Content

• To step
• Method 1 of 3: Investigate the problem
• Method 2 of 3: Think about your own role in the whole
• Method 3 of 3: Practice with others
• Tips
• Warnings

From an early age, you are taught to respect others and to do nice things for others, such as being hospitable or babysitting. But sometimes people take advantage of your generosity and kindness and expect more from you than what is reasonable or right. Such people then repeatedly ask you for favors and make you feel obligated, without giving you anything back or showing you respect. Once boundaries have been crossed, it can be a challenge to still be assertive. If you feel like there are people in your life who don't appreciate you enough, then it's time you protect yourself from people like this and set new boundaries.

To step

Method 1 of 3: Investigate the problem

1. Acknowledge your feelings. It's important to acknowledge that you don't feel appreciated enough. You can't acknowledge and scrutinize your feelings until you admit they are there. Studies have shown a link between expressing and analyzing negative emotions and various beneficial effects on your mental and physical well-being. If you suppress your feelings, on the other hand, they will probably only get worse in the long run.
   • There is a difference between acknowledging your feelings and hanging on to them. Focusing on your negative feelings without analyzing or working to improve them can make you feel even worse than before you started them.
2. Know that you have the right to be respected. Social and cultural norms may make you think it is rude to say “no” to others when they ask for a favor. You may also have learned that your work is less valuable than the work of others and that it does not deserve recognition. (This is mainly a problem for women, especially with regard to household chores.) These things can make you feel unappreciated. But everyone has the right to be respected and appreciated, and it is not wrong to want to be treated like that.
   • It's normal to feel angry and hurt, and it's all too easy to get stuck in those feelings. But instead of directing your anger at the other person, try to be constructive.
3. Think about why you feel this way. If you want to explore the feeling of being unappreciated, you need to look at what exactly is happening that makes you feel that way. List specific behaviors and events that make you feel undervalued. Perhaps you can ask the other person to change certain things you encounter. Or you may notice that you can further improve communication with the other. For example, you can work on clearly indicating your boundaries.
   • Studies show that “feeling unappreciated” is a common reason for employees to quit their jobs. 81% of employees say they feel more motivated at work when they feel their boss recognizes and appreciates their work.
   • Studies also show that people who feel lonely are more likely to accept unfair treatment and are more likely to allow others to take advantage of them. If you feel like you are unappreciated, it may be because you fear that you will end up lonely if you express your needs.
   • Try not to fill in the motivation of the other person. For example, imagine that you feel that you feel unappreciated because you often pick up a colleague, but that colleague did not help you when your car broke down. In that case, it would be fine if you write "Jenny didn't give me a lift when my car broke down, even though she often drives with me." It would be less constructive if you were to write something along the lines of "Jenny doesn't care about me because she didn't pick me up to go to work." Because if you haven't actually talked to Jenny, then you can't know what she's really feeling or why she's doing or not doing things.
4. See what has changed in the relationship. If you feel undervalued, it could be because you first felt appreciated by the other and now you don't. It could also be because you are appreciated should feel but you don't feel that way. Whatever it is, identifying what has changed in connecting with the other person can already make you feel better. It can also help to resolve this stumbling block in the relationship.
   • Try to think back to the time when you first interacted with the other person. What made you feel appreciated? What does "not" happen now what used to happen? Have you changed yourself?
   • If you feel undervalued at work, it may be because you feel that the effort you put in is not being rewarded (i.e. you have not been given a raise, you have not been recognized for a project you have worked on). It could also be because you feel that you don't play a role in making decisions that affect you. Try to recall what made you feel appreciated at work in the past and see if anything has changed since then.
5. Consider the perspective of the other. If you feel treated unfairly in a relationship, be it a co-worker or your partner, it can be difficult to see the issue from the other's perspective. After all, you feel punished and treated disrespectfully, so why try to understand why you are being treated like that? However, if you try to understand what the other is feeling, you can often understand the situation better. It also helps you find a solution together.
   • Aside from people with a personality disorder or other mental health disorder, most people don't usually treat others badly on purpose. If you accuse someone of being a bitch or asshole, even though you think your opinion is valid, it often provokes the other person to react furiously and that won't solve anything. When people feel accused, they often get beside themselves.
   • Think about the other person's wants and needs. Have these changed over time? Research indicates that sometimes individuals distance themselves from someone in a passive way, such as by stopping favors, or by not responding to displays of affection or appreciation, when they are no longer interested in the relationship and do not know how to act. have to stop.

