Content

• Steps
• Part 1 of 4: Master the Art of Dialogue
• Part 2 of 4: Work for Results
• Part 3 of 4: Use your body language
• Part 4 of 4: Think Positively, Effectively, and Confidently
• Tips

Some of us are sociable by nature. This is just one of the personality traits, and this is where its best sides are manifested. Others, in order to become sociable, need to learn this and train a lot. "Sociability" refers to the ability to present yourself to others, strike up a conversation and show self-confidence.

Steps

Part 1 of 4: Master the Art of Dialogue

1. 1 Give thanks in front of everyone. Too often, we carry out our daily activities with the participation of other people, forgetting to express our gratitude to them. The next time you order coffee or pay for groceries at the checkout in the supermarket, smile at the person who helps you. Make eye contact and say thank you. This simple gesture will make you feel more comfortable with different people, while others will simply cheer you up.
   • A small compliment can also play a significant role, especially in a service situation. Don't forget that the checkout clerk or the bartender in the coffee shop serves several hundred people a day, most of whom either ignore them or are rude. Don't be like that. Don't be impatient and don't comment on people's appearance. You can just say, "Oh, thank you so much so quickly!" - thereby, you will demonstrate that you value their work.
2. 2 Maintain eye contact. If you are in an area where people are actively interacting, such as at a party, try to maintain eye contact with other people as much as possible. When you catch someone's eye, smile in a friendly way. If the person will answer you the same, come up and talk. (Especially if they smile back at you!)
   • If the person didn't react, that's okay.The main thing is to be “sociable” and not “intrusive”. Do not insist on communicating with someone who is disinterested in this.
   • This approach is not particularly effective in situations where people do not expect someone to approach them, for example, on public transport. Part of being sociable means understanding where and when it is appropriate to approach people, and where and when it is better not to do so.
3. 3 Introduce yourself. You don't have to be cute to be a friendly and outgoing person. You can start a conversation by saying that you are here for the first time and giving the other person a small compliment.
   • Pay attention to the same shy loners. Most likely, you will be uncomfortable to abruptly change the role of "quiet" to "socialite". If you are at an event, look for those who are also shy or obviously uncomfortable. Most likely, they are as uncomfortable as you are. They might be happy if you take the first step and initiate a conversation.
   • Be friendly, but avoid being pushy. After introducing yourself and asking a couple of questions, step aside if you feel that the person is not interested in communication.
4. 4 Ask open-ended questions. One of the great ways to become an outgoing person is to learn to ask open-ended questions. Questions like these give the interlocutor the opportunity to go beyond a short "yes" or "no." It is much easier to start a conversation by asking the other person to tell you a little about themselves. If you've already made eye contact and exchanged smiles, start with a question. Here are some similar questions for example:
   • How do you find this book / magazine?
   • What do you enjoy doing here the most?
   • Where did you find this awesome shirt?
5. 5 Give compliments. If you are interested in people, then you simply have to note all sorts of little things that you like about them. Only give exceptionally sincere compliments! A far-fetched compliment is felt a mile away. Say something like:
   • I have read this book. Great choice!
   • I love your shoes. They look great with this skirt.
   • Is this an almond latte? Great, I pamper myself like this every Monday.
6. 6 Look for what you have in common. The first conversations, as a rule, are always built on the search for something in which both sides agree. In order to identify a topic for conversation, you need to try to find what you have in common. If you work together or have mutual friends, or have somethingwhat unites you, consider that half the battle is done. A conversation about your boss or your friend Yulia, or those same culinary classes will open the way for you to further topics of conversation.
