Content

• Steps
• Advice

Assertiveness expresses your needs frankly to yourself and to others. Assertive communication styles and assertive behaviors can make you feel more satisfied and fulfilled. It can also help you express your confidence, make others feel comfortable and confident when interacting with you. Although assertiveness in communication is sometimes misinterpreted as arrogance, selfishness, and pointlessness, knowing how to set clear boundaries, communicate your needs and ideas easily. With understanding and respect, you can improve relationships with others, whether that person is a colleague, friend or your emotional “object”.

Steps

Part 1 of 3: Laying the Ground for Assertiveness

1. 

   
   
   Compare assertive and passive behavior. Assertiveness is not arrogance. Passive people often allow their interests to be violated by agreeing to do things they do not want to do, daring to make their own decisions, being overly humble and unwilling to convey their thoughts and feelings. me frankly. Assertive people are not afraid to say "no" to inappropriate and unreasonable demands. They are properly confident in expressing their feelings, needs, and behaviors towards others.
   • An assertive person does not allow his or her interests to be violated nor infringes the interests or feelings of others for their own benefit. Assertive people have a strong sense of intrinsic beliefs (feeling they are acting according to their values ​​and doing their best).
   • Assertiveness promotes honesty, emotional frankness and interpersonal relationships. If you don't stand on your own feet or depend on others to make all the decisions, you won't be satisfied with your personal relationships. Non-assertive people generally have a low happiness index and low level of peace of mind.

2. 

   
   
   Recognize assertive behavior. Assertive behavior has to do with how you say it as well as what you say. Assertiveness does not mean offending or degrading others, it is an expression of the right to think, to be met with needs and feelings. The following acts are considered assertive:
   • Express your feelings clearly
   • Talk to others about your needs in a relaxed manner
   • Avoid cursing, profaning, and other inappropriate expressions
   • Communicate frankly and honestly
   • Recognize the rights of others to communicate
   • There are statements of cooperation and interest in the opinions of others.
   • An example of assertive behavior is when someone cuts in front of you in line, you say to them in a calm voice, “I'm the next one. I do not accept for you to interrupt like that.
   • If the situation is reversed when you accidentally interrupt your line, assertive action would be to accept responsibility and apologize: “Sorry, I can't see you standing in line. I will be behind you ”. Accepting responsibility assertively does not mean you have to bend your back or lower yourself, it is about recognizing the needs of others and yourself.

3. 

   
   
   Remember that assertiveness is a skill that is practiced. Although some people are born more assertive than others, assertive and appropriate communication is a skill that takes time and practice. This is especially true for women, who often experience social and cultural pressures to control assertive behavior and communication.
   • Apologizing and accepting responsibility is a healthy, helpful response when you are not engaging in proper communication.

4. 

   Realize that you have rights. Social and cultural pressures may lead you to believe that you have no right to say “no” in certain situations, such as at work or with friends. If you are a woman, you may also face social prejudice when you are assertive, labeled as "loud", "proud" or "aggressive". However, it's important to understand that no one deserves the experience of feeling worthless and intimidated. You have the right to have needs, thoughts and feelings, and to express them appropriately.

5. 

   Know where you need to change. If you often feel pressured to agree at work or with friends, or feel depressed or helpless when interacting with others, then you may need to practice assertiveness there. . Remember that passive behavior doesn't really do someone good; it can leave you being underestimated and taken lightly, and passivity also means not being straight with everyone.
   • Try journaling about times when you felt threatened, forced, pressured, or felt passive or timid. This can help you identify which aspects of your problem are most difficult, and where you should focus on exercising assertiveness.

6. 

   Help. If you know that reacting assertively is difficult for you, then getting the help of a trusted person is also a good idea. It could be a friend, lover, superiors or a consultant. Describe your situation and problem as specifically as possible, and then describe the behavior changes you desire.
   • For example, if you find it difficult to turn down part-time projects even without paying extra compensation, you can talk to a trusted colleague about assertive strategies for claiming benefits next time. The above asks you to do extra work.
   • You can also practice assertive responses to people you trust before you apply them to real difficult situations. Exercising will help you learn to approach the situation appropriately, while also helping you with anxiety.

