Content

• Steps
• Warning

Assertiveness lies between the boundaries of passivity and aggression. If you are passive, you cannot speak out your needs; if you are aggressive, you look like a bully and misdirected boredom. If you are assertive, and you can express your needs while respecting the needs of others, you have more opportunities to get what you want and deserve.

Steps

Part 1 of 8: Distinguish between Assertive, Aggressive, and Passive

1. 

   Understand assertive communication. Assertive communication is accompanied by respect for the feelings, needs, and opinions of others. The assertive communicator avoids infringing on the opponent's rights while asserting his or her own, seeking compromise in the process. Assertive communication uses actions and words to calmly draw lines between needs and wants, while conveying a message of confidence.

2. 

   
   
   Learn verbal expression in assertive communication. Verbal cues for assertive communication convey respect, sincerity, and certainty:
   • Comfortable, confident tone
   • Fluent and sincere
   • The volume is suitable for the situation
   • Collaborative and constructive

3. 

   Learn to show gesture in assertive communication. As with verbal cues, non-verbal communication must also convey assertive behavior and show respect, sincerity, and confidence:
   • Listening carefully
   • Eye contact
   • Relaxed posture
   • Smile when satisfied
   • Frowning when angry

4. 

   
   
   Learn to think in terms of assertive communication. Assertive people will automatically think in a way of confidence and respect for others. Their thoughts might look like this:
   • "I do not take advantage of, or attack others."
   • "I will fight for myself with a respectful attitude."
   • "I present myself in a direct and open way."

5. 

   
   
   Learn aggressive communication. Assertiveness is often confused with aggression. Aggression lacks respect for others. It completely ignores the needs, feelings, wants, opinions and sometimes the safety of others. Aggressive communication is defined by angry or commanding behavior, self-promotion, and manipulation.
   • Verbal expressions in aggressive communication include: sarcastic or objectionable tone of voice, blaming, screaming, intimidation, bragging, or humiliating.
   • Gestures in aggressive communication can include: trespassing on someone else's personal space, holding hands, crossed arms across chest, frowning, looking down at others.
   • Thoughts in aggressive communication: "I am so strong, I will make others obey", "I control others" or "I refuse to be hurt".

6. 

   Learn passive communication. Silence and assumption are the hallmarks of passive communication. Passive communicators lack self-respect, ignoring personal opinions, feelings, needs and wants. Passive communication involves putting the needs and wants of others above yourself. Passivity takes energy away and lets others decide everything. :
   • Verbal expression in passive communication: hesitation, silence, self-dismissal, self-deprecation.
   • Gestures in passive communication: avoid looking at others, looking downwards, posture sullenly, cross arms, cover mouth with hands.
   • Thinking in passive communication: "I'm not trustworthy" or "People think I'm pitiful".

7. 

   Think about your influence. From a young age, our behavior is adjusted to suit the reaction from the surrounding environment; family, coworkers, officials. Communication styles such as passive, assertive, and aggressive can be extensions of cultural, generational, and situational influence. Assertiveness is more valued in Western society.
   • The previous generation will have trouble acting assertively. Men have been taught that expressing emotions is a manifestation of weakness, while women have been taught that expressing their own needs and opinions conveys angry messages. Sometimes it can be difficult to properly manifest in each situation.

8. 

   Don't blame yourself for the communication style. Don't blame yourself for not understanding what assertive communication means. Other communication styles such as passive and aggressive are also part of this vicious circle. You can break that barrier by learning to think and behave assertively.
   • If your family teaches you to value the needs of others over your own, it can be difficult to become assertive.
   • If your family and a group of coworkers handle conflict by yelling and arguing, then you are probably "infected" by their handling.
   • If your social group believes negative emotions should be concealed, or if you've been ignored or ridiculed for expressing that kind of emotion, then you will learn not to show them.
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Part 2 of 8: Emotional Insights

1. 

   Start writing a diary. To learn assertive communication, you must learn to effectively manage your emotions. Just seeing through your own emotions is enough to change the way you communicate with others and you can express your emotions in a more assertive way. Journaling is the best way to capture your behavior by recording specific situations and asking questions related to assertiveness.

2. 

