How to get rid of savior syndrome

Content

Steps
Method 1 of 3: Develop Healthy Relationships
Method 2 of 3: Focus on Your Needs
Method 3 of 3: Solve Hidden Problems

Do you constantly feel the need to help others and solve other people's problems? Such a savior complex, or white knight syndrome, at first glance, is justified solely by the desire to provide assistance. In fact, the savior complex is an unhealthy habit that people often use as an excuse to postpone solving their own problems. If you suffer from this complex, there is a solution to the problem.Change your attitude towards others, focus on your own needs, and also find the reason for the compulsive need to help in order to get rid of the bad habit.

Steps

Method 1 of 3: Develop Healthy Relationships

1 Learn to actively listen. Often people just need to talk, not find a solution. The big problem with saviors is that they believe others are helpless and unable to solve problems on their own. If you learn to actively listen to others, you will notice that your help is not required, you just need to lend a shoulder for support and listen.
- If a partner or friend tells you about a problem, try to get the gist rather than seek an immediate answer. Face the person and maintain eye contact. Pay attention to body language in order to correctly assess the emotional state of the interlocutor (for example, tense shoulders can indicate fear, doubt).
- Use non-verbal cues like nods to show attention. Separate the words you hear and your value judgments to better understand the other person. If you are not sure that you understand the essence correctly, then ask clarifying questions: "Did I understand correctly that ...?"
2 Don't rush to interfere. When you are actively listening to a close friend, resist the urge to offer help and wait. If you give a person such an opportunity, then often he is able to find a solution himself. It is possible that you unknowingly developed a friend's helplessness as you tackled their problems over and over again.
- Make an effort not to offer help or advice when a loved one talks about their problem. Repeat to yourself: "I will be there, even if I do not solve other people's problems."
- If your friend is going through a difficult moment, show that you understand and empathize, but don't offer your help. For example, say, "I'm so sorry you had to face this." It is enough to show empathy without actively participating in solving the problem.
3 Only offer help if asked to do so. One aspect of the savior complex is that you seek to provide help even if no one asks for it. Your belief that everyone is just waiting for help from the outside can even be perceived as an insult, since you defiantly express doubts about the ability of people to solve problems on their own. Only help if asked to do so.
- For example, if a friend talks about difficulties, then just listen and do not offer her any solutions. Only give your opinion if she asks "What do you think about this?" or "What is the best way for me to proceed?"
- If a friend asks you to help, offer only the help you can. Set boundaries and don't commit yourself to overwhelming obligations. For example, say, "I can't go to your friend's place for you, but I can help you forget about the fight."
4 Don't take responsibility for other adults. Even in the closest relationship with a partner, relative or friend, it should be understood that people are responsible for their own lives. Trying on the role of a savior, you assign everyone else the role of helpless children or incapacitated.
- It can be difficult to watch a loved one in pain or make a mistake, but you don’t have to always come to the rescue and solve every problem.
- In fact, testing is often the cornerstone of positive change and personal growth. A person learns and develops when he experiences difficulties. By solving problems, you deprive a person of the opportunity to learn and develop.
- Help people become independent and ask how they are going to find a way out of the situation. Ask questions like "How do you plan to solve this problem?" or "What solutions do you find most suitable?"
5 Accept your own imperfection. Often, people with a savior complex try to look like embodied virtue by lecturing about other people's misconduct and bad habits. Contrary to your best intentions, a loved one may perceive your constant moralizing and help as a low assessment of their own capabilities.
- People are not perfect. A person who does not admit his mistakes is also wrong!
- It should be understood that success is a subjective concept. Doing the right thing for one person may not be right for another. You can act with the best of intentions, but a person can see things completely differently.
- Are your assumptions about what is good for the other person correct? This is especially true for peer relationships. At the same time, there are things that are unambiguously bad and require immediate intervention: violence, drug use, suicidal tendencies.
- Accept your strengths and weaknesses. Your help and advice may be helpful, but the opposite is also possible. There are no people who always do everything well.