7. 

   Practice in less stressful situations. To be an assertive person in communication takes time and practice, and for those who are not used to asserting themselves, this can cause a lot of anxiety. Try practicing this skill in safe situations where you can show your assertiveness with confidence and not be under too much pressure when communicating.
   • For example, if you often have trouble asserting your will, then the next time you are at a restaurant or in a coffee shop the next time your order is mistaken, politely state it and ask for treatment. Reasoning: “I ordered a medium-cooked steak. But this piece of meat looked like it was well done. Can you do it again? "

8. 

   Examine the context of the situation. Sometimes, passive or aggressive people may assume you are arrogant even though you are not. It is important to recognize when these criticisms are misinterpretations of your behavior, and when they might be true. In response to these criticisms, try to emphasize that you want to cooperate, not overwhelm.
   • Passive people may view assertiveness as rude because they are not used to speaking out for themselves. Passive people may find an open and direct style in assertive communication different from the way they behave and will misjudge assertiveness.
   • Passive-aggressive people often express their thoughts and feelings indirectly, often trying to hide their true feelings and punish others by withdrawing, sulking, etc. Passive aggression is very harmful to relationships and communication. Because they are used to hiding their emotions and only expressing them indirectly, people who are passive-aggressive may view bluntness with assertiveness as rude or hostile.
   • Aggressive people may be angry when assertive people stand up for self-defense instead of fearing their demands. They may be used to thinking about communication revolving around only the things they want and need. They may even interpret assertiveness as hostile because they are used to valuing themselves over others and waiting for others to treat them that way.
   • In some cases, others may misjudge your behavior due to their own biases and views.Racism and other types of prejudice and prejudice can lead people to judge your behavior against false and unhelpful standards. For example, in American culture, the destructive and pervasive prejudice of "ferocious black women" may cause some to label the assertive behavior of every African American woman as aggressive. Western women are often expected to be "gentle" and can be harshly judged for their assertive attitudes. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to change someone's mind once they have such prejudices.
   • The power imbalance in situations can also lead to misinterpretation. For example, if you are in charge of a team, it is easier for the people under your authority to view your actions and requests as selfish than assertive. Focus on being cooperative, taking into account the feelings and needs of others, and encouraging others to express yourself. Caring for those around you is key to keeping your behavior assertive without falling into an aggression.
   • Focus on the steps for “Good Assertiveness” in part 2 to make sure your behavior is assertive without being passive or aggressive.
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Part 2 of 3: Training for Right Assertiveness

1. 

   
   
   Be an active listener. It is important to let people know your boundaries and feelings and it is important to give them space to talk, discuss, and express your feelings. Ask follow-up questions throughout the conversation and show assertiveness by nodding, gesturing, and showing consent.
   • Look directly at the person talking. You don't have to stare at the other person, but try to maintain eye contact 70% of the time as you listen. This communicates to the speaker that you are interested and paying attention.
   • It is easy for people to make the mistake of thinking about what they will respond to before the other person is finished. For example, when a friend tells you about her bad day, you might think about it. your while she was still talking. Doing so means you are not focusing on the other person.
   • If you have trouble concentrating on what the other person is saying to you, try repeating or summarizing what they are saying in your mind. This will force you to pay more attention.
   • When it is your turn to speak, try using a question or expression to clarify what you have just heard. For example, if you hear your partner complain about what you did to upset her, you should clarify what you just heard: “I heard you say _____, right?”. This will prevent you from hasty conclusions or misunderstandings.

2. 