   Identify the situation as you were when you were filming a movie. Take note of situations that incite you. Stick to reality and avoid giving no further explanation in the first step. For example, just write "I invite you out to eat and she refuses".

3. 

   Identify your feelings in the situation. Be honest with your feelings. Identify your feelings at the time, and rate your emotions on a scale from 0 to 100. Just be moderately good, but be honest with yourself.

4. 

   Determine your reaction to the situation. Note any physical symptoms you are feeling at the time. Ask yourself, "What did I do?" and "How does your body feel?"
   • For example, if someone ignores your call, you experience abdominal discomfort or tension.

5. 

   Determine your thoughts in the situation. This thought can be assumptions, explanations, beliefs, values, v, v. Ask yourself, "What did I think?" or "What happened in my mind?" For example, you could write: “I agree to go out to eat when she asks her, so she should have agreed to go with me” or “She refused. want to be my friend ”.

6. 

   Evaluate the strength of each thought. Again use the 0 to 100 scale, or set it to “100” if you believe it to be 100% strong. Then ask yourself, "Am I thinking passively, decisively, or angrily?" Note down the answer to this question. Record all evidence for or against each thought. Evaluate them as another possible explanation of the situation.

7. 

   Determine how to react more assertively in the situation. To find a balance between assertive thoughts and actions, you must ask yourself, "How is thinking and responding more assertive?"

8. 

   Re-evaluate your feelings. After assessing the situation, re-examine the level of your feelings and beliefs in the situation. Rate it on a scale of 0 to 100.

9. 

   Try to journal regularly. Through journaling exercises, you reduce your emotional level. Evaluate your emotions, thoughts, and reactions across many different situations. If you keep practicing, you can think and act more assertively. advertisement

Part 3 of 8: Learning to communicate effectively

1. 

   Understand the benefits of assertive communication. Assertiveness is a communication style that allows you to confidently express your needs and feelings, while at the same time thinking about other people's opinions, wants, needs, and feelings. That is the substitution of passive and aggressive expression. There are many benefits to you if you learn to communicate assertively:
   • Strong and effective communication
   • Confident
   • Personal ego enhancement
   • Be respected by everyone
   • Improve decision-making skills
   • Reduce stress when a need is not met
   • Can resolve conflicts
   • Raise self-esteem
   • The feeling of being ignored or constrained is replaced by a feeling of understanding and control over all decisions.
   • Less tendency to be depressed
   • Reduce potential substance abuse

2. 

   Say "no" at the right time. Many people cannot speak easily. However, saying “yes” when you should have refused could lead to undue stress, resentment and anger at others. When you say no, always have the following in mind:
   • Briefly
   • Clearly
   • Honest
   • For example, if you don't have time to do something, just say "I can't this time. Sorry for disappointing you, but that day I was busy, my schedule is tight."

3. 

   Be calm and respectful of others. When you talk to someone, stay calm and respectful. This allows others to notice what you say and respect you.
   • Take a deep breath when you feel frustrated. This action calms the body and helps to control itself.

4. 

   Use simple sentences. Communication can be a simple task, what you want when communicating, and what it means to communicate is a common myth. This can lead to frustration and controversy in relationships. When communicating with someone, express your feelings, wants, opinions, and needs in simple sentences. This helps the other person understand your words clearly.
   • For example, instead of saying a long, meaningful sentence to a family member, you could say directly and succinctly: "I like when you call me just to talk! I would appreciate it if you call in the evening.

5. 

   Use the first person when assertive. The first person conveys that you are ready to take responsibility for your thoughts and actions. There are several ways of first person communication depending on the situation:
   • Basic assertion: This first person is used in everyday situations to express needs or give praise, information, and facts. Basic assertiveness can also be used in self-disclosure situations to relieve stress and help relax. In the following scenario: “At 6 o'clock I have to go” or “I like your presentation”.
   • Assertive empathy: This special first person contains the elements to identify the emotions, needs, and desires of the listener, and at the same time expressing individual needs and wants. It is used to show your sensitivity to others "I know you are busy but I need your help".
   • Determine the consequences: This is the most powerful form of the first person, often used as the final assertion. It is sometimes mistaken for anger if you are not careful in your actions. The consequence assertion informs the other party of the penalty for not changing his behavior; often used in situations where someone does not take the rights of others seriously. For example, not following procedures and instructions at work: “If I violate again, I have no choice but to discipline you. I also don't want to have to act ”.
   • Assertive differences: This first person is used to indicate the difference between before and after agreement. It is used to clarify misunderstandings / contradictions in action. You could say “As far as I understand, we agree that project ABC is the number one priority. Now you are asking me to spend more time on project XYZ.I want you to clarify what is our number one priority ”.
   • Assert your negative emotions: This first person is used when you have negative feelings for others (anger, resentment, hurt). It allows you to convey emotions without losing control, and warns the other party of the consequences of their actions. You can say “You delay the report, affecting my weekend work. I feel very annoyed about this, so from now on I would like to receive a report by Thursday afternoon.

