Content

• To step
• Part 1 of 2: Understanding your fear
• Part 2 of 2: Dealing with fear
• Tips
• Warnings

Are you afraid of falling in love with someone? Does the thought of someone falling in love with you scare you? Scars from previous relationships can make you avoid love altogether because of the fear of getting hurt again. If you are afraid to love or that someone loves you, there are several ways to deal with that fear. You can track down the sources of that fear, address negative thoughts, and discuss your fears with a friend or partner. Sometimes the fear of loving or being loved can be so severe that you need help overcoming it, but you can try to overcome some of these fears on your own first.

To step

Part 1 of 2: Understanding your fear

1. Think about why you are afraid of falling in love or being loved. The first step in dealing with your problems with love is to determine what exactly you fear. There are many different types of fear that can cause a person to fear love.
   • Think about your feelings and find out what your biggest problem is. What do you fear could happen if you allow yourself to give in to love?
   • Write about your feelings to explore them in more detail. Writing about your fears about love can help you identify the roots of your fears, and writing about some of the feelings you have can also help you understand.
2. Think about previous relationships. One way to understand your fear about love is to think back to previous relationships. Consider the problems that have arisen in those relationships and what your contribution is to those problems.
   • What have you struggled with in your relationship? What have you argued about? If there was a divorce, what was the reason for the divorce? In what way have you contributed to the problems in the relationship? what thoughts prompted you to respond as you did?
3. Think about your childhood. Some childhood experiences can affect our ability to love or receive love. If you had unpleasant experiences as a child, you may carry those feelings with you in your adult relationships. Consider things that happened or happened around you as a child and how they affect you as an adult.
   • Were there many fights at home in the past? Have you felt rejected or neglected by one or both parents? How did these experiences make you feel?
4. Consider some of the most common fears about love. Many people fear certain aspects of love. Among these fears are the fear of being hurt, the fear of hurting the other and fear of commitment. Consider these different types of fears and try to determine if your feelings fit into one of these categories.
   • The fear of being hurt If you have been hurt in previous relationships, then you know how painful this is and you may want to protect yourself so that you never have to experience those feelings again. As a result, you may be trying to hold yourself back when it comes to falling in love to avoid having to deal with those painful emotions again.
   • The fear of hurting someone Perhaps you have hurt the other person in previous relationships and left you with a feeling of guilt. As a result, you may be trying to avoid getting back into a relationship and hurting someone you care about again.
   • Fear of commitment Perhaps the idea of ​​being with the same person for the rest of your life scares you, so you don't allow yourself to become too attached to someone.
   • The fear of losing one's own identity Some people think that being in a relationship means giving up some part of their identity, something that can be terrifying and enough reason for some people to avoid love altogether.
5. Determine if you consider yourself worthy to be loved. Some people find it hard to love because they think they are not nice or worth loving. This belief may be the result of childhood neglect, rejection, or other experiences that have made you feel unworthy of another's love. Think about whether you feel unworthy of the love of another person. EXPERT TIP

   "Love from ourselves and other people makes us feel worthwhile. Deep down, we all want to be loved and wanted."

   
   

   Find out if you are in an existential crisis when it comes to love. Some people fear love because it reminds them of their mortality. Loving and being loved can make the thought of death much scarier, because you have so much more to lose. Some people may even avoid falling in love or receiving love because of these negative, terrifying feelings.

Part 2 of 2: Dealing with fear

1. Challenge your fears. In addition to past relationships and childhood experiences, negative thinking can also cause you to avoid love. Some people have negative thoughts about themselves or their partner that cause the relationship to suffer. Don't allow a negative thought to pass through you without considering it and putting it in a different frame. Doing this will allow your attitude to change and you can stop amplifying your fears about love or receiving love. The next time you have a negative thought, turn it into a positive one.
   • For example, if you're worried about being rejected, you might think, “She's way too good for me. She's going to dump me. ” Or if you think you're not worthy of the love of someone else, you might think, "You're too ugly for anyone to love you, so don't even start."
   • These thoughts are detrimental to your self-esteem and your ability to love and be loved. If you are dealing with these kinds of negative thoughts, you will have to work on silencing them and changing them.
   • The next time you find yourself thinking negatively, stop and change that thought. If you think to yourself, “She's way too good for me. She's going to dump me, ”then make it something more positive. Change this to something like, “She's a beautiful woman. I'm curious where this relationship is going. ”
2. Work on developing positive thoughts about love. You can also take advantage of self-motivation about love. Try positive affirmations daily to develop more positive feelings about love. Positive daily affirmations can help you deal with negative emotions that may be part of your fear of love. Take a moment each day to look at yourself in the mirror and say something positive about love. You can say something about your belief in love or something you hope love will satisfy. Some examples of things you could tell yourself are:
   • "I am worthy of love."
   • "I will have a fulfilling and loving relationship one day."
   • "Love is a wonderful thing."
3. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is defined as the risk and uncertainty associated with emotional exposure. People who are afraid of love have often built a wall of defense within a relationship. If you want to overcome the fear of love, you will have to lower that defense and allow yourself to be vulnerable to your partner. This may sound scary, but it is an important step in making you feel more comfortable when it comes to love. Common defenses against feeling vulnerable is withdrawing into a fantasy world or portraying yourself in a less favorable way.
   • Determine which defense to use to avoid feeling vulnerable. What is your defense? How can you lower it and start to be more vulnerable?
   • In your next relationship, try to see the big picture - using memories of past happiness as insurance for the future, or remembering the original commitment and promises to each other.
4. Discuss your fear with your partner or a trusted friend. Talking to someone about your fears and feelings may help you deal with your fear of loving and being loved. If you are in a relationship, consider sharing these feelings with your partner. Telling your partner how you feel can open the way to greater intimacy in your relationship. Make sure to have this conversation with your partner when both of you are calm, not after or during an argument.
   • If you're not in a relationship or you're not ready to talk to your partner about your feelings, talk to a good friend.
   • Start with something like, “I think my problem with past and present relationships were caused by some fears about love. I try to deal with these feelings so that the problems don't persist. Would you like to discuss this with me? ”
5. If problems persist, consider talking to a counselor about this. Sometimes the fears associated with love are so severe that you need help from a counselor. If your problems persist despite your efforts to make things better, consider talking to a counselor about these problems. A counselor can help you figure out what is causing the problems and then address them so that you can develop healthier relationships in the future.

Tips

• Be patient and persevere. It may take you a while to deal with your fear of love. Keep working on it and seek help if you don't see the progress you want.
• Love is amazing. You can get hurt, but you will always be able to love again.

Warnings

• If you are in a relationship involving abuse, seek help to get out of that relationship. You can call the telephone number of Veilig Thuis on 0800-2000. If you have been abused in the past, keep in mind that you may not be able to overcome your fear of love on your own.