   • If this person is a stranger, start with a general scenario. For example, if you are in a bookstore, you might ask the person for a favorite book recommendation. If you are both stuck somewhere for a long time, you can joke about this.
   • Compliment, but be careful that it doesn't sound like an appreciation. For example, you can compliment a haircut and ask which hairdresser it was made by. Or say that you have been looking for exactly the kind of sneakers that this person is wearing for a long time, and ask where he bought them. Don't touch on topics that might seem offensive: don't comment on size, skin color, or physical attractiveness in general.
7. 7 Pay attention to what inspires the person you're talking to. If Person A is obsessed with thermodynamics and Person B is obsessed with Italian coffee (and who would know why?), The conversation won't get very far. One of the two will have to pick up the topic of the second. Let this person be you
   • While you are engaging in this awkward social conversation in search of community, try to catch the moment when your interlocutor perks up. You will hear it and see. Both facial expressions and voice will become more expressive, and, perhaps, you will even notice certain body movements.All people show excitement in about the same way: imagine how you yourself look, sitting on your skate - others look the same when the conversation comes to a topic that is fascinating to them.
8. 8 Engage in casual conversations with your coworkers. If you have a job, then most likely there is an environment in which, with a certain amount of effort, you can establish communication. Identify a place where people are just hanging out, whether it's a break room or a worker's office.
   • A water cooler is not the best place to discuss sensitive topics such as religion or politics. Suggest topics such as pop culture or sports for discussion. No matter how close people are to sensitive topics, everyone feels safer to avoid them in order to maintain an overall friendly attitude.
   • Sociability in the workplace can play a very important role. The fact that outgoing people are more friendly than quiet people is just a myth, but people tend to think of outgoing people as more friendly and positive. Building relationships and communication within your team can help you gain the recognition you truly deserve.
9. 9 Always end your conversation on a positive note. Let your interlocutor want to continue after your communication. The surest way to do this is to make it clear to the person that you are always open to communication with him. End the conversation tactfully so that the other person does not get the impression that you are trying to get rid of him.
   • For example, if you've been discussing your pets, ask where is a good dog park. If the interlocutor is willing to share information, you can suggest taking a walk together: “Do you recommend the park behind South Boulevard? I've never been there. Maybe walk there together next Saturday, what do you think? " A specific sentence is usually more effective than “let's meet sometime again,” because in this case your interlocutor can be sure that you are not just saying this out of politeness.
   • After finishing the conversation, say any of the main points of your conversation again. Your interlocutor will make sure that you listened carefully and will feel your interest. For example: “Good luck on Sunday at the marathon! Hope to hear more details next week. ”
   • Finally, confirm that you enjoyed the conversation. "It was very nice to meet you" or "Great conversation, thank you." Thanks to such words, your interlocutor will feel their importance.
10. 10 Communicate with everyone everywhere. Now that you are familiar with the basics of the art of dialogue, you need to start using your knowledge with all people who meet you on the path of life. At first, you may be uncomfortable engaging in conversations with people who seem too “different” to you. However, the more different people you bring into your life, the more you will begin to realize how much you have in common - after all, we are all human.