6. 

   Use appropriate body language. Remember when to be assertive, physical communication is also important. It can be difficult to think of you as assertive if you act passively or aggressively because you are disinterested in gesture communication style.
   • Keep your voice calm and volume medium
   • Maintain eye contact
   • Relax your facial muscles and body posture

7. 

   Take time to practice assertive communication. Getting used to assertive behavior requires long-term practice. Practice communicating in front of the mirror. Alternatively you can practice talking to a therapist or counselor. advertisement

Part 4 of 8: Learn how to manage stress

1. 

   Find out what causes stress in your life. Controlling emotions is a challenge and it can affect the way we communicate. When we are stressed or depressed, our body goes into a state of tension and triggers a hormonal and chemical response to prepare ourselves mentally for the threat. The way of thinking in this situation is completely different from when you are calm, mentally and physically clear, making it difficult to use your assertiveness skills.
   • Know when you are stressed out. Make a list of things that stress you out.

2. 

   Practice meditation. The relaxation method brings the body into a balanced physiological state. For example, meditation has the effect of calming the brain long after meditation. Meditation has a direct effect on the amygdala nodes in the brain center, which are responsible for controlling emotions. Try to set aside 5-10 minutes a day to meditate.
   • Sit in a comfortable chair or pillow.
   • Close your eyes and focus on your current feelings. Pay attention to your body's emotions, sounds you hear, or smells you feel.
   • Shift your focus to breathing. Breathe in, hold it, and then exhale, doing 4 beats each step.
   • Whenever you lose focus, don't judge, let go of the thought and focus on your breathing.
   • You can recite the mantra, or say something to cheer you up, such as "I can be peaceful" or "I can be happy."
   • You can practice guided meditation to help you visualize the relaxing element.

3. 

   Practice deep breathing. When you are in a stressful situation, taking deep breaths can help reduce stress and think clearly. Take a deep breath by slowly breathing in and out.
   • Sit comfortably in a chair, feet on the floor, hands on feet. Gently close your eyes.
   • Breathe through your nose, observing the breath as you inhale and exhale.
   • Slowly extend each inhalation, taking a deep breath down into your abdomen. Pause for a while, then exhale gently, remember to maintain regularity.
   • Begin counting breaths. Inhale for 3 seconds, exhale for 3 seconds. Slowly, steadily and control your breathing. Don't try to speed up.
   • Maintain breathing for 10-15 minutes.
   • Once finished, gently open your eyes. Relax for a moment, then get out of your chair.

4. 

   Muscle relaxation. If you're worried about meditation or don't have enough time to sincerely exercise, you can relax by relaxing your muscles. This technique activates the body's calm response and returns the body to physiological balance by stretching and relaxing each muscle group in the body. You should spend 15-20 minutes a day practicing muscle relaxation:
   • Sit comfortably in a chair, feet on the floor, hands on thighs, and eyes closed.
   • Start with a wrist grip, holding for 10 seconds. Then release, feel the relaxation for 10 seconds, then repeat.
   • Stretch your lower arm by bending your wrist, hold for 10 seconds. Relax and relax for 10 seconds. Then repeat the movement.
   • Continue exercising in other parts of your body, stretching and relaxing each muscle group. Start with the upper arms, shoulders, neck, head, and face. Then continue with the chest, abdomen, limbs, hips, thighs, calves and feet.
   • After doing a full body activity, sit still for a few minutes to enjoy a relaxing sensation.
   • Get up slowly to avoid dizziness (blood pressure drops when you relax) or sudden muscle tension.
   • If you can't take 15-20 minutes to complete the exercise, you can work on the muscles that are most prone to tension.
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Part 5 of 8: Making Effective Decisions

1. 

