Content

• Steps
• Method 1 of 3: Revealing Selfishness
• Method 2 of 3: Organizing Self-Defense
• Method 3 of 3: Confronting Mother Selfishness
• Tips
• Warnings

Maternal selfishness may seem like something non-existent in real life. Unfortunately, it can be very real and harmful, and in this case, the fight against it will be very difficult. The difficulty in resisting maternal egoism lies in the fact that selfish people care only about their own interests, ignoring the interests of other people, thereby significantly complicating the possibility of negotiating and making changes in the current situation. Many people have an implicit or explicit bias about mothers being nurturing, which makes the actual encounter with maternal selfishness especially confusing and painful.

Steps

Method 1 of 3: Revealing Selfishness

1. 1 Understand that selfishness is not the same as refusing to give you what you want. When people call someone selfish, they often imply that the person is not giving them what they want. For example, if you asked your mom to buy a Playstation 4 and she said no, but she spent money buying new shoes for herself, you might think, "She's being selfish." However, this will not necessarily be true; maybe she really needs new shoes to work, whereas your Playstation 3 doesn't need an expensive replacement just yet. Many people don't like not getting what they want, and that's natural. However, take some time to wonder if you really see selfishness in your mother's behavior or if it is something else.
   • Also, sometimes you can take for selfishness the refusal to satisfy your needs (in your understanding). For example, you want to do homework every day with your mother, but on some days she cannot do this because she needs to work. Because of this, you may find her selfish, as she refuses to meet your needs. You have the right to want to do homework with your mom, but you also need to understand that she has other responsibilities, so sometimes she just can't help you.
   • In contrast to the above examples, if you ask your mother to buy you new sneakers, since the old ones are already too small for you, and she refuses, but at the same time buys something for herself that is not particularly necessary, this may be an example of selfish behavior, since she does not satisfy your real needs.
2. 2 Note the emergence of winner-loser situations. Selfishness very often leads to the emergence of situations of the category of "winner and loser", when one person always wins, and the other is left behind. Sometimes such situations cannot be avoided: if you ask your mother to buy alcohol, but at the same time you are not yet eighteen years old, and she refuses you (which she should do), you will find yourself in a “winner and loser” situation because of what she has achieved the desired outcome of the situation, and you are not. However, in most cases, a compromise can be reached that will suit both parties. If your mother is never or very rarely willing to compromise, she may have selfish behavior.
   • For example, if your mom never lets you take her car to visit her friends because she wants to spend time with you, that might be an example of selfishness. However, if she only allows you to take the car on weekends, because she wants you to go to bed early on school days, this is a compromise: you get the opportunity to chat with friends sometimes, and mom is sure that you do not harm your health. and keep your performance at the proper level.
   • Another example of maternal selfishness is when your mother comes home from work and demands that you stop whatever you do in order to talk to her, even though you may have other concerns and obligations. It is normal for her to want to talk to you about your day, but it is by no means a demand for constant attention to her on her own terms. If you do not satisfy her demands in the form in which she demands, then she may call you ungrateful.
   • However, the desire to talk to you is not in itself selfish, nor is expressing that desire without a coercive tone. If your mom asks you to break away from homework and talk to her, and you refuse her because you want to finish the work, she should accept this and ask you to talk to her at another time. This is a healthy example of a compromise that takes both of you into account. This has nothing to do with selfishness, even if the first communication with the mother was annoying or similar to selfishness.
   • Remember that in some cases someone may be the “loser” (not getting what they want), but in general, healthy relationships (including between children and their parents) should be based on mutual respect and compromise.
   • An example of a “winner-loser” situation would be a case when a person no longer lives with his mother, but she borrows money from him all the time, never returns it, and spends it on gambling.
3. 3 Pay attention to emotional manipulation. Emotional manipulation is another characteristic of selfishness. A classic example in this case is the use of “imaginary guilt” towards parents. Instilling imaginary guilt may be unknowingly selfish (your mom may think this is how she expresses her love for you), but it is violent and unhealthy, which can make you feel resentful.
   • For example, you are looking for an institution for admission, and several of the options considered are located far enough from your place of residence. And your mom is trying to manipulate you to stay closer to home by saying something like, “Okay, go to Moscow. I suppose you don't care that I will be lonely. "
   • Another example is the mother's excessive sensitivity when she is rejected. For example, if she asks you to do something, and you say that you cannot help her, she may remind you: “I did so much for you. No one will do more for you than I did. ” She can make you feel like you don't value her, or she can compare you to someone who “loves” their mother.
   • Imposing guilt and other tricks of emotional manipulation are selfish because they do not consider the needs of both people equal. In emotional manipulation or maternal selfishness, the mother in most cases puts her own interests first, not yours.
   • If your mother imputes imaginary guilt on you, it is very likely that she does not even realize that this type of communication can cause real harm. According to research, people who often operate with imaginary guilt are often so focused on getting what they want with the help of this technique that they do not even realize that this not only harms another person, but can later turn against them, prompting the child to break off relations with the mother. ...
4. 4 Look for signs of neglect. It's hard to believe, but sometimes parental selfishness can manifest itself in giving the child excessive freedom in choosing what he wants to do. Your mother's rules may seem too strict or meaningless to you, but most likely she came up with them for your own safety, health and well-being.If your mother allows you to do anything, whenever you want, without discussing any barriers and consequences, she may be selfish in the sense that she prefers not to puzzle herself with an explanation of everything that you have to get to on your own.
   • For example, if your mother allows you to smoke and drink as a minor because she does not want to take care of your upbringing or help you fight bad habits, then this is an example of selfish behavior.
   • Emotional neglect is another sign of parental selfishness. If you often have the feeling that you are walking along the line in front of her, because she easily becomes impatient, becomes angry, controls you, or you feel the hopelessness of all your attempts to please her in order to gain approval or consent, then your mother may be narcissistic person. That is, in her understanding, your relationship with her is entirely built around her. Parents' narcissistic behavior is also selfish, as they have difficulty empathizing or trying to imagine themselves in the child's place in order to understand his feelings.
   • Another sign of emotional neglect is the feeling that your mother does not recognize your right to your own opinion. She may be asking you about your feelings, but in fact she is not serving you and quickly moves from this topic to discussing her own feelings and experiences. This is a symptom of selfishness and narcissism.