Part 2 of 4: Work for Results

1. 1 Set clear and healthy goals for yourself. Becoming sociable is an elusive goal, primarily due to its complete abstractness. It will become easier for you if you break large goals into smaller ones. Instead of convincing yourself to be more sociable, make it your goal to strike up at least one conversation, reach out to a stranger, or smile at five people every day.
   • Start small. Try at least once every day to engage in a secular, non-binding conversation with an unfamiliar or familiar person. Even if this is a difficult task, try just smiling. Say hello to your neighbors. Remember the bartender who has been serving you coffee every day for the past three months? Ask what his name is. Small victories like these will help you maintain a determined mindset and take bolder steps in the future.
2. 2 Join the club. If you are unsure how to make social contacts, join a hobby club. You will have a lot of opportunities to communicate, usually in a narrow circle, with people who share common interests.
   • Find a club that is specifically designed to be an environment for people to communicate with each other, such as a book lover or a culinary arts club. You can ask questions and engage in discussions, but the focus will not be on you. This kind of context is just perfect for shy people.
   • Shared experiences can play an incredibly important role in creating new connections. A club that offers its members a shared experience can be a great launching pad. Consider that you already have a lot in common.
3. 3 Invite people to visit. You don't even need to leave your home to become social. Invite people to a movie night or dinner. If you are welcoming, people will feel that you appreciate them (and, most likely, they will have a good time in your company).
   • Come up with activities that help you find topics of conversation. Offer to host a French wine tasting party in your home where everyone tastes different wines and compares their notes. You can organize a large group lunch where everyone has to bring their favorite dish (or their grandmother's) and share the recipe. Providing guests with a topic to communicate will create a light and relaxed atmosphere at your event. (And let's be frank, dinner and wine hasn't stopped anyone yet.)
4. 4 Master a hobby. Everyone needs to feel like they are good at something. People have an innate need to "control" something. A hobby can be one of the simplest ways to satisfy this need. When we do something really, really good, we feel pride and confidence in ourselves in general. After all, if we succeeded, who's to say that something else won't work?
   • In addition, a hobby provides a lot of opportunities for meeting and meeting new people and is very beneficial for health, as it significantly reduces the risk of depression.
5. 5 Focus on what is greeted by clothes. It may sound corny, but numerous studies have proven that your clothes can have a very significant impact on your sense of self. A look that helps you express your personality and values, builds confidence and fosters sociability.
   • One study showed that even when people simply put on a white coat, they became more attentive and accurate when completing simple scientific tasks. If you are nervous about interacting with people, wear something that will give you a sense of confidence and attractiveness. Your inner feeling will be transmitted in the process of communication.
   • Clothing can also be a great conversation starter. If you wear a funny tie or bracelet with a lettering, other people will have the opportunity to come up to you and strike up a conversation about this topic. You can also compliment your appearance if you want to meet someone.
   • Be careful not to include evaluative comments such as "You are so slim in this dress!" Comments like these focus more on generally accepted beauty standards than on the merits of the particular person you are complimenting. It is better to use a more neutral excuse: "I like the design of your tie so much - a very filigree pattern" or "I have been looking for a similar pair of shoes for a long time - can you tell me where you managed to find this model?"
6. 6 Build existing friendships. Do not forget about those who have already become your friends, and those you already know. You will not only strengthen existing connections, but also bring new experiences into your life that you can share with new acquaintances.
   • Old friends are a great way to practice.They can introduce you to new people or accompany you to places you would never go alone. Don't forget about them! They may be experiencing the same difficulties as yourself.
7. 7 Introduce people to each other. In a sense, being sociable means helping people feel comfortable in their interactions. Once you feel comfortable getting to know each other yourself, start showing love for people by introducing them to each other.
   • Introducing people to each other can help reduce social awkwardness. Think about what you know about each of the people - what do they have in common? Talking to Katya from the handicraft store, take a moment to call your friend: “Hey, Seryozha, this is Katya. We were just discussing the performance of a new band at a jazz festival. What do you think of them? ”- knowing full well that they both like jazz. Happened!

