Content

• To step
• Part 1 of 2: Express your concern and support
• Part 2 of 2: Preventing numbness and insults
• Tips

If someone you know has been diagnosed with cancer, it can be very difficult to know what to say or to express yourself. You want to show your concern, yet you also want to convey support and encouragement. Writing a letter can be a good way to go about this, because it will give you time to weigh your words carefully. The tone of the letter depends on your relationship with the person, but try to write a letter that makes your feelings clear and direct.

To step

Part 1 of 2: Express your concern and support

1. Say something. When someone has been diagnosed with cancer, you may feel dumbfounded and unable to process the situation. It's perfectly normal to be sad, but it's important that you don't drift away from your friend. Even if you don't know exactly what to say or how to respond, make an effort to reach out to that person and show that you are there as a friend.
   • By sending a short message or email first saying you've heard the bad news, you can help your friend feel a little less lonely.
   • You could say, "I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm thinking about you.'
   • It's okay to admit that you don't know what to say. Say "I'm not sure what to say, but know I'm here for you."
2. Offer emotional support. Everyone is different, but someone who has just been diagnosed with cancer is likely to feel very lonely. It is crucial that you show that you are there to support that person in any way you can. You can express your support by saying "Please let me know how I can help."
   • By just listening carefully you can make a difference to someone. Says something like "I'm here for you when you need to talk."
   • Offer to listen, but do not force the person to speak or disclose more information about the diagnosis.
3. Provide practical support. In your letter you will want to make it clear that you want to help in every possible way. This support can be practical as well as emotional. In some cases, practical help will be of great value to a friend who has cancer. Everyday tasks such as looking after the kids and pets or doing the laundry and cooking can be very difficult for someone who is feeling exhausted and weak.
   • Know that your friend may have a hard time asking you to help with anything.
   • Try to help in a normal way, even if it doesn't feel like it.
   • For example, if you suggest picking up the kids from school, you could say, "I'm always there when they finish school so I can pick them up on the way home with ease."
   • Don't just say "Do you want me to pick up the kids from school?", Make a direct proposal like "Let me pick up the kids from school today."
4. Be encouraging. It's important to say some words of encouragement and not to be pessimistic or gloomy. It can be difficult to find the right balance, but it is equally important that you do not project false optimism or undermine the seriousness of the situation. Acknowledge the situation, but always express your support and encouragement.
   • You could say "I know this is an incredibly difficult journey for you, but I am here to support and help you in any way I can to get you through it."
5. Use humor when appropriate. Depending on your friend and your relationship, humor can be a great way to express support and encouragement, and it will also put a smile on your friend's face. In a letter this can be very challenging because you cannot tell the reaction from the body language of the other person.
   • For example, joking about hair loss can be a great way to release some stress.
   • Judge for yourself, but when in doubt, it is better to avoid jokes in your letter.
   • If the person is currently undergoing treatment, he or she may be in need of some light entertainment. Use comedy as a way to relax. Watch a funny movie, go to a stand-up comedy show or watch a comedian's show together on the Internet.

Part 2 of 2: Preventing numbness and insults

1. Know that every cancer experience is different. You may know someone who has experienced cancer, but you should not include that experience in your friend's diagnosis. Try not to tell stories about acquaintances or friends who have also had cancer and never forget that each case is different.
   • Instead, you can make it clear to your friend that cancer is familiar to you up to a point and your friend can decide if he or she wants you to go into it more deeply.
   • Saying something like "My neighbor had cancer, but he's cured of it," probably won't comfort your friend.
   • You may give the impression that you are trying to divert attention from the person when you are trying to express your support and solidarity.
   • While you want to say the right things to your friend, it is even more important to listen carefully to the other person. He or she may tell you exactly what kind of support is needed.
2. Don't say you understand what your friend is going through. You may think that this is how you show support and solidarity, but unless you've experienced cancer yourself, you don't know how your friend is feeling, so don't say that. Avoid phrases such as "I know exactly what you're going through," or "I can imagine how you feel," because that may make you feel like you're not taking it seriously enough.
   • It comes across as very bad and numb when you try to compare your friend's diagnosis to a bad period in your own life or someone else's life.
   • If you know someone who has experienced cancer, you can mention or suggest introducing that person, but don't press.
   • You can just say "I have a friend who had cancer a few years ago, if you want I will put you in touch."
   • You can also express compassionate statements of support such as "I don't imagine what it must be like for you" or "I'll be there when you need me."
3. Don't try to judge or give advice. You may think it will help if you give advice on how to deal with cancer or how someone you know was helped by some alternative treatment. However, your friend won't want a long story about something that doesn't actually concern him or her. Offer advice on something that you don't have specific experience in or else it may seem numb, no matter how well you meant it. Leave advice to the doctors.
   • Nor is this the time to ask your friend about his or her lifestyle or habits.
   • Perhaps your friend is a lifelong smoker who has warned you about lung cancer countless times. That doesn't matter now. Just focus on providing support.
   • Regardless of what you believe, don't try to convince the person of some kind of treatment. It is entirely their choice whether they wish to try a traditional or alternative treatment.
4. Don't be blindly optimistic. While it's important to stay positive, don't say something like, `` I'm sure you will heal '' or `` No problem, you'll get it. '' You may be just trying to show support, but it can be interpreted as if you don't really take the situation seriously. You may not know all the details about the diagnosis and prognosis.
   • Don't force your friend to reveal more information about the diagnosis than he or she has already done.
   • Instead, try to independently educate yourself as best you can.
   • You can talk to friends or family to find out more information, but always respect your friend's privacy.

Tips

• Don't stop after writing a letter. Real support comes from continued actions and not just a few words.
• Do not treat the person differently because they now have cancer. Keep in mind to treat your friend exactly the same way you used to.