   
   
   Humility and modesty. Assertiveness and modesty create a harmonious combination. The decisive person doesn't have to climb all the way to the top of the house and scream "I, I, I am, look what I have done!" It's okay to get complimented on something you've done well, and it's okay to remind people that you've made a contribution, as long as it's not boasting or aiming. in lowering others to elevate themselves.
   • Showing humility doesn't mean you're weak or humble. You can celebrate your success and congratulate yourself on doing something well. As long as you do not "drown" others to lift yourself up.
   • For example, if someone compliments you that your presentation was great, don't think that you should respond like, "Wow, it's nothing." Responding like this has undermined your effort and real results. Instead, respond assertively, acknowledging your own efforts with humility: “Thank you! I work hard and I also have great help ”.

3. 

   
   
   Use statements with the subject "I". Statements that focus on what 'you' are feeling, thinking, or experiencing are a way to express your needs without blaming others or "reading others '' ( think you know what other people are thinking or going through). You can express your feelings like “I like ___” and “I don't want ___”, and offer constructive criticism like “I feel upset when you ____”.
   • For example, if a co-worker forgets your lunch date with you, don't assume it is because she doesn't care. Instead, use a phrase that says "I" and then pave the way for her to explain: “I feel sad that you don't go to the place where we had a lunch date. What happened?"
   • Express your true feelings. For example, when you're invited to an event at a company you don't want to go at all, you shouldn't say something like, "Oh, I think I'm going, but that's not really what I like." Instead, say, “I really don't like crowds. I do not want to go".

4. 

   Avoid using the word "should" or "must". Using words like "must" or "should" sounds like commands, reprimands, or commands. Such words fall under the category of "wake-up commands" and can cause feelings of anger and guilt for others (or for you if you use them yourself).
   • For example, instead of telling your child, "You have to remember your garbage collection task," try saying, "I have one important thing to do with taking the trash out when it's your turn".
   • Don't replace statements that begin with "I like ... more" or "I hope you ..." with statements with "should".

5. 

   Use a calm and pleasant voice. Avoid yelling or yelling, as such behaviors can be offensive to others and prevent others from listening to what you say. Instead of being loud, speak in a calm and calm voice that sounds soothing.

6. 

   
   
   Invite others to share their thoughts and experiences. Don't assume that you "know all over" of the situation, or that you know the best way to handle it. Instead, invite people to exchange collaborative statements like "What do you think?" or "Do you have any suggestions on this?"
   • This is especially important when you are giving constructive criticism or sharing negative feelings. Inviting others to share their feelings and thoughts will make them feel important to you.
   • For example, if a "professional" friend canceled the plan with you at the last minute, express how you felt and then invite her to share: “When we made a plan, you canceled. At the last minute, I felt so frustrated that it was too late for me to plan my own. Sometimes I even think you don't want to spend time with me. What's going on? "

7. 

   
   
   Avoid blaming others. Blaming others for your own flaws or mistakes can seriously damage communication. Criticize others for their shortcomings with blaming language, especially generalized words like "I always forget to welcome you!" or "You are so clumsy!" will hinder an effective dialogue.
   • For example, if your employees forget to file an important report, don't give them negative language reprimands; maybe they also felt guilty for forgetting. Instead, focus firmly on what the person might do differently in the future: “I see you forgot to submit the report. When I have a deadline I set reminders in my calendar so I don't forget it. Do you think it helps you? "

8. 

   
   
   Distinguish between reality and view. If you and someone else disagree on something, don't argue with who is "right." This is especially useful in situations where there is often no "right" answer, for example when something goes wrong that hurts someone's feelings. Using statements like “my experience is different” will provide room for people to share their experiences.
   • For example, imagine that your partner came and said that you upset them during your last conversation. Instead of immediately answering "I / I did not mean it" or using defensive language, Firstly Realize that they already feel that way. For example you could say, “I'm sorry to upset you. I really don't mean that and I will try not to say such things anymore.
   • As another example, you should remember that humans have many approaches to life. Not only is it different from your way, but the way someone else is wrong. Imagine a colleague working on the project in a way that you don't think will be most effective. The most aggressive way of communication could be: "That would be absurd" or "Who would do that?"
   • Instead, if you are in a position as the project manager, or the person's boss, express your concern for efficiency decisively: “I see you working on the project. By way of X. But I have experience with projects like this, and I see how Y can deliver better and faster results. What do you think if you try it that way? "
   • Remember that usually you are not in the position of "back fixing" other people. It is a good idea in this case to refrain from imposing your views on others.