Method 2 of 3: Think about your own role in the whole

1. Take a good look at the way you communicate. You are not responsible for the behavior of others, nor should you blame yourself if others are unkind or stingy. But you can influence your own behavior. If you feel disrespected by others, or you feel like you are being ignored, you may be able to influence the way they respond to you. You can do this by changing the way you communicate and behave. The following attitudes and behaviors can cause others to treat you improperly:
   • You say yes to anything someone else (anyone) asks of you, even if the request is inappropriate or unsuccessful.
   • You do not like to say no or you do not like to indicate your limits because you are afraid that the other person will not like you or think that you are doing something wrong.
   • You do not express your true feelings, thoughts and beliefs.
   • You express your opinions, needs, or feelings in an overly apologetic or self-effacing way (for example, "If it really isn't too much trouble, would you please ...", or "This is just my opinion, but. .. ”).
   • You think the feelings, needs, and thoughts of others are more important than your own.
   • You put yourself down when you are with others (and often towards yourself).
   • You think that others will only like or love you if you do what others expect of you.
2. Take a good look at the beliefs you have about yourself. Psychologists have identified a number of “irrational beliefs” that can cause you pain and disaffection if you hold on to them. These beliefs often demand more from yourself than others. They often include the word “must” in them. Think if you recognize any of the things listed below:
   • You think it's important that everyone in your life loves you and thinks you're doing it right.
   • You consider yourself a "loser", "worthless", "not worth it", or "stupid" if you are not recognized by others.
   • You often use the word "must", such as "I must do whatever I am asked to do" or "I must always make it to others to their liking."
3. Recognize thoughts in yourself that are actually incorrect. In addition to irrational thoughts, such as thinking that you should always do what others ask of you, you may also have thoughts about yourself that are unrealistic. To properly deal with the feeling of being unappreciated, take a close look at illogical and incorrect thoughts about yourself and others.
   • For example, you think you are responsible for the feelings of everyone around you (an "internal error in the need for control"). This is a common cause of feeling undervalued: you worry about hurting others when you say "no," so you always say "yes" when they ask you something. But you are not doing yourself or others any favors if you are not honest about your own boundaries. Saying “no” can be healthy and constructive.
   • Taking everything into yourself is also common and is actually not correct. If you relate everything to yourself, you see yourself as the cause of something for which you are actually not responsible.For example, imagine that your girlfriend has asked you to babysit so she can go to an interview, but you have an important appointment yourself that you can't reschedule. If you relate everything to yourself in this situation, you feel responsible for your girlfriend's situation while you are not. If you have said "yes" when it should have been "no", it can cause you to feel dissatisfied because you have not listened to your own needs.
   • "Catastrophizing" occurs when your thoughts about a particular situation are so extreme that you think the worst of the situation will happen. For example, you don't feel seen at work because you think that if you give your opinion to your boss, he will fire you and you will be poor forever. But this probably won't happen at all!
   • One of the undermining beliefs about yourself that keeps you trapped in the negative spiral of feeling underappreciated is that you don't deserve anything better. If you believe that others will leave you if you let them down, it can cause you to let people into your life who are not contributing to your happiness or growth.
4. Think about what you really want. You already know that you don't want to be undervalued. But what do you want? It is difficult to make a change in your situation if you feel a vague dissatisfaction but have no clear ideas about what could improve your situation. Try to list things you would like to change in the relationship. Once you know what your ideal contact looks like, you will be able to take better action to actually achieve it.