Part 3 of 4: Use your body language

1. 1 Observe your body language. Non-verbal communication - body language and eye contact - say as much about you as words do. According to body language researcher Amy Cuddy, your body also sends messages to others through its behavior. People rate each other for attractiveness, friendliness, competence, reliability, or alertness in a matter of seconds. According to some studies, you can only have 1 / 10th of a second to make a first impression.
   • For example, if you are trying to physically look "smaller" - crossing your legs, hunched over, hiding your arms, and so on, it gives the impression that you are uncomfortable in this situation. This way, you can send a non-verbal message that you have no desire to communicate.
   • On the other hand, openness in gestures demonstrates confidence and strength. You don't have to take up too much space or invade the space of others - it’s enough to comfortably establish yourself in your own space. Standing or sitting, place both feet firmly on the surface. Straighten your shoulders and cover your chest area. Try not to fuss, shake your head from side to side, or shift from foot to foot.
   • Your body language also affects your own gut feeling. Those who use “weak” body language — trying to look smaller or defending themselves by crossing their arms and legs — actually experience increased levels of “cortisol,” the stress hormone associated with feelings of insecurity.
2. 2 Maintain eye contact. Eyes are the "mirror of the soul", you can become a more sociable person, just by learning how to maintain eye contact with others. So, for example, if you look a person directly in the eyes, this is interpreted as an invitation to communicate. The other person can give a long, reciprocal look to agree to your invitation.
   • Those who maintain eye contact with the other person during the conversation are generally rated as friendlier, more open and trustworthy people. Extroverts and people who feel confident in society look more and more in the eyes of those with whom they are talking or interacting.
   • People are programmed to find eye contact attractive. Eye contact awakens a sense of connection in people, even if the gaze is depicted in a photograph or simply in an artistic sketch.
   • Make it a goal to maintain eye contact with the other person 50% of the time you speak and 70% of the time you listen. Hold your gaze for 4-5 seconds before looking away.
3. 3 Express your interest with your body. In addition to sitting or standing when you are on your own, you can also use body language in communication. "Open" gestures demonstrate your interest in the interlocutor and willingness to continue communication.
   • Open gestures mean no crossing of arms and legs, a smile and a straight, calm gaze.
   • Once you've made contact with someone, show interest in them.For example, lean towards the other person and shake your head in time to the conversation, thereby demonstrating your involvement and interest in the other person's thoughts.
   • Many of these gestures are used to express romantic infatuation, but other than that, they are equally successful in demonstrating an interest in a person and in a more general, non-romantic sense.
4. 4 Become an active listener. By listening to the person, be involved in the conversation. Concentrate on what the other person is saying. Look at the person when he tells you something. Nod your head in agreement, smile and use interjections, for example: "Aha", "Mmm", "Nda". This will show that you are following the conversation.
   • Try not to look over the interlocutor's head or around for more than a couple of seconds, otherwise this can be interpreted as a sign of boredom and inattention.
   • Repeat the key thoughts of the other person or include them in your answer. For example, if you’re talking to a new person who tells you about his passion for fly fishing, mention it in your next line: “Wow, never fly fishing. However, the way you talk about it suggests that it must be quite entertaining. " So the other person will understand that you really listened to him, and did not hover in the clouds and did not build your future plans in your head.
   • Before you put your word in, let the person finish.
   • Do not rehearse the answer to yourself while listening to the interlocutor, and do not rush to speak up as soon as he stops talking. Concentrate your attention entirely on the words of the interlocutor.
5. 5 Learn to smile. If you have ever heard the expression “smile with only eyes,” then keep in mind that there is scientific research behind it. People can tell the difference between a "real" smile and a fake one due to the fact that a real one requires a lot more facial muscles. There is even the term "Duchenne smile" meaning a real smile. This smile uses the muscles around the mouth. and around eyes.
   • The Duchenne smile has been shown to reduce stress levels and arouse feelings of happiness in those who are smiling. And if you begin to experience less anxiety, then sociability will be much easier for you.
   • Research has shown that you can "learn" to smile with a Duchenne smile. One way is to remember or imagine a situation in which you are experiencing strong positive emotions: joy or love. Try expressing these emotions through a smile while standing in front of a mirror. Check for wrinkles in the corners of your eyes - this is the main sign of a "real" smile.
6. 6 Push yourself out of your comfort zone. According to psychologists, there is a zone of "optimal anxiety" or "productive discomfort" that borders directly on your comfort zone. Being in this zone makes you more productive because you are willing to take risks to a certain extent. However, you are not so far from your "safety zone" as to be paralyzed by anxiety.
   • For example, at a new job, on a first date, or in a new class, chances are you are trying harder than usual because the situation is new to you. That being said, the increased focus and willingness to put in more effort increases your overall productivity.
   • Don't take too drastic steps. Forcing yourself to move out of your comfort zone too far or too quickly will only hurt yourself, as anxiety levels can easily switch from "optimal" to "inadequate." Take small steps at first. Over time, as you become more comfortable with taking risks, you can take more serious steps.
7. 7 Reconsider your attitude to "failure": regard them as learning experiences. Along with the risk, there is the possibility that this risk is realized, and you will not get the result that you expected. It is always tempting to regard such situations as "failures."The problem with this worldview is to devalue everything else. Even in the worst case scenario, there is always something to learn for yourself in the future. After all, it’s better to be a smart hindsight.
   • Reflect on how you approached the situation. What are you planning? Did something unplanned happen? With the experience now at your disposal, what would you do differently next time?
   • What have you done to increase your chances of success? For example, if your goal was to communicate more, what actions did you take in that direction? Have you visited places where you can meet acquaintances? Did you take a friend with you? Have you found a place to meet people who share your interests? Did you expect to transform into a socialite in the blink of an eye, or did you break your goal into a series of small but achievable steps? Next time, with the knowledge you need at your disposal, lay a straw for your future success.
   • Concentrate on what you "can" control. Failure makes us feel powerless, as if we were never destined to succeed. But despite the fact that some phenomena are beyond our control, there is also what is in our hands and forces. Think about what exactly you have the power to influence and what you need to do in order to use it for your own good next time.
   • Research shows that many people tend to link their self-esteem closely to their performance. Learn to give more value to your efforts than to the results (which are often beyond our control). As you stumble, learn to show compassion for yourself. These techniques will help you do a lot better next time.