   Use IDEAL approach to making decisions. Making decisions is an important part of being assertive. You can take control of your own life and make the right decisions, instead of letting others decide on things and letting yourself be influenced by the judgment of others. By identifying the problem, you can find the prerequisites for making the right decision. The Niagara Public Health Association recommends using the IDEAL method:
   • I - Identify (Identify) the problem.
   • D - Suggest (Describe) solutions. The solution could be to handle it yourself, ask someone else to intervene, or do nothing.
   • E - Evaluate the results of each solution. Evaluate your feelings and needs to decide the best option for you.
   • A - Act. Choose a solution and try. Use the first person to express feelings and needs.
   • L - Learn. Is the solution effective? Review why or not effective? If that doesn't work, find and try another solution from the list.

2. 

   Consider stakeholders. There may be many parties influenced by your decision, but not everyone is involved in your decision. Consult with relevant people.
   • You can consider the other parties when making your decision, but the final choice is up to you.

3. 

   Understand the purpose of the decision. Decisions are driven by the need for some action. Spend time defining the purpose behind the action. This helps ensure that you make the right decision.

4. 

   Make timely decisions. Procrastination is a major obstacle to assertive decision-making. Don't leave the decision until the end or you will rule out some solutions. advertisement

Part 6 of 8: Setting Healthy Boundaries

1. 

   Protect your physical and mental space. Boundaries are the physical, emotional, and intellectual barriers that you create so that you don't get hurt. Healthy boundaries protect your personal space and ego and maintain the ability to separate your emotions from others. Unhealthy boundaries make it easy for you to be influenced by the emotions, beliefs and actions of others.

2. 

   Set boundaries. When communicating where you need to discuss your needs, it is important to know the boundaries. Always keep the lines in mind before you speak to help prevent you from getting lost or interfere with your personal needs when talking because it helps you avoid arguments.
   • For example, set boundaries with your boss: not working on weekends or working overtime without 3 days notice. When talking to your friends, set the line of not going to the airport to pick her up again until she pick you up when you need it.

3. 

   Learn to say no. If you don't want to do something, then don't do it. You can deny someone. Just remember that, for you, the most important person is still friend. If you do not respect your own wishes, who else can do it?
   • You may think that pleasing others are fine for you, but unfortunately, generosity often has the opposite effect on humans.
   • People only appreciate the things they have to put time / effort into, so if friend as someone who does everything for free, your ego will disappear and he will skyrocket. Stand up. People may protest at first, or even be shocked by your change, but in the end they will respect it.

4. 

   Declare your opinion with respect. Don't be silent if you have something to say.Share your feelings freely: it's your right. Remember, there's nothing wrong with giving your opinion. Just make sure you choose the right time to present that opinion. Clearly state that what you have to say is important and needs attention.
   • Practice in minority situations. Do your friends love the new TV show everyone is talking about? Don't be afraid to admit that you are not interested in it. Has anyone misunderstood what you said? Don't nod and follow along; explain what you are going to say even if a misunderstanding doesn't do any harm.

5. 

   Determine your needs. Determine what makes you happy and what you need. This helps you to develop expectations of others and in turn, how you want others to treat you. Think about situations you do not like when you are being treated with respect from both sides, or situations that others do not take into account you. Consider what makes you feel more respected.

6. 

   Be honest with your own wishes. Acting confidently cannot help you if you are not being honest with yourself or are trying your best to follow the "flow theory". People will be mindful of your needs if you tell them clearly.
   • Releasing the burden of decision-making is the act of avoiding responsibility and letting the other person suffer passive-aggressive consequences. Next time your friends ask where you want to go to eat, don't answer "Anywhere"; Please give them a specific answer.

7. 