   • For example, if you feel unappreciated because your kids only call you when they need money, think about the way you "would like" them to interact with you. Do you want them to call you once a week? If they had a good day? Do you even want to give them money if they ask for it? Are you giving them money because you're afraid they won't call you at all if you don't give it? You have to get to know your limits so that you can also make them known to others.
5. Respect yourself. Only you can set your own limits and stick to them. You may feel undervalued because you are not clearly expressing your needs and feelings, or it may be because you are dealing with someone manipulative. Unfortunately, there are plenty of people who manipulate others whenever they can so that they can get what they want. But whether the other person's behavior is due to ignorance on your part or manipulation of the other, don't assume that the situation will resolve itself. You do have to take action.
6. See if your interpretations of the contact you have with others are correct. You may feel undervalued for jumping to conclusions about how things will turn out. For example, you think someone will get angry or hurt at you if you say "no" to them. Or you assume that someone doesn't care about you because they forgot to do something for you. Try to take it easy and think logically about each situation.
   • For example, you often give your partner gifts that express your love for him, but he in turn does not give you any presents. You feel undervalued because you link the love of the other to a certain act. But your partner may care about you, but may not show it through the action you focus on. Talking to your partner can clear up this misunderstanding.
   • You could also watch how others deal with someone's requests. For example, if you don't feel seen by your boss because he always gives you extra work for the weekend, talk about it with your colleagues. How do they deal with these types of assignments? Have they experienced the negative outcome with your boss that you fear? Because maybe you are the only one who gets this job because you are the only one who does not stand up for yourself.
7. Learn to be assertive. Communicating assertively doesn't mean you have to be arrogant or unkind. It means communicating your needs, feelings and thoughts clearly to others. Because if others don't know what your needs and feelings are, they might be taking advantage of you when they don't want to at all. Studies show that it is possible to express negative emotions without hurting others, provided you do so assertively and not aggressively.
   • Communicate about your needs in an open and clear way. Keep it to yourself, such as "I want ..." or "I don't like ..."
   • Don't say sorry too often or make yourself too small. It's okay to say no. You don't have to feel guilty if you say no to something you think you can't live up to.
8. Don't run away from conflict anymore. Some people avoid conflict at all costs. Maybe they do it because they are afraid of offending others. It can also be culturally determined (people from a collective culture often do not see the avoidance of a conflict as something negative). But if your tendency to avoid conflict amounts to ignoring your own needs and feelings, that's a problem you can do something about.
   • Being open about your needs may lead to a confrontation, but it doesn't always have to be negative. Studies show that conflict, when handled productively, can promote the development of skills such as compromise, negotiation and cooperation.
   • Assertiveness training can help you learn to handle conflicts better. Assertive communication has been associated with an increased degree of self-esteem. Believing that your own feelings and needs are just as important as those of others can provide you with the opportunity to confront without feeling that you need to respond defensively or feel a need to attack the other.
9. Seek help. It can be difficult to deal with learned helplessness and guilt on your own. Once the pattern has set in, it can be difficult to break, especially if you have spent the long term with someone who had authority over you and who made you feel like you always had to obey him. Don't be too hard on yourself - you have developed this behavior as a survival mechanism, as a way to protect yourself from threats and harm. The problem is that they are survival mechanisms that make you run into the same thing over and over again. But tackling them will make you feel much happier and safer.
   • Some people are able to decide to deal with these kinds of pieces of themselves on their own, perhaps with the help of a close friend or mentor. Other people find that going into therapy or seeking guidance from a coach helps them further. Do what you feel comfortable with.