Method 2 of 3: Organizing Self-Defense

1. 1 Think about your own behavior. You may think your mother is selfish, but this judgment should by no means be based solely on the fact that you are not getting what you want from her. Consider whether your own behavior and your expected mother's response to it are appropriate and justified.
   • This is not necessary at all in order to undermine or take lightly your opinion about the selfishness of the mother. However, a person in a frustrated state may unreasonably see people in a slightly distorted light. The relationship between parent and child is very important and should not be neglected; in this case, additional precaution is required in order to correctly assess the situation and decide in which direction to move next.
   • For example, you think your mother is selfish because she is forcing you to enroll in a particular profession at a university that she especially likes but does not interest you at all. Perhaps in this case there is selfishness motivated by an attempt at any cost to feel like a complete person through you. It is also possible that the mother believes she is acting in your best interests, pushing you towards what she thinks should bring you success.
   • Think about your own role in the current situation. Did you tell her that you respect her opinion, but you yourself will make your own choice? Or did you just sit and obediently nod at her entire thousand and one ideas? She may not understand what the pressure is on you if you don’t share your own ideas with her.
2. 2 Get social support. If your mother is self-absorbed, does not pay attention to you, and does not provide the emotional support you need, then reach out to other people for social support. Of course, no one can replace your mother, but so that you can feel better, such a replacement is not required.
   • To deal with the stress of maternal selfishness, reach out to friends and family. Having social support can protect you from stress and make you feel better in general and in particular.
   • Find friends or other people online who have similar problems with selfish mothers.Realizing that you are not alone in your struggle can be helpful and rewarding; together you can come up with a new solution to your common problem.
3. 3 Determine your own self-esteem. If your mother is not interested in your success, learn to appreciate it yourself. If your mother makes you feel bad about yourself because she wants to see you “perfect” so she can feel good about herself, remind yourself that this is her problem, not yours. Don't let other people, even your mother, dictate your self-worth. It is how you feel about yourself that is most important, since only you are responsible for your own life and your future.
   • Nobody cares about you better than themselves, so your opinion is the most important thing. Concentrate as much as possible on achieving more important goals and do not worry about the current situation in your relationship with your mother.
   • There are different types of self-esteem. General self-esteem represents your attitude towards yourself in general, who you are as a full-fledged personality. Private self-esteem represents your relationship to specific aspects of your personality, including your academic or professional success, and your physical appearance. Both of these types of self-esteem are important for developing a good attitude towards yourself.
   • Adaptive self-esteem is about being honest with yourself; with its help, a person gets a genuine attitude towards himself, thanks to which he feels good about himself. Non-adaptive self-esteem is external, it consists of conforming to third-party standards or comparing oneself with other people. If you have a selfish mother, then your self-esteem may be low due to the constant comparison of you with other people or with external standards that do not matter to you. Try to reorient the direction of your actions towards achieving goals and developing those traits that have real meaning for you, and were not dictated by someone else. This will help you pay less attention to others, including your mother, and think more of yourself.
   • For example, if your mother always told you that you have to lose weight in order to be more attractive, you may have low self-esteem. Try to find something more meaningful to yourself instead of implanted self-esteem. If you decide to lose weight to get in shape and take care of your health, go for it. If you decide to stay as it is, be proud of that too. Your goal is to accept yourself and set your own standards for yourself, not let others set them for you.
   • For example, if you told your mother that you got a promotion and she countered it with an envious reply that you had nothing to be proud of, think about her reasons for this behavior. Also, think about what your own success at work means to you personally and only to you! Compared to you, your mother does not even have a close idea of ​​what is happening at your work, and how it affects you. Remember that in your own life, only you are the expert, not her!
4. 4 Give yourself support. You will be less influenced and better deal with maternal selfishness if you support yourself instead of relying on your mother's feelings for everything. You may feel that your relationship matures as you become more comfortable with self-reliance and your own maturity; maternal selfishness may bother you less and less, which will contribute to a normal relationship with your mother.
   • You can support yourself in a variety of ways. Start by making your own decisions more often. You will understand that you yourself are able to make good decisions, just before you did not have a chance for this.
   • Another way to give yourself support is to move towards meeting your own needs.In particular, learning how to cheer yourself up will make you less dependent on your mother.
   • Think carefully about what gives you comfort and happiness. For example, you may find that listening to a particular song calms you down. If you are feeling upset, try to recognize your own feelings right away and do something that calms you down.
   • Pamper yourself when required. If your selfish mother is not showing enough love for you, show that love yourself. Go to the movies or arrange a lunch at a cafe. Indulge in a manicure or shopping trip. Just don't let “material things” replace love, it’s a pretty useless gimmick unless it’s used as a rare way to please yourself.
5. 5 Distance yourself. If your mother is not listening to you or is making adjustments in your affairs, which is causing you pain and frustration, try your best to get out of her sphere of influence. Try to become less dependent on your mother; and if she's too self-conscious, then this is not the person to rely on. While it may be difficult at first, you will only get better in the long run.
   • If you no longer live with your mother, try limiting contact with her to special events and family gatherings.
   • Do not feel guilty about distance yourself from your mother if you believe in her selfishness, narcissism, or narcissism, which she cannot or does not want to give up. While guilt can often motivate people to rebuild their relationship, remember that some relationships (sometimes even with their mother) are not worth trying to rebuild. That is, the key in this case is an honest and accurate assessment of the situation, as well as no doubt that maternal selfishness has a destructive effect on your life.

