Content

• Steps
• Method 1 of 4: Planning for the Near Future
• Method 2 of 4: Communicating During Service
• Method 3 of 4: Daily Activities
• Method 4 of 4: Emotional Load

Soldiers serve their homeland, and they can be sent anywhere in the world at any time. It is difficult for people who are in a relationship with a soldier to adapt to this. Spending months away from each other will put your relationship to the test. It won't be easy, but there are many ways to make the task easier. Prepare for a breakup in advance so that you can take things more calmly. Communicate with your partner as much as possible when they are away from you. Constantly look for things to do and learn to deal with your emotions.

Steps

Method 1 of 4: Planning for the Near Future

1. 1 Start discussing your plans for the near future. Before your partner leaves to serve, you need to come up with a plan. You need to discuss how you will manage your time, seek help, and deal with emotions.
   • You will have to tell each other what you will be doing. A person who goes to serve will need to think about their work, seek help from colleagues and deal with stress. His partner will need to seek support from friends and family, keep himself busy, and deal with the anxiety and stress of separation.
   • Try to speak honestly and frankly. You both need to express your feelings (both good and bad). Often, due to the upcoming separation, people experience jealousy and self-doubt.
   • Take time to be alone with each other and talk. Communicate privately at home. If you have children, hire a nanny for one evening so you can talk in peace.
2. 2 Have an emergency plan. You must have such a plan. How will you contact each other? Who will need to help you at home? You should consider these issues before starting the service.
   • If you are staying at home, you need to know how you can get in touch with your partner quickly. You should also have a loved one to help you when your partner is not around.
   • If you are leaving, know how your partner will be contacted if something happens to you. Explain to your partner how you will provide psychological support if something happens at home.
3. 3 Discuss when and how often you will interact. It is imperative to agree on this prior to departure. Both of you need to know when and how often you will talk.
   • There are many ways to stay in touch during a service. The phone is not always available, but you can send emails, messages to instant messengers, chat via video or send regular letters to each other.
   • If possible, set aside one day a week to talk by phone or video. If the service is fairly predictable, you will know when you have access to your phone or computer. You will be able to arrange calls at specific times on these days.
   • You should also discuss what you will do if communication becomes difficult. Sometimes during the service, access to the phone or computer may not be available. Talk about what you will do at such times. You can decide to exchange regular letters.
4. 4 Think about who will provide psychological support for both of you. You and your partner should feel that you are not alone. Try to help each other find people to support you before the service begins.
   • The person who leaves may need the help of co-workers or higher-ranking officials. Think about who else might be helpful. It is important not only to keep in touch with your partner, but also to communicate with close friends and family. Think about whether you can count on the support of these people.
   • If you are staying at home, you should also consider who will help you. Talk to friends and family before your partner leaves. Your partner's friends and family may also be willing to support you.

Method 2 of 4: Communicating During Service

1. 1 Understand how your partner expresses his love and what he expects from you. It can be difficult to support each other at a distance. If you both understand how you express your emotions, it will be easier for you to feel more confident. People may need different expressions of love.
   • It is important for some to hear words that would convince them that they are loved. Such people love to be told that they are loved and missed. If your partner attaches great importance to words, try writing long letters and expressing your feelings in them.
   • For others, actions are more important than words. These people feel supported when their partner shows they care by doing certain things or when they send gifts. If your partner needs action, send him packages, record video messages for him, buy gifts.
   • Unfortunately, things get more complicated from a distance. Some people need physical contact and time alone with each other. During the service, this will not be possible, but you can remind your partner that you miss his touch and say that you miss watching movies together on a rainy evening.
   SPECIALIST'S ADVICE

   

   Elvina Lui, MFT

   
   
   Family Therapist Alvin Louis is a Licensed Family and Marriage Psychotherapist based in San Francisco. Specializes in relationship consulting. She received her Master's Degree in Counseling Psychology from Western Seminary in 2007 and interned at the Asian Family Institute in San Francisco and New Life Community Services in Santa Cruz. She has over 13 years of experience in psychological counseling and has been trained in a harm reduction model.

   Elvina Lui, MFT
   Family psychotherapist

   Get close in the midst of a difficult situation. Alvina Louis, family therapist, explains: “In fact, long-distance relationships often work well when one of the partners is in an isolated or stressful situation, such as military service. Difficulties are actually emotionally connected. According to my own clinical observations, military service only strengthens relationships, because during it partners show support and love towards each other.