Method 3 of 3: Practice with others

1. Start small. Communicating your needs and standing up for yourself is probably not something that just happens to you. It may be helpful to practice standing up for yourself in low-risk situations before attempting to confront someone with a position of authority or another important position in your life (for example, your boss at work or your partner in your private life).
   • For example, if your coworker keeps asking you if you can bring him a cup of coffee when you get it for yourself, but never volunteer to pay for it, you might remind him how much it costs the next time he asks. You don't have to do that in an insulting or aggressive way; instead, you can just kindly but clearly say something like, "Would you like to give me cash to pay for your coffee, or would you rather have me pay it now and you pay next time?"
2. Be direct. If you feel that you are not appreciated by others, then you need to make that clear to the other. But it is not advisable to simply say "you don't appreciate me." If you attack someone and say “you” accusingly, you complicate communication and can make a bad situation even worse. Instead, use simple, factual statements that express your discomfort.
   • Stay calm. You may feel dislike, anger, or frustration, but it's important to keep those kinds of emotions under control. While you probably feel quite a bit of negative emotion inside you, try to make sure you appear calm. Focus on that, showing the other that you are a stable person and that you are not attacking the other person, but that you mean it.
   • Stay in the Iform talk. It's easy to fall into the trap of saying things like you make me feel terrible or what a jerk you are, but the only thing you achieve with that is that the other person becomes defensive. Instead, you better explain the impact things are having on you and start your sentences with things like I have the feeling that, I want, I need that, and I'll be doing this from now on.
   • If you're worried that setting a boundary might seem like you don't want to help others, explain the situation. For example, if a colleague asks for your help, you could say something like, "Normally, I'd love to help you with that project, but my son has his performance tonight and I don't want to miss it." You can make it clear that you care about the other person, without always having to give in to requests.
   • Don't reward hostile or manipulative behavior with positive consequences. “Turn your other cheek,” if someone is abusing you, the other is probably just encouraging the other to continue with the behavior. Instead, express your displeasure with that behavior.
3. Think of and discuss ways the other person can solve the problem. Others may not even realize they are taking advantage of you. In most cases, they'll want to make it right as soon as you bring it to their attention, but they may not know how. Discuss with the other person how you can handle the problem so that you both feel positive about the relationship.
   • For example, if you feel that you are not being valued enough because your contributions to a group project have not been recognized, explain to your boss how he might resolve the situation. You could say something like “My name was the only one not mentioned on that big project. I felt like my work was not being recognized when that happened. In the future I would like it if you recognize all team members. ”
   • Another example: If you feel that your partner is taking your love for granted because he is not expressing his feelings clearly, give him some options that would make you feel appreciated. You could say something like, “I know you're not into the flowers and chocolates, but I would like you to occasionally express your feelings for me in a way that makes you feel comfortable. Even a simple text message somewhere during the day would really help me feel more appreciated. ”
4. Be empathetic when you interact with others. There is no need to argue when you stand up for yourself, nor do you have to pretend you're an insensitive jerk when you say "no" to others. If you show that you care about the other person's feelings, you can relieve some tension in an uncomfortable situation, and they tend to listen more closely to what you have to say.
   • For example, if your partner always leaves laundry and dishes for you, start by saying something empathetic: “I know you care about me, but when I'm always the one doing the dishes and laundry, I feel more like a maid than a friend. I would like you to help me with these jobs. We could change every day, or we could do them together. ”
5. Practice what you want to say. This helps you to say things to the other person without hesitation. Write down the situation or behavior that is bothering you, and also write down any changes you would like to see. You don't have to memorize this of course; the point is that you feel comfortable in what you want to say so that you can express it clearly to the other person.
   • For example, imagine you have a friend who often makes plans with you and then cancels at the last minute. You feel undervalued because you don't feel like your friend is respecting your time. You could say something like:“Mark, I'd like to talk to you about something that's been bothering me for a while. We often make plans to do something together and then it ends with you canceling at the very last minute. This frustrates me because I usually can't make other plans in such a short period of time. It makes me feel like I'm not appreciated because I always say yes when you ask if we want to meet up. Sometimes I wonder if you keep canceling because you don't really want to be with me. I would like you to put the next appointment that we make in your agenda so that you do not make a double appointment. And if you really have to cancel, I would like you to do that sooner than a few minutes in advance. ”
   • Another example: Sophie, I would like to talk to you about babysitting. You asked me a few days ago if I could look after your little boy next week, and I said yes. I said yes because I appreciate our friendship and because I want you to know that I am there for you when you need me. But I've been babysitting a few times this month now, and I'm starting to feel like I always have to be ready. I want to ask you if you want to ask other people, instead of always asking me. ”
6. Use assertive body language. It is important to make sure that your body and your behavior are transmitting the same so that you are not sending mixed signals to the other. If you have to say "no" to a request or if you have to set a limit, using assertive body language can help to let the other person know you mean it.
   • Stand upright and maintain eye contact. Turn your body to whoever you are talking to.
   • Speak in a firm, polite voice. You don't have to shout to be heard.
   • Don't giggle or fiddle or make funny faces. While you may think that these tactics soften your refusal, they can convey the message that you don't mean what you say.
7. Be consistent. Make it clear to the other that if you No says that you really mean it. Don't give in to manipulations or attempts to make you feel guilty. The people around you are likely to try you out at first, especially if you've given in to all kinds of requests in the past. When setting your boundaries, try to be consistent and be polite to the other person.
   • Don't try to appear self-righteous when you set your limits and do so by not overly justifying your actions. Too much explanation or emphasis on your own perspective can seem arrogant, even if you don't mean it that way.
   • For example, if your neighbor repeatedly comes to you to borrow your tools but often doesn't return it, you don't need to make a long speech about your right to say “no” the next time he wants to borrow something. Kindly tell him not to borrow any more tools until he returns the other one.

Tips

• Remember that you want to respect your own needs as well as those of others. You don't have to bother others to stand up for yourself.
• Don't sacrifice for people unless you really can spare the time, effort, money, etc. Because otherwise it could happen that you still hate them.
• Be assertive while still remaining friendly; remember to always be polite. If you get rude, the other will only become more hostile.
• Thinking logically and comforting yourself can be a support for yourself if you obey others because you fear that the relationship will otherwise break down. Logical thinking helps you to stop making decisions based on fear of the other person's reactions.
• Ask the other person what he feels and thinks. Don't fill it in, and don't think you know what the other person is feeling or thinking.

Warnings

• Refrain from confrontation if you are concerned that someone will become violent. If you are concerned that someone will react violently and you cannot leave that person, seek help, such as from a shelter, the police, a social worker, family or friends who have no contact with this person, etc.