Content

• Steps
• Part 1 of 3: Deal with the aftermath of an argument
• Part 2 of 3: Fix maladaptive behavior
• Part 3 of 3: Repair the relationship

After a fight, people can get so angry and feel betrayed that rebuilding the relationship seems almost impossible. It is very difficult to maintain a healthy relationship without disagreement. The balance between quarrels and reconciliation is not easy and a lot depends on your perception. Learn to resolve conflicts for the common good and move in a positive direction.

Steps

Part 1 of 3: Deal with the aftermath of an argument

1. 1 Distance yourself. In the heat of a scandal or in the aftermath of a conflict, it is difficult to see the situation in its true light. The person with whom you quarreled is perceived as "worse than ever" and his every action looks like a kind of defensive initiative. Try to distance yourself a little from the fight so that you can clearly see the situation and the person. Take a couple of steps back and look at them from a different angle.It may be that you should weaken the critical perception and accept responsibility for your "contribution" to the quarrel.
   • Focus on yourself, not your partner. Can you appreciate your own feelings of guilt, shame, or fear? How are your inner demons affecting relationships?
2. 2 Discuss accumulated feelings. Without starting a new fight, discuss feelings, situations, and other factors that caused the disagreement. Pay special attention to your feelings. How did you feel before the conflict? And during a quarrel? Ask similar questions to the other person and talk openly about your feelings.
   • Before an argument, you might feel tired, lonely, hungry, or depressed. It is likely that you experienced stress at work or school and came home with this feeling.
   • During an argument, you may feel neglected, attacked, defensive, misunderstood, fearful, depressed, ashamed, or lacking in love.
3. 3 Restore the missing parts. With this person, discuss aspects that you missed out on during an argument. Is there a misunderstanding? Was there an erroneous assumption? You could not convey to the interlocutor what you meant (or vice versa)? Why did the conversation turn into a conflict and did not return to the framework of the conversation? What triggered the rift?
   • Think about how to build rapport in the future and not jump to conclusions. What lessons can be learned from the last disagreement?
4. 4 Recognize the importance of each other. For a second, forget about the subject of the argument and acknowledge each other's feelings. Listen carefully to the interlocutor. Don't interrupt or rush to express your own opinion. Let him complete every thought. Loosen your defenses and let the person into your heart. Discuss both views of the situation and remember that there are no "wrong" opinions.
   • For example, a quarrel could arise on the basis of money, but the partner was provoked by the fear of a lack of funds and he flared up. Instead of fighting over money, acknowledge your partner's fear and the permissibility of such feelings.
5. 5 Take responsibility. Acknowledge your "contribution" to the fight. Agree that you blamed your partner, said rudeness, or made conclusions based on only part of the information. Admit that you closed out emotionally, flared up from scratch, took out stress on your partner, or took it for granted. Take responsibility for what you say and do, but don't reproach.
   • Say: “I understand that in many ways I provoked our quarrel. I have been working late all this time and am in constant stress from this, so I lost it. I haven’t got enough sleep for several weeks now, so I’m so sensitive and irritable, so it all poured oil into the fire".
6. 6 Sorry. Forgiving gives us a sense of freedom and allows us to let go of grievances or resentments. If you harbor a grudge, there can be physical and emotional consequences.
   • Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting and pretending that nothing happened. Forgiving means letting go of the situation and moving on.