9. 

   Be willing to learn about different options. Compromises are often necessary and helpful when interacting with others. Instead of sticking to your own point or plan in a situation, show your willingness to explore other solutions. You can still be assertive with your ideas while inviting people to share their ideas. This will increase the likelihood of people feeling valued and valued. Others will be more willing to cooperate than just obey.
   • For example, if you and your significant other find that two people are arguing over the same issue over and over again, ask, “What can we do to make it both work together? "

10. 

    Speak clearly and honestly. Even if you are very depressed, avoid sarcastic or condescending statements, as these are hurting and distracting communication. Instead, be clear and honest about your thoughts and needs.
    • For example, if you have a friend who is often late to hang out with you, express your feelings clearly without sarcasm. A poor response in this case might be: “Oh, surprise. At least this time you were only half the time of the meal. ”
    • Instead, try saying something like this: “When I made an appointment and you didn't arrive on time, I felt like you didn't value our time. I will be happier hanging out with you than if you arrive on time when I make an appointment ”.

11. 

    Use assertive body language. There are many ways of non-verbal communication. And body movements indicate your attitude when interacting with others. You can use comforting body language to communicate how you are feeling. Examples of assertive body language include:
    • Eye contact. Use the 50/70 rule: maintain eye contact at least 50% of the time when you speak, and 70% of the time when you hear the other person speak.
    • Movements comfortably and gently. Assertive body language must not be tense, closed, or withdrawn, but calm and smooth. Avoid pointing movements, but open palms. Try not to fidget too much.
    • Open posture. Keep your shoulders back and your face facing the person you're talking to. Keep the center of your body even on your legs instead of to one side. Feet spread about 10 -15 cm apart and do not cross legs.
    • Relax your mouth and jaw. Clenching of lips or clenching of teeth indicates tension, discomfort or aggression. Relax your mouth and jaw, and express your emotions with facial expressions (smile when happy, frown when upset, etc.)
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Part 3 of 3: Avoiding Pride

1. 

   A comparison between arrogance and assertiveness. Assertiveness is a way in which you stand up for your own thoughts and needs, while arrogance is an aggressive, overbearing way of thinking and violating the rights of others and lowering others. to promote yourself. Arrogant people express their thoughts and needs at the sacrifice of others. Arrogant people often do not accept their flaws and faults.
   • Arrogant people tend to be very confident from the outside (that is, they rely on their own opinions to read other people's thoughts about them). Although this kind of self-confidence is not negative either, it can cause the arrogant person to put his or her self-esteem above the feelings of others.
   • Arrogance is a form of aggression that often makes others extremely uncomfortable, even frustrating or angry after dealing with an arrogant person. When feeling threatened, an arrogant person often attacks or scolds others.

2. 

   
   
   Recognize arrogant behaviors. Arrogant behavior also reveals thoughts, needs, and feelings, but in a disrespectful or demeaning way. While the main body of an arrogant statement may sound like an assertive statement - say, "I don't want to do it" - arrogant behavior does not represent sympathy or responsibility. Here are some examples of arrogant behavior:
   • Use inappropriate language for others
   • Make others feel inferior and worthless
   • Use a mocking or condescending voice
   • Threats
   • Focus on reprimanding
   • Attack other people
   • Protect yourself without thinking about others
   • An example of arrogant behavior is yelling at inappropriate names or languages ​​to people interrupting in front of you while in line; or you tell the person they're stupid and intimidate them if you see them again.
   • If the situation is reversed when you are the one who accidentally interrupted, then the arrogant act is to blame others or use a blasphemy tone like: “Oh, if you don't want me to cut in, you have to make it clear Are you waiting in line. "

3. 