Method 2 of 3: Focus on Your Needs

1 Be alone. "Saviors" and "white knights" often change partners, "saving" the helpless and defenseless. If this sounds like you, then try pausing. If you are not currently married or in a long-term relationship, try temporarily enjoying the loneliness and taking care of your own needs.
- Spend time alone periodically to help you become more aware of your compulsion to help or save others. Explore the reasons for this behavior.
- You can determine how long you should abstain from relationships in order to achieve your goal. For example, give yourself six months. During this period, set personal goals for self-improvement.
2 Set objective goals. People with a manic urge to help others often put this need ahead of personal development. Moreover, considering himself as a savior, a person sets unattainable goals for himself, which negatively affects self-esteem. Set realistic goals for yourself to believe in yourself again.
- Choose a goal that keeps you focused on yourself. The goal can be any: at least to lose weight, at least to write a book. Set SMART goals: specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, time-limited.
- For example, decide: "I want to lose 7 kilograms in 10 weeks." Next, determine how you can achieve this goal: "I will eat vegetables three times a day, exercise 5 days a week and drink only water."
- Review your goals with a loved one. From the outside, it is easier to understand how realistic such goals are. Also, a person can give useful advice on how to achieve a goal.
3 Create a self-help system. Individuals with a savior complex often devote all their time and energy to others, ignoring their own needs. Get your balance back and help yourself. Create a routine that includes different recovery procedures and activities.
- Create a relaxing evening ritual to help you sleep better. Get in the habit of exercising (like running or yoga). Take care of your nails or hair every week. You can simply take a warm bath while listening to soothing music. Pay attention to yourself.
- Ask a friend or relative to follow you. Choose someone who will occasionally check how you are taking care of yourself. Discuss the frequency of these checks together.

Method 3 of 3: Solve Hidden Problems

1 Explore repetitive patterns of behavior in past relationships. Are you aware of an inner need to save or control others? Some readers of this article may not admit they have a problem. Evaluate your relationships with people and try to find examples of an obsessive desire to help others.
- Did you only stay in a relationship because your partner needed you when you weren't happy yourself?
- Do you often worry about other people and other people's problems?
- Do you feel guilty when others help or assist you?
- Do you feel awkward when you allow others to experience negative emotions, so you start solving other people's problems?
- Would you say that you end an unhealthy relationship and immediately re-associate yourself with someone similar to your previous partner?
- If the answer is yes to at least one question, you should contact a psychotherapist. It can help identify unhealthy behavior.
2 Notice personal aspects that you have neglected for a long time. It may turn out that because of the desire to help everyone around you, you have experienced emotional, psychological, or spiritual hunger. Study yourself and carefully consider your personal needs. It is possible that you have projected your own shortcomings onto other people.
- Define your personal values. What beliefs, attitudes and principles guide you when making decisions and setting goals? Are you living according to your personal values?
- Examine your emotional intelligence. Do you know how to recognize and find an effective outlet for emotions?
- Take a look at your self-esteem. Does your opinion of yourself depend on how much others value your help?
3 Acknowledge and come to terms with childhood trauma or indifference. The compulsion to sleep or to rush to help others is often rooted in childhood experiences. Researchers believe that individuals with a savior complex or white knight syndrome are trying to get rid of negative self-perceptions that arose in childhood. Low self-esteem, indifference, or mistreatment contribute to the development of this complex. A person may choose partners or friends who face problems similar to his childhood experiences.
- Awareness is the first step towards increasing self-esteem. Notice the repetitive nature of the relationship and show compassion for yourself. Say out loud, "I am drawn to unhappy and toxic people because I am trying to help the part of myself that I was wronged as a child."
- In addition to realizing this connection, you should contact a specialist who will help heal mental wounds.
4 See a therapist for a codependent relationship. Deep inside, a person with a savior complex or a white knight's cider may experience pathological dependence on other people. Codependency occurs when a person feels the need to rely on others to fill an emotional void. In a sense, he neglects himself for the sake of others, since his self-worth is determined by the desire to feel that people need him.
- See an experienced professional to solve codependency problems.
- You can also attend counseling group meetings for people with similar problems.
- Study the information on codependent relationships to better understand your problem. Try to find an individual solution.