Content

• Steps
• Method 1 of 3: Practice the basics
• Method 2 of 3: Avoid Common Mistakes
• Method 3 of 3: Respond to what you hear
• Tips

Do you tend to get lost in thought when another person speaks? Do you notice that people rarely have intimate conversations with you? You should probably develop your listening skills. Active listening can help you improve your relationships with others and enjoy communicating with others. Start by using basic techniques, then learn how to avoid common mistakes and respond better to what people say will help you become an engaged listener.

Steps

Method 1 of 3: Practice the basics

1. 1 Get rid of anything that might distract you. It is important to stay focused to listen to the other person, but it will not be easy if there are things around you competing for your attention. Before the person starts talking, take a moment to postpone or turn off any distractions. For example:
   • put your phone on silent mode and hide it in your pocket or bag;
   • turn off your TV, computer or any other gadgets;
   • Choose a quiet place to talk, such as a free corner in a cafe, your office, or a park bench.

   Advice: Many people find it easier to have serious conversations in the open air, where there are not many gadgets around. Try taking a walk in the park or in your area.

   
   
2. 2 Turn your face towards the other person and make eye contact with him. Making eye contact is an easy way to show the person that you are listening. Sit or face the person and look into their eyes. Do not strain your gaze, but do not wander around, do not check your phone or do anything that will constantly distract you from the interlocutor.
   • Do not stare at the person without interruption, as this can cause tension and seem strange. Look away from time to time, for example to reach for a glass of water or sit back in a chair.
   • During a one-on-one conversation, try to maintain eye contact for 7-10 seconds before turning away.
3. 3 Periodically smile and nod to show interest in what the other person is saying. These are simple ways to show your attention and interest in a person's words. Smile naturally and naturally as the other person speaks, and nod your head every few minutes.
   • Do not overdo it! You don't have to constantly smile or nod to show your interest. Just try to smile and nod every few minutes if the person has been talking for a long time.
   • From time to time inserting words like "Aha!", "Got it!" and “Yes,” you will also show that you are listening to the person and following the thread of the conversation.
   • Be sure to delve into the words of the interlocutor. If he says something serious or sad to you, it's best to keep a neutral expression rather than smile.
4. 4 Catch emotions in his words and body language. Much of what a person says can be broadcast in a subtle way. For example, in the manner of his speech, in his facial expression, in hand gestures or body position. Here's what to look out for:
   • The tone and timbre of the voice (high, monotone, or trembling). A high tone can mean anger or fear. A monotonous voice can indicate sadness or boredom, while a trembling voice can indicate intense emotional distress.
   • Facial expression (the person smiles, frowns, or grimaces). If the other person smiles, they are most likely happy, but if they grimace or frown, they may be angry or upset.
   • The position of the arms and hands (closed pose, arms crossed on the chest, or open palms). A closed posture can indicate frustration or anger, while an open posture indicates understanding and a willingness to interact.
   SPECIALIST'S ADVICE

   

   Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

   
   
   Family therapist Moshe Ratson is the executive director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a psychotherapy and counseling clinic in New York City. He is a Professional Certified Coach (PCC) certified by the International Federation of Coaching. Received a Master's Degree in Psychotherapy in Family and Marriage from Iona College. He is a clinical member of the American Association for Family Therapy (AAMFT) and a member of the International Coaching Federation (ICF).

   Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
   Family psychotherapist

   Show concern and kindness to encourage genuine communication. Family psychologist Moshe Ratson says: “The whole point of communication is to get rid of assumptions and begin to better understand each other.If you learn to listen with love and care, you will create an environment for healthy communication. ”

   
   
5. 5 Come back to reality if your brain starts to get distracted. If you get bored with the other person's speech (and sometimes even if you are interested in it), your brain may start thinking about other things. If this happens, force yourself to focus on the person's words again. Continue to do this as many times as necessary throughout the conversation.
   • Over time, it will become easier for you to remain focused, even if the words of the other person do not interest you.

Method 2 of 3: Avoid Common Mistakes

1. 1 If you are stressed, relax by doing a few deep breaths. Stress interferes with effective listening. If you find yourself feeling nervous, anxious, depressed, or simply stressed, take a long, slow breath through your nose. In this case, count to 4. Then hold your breath for 4 seconds and exhale for a count of 4.
   • Repeat this process as often as necessary during the conversation or until you feel relaxed.
2. 2 Try not to interrupt the interlocutor during his speech. Don't interrupt someone to share your story, brag, or comment on what they say - this can be off-putting. The person may even think that you are not listening to him. Suppress the urge to interrupt the speaker. Even if you think he’s finished speaking, pause and slowly count to 5 before taking the floor.