   
   
   Do not look down on and underestimate the other. Lowering or belittling others will prevent effective communication. Even if they are at fault and hurt you, avoid using offensive or inferior language.
   • For example, one arrogant way of communicating with a roommate might be: “You are as dirty as a pig! Why can't you keep your accommodation clean? " Meanwhile, assertive communication can be: "What you want to do in your own place, but I hope you try to keep tidy in the common space of you and me".

4. 

   
   
   Listen to other people's opinions. Arrogant people often insist that a situation revolve around them: how they feel, how they think, and how they experience the situation. Avoid arrogance by listening to others as they talk about their thoughts, needs, and feelings.

5. 

   Avoid statements that are the subject of the other person. Statements like these will be statements that you may not be able to prove. You can only confidently and accurately talk about real events - for example, the scheduled time of an appointment - and about your feelings and experiences. Use “I” statements as often as possible, while also talking about the actual facts of the situation instead of making statements about the other person's intentions.
   • For example, avoid using reprimand words like "You are pissing me off!" Instead use sentences with the pronoun "I", such as "I feel so depressed now."

6. 

   Don't threaten the other person. Threats and intimidation have no place in assertive communication, but often happen in arrogant communication. As an assertive person, your goal should be to make others feel good because they know you will be honest with them. Threats are frightening and frustrating for people, and it kills effective communication.
   • Threaten language often includes reprimand. For example, if you ask your team something that no one has answered, an aggressive response could be, "Do you even understand?" Instead of making threats or scolding, you should rephrase the question: "Is it clear that I explain this concept?"

7. 

   Avoid using inappropriate language. In addition to obvious bad language like swearing, insults, or cursing, you should also avoid generalizing or aggregating language. Language of this type often manifests itself in sentences with words like "always" or "never" or generalizations about the other person's intentions.
   • For example, imagine you have a colleague who often forgets to pick you up to the parking lot. The arrogant reaction could be: “You never remember to take me to the parking lot, you pissed me off. I wonder why there is such a simple thing that I cannot remember. Meanwhile, the decisive response could be: “Twice a week you forgot to take me to the parking lot. I feel very depressed and nervous every time he forgets for fear of being late for work. Can you try harder to remember to welcome me? If not, I will have to have other plans.

8. 

   Avoid aggressive body language. Aggressive body language communicates as much as words do. To avoid being arrogant, pay attention to your body language and avoid the following:
   • Invasion of private space. Use the "one meter rule" in public places and in office situations. Do not go any closer to the distance unless you are invited, for example, if you are on a date or someone asks for your help.
   • Aggressive gestures. Pointing or raising fists is the number one culprit here.
   • Crossed arms. While cross-legged is a sign of lack of confidence, a cross-legged posture indicates a person doesn't want to communicate.
   • Grind or squeeze your jaw. If you push your jaw too far forward or clench it, you may appear arrogant or hostile.
   • Takes up too much space. This happens more often in men than in women. The type of body language that takes up unnecessary space can be more sign of arrogance than confidence. You can take as much space as you need for comfort, but don't invade other people's spaces.
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Advice

• Arrogance includes feeling sublime, classy, ​​well-off, or proud. If you have one of the above, you are more likely to be perceived as being rude to others than communicating with sincerity through assertive communication and active listening. Even the most adept at communicating assertively have weak moments when they loosen up and need to rediscover their path. This is nothing to be ashamed of; you just go on
• An open and respectful approach to assertive communication often produces great results, but sometimes you come across people who refuse to cooperate no matter what your approach. You can only control your own behavior, so keep an assertive courtesy and try to ignore other people's troublesome behavior.
• If you don't find yourself making the desired progress, you may need formal assertiveness training. Many counselors and therapists can help, and usually also public health providers can.