Improve Your Marriage - tips

Video: How To Improve Your Marriage Relationship

Content

Steps
Advice
Warning

Healthy habits are an indispensable factor to ensure the highest quality of marriage between any two individuals. Let go of concerns that are unfair to you or your partner - they can disrupt your marriage. If your marriage is in an undesirable state, the good news is: you can gradually improve it. Numerous studies have been conducted to find out what contributes to a good marriage. Improving your marriage takes time and effort. However, when you are persistent, flexible and persistent, you will reap many benefits from it.

Steps

Method 1 of 5: Building a Strong Foundation

Increase knowledge about your partner. Anyone wants to be understood and it's easy to believe that they've known everything about someone while they're with them for a long time. You feel like you have nothing left to explore. This is rarely true. Try to share your thoughts, worries, precious memories, dreams, and goals with your partner. Also, encourage them to do the same to you.
- Ask open-ended questions. Dr. Arthur Aron's list of 36 famous questions can be very helpful in uncovering your partner's views on life, dreams, hopes and fears. Questions such as: "What can make you a perfect day?" or "What is the memory you cherish the most?" specially designed to enhance intimacy and "personal intimacy". Dr. John Gottman's Relationship Research Institute also offers a variety of “conversation starter” tools.
- Listen. Don't just pay attention to the opponent's words. Really listen to them.Paying attention every time they speak up will help you remember important information. For example, when your wife tells you about the bad conversation she had with your sister during their last meeting, you will better understand why she might not want to visit you during the holidays. You will be more supportive when you really listen to what your spouse has to say.
Improve couple's life. The concentration of burning in sex gradually decreases as time is spent together more than it is natural - the body cannot sustain long-term with such high constant arousal. However, exploring your and your partner's sexual needs and desires can strengthen your marriage and make you more connected.
- Be open and non-judgmental when talking to your partner about sex. It can be a terrifying topic and can easily bring guilt in discussion. Let the other person understand that you really want to know what their wishes are and what excites them.
- Research shows that couples have a more fulfilling married life when it comes to satisfying their partner's sexual needs - even if they don't have those needs themselves. This is called the "community force in sex" and it is a sign of a healthy and active sex life.
- Explore together. Talk about your own dreams together. Try a new technique or toy. Watch high school movies together or read erotic stories. Seeing sex as a shared experience that brings pleasure to both.
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Method 2 of 5: Take Action Everyday

Spend time with your partner. When you or your partner (or both) are constantly neglecting, you no longer feel like a priority in your partner's life. Not spending time with your partner, whether it's spending time together enjoying a good night at a movie or being physically intimate, can all lead to feelings of separation and disappointment.
- Being physically close is often the first consideration when you're busy. If you find that recently you are no longer having the same sexual connection as before, try to schedule a time for sexual activity. While this certainly seems to kill the romance, research has shown conflicting results. 80% of married couples schedule sex and it can really give you something to look forward to.
Build a routine together. A habit can be a shared experience between you and your partner. It is very important, increasing the sense of a familiar, private relationship with that person in you. Habit does not have to be meticulous, complex, but only needs to be persistent and maintain a connection between the two. Be proactive and cherish them. Don't skip it unless it's really urgent. Remember, marriage is an investment: you get the money back.
- Every day, after work, give a hug and ask your spouse about their day. Show your appreciation, such as: "I like, I like it when I'm picked up" or "You're great when you buy dinner".
- Think about all the procedures you might go through on your first appointment. You've had to schedule time to meet, plan what to do, prepare to meet and interact in ways that are not stereotypical. Consider if you can incorporate one of them into your daily interactions between two people.
- Began the tradition of "night dates". It doesn't have to be a big deal. It was simply time spent together and cherishing each other.
Find a new hobby together. Finding something you both enjoy doing together can be a great way to spend time and relax together at the same time. It could be an activity that offers other benefits like exercise or an activity that makes you feel as excited and youthful as playing a game.
Make Your First Appointment Month. Once a year or so, you should take the time to fall in love with your spouse again. Consider the changes in your people as well as your goals. Spend a few weeks acting like your first date. What that does for a marriage can be astonishing.
- Of course, that can happen at any time, as long as it works for you!
Play game. Chessboards are back and they can be a great way to bond and have fun together. In addition to some classic games (Puzzle, Billionaire Chess, ...), many interesting new games have appeared. You can try the Ticket to Ride, Catan or Once upon a Time.
- It doesn't have to be a two-person game. Get your friends together and spend the night every week or month!
Spend time meeting friends. Establish some mutual friendships and get together to play chess, have a dinner party, watch a movie, or do other fun activities. Thanks to that, you not only have a great time together, but also connect with others and feel refreshed! You can also separate time spent with your own friends (and time spent with their friends).
Enjoy a book together. It could be reading together or reading the same book. As a result, you have topics to discuss and open your heart to things that perhaps, under normal circumstances, would never be shared. It could be a book about current events, parenting strategies, a history book or even an interesting novel!
- If you like TV or movies, watch the other's favorite shows or movies. Watch new movies or talk about what's happening on your favorite TV show. As a result, there is a common understanding to discuss each other's passions.
Try taking an art. It could be taking a dance class together, learning how to play music, or learning to draw. They not only help you bond, they are also a great opportunity to get creative. Learning new skills like these will also bring a sense of pride to yourself and your partner.
Go somewhere. Let's go somewhere together if possible. You don't even need to go abroad, the adventure available in the backyard can surprise you. You just walk away from home. It will create new experiences that unite the two.
Prepare a meal for the other person. Take turns preparing delicious dinners for each other. If both are bad chefs, take a cooking course together or seek help online. This way not only helps to stay connected, but also fits well with a busy schedule (eating is a must, right?). advertisement

