Content

• To step
• Part 1 of 3: Address your partner about it
• Part 2 of 3: Analyzing the motivation for the behavior
• Part 3 of 3: Making changes
• Tips
• Warnings

A condescending partner can make you feel worthless, frustrated, and sad. If your partner is condescending to you, either in private or in front of others, then this behavior should not only be discussed but also changed. A relationship cannot survive if one of the partners always looks down on the other, so such behavior will have to be addressed quickly and ways to change it will have to be found.

To step

Part 1 of 3: Address your partner about it

1. Decide the best time to discuss the matter with your partner. If things are heated in the moment, it may not be the best time to have a conversation about the matter, because then one of them may say something that they regret afterwards.
   • Have a conversation about it shortly after the condescending behavior. If there is too much time in between, the incident will be forgotten and its details blurred. Try to have a conversation with your partner within a few days of the incident, while it is still fresh in your mind.
   • Find a quiet area where the two of you can be alone. Bringing it up in front of friends will hurt you and your partner like a jerk.
   • Talk to your partner after he / she has had time to relax from work. Wait until the kids are in bed and after both of you have had a chance to relax.
2. Put the matter in a non-threatening tone. Don't take the blame for your partner's behavior, but try to convey how you feel in a non-threatening way. Indicate that you feel sad / angry / hurt when your partner is condescending towards you.
   • For example, you could say something like, "I get sad when you talk to me in that tone." Or, "It makes me angry when you undermine my intelligence."
   • Do not tell your partner that he / she makes you feel "" because this phrase may put your partner on the defensive.
3. Use examples to illustrate your point. It can be helpful to give specific examples when talking to your partner about his or her behavior. Pick a recent incident and be specific about what was said and done.
   • For example, you could say, "Last night at dinner you made a rather condescending comment. You said it would be a waste of time to explain to me what your new project is because I couldn't understand it anyway. "
   • Avoid choosing an example where you and / or your partner were tipsy, because the details may not be so clear.
4. Ask your partner why he or she is condescending. Your partner may respond to you in a condescending manner due to insecurity or a feeling of inadequacy. Knowing your partner's motivation for bad behavior can make it easier for you to understand your partner and help him or her behave in a more respectful way.
   • Ask your partner what's really going on, for example, "I feel like you are upset about something other than me. What is going on?'
   • For example, if your partner gets angry and condescends when you ask him or her about work, your partner may be unsure about his or her ability to perform well. While your partner's behavior may still be inappropriate, knowing what's really causing the condescension can help you find a better way to live together.
5. Indicate consequences. Make it clear that condescending behavior is not acceptable and that you will not tolerate it. Stick to what you're saying and don't change your mind if your partner belittles you even more or tries to downplay the situation.
   • An example of a consequence is something like, "If you speak to me in that tone, I will leave the room. If you keep putting me down to others, I will take steps to end our relationship. "
6. Use humor to brush it off. Don't let your partner's condescension get you down. The next time he's condescending, think of something funny about the situation. Make a joke or laugh at it by pretending you think your partner is joking. By using humor, your partner loses some of the power he / she wants to wield with their condescension.
   • The exact humor you use will depend very much on the context, but it is probably best not to use self-mockery as your partner is already condescending and putting you down.
7. Turn the spotlight around. One way to nip condescending comments in the bud is to put the spotlight on the person making the comments.
   • You do this by asking questions that are relevant to the context. For example, if your partner is condescending about your parenting skills, you could ask "How would you do better?" Or "What is the evidence that your way is better?"