Method 3 of 3: Confronting Mother Selfishness

1. 1 Discuss your concerns with your mother. If the mother is ready to listen to you, do not be overly aggressive, do not go to confrontation and do not throw accusations, otherwise the likelihood that she will agree to think about changing her behavior will be small. Always speak in a calm, collected manner; even if the mother starts screaming, remain calm.
   • Remember that it is very difficult to change the behavior and way of thinking of other people, especially if they are self-absorbed or prone to narcissism.
2. 2 Understand the root causes of maternal selfishness. Think carefully about what motivates your mother to act selfishly. Perhaps she herself was forced to overcome her own difficulties and inadvertently found herself selfish. If your mother is old and in poor health, then she may need more attention and help; selfishness may be a necessity for the situation in her life. If she has experienced childhood neglect, she may experience insecurity in her relationships with others, which can contribute to selfishness and self-absorption. If you understand the root causes of selfishness, then you can change your mind about the degree of her selfishness; otherwise, you will at least have some ideas on how to confront your mother when the time is right.
   • For example, if you blame your mother's selfishness over her childhood neglect, you might remind her that you also feel neglected on her part, that you both should work to break the tradition and improve your relationship without letting influence. her parents and her past will determine your future together.
3. 3 Concentrate on the mother's behavior, not her character. Instead of direct accusations: "You are selfish." - formulate your complaints more gently, - “I find that sometimes you are selfish when ____”. Doing so will focus on specific behavior and take some distance from judging her personality. Condemnation of her character will upset her and make her go on the defensive; if you just call her selfish, then do not explain in any way what kind of shortcomings she should work on.
4. 4 Use the pronoun "I" in communication. Statements of the following kind: “You are selfish. You are a bad mother ”- they force a person to go over to the deaf defense. If during a conversation with your mother you use the pronoun “you”, then, very likely, she will feel your attacks and close, even if she was initially ready to listen to you. Use phrases with the pronoun “I” to build the conversation around your own feelings. Remember, you may not know the mother's true intentions, but you are perfectly aware of your own feelings.
   • For example, instead of the phrase “You are reckless and selfish”, use a phrase built on the pronoun “I” - “I feel your disdain when you are not at all interested in my affairs and always talk only about yourself. I would feel more important if you asked me questions about what is happening in my life. "
   • Also, avoid making statements of duty, such as, “You should listen to me better. You should be a better mother. " Do not take the topic away from yourself and your own feelings: “I don't feel that you hear me when you brush aside my arguments. It upsets me when you ignore my accomplishments. ”
5. 5 Avoid exaggeration. If your mother is selfish, then perhaps you literally consider her the most selfish person in the world who destroys your life... Even if it seems to be true, you will do better with your mother if you avoid hyperbole and overly emotional language.
   • For example, avoid phrases like, "Your selfishness is ruining my life." Instead, say something calm and level-headed: "I have difficulty communicating with friends when you don't let me take your car even on weekends." The facts remain the same, but the phrase becomes less accusatory and judgmental, so it can get a better response.
6. 6 Emphasize your own needs. Your mother's selfishness may be due to a misunderstanding of your needs. There is a possibility that she simply does not notice her behavior, but will readily change it. Tell your mother what you expect from your relationship with her; concentrate on those things without which you cannot imagine this relationship. For example, you need your mom to be ready to listen to you from time to time. Some may want the mother to be more supportive or less critical and reprehensible. Perhaps you want her to stop building your relationship purely out of her own interests.
   • As you give your mother a list of your own needs, let her know about things that you will need from your relationship in the future, but are not necessary for discussion in the present. This will demonstrate your willingness to compromise and the absence of unreasonable demands for an immediate change in the mother's behavior in accordance with your wishes in absolutely all areas.
   • For example, you might say, “Mom, I would love to occasionally chat with you in an encouraging way. It hurts me when you do not notice any of my achievements and do not want to listen to the story about the events of the past day. I would like you to give me at least a little of your time every week to listen to what is happening in my life. "