Method 3 of 5: Constructive Exchange

Learn how to handle conflicts. Conflict is very common in any relationship. They even encourage cooperation in relationships and, in the end, for better results. Thanks to that, bring the two people together. It all depends on how you are handling when a conflict arises. Developing a habit of building healthy, constructive conflict management habits will certainly help improve your marital status.
- Do not talk while angry. Despite the popular perception that it is not advisable to "go to bed angrily", trying to discuss when one or both is upset can only make the situation worse. This is because when you are angry, your body triggers a "fight or flight" response by filling your body with adrenaline, making you lose the ability to think and not talk calmly and rationally. Pay attention to your own body. If you notice an increase in your heart rate, difficulty breathing, or a "hot face," pause.
- Take a deep breath and respect the other's needs. Either of you can ask for a silence when you feel too angry. Respect for each other when asking is extremely important. Instead of saying, "You are like that, I can't talk", talk about your own feelings, take note of the importance of the problem and affirm that you will talk about it later. For example, you could say, “Right now I'm very depressed and I need some time to organize my thoughts. I agree that this is an important issue to discuss. Let me calm down and talk about it after an hour? ”. This way, your spouse will understand that you are not trying to ignore the conversation. Similarly, when a husband or wife requests a break, respect it.Do not try to chase to the end or overwhelm the opponent.
Share your needs. Don't hide your concerns - they will make you mistakes in the end. Be kind to clarify what bothers you or what you need. Don't expect your spouse to "understand" what you need. They are incapable of reading other people's minds and neither can you!
- Don't show sarcasm or guilt when sharing your needs. Use a simple way of expressing the problem with the "I" statement when possible. Example: “Lately we don't spend a lot of time together and it makes me feel a little lonely. Without that connection, I feel like myself is no longer as important to you as before, and it makes me very sad.
- Once you've shared your needs, encourage the other person to do the same. Don't let it become a one-way activity. Ask your spouse for advice. "What do you think?" or "How do you feel about this?" are excellent questions to start with.
- Find "common concerns" that can exist in both people. It is possible that you have a common need but are completely unaware of it. Or, each person may have a need that is not being fully met.
- Do not "statistic". Don't forever use what your spouse did last summer to refute them now or to list any minor dissatisfaction. Continued statistics will turn your spouse into a rival. You guys are a team! Never forget that.
- Having a weekly "contradictory" conversation can be very helpful. It provides a sense of security so you can express your concerns and know that you will be listened with respect and love. It could also be the time for the two to work together to solve problems.
- Find the right time and place. While it may not always be possible to find the ideal time and place for a serious conversation, try to avoid distractions as much as possible. Don't try to talk carefully about a problem when either of you is extremely tired or distracted by something. Choose a time when you both can focus on listening and sharing.
Solve problems one by one. When the person poses a problem they are not satisfied with, do not try to turn the situation around by: "Ah, maybe you ____ but I was ______... yesterday." If you are not satisfied with something, you can discuss it at a different time. Unless directly related, no more than one issue should be included in the discussion.
- Similarly, when you want to share your concerns, do not overwhelm the other party with a sutra with complaints. Focus on one thing that worries you. Thanks to that, the two felt that they could really solve the problem.
Avoid blaming. Blaming language puts the opponent on the defensive and is more likely to not listen to anything, even if there are satisfactory suggestions. When raising a problem, make sure you don't focus on the "mistakes" or on the other side.
- For example, instead of: "Why are you never close to me again?", Say: "I really like being close to you. I really want us to do that more often. How do you feel?". In the first parlance, you blame the other person and give the feeling of attack. The following way shows that you are so interested in something from your partner that you want more.
Resolve conflicts immediately. It's important to be mindful of how you interact, especially when discussing sensitive or frustrating issues. When you notice that one or both of you are being emotionally “flooded”, slow down. Paying attention to a conflict will help you avoid constructive arguments or evasion that hurt you both.
- Notice what works for you. Every couple is different and what works in resolving conflicts in one pair will not be the same as in other couples.
- Humor is a common way to redirect anger. However, you need to be careful when using it, avoid disdainful humor because they will make things worse in general.