   Advice: Also, do not try to complete sentences for the person, even if you are absolutely sure of what they are going to say. It might upset him.

3. 3 Refuse any judgment or criticism of what the person is saying. While listening to the interlocutor, you should not mentally condemn or criticize his words. Even if you don't express your thoughts out loud, chances are they will be reflected in your facial expression or body language. Judgment or criticism will also prevent you from listening to what the person is saying, because you will already form your own opinion.
   • Try to show empathy for the other person instead of judging, criticizing, or blaming them. Think about how you would feel in his place.
   SPECIALIST'S ADVICE

   

   Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

   Family therapist Moshe Ratson is the executive director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a psychotherapy and counseling clinic in New York City. He is a Professional Certified Coach (PCC) certified by the International Federation of Coaching. Received a Master's Degree in Psychotherapy in Family and Marriage from Iona College. He is a clinical member of the American Association for Family Therapy (AAMFT) and a member of the International Coaching Federation (ICF).

   Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
   Family psychotherapist

   Try to be a good listener even during disagreements. Family psychologist Moshe Ratson says: “Do not get into a defensive posture or show selfishness during communication. Really listen to the other person and rephrase their words. If he says something that makes you uncomfortable, express it delicately and listen to his response. Then, when you take the floor, use the facts, listen to the inner feelings and stick to the first-person statements. "

4. 4 Do not think over the answer during the interlocutor's speech. You won't be able to listen effectively if you come up with an answer or rehearse it in your head. It is better to listen to the person to the end, and then spontaneously and sincerely answer him when he stops talking.
   • For example, if the person is telling a story about a “difficult” relative, let him finish and then react to his words. Don't start thinking about a reaction or remembering a similar story about one of your family members while the other person is talking.
5. 5 Only share suggestions if you can add something useful. It is not always appropriate to offer a solution to the person who has just shared a problem. In fact, perhaps he doesn't want it at all. If you think you can add something useful after he finishes speaking, think about whether it is really useful or if you are doing it just to say something.
   • For example, if a person has just told you about their financial problems, they are unlikely to appreciate general recommendations. However, if you have a specific suggestion that might be helpful in his situation, please share it.
   • When formulating sentences, focus on specific passages from the person's speech first, and then share your advice. For example, you might say something like, “You mentioned that you spend money as soon as it appears on the card. Have you thought about opening a special savings account so that you can immediately transfer part of your salary to it? "

Method 3 of 3: Respond to what you hear

1. 1 Rephrase the person's words to show that you were listening to them. Once the other person has finished speaking, you can show him that you were listening to him by paraphrasing the main idea or idea that he conveyed to you. The main thing is not to repeat what you heard word for word.
   • For example, if the person just told how their day went, you might say something like, “Wow! Looks like you've been very busy and this colleague fiasco sounds terrible! It's good that after that you went to yoga with your favorite instructor and cheered yourself up a bit. "
2. 2 Ask questions to clarify what you heard. If you don't understand something, it's okay to report it. This is actually a good way to show the other person that you were listening carefully. Try not to interrupt and wait for a natural pause to ask for clarification.
   • For example, you might wait for the person to finish the next sentence and then say something like, “Sorry, could you explain this again? I think I missed something. "
   • Or, "Wait, what did you say about your brother?"
3. 3 Use open-ended questions to encourage the person to talk more. Once the other person has finished their speech, you may want to encourage them not to stop. This will let him know that you are listening to him and are interested in his words. It's also a great way to keep the conversation going.
   • Try saying something like, "What happened after that?" Or, "How did you spend the rest of your day?"
   • Or, if he just told you that he visited a new restaurant on the weekend, find out more information by asking something like: “What was its name?”, “What kind of cuisine is there?”, “What did you order?”, “ Did you like it?".

   Advice: People love to talk about themselves, so asking open-ended questions is a great way to keep the conversation going. This can be a useful strategy when meeting a new person, such as on a date or at a party.

4. 4 Let the person know that you cannot listen to him right now. To be a good listener, it's important to consider your own needs and feelings. If you are too stressed, distracted, or busy to listen to the person, it may be better to let them know rather than trying to force yourself to participate in the conversation.
   • For example, you might say something like, “I see this is important and I don’t want to miss anything. Can we talk tonight? Now I'm late for a meeting. "
   • Or, “I really care what you have to say, but I can't concentrate right now. Maybe we can choose a time and talk tomorrow? "

Tips

• Learn to listen with something interesting or informative. For example, listen to an audiobook, comedian talk, or radio.