Content

• To step
• Part 1 of 3: Understanding habitual apologies
• Part 2 of 3: Keeping track of and changing your apologies
• Part 3 of 3: Addressing the root of the problem for lasting change

When we apologize all the time, we send the message to everyone that we are in a "sorry" state. While there are many circumstances where apologies are appropriate, over-apologizing can internalize feelings of guilt simply because we are who we are. We can start with the best of intentions. It's important to be kind, caring, and sensitive. Ironically, over-apologizing can create isolation and confuse those around us. Once you understand the underlying cause of the habit of apologizing, you can take steps to change it.

To step

Part 1 of 3: Understanding habitual apologies

1. Understand how overly apologetic make you seem. Apologizing too often sends a signal to ourselves and others that we are ashamed or regret something about our presence. This is most noticeable when you have clearly not done anything wrong at the time (such as plopping into your chair and apologizing for it). If there is nothing you have done wrong then why would you apologize?
   • Emotionally sensitive people who consider the feelings and experiences of others more important than their own may be inclined to excessively apologize. This can result in a persistent, but difficult to recognize, disrespect or denial of self-esteem.
   • Studies have shown that apologies are more often a reflection of shame than the idea that you have done something wrong.
2. Note the differences between men and women. Men are much less likely to apologize than women, and research suggests this is because women have a much broader sense of what constitutes improper behavior. Men often have a very limited awareness of what can appear to be improper behavior. Since the female perception is more receptive to potentially offensive behavior, they are more likely to feel responsible than men.
   • Excusing apologies is, in part, a problem of social conditioning that you cannot help. While it takes effort to change this habit, it is comforting to know that there is nothing "wrong" with you.
3. Investigate the effects on others. How do your unnecessary apologies affect others? Not only will you be more likely to be written off as inadequate or incompetent, but people close to you may also be affected. Apologizing can cause others to feel isolated because they don't understand what was wrong with your behavior, or make them feel so threatening and blunt that their behavior causes you to apologize so often .
   • For example, if you say something like, "I'm sorry, I'm a little late than I was supposed to," the other person may wonder why you feel like you have to tiptoe around them. That person may also feel that their big smile is being ignored or unappreciated when you come in.

Part 2 of 3: Keeping track of and changing your apologies

1. Please note. What Are Too Many Apologies? If the following sounds familiar, you may be taking it too far. Notice how all of these excuses are excuses for normal, harmless behavior and conditions.
   • "Sorry, I don't want to bother you."
   • "Sorry, I just went for a run and now I'm all sweaty."
   • "Sorry, it's a mess here right now."
   • "Sorry, I think I forgot to put salt in the popcorn."
2. Keep track of your own apologies. Keep in mind or inscription what things you apologize for, and review them carefully. Ask yourself if what you did was intentional or if you harmed anyone. After all, those are the circumstances under which apologies are really appropriate.
   • Keep track of your apologies like this for a week.
   • You may find that many of your apologies turn out to be aimed at avoiding conflict, or you may want to appear humble and nice.
3. Retrain yourself when an apology is warranted. Notice if the apology feels like it cleared up something that another person took offense at, or if it was in accordance with your own standard. Try to get a feel for when something feels superficial, like you want to take everything into account, to create space, or to subtly ask for permission for your actions and opinions.
   • If you don't know what to do, start by drawing a line about your role in a particular event and leave it at that. This can be especially difficult if you are someone who apologizes for what others have done in order to nip conflict in the bud. But apologizing to other people often leads to resentment because you take the responsibility of others and add it to your own.
   • At what point an apology is appropriate is always debatable. This is not the same for everyone.
4. Replace apologies with a strange word. If you find yourself wanting to apologize unnecessarily, replace it with a word like "humdinger" or "beebop". This links the unnecessary apology with the nonsensical feeling associated with the weird word, and it improves your ability to spot your apologies
   • Without replacing frequent apologies with other words, you run the risk of returning to sorry land.
   • Use this trick when trying to keep track of your apologies. Then you can start replacing your apology with an expression of concern that is more meaningful.
5. Show gratitude. In some cases it may be more appropriate to simply say "thank you". For example: Suppose your friend puts the rubbish on the street before you get to it. Rather than apologizing for not doing that task on time, show that you appreciate it. Focus on the fact that your friend took action, instead of focusing on what you should have done yourself.
   • This eases the burden of the sense of responsibility and ensures that you don't create guilt where it is not necessary, and it takes the burden off your friend of having to make sure that putting out the trash was not a problem.
6. As an alternative, try to use empathy. Empathy is the ability to put yourself in the shoes of someone else, something you can use to work on solidarity (as you may have been trying to do by apologizing). Empathy will be appreciated more by your loved ones than showing your guilt, because you show concern without sacrificing yourself in the process.
   • Rather than making the people in your life feel that you owe them, make them feel that they are being listened to and that you understand them.
   • For example, you can talk about how they feel about a situation. If someone had a bad day at work, for example, say something like, "That sounds like a rough day" instead of "I'm sorry." This lets the other person know that you pay attention to their feelings.
7. Laugh at yourself. There are many situations where we want to show that we are aware of our own clumsiness, and you can do that without apologizing. Suppose you accidentally spilled some coffee or made a proposal for a restaurant that turns out to be closed. Rather than making excuses for showing that you noticed the mistake, you can laugh about it. Humor is a great way to relieve tension in certain situations and make others feel comfortable.
   • If you laugh at your mistakes instead of apologizing, everyone will see that you noticed the mistake. Laughing makes the best of a misstep by helping you take it a little less seriously.