7. 7 Set up barriers. If your mother is prone to intrusive selfishness, for example, she may come to your house without warning or without invitation, or refuses to provide you with privacy when living with her, let her know that this behavior is not acceptable. Tell her that this behavior bothers you very much and is unacceptable.
   • Start by setting up small barriers. The trick is to start small just to lay the foundations for change, and then move on to setting more tangible barriers when the small ones are well internalized.
   • For example, if your mother, in most cases, appears at your home without an invitation and expresses her dissatisfaction or resentment because you are busy, then setting up small barriers will be expressed in the request to call before her own arrival. Setting a bigger barrier would be to discuss that you want to spend some time with her, but that she has to call before she arrives and can only visit you on Tuesdays.
   • Remember that your mother wants to spend time with you and do things that are not inherently selfish. Selfishness manifests itself only if she refuses to understand your needs and desires when you tell her about them. Oftentimes, having an open and clear conversation with each other will leave both of you happy.
8. 8 Speak convincingly. Let the mother know that you are being serious when you discuss her selfish behavior so that she can better understand the importance of the conversation. Convincing communication does not imply aggression at all. Rather, it requires straightforwardness and openness in discussing feelings, thoughts and beliefs with due respect for the needs and perspectives of the other person.
   • You shouldn't say something completely unconvincing, for example: "Mom, sometimes you do something that seems like you think more about yourself than about other people. I may be wrong, but I really think so. Maybe. , will we talk to you about this sometime? "
   • Try to be more convincing in your statements: "Mom, I am offended by your categorical demands on me, even when I have my own plans. I want to talk to you about this. I believe that our relationship can be better than it is now. I want make an effort if you are ready for it too. "
   • You can avoid inconclusive speech by trying to change the way you think before you start speaking. Avoid the following thoughts: "I should be silent, because I do not want to bother my mother with my problems. If I say what I think, I will feel embarrassed and awkward." Try to prepare more confident thoughts, such as, "I have the right to voice my disagreement with what my mother says."
9. 9 Offer to see a family counselor. It can be very difficult to solve family problems alone. This can be done much easier, more efficiently and more productively by using outside help to identify the root causes of the difficulties.
   • If you suggest that the mother see a family counselor because of family relationship problems that you think can be corrected, do not place all the blame for the problems on her alone.
10. 10 Threat distance. Selfish people forget that existing relationships are not permanent. Any relationship by nature implies the ability to both take and give, that is, they must be mutual. If your mother is selfish, tell her what you don't like about her attitude towards you, tell her that if she does not change, you will no longer be able to treat her like a mother. This approach may be more effective if you are an adult or no longer live with your mother.
11. 11 Cross out the past and move on. This step should be the very last thing you do if you accept this outcome.Sometimes it is simply impossible to save a relationship, even if it is a relationship with your own mother. Remember this when trying to act in the situation around you.
    • If you live with your mother, while you do not have the means to move from her and therefore have to endure her selfishness, make a concrete plan for moving to another place or start studying well so that at the moment when the time is right, you can calmly leave the negative environment. ...
    • If you have children and your own family, forget about your problems with your mother and try to be the most loving parent you can for your own child. Convert your mother's negativity into your own positive.
    • Allow yourself to grieve about the end of the relationship. If, in assessing the situation, you realize that your relationship with your mother is slowly dying or has already died, give yourself time to digest it all. The loss of a mother due to her own selfishness, self-preoccupation and self-love is a very real and rather painful scenario. Do not try to deny the seriousness of what is happening, allow yourself to express regret, and then concentrate on purposeful actions to improve your own situation and well-being.

Tips

• Don't let your mother determine your self-worth.
• Use social support from friends, family, and others who also have problems with maternal selfishness.
• Beware of psychological manipulation by the mother. Ask yourself if her thoughts and feelings during your conversations are real, and trust your own instincts.

Warnings

• Any argument or discussion that gets too heated can lead to violence in the present or in the future. Know how to stop. Avoid physical and psychological abuse, including insults and threats.