cognitive behavioral therapy can be of tremendous help in identifying and changing negative thinking patterns that are causes of obsession and low self-esteem.