Part 3 of 3: Addressing the root of the problem for lasting change

1. Ask yourself questions. What are you doing with your apologies? Are you trying to make yourself smaller or appear different? You may be trying to avoid conflict or seeking recognition. Explore all of these options as thoroughly as possible. Try writing down your answers in free writing to find out what your spontaneous opinions are about the problem.
   • Also, think about who you apologize to most often. Your partner? Your boss? Examine these relationships and what you will accomplish by apologizing to these people.
2. Explore your feelings. If you apologize too often, your inner contact with your feelings may be suppressed. Ultimately, the apologies may focus on appearing different to someone and less on your own feelings about the situation. When you are tempted to apologize again, search your feelings and take note of what you find.
   • Often times, apologies correspond to feelings of inadequacy, which can be resolved by accepting yourself and looking at your strengths and your worth in a new way.
   • As you work to adjust ingrained habits linked to self-esteem, the help of a therapist or other mental health expert can be helpful.
3. Accept your mistakes. As we all know, we all make mistakes. This means that you don't have to apologize for having a stain in your shirt or try it three times before you get the parallel parking right. These mistakes may be silly or embarrassing, but knowing that everyone is fallible helps you realize that making mistakes isn't that bad, and that we don't need to be overly preoccupied with our mistakes. This focus prevents us from growing and changing.
   • Know that your mistakes help you grow. If a mistake causes you discomfort or pain, there is always the opportunity to learn from the experience and grow through it.
4. Eliminate excess guilt. Endless apologies and accusations directed at yourself are an indication that you are guilty person instead of just feeling guilty for wrongdoing. Start processing your guilt by being more compassionate for yourself, adjusting unrealistic standards, and recognizing what you cannot control.
   • For example: You may be convinced that you "should" always be happy, and feel guilty when not. However, this is an unrealistic standard that you have set for yourself. Instead, have a little compassion when you are not your usual happy self. Tell yourself, "Today I'm having an off day, and that's fine."
   • Don't forget that you can only send your own actions and reactions. So, for example, if you left for a meeting in plenty of time, but arrived late due to an unforeseen traffic accident, this was not your fault. You had no control over that. You can explain what happened, but you don't have to feel guilty about it.
5. Develop your own values. Sometimes a social behavior that is overly apologetic can indicate a lack of well-defined values. This is because the apologies are aimed at someone else's response, in order to find out what is and is not right. Rather than basing your value system on someone else's approval, take steps to develop your own values.
   • Defining your values ​​will give you a clear idea of ​​how to deal with different situations and make decisions based on your own inner compass.
   • For example, think about some of the people you admire. What is it about them that you respect? How can you fit these values ​​into your own life?
6. Work on your relationships. Apologizing regularly has many harmful effects in relationships. As you change the way you speak by apologizing less often, let the people you love know what you're doing and why. Without apologizing For your past behavior, tell loved ones that you are making a change that you hope will positively impact you, and hopefully them too.
   • You can say something like, "I realized that I apologize too often, and that this can make those around me that I love feel uncomfortable. really is not necessary. "
   • Talk about what you've learned about overly apologizing or about yourself that you think is relevant to the other person. Make it clear that, with increasing confidence in yourself, they can begin to see changes in you that you hope they will accept.
   • If one of your relationships depends on your apologetic attitude, or that you have done something wrong, it is unhealthy and will need to be addressed.
7. Embrace your strength. You can also use "sorry" as a direct message or to say what you think without appearing bossy or aggressive. So there's a good chance that excessively apologizing will make you less forceful, and soften what you're doing. Embrace your strength by realizing that strength does not mean being violent or selfish.
   • On the contrary, your strength allows you to have an impact on others just by being who you really are. This is the power to have the influence you would like to have on the world around you.
   • Notice and appreciate that you have skills and qualities that people recognize, and that this is something to be cherished, not to be denied.
   • The next time you have an idea you want to share, don't start with something like, "Sorry to bother you, but ..." Just be direct, confident, and respectful. For example, "I have some ideas I'd like to discuss with you about the company's new direction. When do you have a few minutes to talk about this?" This is not coercive or aggressive, but neither is it unnecessarily apologetic.
8. Seek other sources of reassurance. Apologies are often requests for reassurance from the people we care about. When we hear friends, family, or others say, "It's okay" or "Don't worry," we know they still love and accept us, despite the flaws noted. Here are some tools to reassure yourself so you don't have to look for it by apologizing to others:
   • Affirmations are personal mantras that help you become more confident, then you can use this self-confidence to effect positive change, for example, "I am good enough as I am."
   • Talking positively to yourself allows you to turn the negative thoughts that feed insecurity into encouragement and helpful thoughts. For example, the next time you hear that inner critic say something negative, challenge them with a positive statement: "I have good ideas and people think they are worth hearing."