   Propose solutions that work for both parties. A good approach is to set out a "we" mentality and propose a solution that will benefit both sides, if the situation allows. Thus, everyone's feelings are considered and heard.
   • For example, if you drive your roommate to work every day but she doesn't pay for gas, talk to her about it. You can say, “I don't mind you using a car all the time. But buying a car is very expensive and I'm saving you money and time, otherwise you would have to ride the bus every day. So mind if we split the gas bill together? I will be very grateful ”. This way, you can find out if she doesn't understand your feelings. Now she understands the problem and you don't need to use accusatory tones.
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Part 7 of 8: Confidence Project

1. 

   Evaluate your own confidence level. Confidence reflects your ability to understand and see yourself. Include self-awareness and the position you think is appropriate for you in society. If you look at yourself negatively, it can be difficult to be assertive in your thoughts, beliefs, needs, and feelings. Furthermore, you may feel shy about asking questions when clarification is needed, you focus too much on the negative side, and lack confidence in yourself. Self-doubt inhibits assertive communication. Assess confidence through the following questions:
   • Do you make eye contact when talking to others?
   • Do you have the right voice?
   • Do you speak confidently (without "um" or "uh")?
   • Is your posture comfortable?
   • Can you ask questions when you need clarification?
   • Are you comfortable around other people?
   • Can you say no when you need it?
   • Can you express anger or frustration when needed?
   • Do you give your opinion when arguing with others?
   • Do you protect yourself from mistakes that were not your fault?
   • If you answered with 3 or less questions, you are confident. If you answer no to four to six questions, you are more likely to see yourself in a negative way. If you answer no to more than 7 questions, you are having trouble with confidence. You often doubt your values ​​and put yourself in a low position in society.

2. 

   Use your body language with confidence. The way you control when you talk about yourself long before the opportunity to open your mouth. Straighten shoulders and raise chin. Avoid being restless (put your hand in your pocket if you have to) or cover your mouth when you speak. Make eye contact when speaking to show confidence.
   • Try not to let others read the taste, especially if you are nervous or unsure. Hide "feeling" by controlling your hands, feet, and facial expressions so that people won't notice it.
   • If eye contact is a problem, practice with sunglasses, then do it without them. If you constantly roll your eyes or look into space while thinking, don't look down.
   • Even if you are nervous or confused, you can show confidence. Don't be afraid to ask questions.

3. 

   Speak clearly and deliberately. Talking quickly will make people not listen. Speak slowly so everyone can focus. Clear, calm voice. You don't have to say it out loud, but it should be enough for others to hear.
   • If the people aren't paying attention, you can say "annoying everyone" clearly and firmly. Don't apologize for doing nothing wrong, because it makes people think you are ashamed of your own existence.
   • Try to be short. Even the most confident communicator in the world loses an audience if it is too verbose.
   • Avoid speaking Um or like too much when you're trying to make a strong statement. Make a conscious effort to remove those words from the dictionary.

4. 

   "Refurbished" appearance. It may sound superficial, but people often judge you based on your appearance. Someone who exudes confidence and personality can change other people's minds, but not many of us have that luck. If you dress like you just woke up, or wear overly makeup and high heels, the average person will think you're not serious. On the other hand, if you show a willingness to accomplish people, people will value you more.
   • Dressing doesn't mean dressing up. If you are a casual person, focus on choosing clean, decent clothes that don't have any quirky slogans or images.
   • Making an effort to create a decent look will help you look a bit serious about what you intend to do.

5. 

   Practice what you're going to say. It sounds silly, but if you want to communicate confidently, you need to be sure when the moment comes. Is there a better way than training? You can practice in front of the mirror, on the tape recorder or with a close friend, imagining them as your boss, or someone you plan to talk to.
   • By that point, recall your confidence in practicing and show even more confidence in speaking.
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Part 8 of 8: Seeking Outside Help

1. 

   See a counselor or specialist. If you feel like you need help being assertive, see a professional. The counselor or specialist is trained to help people communicate in a healthy and meaningful way.

2. 

   Try assertiveness training. Many universities offer assertiveness training courses for students. This will help you practice assertiveness while discussing a variety of situations where you feel needing help to act assertive or manage stress in a bad situation.

3. 

   Practice with best friends. Being assertive takes time and effort. Ask a friend to practice communication skills in different situations. The more assertive you face in situations, the more confident you will be. advertisement

Warning

• During an argument, emotions can be pushed up. Remember to keep your head cool and respect the other person.