Part 2 of 3: Fix maladaptive behavior

1. 1 Avoid a cycle of demands and rejections. Demands and refusals are a common model of behavior in relationships: one person raises an issue (cleaning the house, finances, or taking care of children), and the second immediately shirks responsibility (crosses his arms, immediately refuses to listen). If the nature of the quarrels is constantly repeated, then learn to prevent them at an early stage. For example, if a refusal manifests itself in the form of crossed arms, then recognize this development and try to take a different approach. Offer to take a break and return to the conversation after you're ready to hit it off.
   • If you notice this behavior, then say: “I don’t want this conversation going around in circles over and over again. Let's stop, think about the situation and then continue.”
2. 2 Express your feelings. Get rid of the habit of blaming everything on the person so that he does not feel the need to defend himself.The phrase "It's a pity I never saw you at the party yesterday" sounds quite different from the words "Why didn't you come yesterday? Where were you?" Focus on yourself, not the other person. Formulate and express your feelings openly. It may seem like it's much more natural to blame others, but it's better to speak in the first person and express your own feelings.
   • For example, if you are angry, then instead of "I can't believe you did this, what stupidity and carelessness" it is better to say "I am in great pain, I just cannot understand your actions."
3. 3 Develop self-control. Learn to control yourself when you want to explode, blame a person, or become obsessed with negative thoughts. Find ways to ease your negative emotions and control yourself. Practice mindfulness, notice the transition to negative thinking, learn to recognize the hidden causes of behavior and ways to release negative emotions.
   • If you notice a negative thought or emotion, then turn your attention to the body. Where exactly do you feel the negativity? Try to relax that part of your body. How does relaxation affect your thoughts and feelings?
4. 4 Change your behavior. Sometimes it is not the person himself that upsets us, but his behavior. It is better not to dwell on who is "right" or "to blame", but to think about the nature of the behavior. It may turn out that quarrels are often associated with a certain moment (before the visit to the parents) or a situation (the day of payment for the apartment). Try not to be angry with the person, but to change your behavior.
   • If you are in conflict over dirty dishes, say: "I noticed that we often fight over unwashed dishes. I'm tired of scandals. Can we try to solve the problem differently?"
5. 5 Recognize the differences. Some things are simply impossible to accept, as well as to agree in views on certain situations. Accept the differences between you without criticism or blame. Realize that you can love your partner in spite of all differences. There is no such person in the world who will agree with you in everything. Learn to discuss the reasons for and impact on specific differences. Understand and accept the fact that some things simply cannot be changed.
   • For example, you may have certain political views based on your upbringing, experiences, or beliefs. Explain this to your partner and allow him to express his opinion about the situation. Accept your partner despite all the differences between you.

Part 3 of 3: Repair the relationship

1. 1 Trust. This is an important aspect of a relationship. You can always build trust between partners. If the person is depressed, then try to understand him and not push him away. Learn to respond gently, kindly, openly, empathetically, and understanding. Pay close attention to times when you want to do something but your partner needs help. In such a situation, it is better to postpone your desires and support your partner.
   • If your partner is sad, find out why. Little by little, show concern and trust, be there and do not close your eyes even to the little things.
2. 2 Share your experiences. Consider if there is a place for shame in your relationship. You or your partner may be ashamed of your behavior or try to shame each other during an argument. Better to avoid shame in your relationship. Talk about it. Feelings of guilt or shame are not conducive to positive behavior or change.
   • Discuss your worries about the relationship to relieve fear, shame, or guilt. Share your look and reach out to your partner.
3. 3 Restore emotional closeness. The beauty of a nascent relationship is getting to know your partner better, finding common ground, and understanding yourself better. Try to relive those feelings again, share your emotions, and ask questions. Share your hopes, dreams, stupid desires and fears.
   • Find a ready-made list or come up with your own discussion questions.For example, ask the following questions: "What would you like to know about your past or future?", "If you could talk to one animal, which animal would you choose and what would you ask about?"
4. 4 Touches. Make an effort and bridge the distance between you for a warm hug. Touch each other (hug, place your hand on your shoulder, and hold hands) to strengthen the bond between you and show empathy. This is the only way to get closer and restore emotional contact.
   • If you're having an argument with a romantic partner, don't forget about touching. Show that you are willing to show support and love emotionally and physically.
5. 5 See a psychotherapist. This recommendation is especially useful for romantic partners. A professional can help you deal with the underlying problems in a relationship and help you choose a commonsense approach. Together, you will learn to communicate better, resolve conflicts effectively, and strengthen your emotional connection.
   • Consider helping a professional, even if it's not a romantic relationship. A psychotherapist helps to solve family problems, to improve relationships between parents and children, brothers and sisters.