   
   
2. 2 Send parcels to your partner if possible. If you have the ability to send parcels, do so. The package will remind your partner that you are thinking of them.
   • Put in the package photos, something tasty and small items of a sentimental nature. Get creative. If your partner has a good sense of humor, put a funny note or a postcard inside.
   • Try making so-called return coupons. Write something on pieces of paper (for example, "Back Massage Coupon" or "Restaurant Dinner Coupon") and send it to your partner. This will help your partner to be distracted and reflect on the future.
   • Before sending anything to a military unit, check the parcel requirements. It is possible that some items cannot be sent.
3. 3 Avoid misunderstandings. During the service, you will communicate a lot by e-mail or messengers, which means that sooner or later there may be misunderstandings. Printed text can be misunderstood: for example, completely harmless words can be mistaken for discontent. Try to find a way to communicate in correspondence so that your partner understands you.
   • Pause before sending your message. Reread the text and think if it could be misunderstood. Can you see discontent in your words? Sadness? Jealousy? If so, rephrase the words or add an emoji to let the person know that you don't mean anything bad. For example, the phrase: “I could not sleep without you last night,” - a person can perceive as indignation (that is: “I am upset because you are not there”). It is better to write this: "I love you so much and miss you so much that I could not sleep without you yesterday 3".
   • Remember that you yourself can be mistaken in the interpretation of the message received. If you think your partner is angry or upset, try to remind yourself that this situation can lead to misunderstandings. Calm down and then go back to the message and ask for clarification on what you are not sure about. For example: “I miss you too. But you're not angry that I left, are you? I just want to make sure I understood everything correctly :) "
4. 4 Tell each other about small, everyday pleasures. Sharing the events of the day with each other will make it easier for you to feel closer to each other. Tell us what you bought at the store or who you met at the gym. This will make your partner feel like he is next to you.
5. 5 Come up with an unusual way to support each other at a distance. Letters, calls, and messages can help you keep in touch, but it's important to get creative as well. If you come up with a non-standard way of communicating, your partner will appreciate it.
   • Make an album for the return of your partner and collect in it everything that happened while he was away. Scan the album pages and send them to your partner.
   • Send your partner clips from songs or movies that mean something to the two of you.
   • Use scents. Smells are closely related to memories. If you send a small container of your shampoo to someone, it will remind them of your scent.
   • Read the same book from a distance. This will help you bond and have something to discuss when your partner returns.

Method 3 of 4: Daily Activities

1. 1 Keep a diary. Journaling is a great way to organize your thoughts. If you serve, you can do this also. Take notes in a diary several times a week, record your thoughts and emotions related to the absence of a partner. When he returns, let him read the most touching notes.
2. 2 Do what you like. Long distance relationships are difficult. However, when your partner is far away, you have the opportunity to take care of yourself and your development. Use this time to good use - immerse yourself in your hobbies. Join a literary club. Sign up for a cooking class. Come up with a new hobby (like running or knitting). Try to make the most of this time and get to know yourself better.
   • If you are in the ministry, it will be more difficult for you to find something to do.Often during the service, you need to constantly do something, but sometimes a person sits idle. Of course, you won't be able to enroll in a cooking class, but you can do something for yourself. Try reading or writing more. Read books on topics that interest you.
3. 3 Surround yourself with people. You and your partner need to have people you can rely on. People are social creatures, and even if your partner leaves, you shouldn't be alone.
   • If you are in the ministry, do not be afraid to get to know your fellow workers better. Tell them about your experiences and how you deal with the difficulties of long-distance relationships.
   • If you are staying at home, socialize with friends and family. Keep in touch with your partner's relatives and parents. This will help you feel close to him, even from a distance.
4. 4 Try to think wider. It's important not to focus on the moment. If you're scared or nervous, talk to friends or family. If you know someone whose partner is also serving elsewhere, they can teach you not to focus on separation. This is a difficult time, but it won't always be that way. Remind yourself that this is all temporary and that it will only make your relationship stronger.
   • If you serve, you will most likely have colleagues who, just like you, have left loved ones at home. Talk to them about how you feel and ask them for advice. Many soldiers have served away from home more than once, and they know how to get through this time.

Method 4 of 4: Emotional Load

1. 1 Deal with the problems from your side. Distance provokes insecurity in a relationship. If you already have trust or confidence issues, distance can make things worse. Try to find a way to resolve your personal psychological problems.
   • Talk to your partner and other people about your concerns. Don't blame your partner for these feelings - just explain how uncomfortable you are. Support is never superfluous.
   • Analyze your trust issues and self-doubt. Perhaps the reasons lie in past relationships. Try to convince yourself that it's okay to be nervous when your partner is far away, but you shouldn't be overwhelmed.
2. 2 Accept that both of you will change during your separation. When you reunite, you will be a little different people. You will be separated by a large amount of time that you have spent apart. It is possible that during this time you will get used to relying only on yourself. Accept that when your partner comes back, your relationship might be different. And that's not always a bad thing. Both of you will change, but it will be good for you. You may appreciate your relationship more if you know that it has stood the test of distance.
3. 3 Let go of unrealistic expectations. Communication will be difficult at times. Try to come to terms with it. Sometimes the partner will be silent for weeks. During this time, seek help from others.
4. 4 If necessary, see a psychotherapist. Distance greatly affects relationships. It's okay to feel insecure, but if you feel like you're not coping with stress, make an appointment with a therapist. A specialist will help you sort out problems and find a way to overcome difficulties. Look for a therapist online or ask a therapist to refer you to a specialist.
   • Unfortunately, compulsory medical insurance in Russia and the CIS countries does not cover the services of a psychotherapist. However, in some cities of Russia there are centers for free psychological assistance to the population, where highly qualified specialists are employed. If your employer or yourself pays for voluntary health insurance (VHI) with the fullest coverage, it probably includes psychotherapy as well.Find out from your insurance company whether your policy covers such services, to what extent and what specialists working on VHI can advise.