Part 2 of 3: Analyzing the motivation for the behavior

1. Find out when the condescension started. Ask yourself if your partner has recently become condescending or if he or she has been condescending your entire relationship. You can do this by asking yourself a few questions: Have you married or started living with someone who already had a condescending attitude, or did this develop later in the relationship? Finding out if this is a new behavior or an attitude that the other person already had can help you figure out how best to deal with such inappropriate behavior.
   • Has your partner completely changed after you got married or moved in together? Is it possible that you never really knew your partner, or did he / she act differently beforehand, in order to close the deal?
   • Can a new job influence your partner's behavior? From stress at work to feeling like a promotion to a heavier position is too much, work factors can greatly affect even the most balanced personality.
   • While this information can help you figure out why your partner is condescending, when talking to your partner, make sure to keep the conversation focused on the present.
2. Determine if the behavior is context specific. You can find out if the condescension is motivated by something you may have done by seeing when the condescending comments usually occur. Do they only occur in certain contexts, such as in parenting conversations? Or are they more common? By being able to identify a specific time and circumstance, you will be able to better determine whether your partner displays triggering behavior or responds to a context. However, keep in mind that sometimes people don't know why they are doing something, so don't get stuck with this step if it won't help you personally.
   • If your partner is condescending when colleagues are around, does the behavior occur towards the boss, peers, or subordinates (or everyone at work)? What kind of comments are made? Is your partner condescending when you try to have a say in what's going on at work?
   • One possibility is that your partner feels intimidated or ashamed of your job and expresses true feelings with catty, rude comments. If so, you can focus on his condescending behavior within this particular context.
   • Do you find yourself always on the lookout when you and your partner are around family and friends? Or do you feel like you are constantly being "put in your place" by your partner with his family and friends?
3. Find out if your partner is aware of his or her behavior. In some cases, a partner may be chronically condescending towards you, to the point where the behavior has become part of their personality. That said, people are not always aware of their own behavior. He / she may just not know that he / she is acting improperly. Or, if your partner overcompensates due to an insecurity, he / she is so eager to show confidence that he / she is unaware of the abusive behavior.
   • Does your partner keep talking to you after a condescending comment as if nothing had happened? If so, he / she may not be aware that the comments are rude and inappropriate.
   • Does your partner treat everyone the same, or are you the only target? A sarcastic person may think condescension is just part of their charm. They may not realize that the funny remarks are petty and hurtful.

Part 3 of 3: Making changes

1. Watch for signs of psychological abuse. Abuse can take many forms and it is not always easy to identify an abusive person. Some subtle signs of emotional or psychological abuse include:
   • Saying things to make you feel guilty
   • Willfully humiliate you
   • Being extra critical of you
   • Ignore you
   • Having affairs or flirting with the opposite sex without hiding it
   • Talking to you sarcastically or making fun of you
   • "I love you, but ..." say
   • Trying to control you through isolation, money, or threats
   • Constantly texting or calling you when you are not around
2. Protect your children. If your partner is also emotionally abusive and condescending to your children, then you need to take extra steps to protect them during this vulnerable stage of their development. Please proceed as follows:
   • Be extra kind to your children to compensate for the abuse they suffer. Tell them how much you love them and get along with them as best you can.
   • Explain that when people are angry, they say things they don't really mean.
   • Make it clear that what people say about them, even if they are a parent, is not necessarily true. It's about what you think of yourself.
   • Enlist the help of social services if the emotional abuse is severe or continues.
   • Tell your partner that if he / she is emotionally abusing the children that it is not right, and if this does not stop, you will take steps to end the relationship and get custody of the children.
3. Talk to friends and family. Friends and family can provide excellent support and advice during a relationship crisis. Talk to friends and family about what's going on. Ask for suggestions on what to do or where to get help.
   • You may even be able to stay with a friend or family member for a while until you can sort things out and maybe find a new place to live. This is the best you can do. If you have children, it is also in their best interest to get them away from an abusive partner.
4. Seek advice. Tell your partner you want to go to relationship counseling. Relationship counseling can be effective in dynamically changing both of your dysfunctional relationships. This can be an effective way for you, in a safe environment, to make it clear to the other person that the condescending behavior is inappropriate and should change.
   • To help your partner understand how important this counseling is to you, indicate that if the other person is not willing to try, you will take steps to end the relationship.
   • To find a qualified mental health practitioner in your area, try this site: http://locator.apa.org/
5. Only speak to a counselor. Counseling can help you become more assertive and determine whether you want to stay in or end the relationship. If your partner doesn't want to go to relationship counseling with you, you can always talk to a counselor yourself.
   • Try to find a counselor who is experienced in situations similar to yours.

Tips

• While you can close and deal with the situation in a passive-aggressive manner, it is better to keep communication open.
• Seek professional guidance if your partner is not open to cooperate on his / her behavior without intervention.

Warnings

• If your partner becomes abusive, call 112 or the national domestic violence hotline: