Content

• To step
• Method 1 of 3: Make peace after the breakup
• Method 2 of 3: Start a new friendship
• Method 3 of 3: Keep a repaired relationship intact
• Tips
• Warnings

Can former lovers really stay friends after a relationship? Women, men, boyfriends, girlfriends, relationship therapists and the man on the street all have a different opinion. The figures give us a different picture: a 2004 NBC survey found that 48% of the participants remained friends with their ex after a relationship. For some, friendship with an ex is completely natural. To others it seems crazy, and an invitation to be hurt even more. Your success will depend on your individual personalities and the history you have shared together. But if you're ready to give it a try, read on!

To step

Method 1 of 3: Make peace after the breakup

1. Recognize that not all exes are suitable to be friends with. There are several reasons why you might not want to stay friends with your ex. Maybe he still has his sights set on you - in this case, keeping him on a leash is cruel. However, the roles can also be reversed. If you still like him, then you are doomed to be disappointed. The relationship may also have ended because something very bad has happened, and you cannot look at each other without hate and envy. If either of you is deeply hurt, distance yourself.
   • Even if he seems calm and emotionally stable, and your history hasn't left gaping wounds, you may not want to see your ex again. That is fine. Exes don't necessarily have to become friends.
2. Give him time. Even the neatest breakup of all time can cause painful emotions for both parties. Immediately after the breakup, he may feel angry or sad. Now is not the time to start approaching him as a friend. Wait until his feelings have calmed down before moving on.
   • Also listen to your own heart. If you're still a little angry or sad, give yourself some time before connecting.
   • The time you spend apart after the breakup depends on a variety of circumstances. With an "ugly" breakup, it can sometimes take months, even years, for the feelings to subside, and a normal friendly relationship is possible again.
3. Work on yourself. The post-breakup period is a great opportunity to reflect on yourself and try to improve yourself. If you've taken the time to sort out your emotions, you can now start spending the time you spent with your boyfriend on yourself. Commit to your hobbies and school work. Learn a new skill. Do things you enjoy doing, alone or with friends. By improving yourself you boost your self-confidence and self-reliance. This will make it a lot easier to start new friendly (and coincidentally also romantic) relationships.
   • After working on yourself for a few weeks, you don't even think about your ex! This will make it a lot easier to either start a new friendship or ignore it completely - whatever you want.
4. Make contact. If you've spent time on yourself and are ready to take the plunge, reach out to your ex. Release a test balloon, and proceed with caution - consider talking to one of his friends first to gauge his emotional state. Keep it as light as possible; do not start immediately about your old relationship, or the breakup. Just say that you haven't seen him in a while and that you would like to meet him again. If you're "really over it" then this should be the truth!
   • If your ex doesn't immediately respond to your attempts, don't try again right away. Maybe he hasn't been able to process it as quickly as you. Give him some more time.
   • Whatever you do, don't leave dozens of messages! If you feel tempted to do so, then you probably aren't ready to become friends just yet.

Method 2 of 3: Start a new friendship

1. Spend time (carefully) with him. Do this on small, social outings. At first, keep it short and modest - go for a coffee, or visit a gallery as a couple. Make sure you have a busy schedule (or at least pretend). Because when things get awkward, you always have an excuse to leave!
   • Do absolutely nothing that can be considered a date! Don't be late, don't drink alcohol, and don't dance together. You may be falling for each other again, and if you have not yet resolved the things that led to the breakup, future heartbreak lies ahead. You will also ruin any new romances that you or your ex may have entered into with someone else.
2. Tell him right away that you want to be friends. Your ex may be a little confused and have no idea what your intentions are. It is therefore to make clear from the beginning what you have in mind. Say something like "I hope we can stay friends" or "We're still friends, right?" Do not leave this issue in the middle. If you're vague about what you want from this new relationship, he may think you're trying to get back together. Save yourself that drama by being open and honest with him from the start.
3. Don't pretend nothing has changed. One of the biggest mistakes you can make is pretending that nothing changed after the breakup. Doing this will give the impression that you never cared. This can hurt him terribly, and that's now not anything what you want to do right now. If you make contact, you can acknowledge the break without dwelling on it for too long. You can say things like:
   • "I'm so glad to see you again."
   • "I really hope that things are going better for you. I am."
   • "I want to move on and start with a clean slate as friends."
4. Tell other people that you are just friends. If his friends knew about your old relationship, they'll be curious about what's going on right now. If you have reason to suspect that he won't be honest with his friends, don't let them fabricate lies. Tell them you want to befriend him and there's nothing behind it. If they hear from him that you are desperate to revive the relationship, and you tell his friends that you are not, then they will (correctly) assume that he is the desperate one. .
   • This has an added benefit. He will likely talk to his friends, and they will tell him that your new relationship is on a friendly basis. If he realizes that you describe your relationship as platonic, then there is all the more reason to respect your opinion.
   • If you have a new boyfriend, or he has a new girlfriend, make sure you communicate your friendly intentions to them immediately. Even if you do, jealous feelings can come into play. If so, you have to weigh it against the benefits of a new friendship with your ex.
5. Show that you still care about him. Make sure he knows that you will still be there for him when he is going through a hard time. If he's having a bad day, talk to him. Show him that you still care about him. However, do this as a friend would - don't hug him, hug him, or do things that might stir up old feelings. Offer to listen. Often times, he will appreciate being able to talk about his feelings with someone who understands him well.
   • Also show him that he cares about you. That is probably the case. Accept his good intentions and talk to him if you feel the need to. However, don't let him take advantage of your vulnerability.

Method 3 of 3: Keep a repaired relationship intact

1. Know the signs that he still likes you. It's hard for anyone to come to think of an ex as a platonic friend. Some people just can't. If your ex is showing any of the following symptoms, then you should consider giving him more time so he can move on:
   • If he regularly calls or texts you for no apparent reason.
   • If he talks to your friends all the time.
   • If he makes inappropriate, over-intimate jokes or references.
   • When he brings up things about your old relationship.
   • If he keeps touching you, accidentally or on purpose.
2. Explain the situation very clearly to your new boyfriend. If you've started a new relationship since the breakup, it can complicate the situation a lot. Even the most understanding of boyfriends will be a little jealous at first. And some always will. The best thing you can do is explain to him calmly and clearly that you don't like your ex anymore. Explain to your new boyfriend that you only love him, and that you don't want to be more than friends with your ex - that's all. Make it clear that you no longer think (or can think) of your ex "that way".
   • Your ex will also need to talk to his new partner, if he has one.
   • Don't give your new boyfriend any reason to suspect that something strange is going on. Don't stay out longer than you promised - at least not until he feels comfortable with you hanging out with your ex again. However, if your new boyfriend is very suspicious of your newfound friendship (by constantly asking you for updates when you're out with your ex), then it's okay to ditch him. If you haven't given him any reason that would prevent him from trusting you, then you deserve his trust.
3. Don't fall into old patterns. If you want to be friends with your ex, don't do the things you did when you were still together. If you do, you are inviting unwanted feelings of infidelity (if you have a new boyfriend) and preparing yourself for a "relapse" and possible heartache. Start with a clean slate. Take the opportunity to do new things as friends.
   • Avoid locations you used to visit together. Do not go to the same restaurant where you often ate or go to the bar where you first met.
   • Refuse to participate in activities you used to do together. If he asks you to feed the ducks in the park, as you used to do every Sunday, tell him you'd rather have coffee.
4. Make sure you and your ex aren't still hurt. The first interactions with your ex can be tense. With a bit of luck, however, this tension will soon turn into cordial politeness. Over time, however, you may find that one or both of you are still experiencing emotional damage. Deep-seated feelings of betrayal and heartbreak can arise. If you are dealing with this, they may indicate that you and your ex are not ready to become friends yet.
   • If you get sad or angry with your ex while you're putting on appearances, or if you feel like you always want to say more than you can, then you probably still have some problems you need to solve. Take a step back from the friendship and try to work on it.
   • If he seems cranky or irritable, or doesn't want to talk about anything, he's probably still thinking about your previous relationship and / or the things that led to the breakup. You can ask him if he does, but be warned. That question can ignite his anger or grief.
5. Allow the relationship to gradually grow stronger. After a while, you could get pretty close to each other again. Take it easy. Only allow the friendship to mature when all goes well. Set boundaries for yourself early on - things you won't be doing, and won't talk to him about - and only break those boundaries if you are sure you can trust him.
   • Chances are at least as good that you don't like being friends with your ex at all! In that case, you can just stop pulling him; know that he probably doesn't want to give up that easily. Uncomfortable feelings of "clinginess" are, unfortunately, certainly possible when trying to start a friendship with an ex.

Tips

• If someone asks you what's going on between you, it is a golden opportunity to say that you are "Just friends". You want to put that first.
• Make jokes, make him laugh.
• Talk to him the way you would talk to your best friend.
• If you're in the same school, try working with him - teamwork will bring you closer together.

Warnings

• Don't try to befriend him if he's done something bad to you. This will make it seem like you like to be punished.
• Never talk about the good old days. This can cause uncomfortable moments and can spoil the work.
• Depending on how bad the relationship ended, you may never be able to become friends.