Part 4 of 4: Think Positively, Effectively, and Confidently

1. 1 Fight your inner critic. Changing your behavior is not easy, especially when what you are trying to learn is not given to you by nature. Perhaps you constantly hear a quiet voice inside yourself that instills in you something like: "She does not want to be friends with you. There is nothing to even talk about with you. Whatever you say sounds just stupid." Such thoughts are not based on facts, but on fears. Resist them by reminding yourself that you have something to share with others.
   • Notice at what point your mind triggers these "scenarios". For example, when one of your colleagues passes by without saying hello, you automatically think: "Oh, she seems to be angry with me. I wonder what I did. I knew that she would not want to be friends with me."
   • To overcome this thinking, look for factual confirmation of it. Most likely, you are unlikely to find much. Ask yourself: The last time this person was angry with me, did he tell me about it? And if he did, he probably would have said it this time. Have you really done something that could cause a negative reaction from this person? Is it because this person is in a bad mood today?
   • Many of us, especially those who are naturally more shy, tend to exaggerate other people's perceptions of our mistakes and mistakes. If you are open, honest, and friendly, most people will not attach much importance to your accidental misconduct. Self-torture about your mistakes will only lead to the fact that internal anxiety will become a hindrance to the growth and development of the individual.
2. 2 Become sociable on your own terms. There is nothing wrong with being an introvert or shy person. Determine what exactly you would like to change in yourself, and change, but for the sake of "yourself" and not for someone who insists on it ..
   • Reflect on why you are so uncomfortable with your shyness. Perhaps this is the very case when the decision lies in simply accepting yourself for who you are. Being yourself and being shy at the same time is much better than giving up yourself and pretending to be an extrovert.
   • Remember: In what kind of situations do you feel overwhelmed by shyness? What exactly provokes it in these situations? How does your body react? How do you tend to act in such situations? Knowing how you are behaving is the first step to taking control of your reactions.
3. 3 Imitate until it becomes part of you. If you wait until you feel "inclined" to do something, the chances that you will actually make the change you want are extremely slim. Research shows that you can achieve more effective results simply by behaving the way you would like to behave - no matter how convincing you seem to yourself at first. We know that due to the "placebo effect", our expectations of the result are often enough to get the result. Mimicking until certain behaviors become part of you is truly a working tool.
4. 4 Set realistic goals for yourself. Jimi Hendrix did not become a guitar virtuoso overnight, and Moscow was not built right away. You won't become a socialite in a couple of days. So set realistic goals for yourself and don't beat yourself up for another set of failures. We all go through this.
   • Only you alone know what you have to overcome, and what is given to you with ease. If you were asked to rate your "sociability" on a 10-point scale, where would you mark yourself? Now think about what kind of behavior would allow you to add another point to yourself? Concentrate on this task before you set yourself a goal to climb to 9 or 10.
5. 5 Realize that this is a skill. Sometimes it seems that all these secular chameleons, who are in full view, were born that way. And this is partly true: some people are naturally predisposed to be attentive to other people and to make an impression - but in general, this is an acquired skill. The scientific world tends to think that you can learn to change your reactions to certain situations by developing new habits in thinking and behavior.
   • If you know sociable people (and you definitely know them), ask them about this character trait. Have they always been like this? Have you ever felt the need to "learn" to be sociable? Do they have their own (albeit limited) understanding of social phobia? Perhaps you will hear in response: no, yes and yes. And it will become obvious to you that this behavior is the result of a decision once made to take control of the situation.
6. 6 Think about your past successes. Somewhere at a noisy party, when you think about the need to communicate with people, you may be seized with a familiar anxiety. You may have negative thoughts about your ability to have fun with people at a party. In this case, remember those situations when you were able to spend time pleasantly with other people and feel comfortable at the same time. You may be quite outgoing with your family and friends, at least sometimes! Transfer this experience of successful communication into the current situation.
   • Remembering all the times when we managed to do something, for which we had to overcome our fear, we are convinced again and again that we are capable of it. This awareness gives confidence.

Tips

• Be open to your surroundings and live in the present. If you yourself do not experience the pleasure of communication, no one will.
• Smile as often as possible. Alone with yourself or in the circle of others. Smiling will cheer you up and you will be more inclined to communicate.
• Once you're comfortable starting a conversation, take the next step. Learn to conduct a conversation and win people over to you.
• Take the initiative. If you see a stranger who is interesting to you, just walk up and ask: "What is your name?" and, after waiting for an answer, continue: "And I (insert your name), and I would like to make friends."You may be treated like an eccentric, but that's okay. At the very least, you will demonstrate friendliness and a willingness to communicate.
• Resist the temptation to behave inappropriately for who you are. The basis for confidence is to be yourself.
• Keep in mind that the path from shyness to confident communication doesn't happen overnight. It may take weeks, months, or even years before you reach a comfortable level of confidence. Give yourself time. Practice communicating with different people. In a classroom or on a board of directors, it doesn't matter.
• If people are interested in your life, remember to ask them similar questions in return. It is easy to forget about it, but it is thanks to such questions that you can enrich your communication.