- Acknowledge that, to some extent, a spouse is right. To let the other person know that you "understand" why they are feeling in a certain way, you don't have to fully understand or agree with everything they say. For example, you could say, "I know it makes perfect sense that not kissing good night might make you feel like I'm not important to you." Remember: you don't have to agree that the other person was "right" or that you meant to hurt them. You just acknowledge them đã feel it. It is simply the act of helping the other person feel interested even in conflict.
- Ask for "redo". If the other person says something hurtful, ask them to put it back. Don't get angry, just exchange your feelings: “It really hurts me. Can you say that in a different way? ”.
- Responsible. In most cases, the problem is never one-sided. Taking responsibility even with only a small fraction of the problem you are facing can be of great help in bringing about a sense of recognition in the other person.
Accept that there are things that cannot be changed. If you or your partner are having the same problems repeatedly, these can be personality-related and they are hard to change. For example, when you are an extrovert, love to hang out with friends and your spouse is extremely introverted, you can always be conflicted about what to do on the weekends. One of them is simply irreversible and both need to learn to accept, build a flexible attitude so that they don't become a source of conflict.
- No personalization. One reason that an opponent's actions can cause conflict is that, while not completely correct, we see them as personal. For example, when the other person doesn't really care about the vacation and doesn't seem interested in the trip, the personalized approach makes it a problem for you: “If she / he really Love me, she / he will feel happier on vacation ”. This approach to the problem is unfair to both: it can unduly hurt you, and it can cause you to blame yourself for things that didn't come from you.
Make a question. Don't assume that you "know very well" how the other person thinks or feels. It is easy to fall into a "mind reading" - situation reading based on self-interpretation and subjectivity. This is extremely harmful to the relationship.
- Instead of trying to "correct" or "defend" your point of view, be mindful of the other's feelings and thoughts. Realize that almost every situation is subjective and that you may have very different interpretations. No one is "right" or "wrong". It is important to listen to each other to solve problems together.
- Questions are also a useful form of active listening. When the other person shares their thoughts or feelings, take the time to reconfirm what you have just heard. Please clarify. Example: “I understand you are angry because I forgot our last date. I mean, right? ”.
Learn to compromise. Very often, we see compromise as a "they win, I lose" situation. In fact, compromise is a very important factor in creating a stable and happy marriage. Compromise is the search for understanding between the two of you and is needed to be able to solve the problem. Compromising doesn't mean giving up on the things that really matter to you - it can lead to warmth or regret. It means identifying acceptable points and "non-negotiable" things.
- Dr. John Gottman suggested that each person draw two circles, the small one within. In a small circle, list the things you are sure of need. These are essential, indispensable things for you. In the big round, make a list of what you can accept.
- Share with your spouse. Look for the common ground between two great circles. That is where you may find grounds for compromise.
- Talk to your spouse about your negotiable and non-negotiable things.Sharing can expand a negotiable area or help the other party understand why something is so important to you.
Let's look at an example. Consider the example below to better understand the above communication techniques. You want to spend your free time developing a non-profit project - this is a project that means a lot to you. Your spouse wants to both spend free time on vacation. This difference in wish can give rise to conflict. However, constructive processing can help you understand each other better and find solutions together.
- Start by letting the other person know that you want to talk so that you can understand each other's point of view. Don't make accusations or use blaming language. Instead, say things like: “Looks like my husband and I have different opinions. Let's talk to understand why you and I want them so much ”.
- Encourage the other person to question your point of view. For example, it might be an open question about why you want to do this project: what it will do for you, what it means, or what you might worry about ... can practice active listening and rephrase what they hear, checking to make sure they have understood correctly. They can summarize what they feel is important to you on this project, and at the same time, express your opinion on it.
- Next, ask the other person how they look. Discover why they want a vacation. Use questioning and active listening skills to listen to the other person's point of view the same way they did to you.
- Once you have a grasp of your partner's starting point and what they mean for them, find a way to satisfy both of your needs. This means it may take compromise or either decide to put the plan on hold for someone else. It is important to make decisions together and the other party knows that you are there for them.
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Method 4 of 5: Work as a Team

Build laws together. Maintaining some basic laws can help prevent problems from getting in your infancy. Let's discuss how you want to deal with issues such as who to spend the day with, who is in charge of washing the dishes, cleaning the house ... can help you understand how the other person reacts to decisions and avoids the risk of disturbing others.
- Family responsibility is an especially stressful issue. In many cases, both husband and wife work and take care of the family finances. However, social standards often put housework, cooking, and taking care of children ... on women. Research shows that in heterosexual couples, women do 67% of the chores and cook 91% of their meals. Maintain a healthy balance by discussing with your spouse what each of you will do.
- Research shows that couples with a responsibility management system are often much happier than others. That's probably because shared responsibility makes both of them feel like a team.
- See this as a partnership, not a case where one person commands another. Decide on the missions based on each person's abilities, skills, and available time. You can also make decisions based on the principle of rotation, with each person taking turns to do tasks that both of them dislike and avoid feeling heavy and unfair for both.
As a united front. This is especially important when you have children. Discuss and decide how to handle different situations, thus, agree in action. Feeling overtly overwhelmed by your partner can be embarrassing and stressful.
- Your parenting style may not always be the same and that is perfectly normal. It is important to work together so that children do not feel confused by conflicting information or think that parents are contradicting each other.
Have a private time. You both need to remember that each person is still an individual with needs that can only be met by themselves. Taking time to focus on yourself and your needs is very important. Make sure you both get a chance to do that.
- For parents, this means that one of you will have to look after the child so others have free time.
Financial support and cooperation. Money problems are one of the most common causes of divorce. Let's also set out some basic rules that are mutually agreed upon. Make an effort not to worry too much about money and you will have fewer problems facing.
- Money controversy is not just limited to income. How much money you make or how much money you owe doesn't predict your marriage's success. Financial support and cooperation, and how money is discussed will determine whether it could harm your marriage.
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Method 5 of 5: Dealing With Trouble

Seek a professional marriage counselor. Sometimes, marriage problems seem too big to deal with on their own. Luckily, a professionally trained professional can help you learn to deal with conflicts and disagreements, communicate constructively and without quarrels, and show your love and respect for the other person. . If you encounter any of the problems below, there is a good chance that a professional consultation will help you.
- Criticize. Criticism is personal attacks against other people's character, such as: "You always do this wrong" or "I never remember doing this." Counseling will help you learn how to present your needs and wants in a more flexible way.
- Defense. The defense strategy includes indignation ("I can't believe you can say that!"), And replies ("Well, I'm not as good at X as you are with Y" ) or object ("It's not my fault!"). The defense can be dispelled, such as: "I can understand why you said that" or "I should have done X better".
- Disdain. Disdain is a form of abuse and has no place in happy relationships. Eye roll, sarcasm, insults, or condescension kill a relationship. Instead, show love and respect.
- Deadlock in dialogue. This happens when the listener can't take it anymore because the cough is overwhelmed with adrenaline and loses the ability to focus. Counseling helps you learn to deal with conflicts, so you can listen and learn from each other.
- Several groups of specialists can offer marriage or couple therapy. Commonly are psychiatrists, psychologists, licensed social therapists, and licensed marriage and family physicians. Make sure your therapist is licensed and has experience in marriage counseling.
- Although it can be expensive, finding a quiet place where you can talk and learn, or attend a weekend seminar can be an effective way to "kick off" some new habits. Don't rely entirely on the weekend to solve all your problems. You need to constantly strive and learn.
Seek help dealing with trauma. Science is slowly understanding how traumatic past trauma affects marriage. If one of you is traumatized and left untreated, it can spark anger or anxiety and make constructive communication extremely difficult. Seek the help of a psychologist.
- Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can be particularly challenging, especially for couples in the military. However, marriage and family therapy has been shown to be effective in couples or individuals with trauma.
Seek help for addiction. Addiction, including alcoholism, gambling or drug abuse, is bad for a marriage. Addiction is a disease that accumulates and gets worse with time. Seek support from a medical professional and / or professional advice.
- If your partner's addiction puts you or your family in danger, you have a right to be safe.Take steps to protect your health and safety, and don't let the other person make you feel guilty for it.
- There are a number of programs available for families with addicts. If the person you love refuses to help, these organizations can help. Such as Al-Anon with "family group". The Social Labor Education Medical Treatment Center offers a variety of services for family members.
Be aware of domestic violence. In some cases, it doesn't matter how well the skills and strategies are in this article. If your spouse abuses it, it's not your fault. You don't “make” them do it, and you cannot “fix” it verbally. Violence can be emotional, psychological and / or physical.
- Call a hotline or contact a trusted person you can trust. If you are in an abusive relationship, you must be vigilant about your personal safety. Abusive spouses will regularly keep a close eye on your spouse's activities, so look for information at your local library or use a friend's phone.
- The National Domestic Violence Program is a good starting point. You can call the plan's hotline at: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). You can also find a list of international numbers at HelpGuide.org.
- Domestic violence in homosexual relationships is as common as heterosexual relationships.
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Advice

Never expect more from your partner than what "you" are willing to do.
Enjoying moments together. In addition to a joint activity, do activities that are separate from them to feel full.
Allow your spouse to be who they want to be.